Sonitas Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I wanted to know if anyone else has tried this arrangement...any input or advise is greatly appreciated, thank you! My H and I have been seperated for a little over 6 months now, we both hate seeing the kids having to go back and forth one week at a time. Plus I hate throwing my money away on rent. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing another smaller home that we will share the week we are not caring for the children. Instead of the kids going back and forth they will stay in the one home (the one they have grown up in) and we will be the ones to take turns there. The other week we will share the smaller home. We did discuss things about privacy, bedrooms, and if we do not reconcile and other partners become involved that they will have to understand that this agreement is for the best interest of the children. If we cannot reconcile our marriage why should the children be displaced? Any thoughts?
frannie Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Yes, I've read about this arrangement before on a divorce site, and it worked for the people invoved. Also, I think it is the poster ratingsguy on the OM/OW forum here whose MW and her stbxH were making those arrangements for their children.
tinktronik Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I personally know 3 couples that opted for this arrangement , of the 3 2 are doing great with it and are obviously working in the interest of their children. The other couple ran into 2 problems , neither of them could let go and continued to pick away at each other and eventually one of them began to date and the whole thing blew apart . I think it just depends on the parents ability to truly put the kids first.
Gunny376 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I know a couple here locally that got the kids together and told them they're were getting a divorce. "A divorce? What's that?" They asked. They explained it to them, and the oldest told them: "Well ya'll do what you want to, but we need our Mama and Daddy here everyday." So? They got a divorce and continued living together in the house. The wife dated this pyscho for awhile. Eventually the XH and XW became friends, then FWB, and now they're just shacking up? :laugh: :laugh:
Author Sonitas Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks for the positive feedback. We both came to this decision together and hope it will work well and help the children by no longer displacing them. Out daughter loves our animals and misses them dearly when she is away. They of course would like to see mom & dad get back together, that would be wonderful for them. But mom & dad need to be happy too. We hope that this arrangement will work well, those children are a wonderful insperation. We are trying to take an outlook as we may no longer be husband and wife but partners, working together to ensure that our children will have a promissing future. Financially it just does not make sense to sell everything and split it all and have to start over, we have alot time invested in what we have today and would both like to see that continue.
Stampy Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 that is a wild and crazy idea. Being a mere 2 months into my situation (my wife dragged me into a child mediator only a few days after leaving me for OM) I think you are going to create an unpleasant situation for yourself. You should be admired for putting your kids first, but surely you need a place too? A home for yourself. It probably depends on the age of your kids. For us, with two kids, 4 and 1, the child psychologist/mediator said that home for them is wherever mom or dad are. And that seems to be the case with our kids, though our oldest is quite unhappy at times that we dont all live together. That wouldnt change in your scenario. Having said this, a guy I work with is in this scenario. His kids are 7 and 5 and he and his ex do the alternating week thing between their two houses. And he says his oldest doesn't like having to move back and forth every week. Good luck with it.
Author Sonitas Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 that is a wild and crazy idea. Being a mere 2 months into my situation (my wife dragged me into a child mediator only a few days after leaving me for OM) I think you are going to create an unpleasant situation for yourself. You should be admired for putting your kids first, but surely you need a place too? A home for yourself. It probably depends on the age of your kids. For us, with two kids, 4 and 1, the child psychologist/mediator said that home for them is wherever mom or dad are. And that seems to be the case with our kids, though our oldest is quite unhappy at times that we dont all live together. That wouldnt change in your scenario. Having said this, a guy I work with is in this scenario. His kids are 7 and 5 and he and his ex do the alternating week thing between their two houses. And he says his oldest doesn't like having to move back and forth every week. Good luck with it. Crazy...but doable I think. Our children are 10 and 8. They do not like going from house to house either. We talked about having privacy and a sense of "home". We both agreed that separate bedrooms would be our own personal space (although he said I am welcome in his bedroom anytime) we still laugh and joke with each other. In no way this will be considered as a step towards reconciliation. We both still feel very comfortable in the family home (I am the one that left), and will ensure that not one person is left with all the "chores". There is going to have to be alot of communication and understanding between the both of us.
Gunny376 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 As the saying goes ~ Crazy? Maybe, but it might just be crazy enough to work?" Its all about setting bounderies and creating priorties in your life. Just because two people can't live together as man and wife ~ doesn't make them bad people, nor bad parents. Its about time someone put the children before their own wants and needs, stood and just did the right thing for the benefit of the chldren. I say, "thatagirl";) !
MoonGirl Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I think that arrangement would work if neither of you ever plan on having another serious significant other. But what would you do if it got to the point that one or both of you wanted to remarry?
Author Sonitas Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 I think that arrangement would work if neither of you ever plan on having another serious significant other. But what would you do if it got to the point that one or both of you wanted to remarry? We talked about that as well, and realize that if that day were to come of course different arrangements would have to made. In both our eyes that is a LONG ways away.
PWSX3 Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 We talked about having privacy and a sense of "home". We both agreed that separate bedrooms would be our own personal space (although he said I am welcome in his bedroom anytime) we still laugh and joke with each other. In no way this will be considered as a step towards reconciliation. We both still feel very comfortable in the family home (I am the one that left), and will ensure that not one person is left with all the "chores". There is going to have to be alot of communication and understanding between the both of us. This is kind of funny to me because this is what you need in a marriage and you guys are welling to do it but don't want to keep married. (just makes me say hummmm???) Communication is very important in any relationship even if it's just friends. The more you can talk and know what the other person wants or needs the less of this guessing game there is. I talked to our counselor yesterday after the W had been to her appointment and even if you are married she said; you need your time to do your things, he/she needs there time for themselves, and then you have the time for both of you. Doesn't it kind of sound like that is what you are wanting to do here except using the kids to make it happen? (another one that just makes me say; Hmmm?) If you don't plan on getting back together and with this situation you never know, you don't want to say never. it is good to see you are looking out for the kids. Our son is 17 & I can see he loves both his mom & dad but my place is "his" home & going back and forth isn't his favorite thing but he does it.
Author Sonitas Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 This is kind of funny to me because this is what you need in a marriage and you guys are welling to do it but don't want to keep married. (just makes me say hummmm???) Communication is very important in any relationship even if it's just friends. The more you can talk and know what the other person wants or needs the less of this guessing game there is. I talked to our counselor yesterday after the W had been to her appointment and even if you are married she said; you need your time to do your things, he/she needs there time for themselves, and then you have the time for both of you. Doesn't it kind of sound like that is what you are wanting to do here except using the kids to make it happen? (another one that just makes me say; Hmmm?) If you don't plan on getting back together and with this situation you never know, you don't want to say never. it is good to see you are looking out for the kids. Our son is 17 & I can see he loves both his mom & dad but my place is "his" home & going back and forth isn't his favorite thing but he does it. PWS - May I say first off that your progress on your forum sounds wonderful, I wish the very best for you. I have been having a very hard time coming to terms with how I feel about my H. I no longer carry love in my heart for him. I had talked to our councellor the other day as well, and she help me understand that it's ok that I feel the way I do about my husband and that I cannot let the guilt for hurting him control me. I need to forgive myself and realize that I cannot be the one to console him and try to find him happiness. We still have alot to work on in terms of communication, I still struggle with "padding" my thoughts and feelings so as not to hurt him. Relationships of any kind never stop growing and need constant attention. My hopes of us getting back together are slipping away, when we first separated I honestly thought there would be a chance for us, we do share a special bond together. He does not understand what it is that I need in my life, or has he tried to understand my point of views. He says "I am a man, I can't help it". But the one thing we can agree on is that those two rays of light are the most important things in the world to us and we will do what we can to minimize the impact on their lives.
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