Thoughts?

[Audero]

My story, as briefly as possible. Two years ago, I met a man, and fell head over heels for him. He told me that he was married, but lived apart from her, and planned to divorce. I believed him, and continued the relationship. We lived 2,000 miles apart. Eventually, he flew 1/2 way to meet me, and took me back to his home state. I gave up my home, family, friends & everything I had known for him. When we arrived, he took me by his "old house" to get the rest of his belongings. (wife wasn't home) We then went 2 hours away, to set up an apartment near his father. All of this just compounded my belief that he meant what he said.

 

The wife starts calling his cell. Somewhere along here is the point I realize he had NOT left her, until we picked up his things at the so-called "old house". All the while he is assuring me that he loves me, and wants to be with me, and that the marriage was truly over, except in name. Considering the drastic measures he has taken, I believe him. She is laying on guilt about the kids, aged 14 and 16 or so. Finally, he tells me that he can not leave his kids. That he loves me, and isn't in love with his wife, but he simply can not do this. He drives me 14 hours to the place I say I want to move, since he has dumped me.

 

We stay in touch, him not wanting to let me go. We meet 3 more times, in various places. Him saying he can't live without me, and how he will eventually divorce his wife. He has the gall to ask if I will move back to his state, if he sets me up in an apartment! I told him that I am not his whore. I loved the man, and had planned to be with him forever. I finally cut off all ties.

 

I went into a deep depression. Only going to work and straight home. Lost a lot of weight. Cried a billion tears. Rehashed every moment in my mind. Finally, nearly a year later, I pulled myself out of it, and started trying to live again. I was still at the website where him & I had met. He had been absent. Another man, who had been my friend on there, told me that he had fallen in love with me. He too, is married, but seperated/divorcing. His wife already lives in another state, etc. I move in with this man. We were told that there was going to be a "gotcha" type post on the site, from some spiteful women, eager to paint me as a homewrecker, since they don't believe any of the facts. So, we made an announcement. Within days, my ex posted a gargantuan statement, basically running me down, saying I was a homewrecker, and suggesting my new love leave me. I mean, this post was almost 10,000 characters long. During the dust-up, I was told by a couple of people that my ex had been stalking me for the past year, online.

 

My question is...what the heck??? The ex is the one who chose to go back to his wife. I moved on, and now he stalks me??? Why?

[Fly My Pretties]

Why? Because you didn't do what he was banking on you to do - be his OW because you were too in love with him to give him up.

 

You ruined his plans. Good for you - you did what every OW should do when she finds out he's married. And you proved it can be done, even if you've fallen for him. Onwards and upwards - never visit that site again.

[Guest]

Why? Because you didn't do what he was banking on you to do - be his OW because you were too in love with him to give him up.

 

You ruined his plans. Good for you - you did what every OW should do when she finds out he's married. And you proved it can be done, even if you've fallen for him. Onwards and upwards - never visit that site again.

 

I just read your other post, suggesting a new board, where the betrayed spouses can chat. I'm assuming you were the wife/SO of a cheater. While I feel for you, I think your attitude, in general, about the OW is a bit judgemental. There are circumstances where we sometimes get involved not knowing the whole story, because the husbands have LIED to us, such as my ex did. It isn't as if we set out to cause more problems in an already-wrecked marriage, in spite of what some would have you believe. We do have feelings, and it isn't just a game for some of us.

 

With that said, I was married a long time. So I can sympathize with the wives who were cheated upon. But the fact remains, there are details that the irate wife tends to overlook. I, obviously, broke it off. For my own sanity, if nothing else. I'm not going to judge others who have not yet reached that point. Because I know how much they are hurting.

[Audero]

Why? Because you didn't do what he was banking on you to do - be his OW because you were too in love with him to give him up.

 

You ruined his plans. Good for you - you did what every OW should do when she finds out he's married. And you proved it can be done, even if you've fallen for him. Onwards and upwards - never visit that site again.

 

Good grief. I typed out a long post, thinking you were someone else, and hopefully it gets canned. I just got here, forgive me for stumbling blindly. LOL

 

Let me try again. Why is this man going to such great lengths to "Destroy" me online, when he is the one who made the decision to stay with his wife? It has been over a year since we last spoke, and then he puts all of this time and effort into trying to get people to turn on me? I'm confused. Seems to me if he was truly happy in his renewed marriage, as he claims, and had sincerely moved on, he would not be cyberstalking me.

[noforgiveness]

Good grief. I typed out a long post, thinking you were someone else, and hopefully it gets canned. I just got here, forgive me for stumbling blindly. LOL

 

Let me try again. Why is this man going to such great lengths to "Destroy" me online, when he is the one who made the decision to stay with his wife? It has been over a year since we last spoke, and then he puts all of this time and effort into trying to get people to turn on me? I'm confused. Seems to me if he was truly happy in his renewed marriage, as he claims, and had sincerely moved on, he would not be cyberstalking me.

 

 

Are you sure it was him stalking you and not his wife using his user name?

[Audero]

Are you sure it was him stalking you and not his wife using his user name?

Positive. It was him doing the tracking me board to board, and him who typed that novel-length post.

 

The wife did join the site, doesn't post much, other than to make digs at me, and she jumped in that thread where he posted his novel. I know that she "tracked" my history at that site, reading old posts, she said as much.

 

I suppose I am simply trying to understand they "why" of it all.

[noforgiveness]

Positive. It was him doing the tracking me board to board, and him who typed that novel-length post.

 

The wife did join the site, doesn't post much, other than to make digs at me, and she jumped in that thread where he posted his novel. I know that she "tracked" my history at that site, reading old posts, she said as much.

 

I suppose I am simply trying to understand they "why" of it all.

If his wife was on there reading possibly he wrote it for her benefit.

 

As far as tracking you from board to board maybe just curious what you were doing. It's hard to let go when you were in love.

[Audero]

If his wife was on there reading possibly he wrote it for her benefit.

 

As far as tracking you from board to board maybe just curious what you were doing. It's hard to let go when you were in love.

 

I suppose....we ended things with a truce, last year. "I can't do this" kinda thing. I thought we parted on as friendly terms as was possible. It just floored me when he went for my jugular that way.

[Kathleen]

Him writing that novel could've been for show only. To make the wife feel better. It does happen where the wife needs proof that the affair is over & maybe that was his proof to her.

[Audero]

Him writing that novel could've been for show only. To make the wife feel better. It does happen where the wife needs proof that the affair is over & maybe that was his proof to her.

A suggestion that has been made by a few others, and a definite possibility. From the things he wrote in there, it was obvious he had truly been "keeping tabs on" me the last year. Otherwise he couldn't have known some of the things he said. I just wish he would seriously move on with his life, and let me be. There was no reason to attack me, or to make up the lies he told, or go out of his way to encourage my new BF to leave me.

[Fly My Pretties]

I just read your other post, suggesting a new board, where the betrayed spouses can chat. I'm assuming you were the wife/SO of a cheater. While I feel for you, I think your attitude, in general, about the OW is a bit judgemental. There are circumstances where we sometimes get involved not knowing the whole story, because the husbands have LIED to us, such as my ex did. It isn't as if we set out to cause more problems in an already-wrecked marriage, in spite of what some would have you believe. We do have feelings, and it isn't just a game for some of us.

 

Well Guest, that's where you're wrong. I have never been cheated on. I do however have very strong views on cheating, and yes judgemental is probably an accurate description of it.

 

[puddleofmud]

Being that you are happy and have moved on anything the EX does or says really doesn't matter, does it? What could either of them do to change the life you now have?

Perhaps you feel aghast about their behavior or that you feel frustrated that your "reputation" is being trampled. You do have a right to feel that way.

However, buying into the drama and letting it affect you isn't healthy for you.

The greatest "revenge" is happiness! Be happy w/ the choices you've made knowing they were best for you.

Obviously, these are NOT very happy people if they feel they must publically reek havoc in other people's lives--this says a great deal about them, doesn't it?

Take the higher (as in you are so happy you don't give a crap!) road and ignore it...when one does not feed vultures they just go away and find another carcass to pick!

[Audero]

 

Well Guest, that's where you're wrong. I have never been cheated on. I do however have very strong views on cheating, and yes judgemental is probably an accurate description of it.

 

Most people have strong views on it. As someone who was married 20 yrs, so do I. I was you once. Disgusted with women who got involved with married men. Then, I became involved with a MM, due to lies he told me, and I was foolish enough to believe. That gave me some insight, and I'm not so quick to jump up on the pulpit now. I know that some OW were not out to break up a marriage. They were lied to, and got in over their heads, before realizing the MM was full of caca. These men do lie, you realize. And then, when we find the truth, our hearts are broke, because we do have feelings, just like you wives.

[Audero]

Being that you are happy and have moved on anything the EX does or says really doesn't matter, does it? What could either of them do to change the life you now have?

Perhaps you feel aghast about their behavior or that you feel frustrated that your "reputation" is being trampled. You do have a right to feel that way.

However, buying into the drama and letting it affect you isn't healthy for you.

The greatest "revenge" is happiness! Be happy w/ the choices you've made knowing they were best for you.

Obviously, these are NOT very happy people if they feel they must publically reek havoc in other people's lives--this says a great deal about them, doesn't it?

Take the higher (as in you are so happy you don't give a crap!) road and ignore it...when one does not feed vultures they just go away and find another carcass to pick!

Well said. I haven't dwelled on it much, other than to wonder why now. What is his problem? But, all in all, it does not affect the life I have, or my happiness.

[Fly My Pretties]

Most people have strong views on it. As someone who was married 20 yrs, so do I. I was you once. Disgusted with women who got involved with married men. Then, I became involved with a MM, due to lies he told me, and I was foolish enough to believe. That gave me some insight, and I'm not so quick to jump up on the pulpit now. I know that some OW were not out to break up a marriage. They were lied to, and got in over their heads, before realizing the MM was full of caca. These men do lie, you realize. And then, when we find the truth, our hearts are broke, because we do have feelings, just like you wives.

 

Audero, I have absolutely NO problem with an "OW" who finds out that he has lied and immediately dumps him. Which is what you did, so I applaud you.

 

[Audero]

Audero, I have absolutely NO problem with an "OW" who finds out that he has lied and immediately dumps him. Which is what you did, so I applaud you.

 

 

Well, this went on for 3 months after he chose to go back to his wife. Contact, calls, and 3 more meetings. My point, Fly, is that I was deeply in love with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, walking away from that man. Was it wrong? Yes. Although, in my defense, he based it on lies from day one. But the fact is, OW do have feelings for these men. Not that I expect you to sympathize, or offer them comforting words. I'm just saying, beating them about the head, or calling them vile names (as some do) is a bit much.

 

Many view OW as gameplayers, out to hurt anyone and everyone. I just wanted to make the point that it isn't true. Some may do that, but most of the ones I talked to did not get into an A for that purpose at all. Yet they are made out to be just as evil as the ones who do make a hobby out of stealing MM.

[Fly My Pretties]

Sorry, but I am not going to change my view of cheating. I try not to be rude or disrespectful on this forum, and I've certainly never called anyone names here - sometimes I might be abrupt, but that's just tough advice - and everyone from OW to BS's do that. I made a comment about people putting on their big girl panties on another thread, but really that was out of frustration of the endless complaining that's gone on in the last few weeks.

 

I just don't buy into the whole "I was already in love so it was too late" thing. If you found out he was a child molester you'd have dumped him, regardless of whether you loved him or not. AND NO I'm not saying this is as bad as being a pedophile, my point is that it is not physically impossible to walk away as some OW would have you believe.

 

You know he is married or you find out he is married and he's history. It really is that simple.

 

Now, you're going to read all that and criticise my attitude. But all I am doing is laying my cards on that table and saying "This is where I stand on this issue". I'm not going to expand on it, or call you names, or hound you - but I AM entitled to my views on affairs, just as you are. And you're not going to reason me out of it. It doesn't matter how much someone says "But he misled me!".

 

When I met my partner he was married, but separated and living on his own and a couple of weeks away from the divorce being pronounced final. And I even agonised over whether that was right or not.

[Audero]

Sorry, but I am not going to change my view of cheating. I try not to be rude or disrespectful on this forum, and I've certainly never called anyone names here - sometimes I might be abrupt, but that's just tough advice - and everyone from OW to BS's do that. I made a comment about people putting on their big girl panties on another thread, but really that was out of frustration of the endless complaining that's gone on in the last few weeks.

 

I just don't buy into the whole "I was already in love so it was too late" thing. If you found out he was a child molester you'd have dumped him, regardless of whether you loved him or not. AND NO I'm not saying this is as bad as being a pedophile, my point is that it is not physically impossible to walk away as some OW would have you believe.

 

You know he is married or you find out he is married and he's history. It really is that simple.

 

Now, you're going to read all that and criticise my attitude. But all I am doing is laying my cards on that table and saying "This is where I stand on this issue". I'm not going to expand on it, or call you names, or hound you - but I AM entitled to my views on affairs, just as you are. And you're not going to reason me out of it. It doesn't matter how much someone says "But he misled me!".

 

When I met my partner he was married, but separated and living on his own and a couple of weeks away from the divorce being pronounced final. And I even agonised over whether that was right or not.

I'll surprise you here, and NOT critisize your attitude. So far, you have been respectful, even when disagreeing, and I can admire that in a person. I don't think that I, or anyone else, can change your thoughts. Am not trying to, just venting a bit about the treatment I have recieved in the past from others on this issue.

 

You said once we find out he is married, leave, easy as that. Let me ask you something, have you ever been deeply in love, and the man did something which was unforgiveable? If so, were you immediately able to walk away from him? I'm curious, because that is the point where I can empathize with other OWs. You realize what is what, then it can take awhile to have the strength to walk away. Especially when the man you love is telling you more lies about how he is leaving her, you are his only one, etc, etc, and all that BS. Not saying we shouldn't have walked immediately, just saying, it isn't as easy as some make it sound.

[Fly My Pretties]

Yes Audero, I have been in the position of having to walk away from someone I loved deeply. Nothing to do with affairs or cheating, but I did do it.

 

And no, it wasn't easy. I agree with you there. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

 

Anyway.... you dumped his sorry ass

[Audero]

Yes Audero, I have been in the position of having to walk away from someone I loved deeply. Nothing to do with affairs or cheating, but I did do it.

 

And no, it wasn't easy. I agree with you there. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

 

Anyway.... you dumped his sorry ass

I did. I learned some hard lessons from the whole thing. And now, it is my desire to be there for OW, provide some small comfort for their broken hearts, and to help them, if possible, realize that letting go is for the best.

 

Anger at OW's cheating aside, these women, (like me) have self-esteem problems, to continue holding out for the scraps that a MM will give them. To wait, hope, and allow themselves to be treated 2nd best. I feel sad for them, because I was in their shoes not long ago, and I know how messed up it is. How bad it can get. I was having suicidal thoughts, and almost at the point of doing it. I suppose that's why I can not beat anyone down for mistakes they made, or are making.

[frannie]

You know he is married or you find out he is married and he's history. It really is that simple.

 

 

When I met my partner he was married, but separated and living on his own and a couple of weeks away from the divorce being pronounced final. And I even agonised over whether that was right or not.

 

Then it obviously isn't 'that simple' is it..? You met your partner when he was married and got involved with him. He was 'a couple of weeks away' from the divorce being final... but it wasn't final, was it?

 

What if there had been a hold-up? What if his stbxW had decided she wanted a reconciliation and he had felt duty-bound to give it once last chance..?

 

You were lucky.

 

And you never had to face what some here have had to face. Never had to make 'the simple' decision you think other people should make.

 

Not trying to criticise you personally at all, just point out that it's easy to say what you would do, or would have done, when you've never had to actually do it.

[Fly My Pretties]

Actually, I know I could have walked away because as I said earlier - I have had to do it before with someone I loved. Over a different issue, but I know I can walk away if I have to. Although to be quite truthful, once I had thought about it, I would not really have made an issue of it if he had said "My divorce is six months away" rather than "MY divorce is two weeks away", because he had been separated and living on his own for years by the time we met.

[GreenEyedLady]

Sorry, but I am not going to change my view of cheating. I just don't buy into the whole "I was already in love so it was too late" thing. You know he is married or you find out he is married and he's history. It really is that simple. But all I am doing is laying my cards on that table and saying "This is where I stand on this issue". I'm not going to expand on it, or call you names, or hound you - but I AM entitled to my views on affairs, just as you are. And you're not going to reason me out of it. It doesn't matter how much someone says "But he misled me!". When I met my partner he was married, but separated and living on his own and a couple of weeks away from the divorce being pronounced final. And I even agonised over whether that was right or not.

 

It's good that you have such staunch views and you are entitled to them...however, other people are entitled to their views as well...

 

I didn't see anyone, anywhere trying to reason you out of your views...however, you are trying to reason others out of their's...why do you care if someone says they were misled or lied to? It doesn't affect you or your views at all...

 

You choose how to live your life, and we choose how to live ours...

[pricillia]

Sorry, but I am not going to change my view of cheating. I try not to be rude or disrespectful on this forum, and I've certainly never called anyone names here - sometimes I might be abrupt, but that's just tough advice - and everyone from OW to BS's do that. I made a comment about people putting on their big girl panties on another thread, but really that was out of frustration of the endless complaining that's gone on in the last few weeks.

 

I just don't buy into the whole "I was already in love so it was too late" thing. If you found out he was a child molester you'd have dumped him, regardless of whether you loved him or not. AND NO I'm not saying this is as bad as being a pedophile, my point is that it is not physically impossible to walk away as some OW would have you believe.

 

You know he is married or you find out he is married and he's history. It really is that simple.

 

Now, you're going to read all that and criticise my attitude. But all I am doing is laying my cards on that table and saying "This is where I stand on this issue". I'm not going to expand on it, or call you names, or hound you - but I AM entitled to my views on affairs, just as you are. And you're not going to reason me out of it. It doesn't matter how much someone says "But he misled me!".

 

When I met my partner he was married, but separated and living on his own and a couple of weeks away from the divorce being pronounced final. And I even agonised over whether that was right or not.

 

So then what does love have to do with it anyway??? why is anyone with anyone just for the hell of it or just for kicks...

 

So your situation was a tough one and so are many in this situation people have to come to a decision in their own time, not your time

[Fly My Pretties]

, you are trying to reason others out of their's...why do you care if someone says they were misled or lied to? It doesn't affect you or your views at all...

 

You choose how to live your life, and we choose how to live ours...

 

Huh? I never said I wasn't going to challenge people's views and I never said anyone wasn't allowed to TRY and reason me out of my own views - I was simply saying that there is no point - if anyone else said to me "I really don't want to discuss this particular thing because you are not going to change my opinion" then I would respect that.