Not THE most important thing in the world, but..

February 9, 2007

I want to be as direct as possible when I write this, and I will try not to get my feelings involved in any way (if I can help it) so to ensure I get unbiased response (assuming you have made it this far)

When I first met my BF I didnt have a dime to my name as I just moved to this state. I was in the process of job hunting. When I got my job, I started giving him my checks to hold so I could save money easier, and also because the place I was staying at made me uncomfortable with leaving my money in my room. He agreed and from then on out, I gave him my checks to save for me.

Months later, I moved in with him (at his insistance) and it became a weekly ritual for me to take what I needed and give him the rest to save for me. He never spent any of it (I made sure) and gave it to me when I requested.

However, this (fairly quickly) turned into him hiding the money on me. When I got my check each week, he would make me leave the room and he would hide it somewhere. I went along with it at first because he reasoned that when I knew where it was, I was spending it like crazy.

The reason for saving money now was to buy a house. He didnt want me to spend it all when we were working so hard to get out of our tiny apartment and into a beautiful house. During this time, we had been house hunting and no one wanted to live in a big house more than I, so this made him hiding my money seem even more reasonable.

However, it didnt stop there. It went from me taking what I needed from my check and giving him the rest to hide and save for me to all of a sudden him demanding me each week to give him my check. And not only was he demanding that I give him the money, he also wanted me to start giving him the money first without taking what I needed and he would give me what he thought I needed. Which was usually $20.

So, I went along with it still, because I really wanted to get into a house. We were still house hunting and the dream seemed to be becoming a reality. Now, every week, he demanded that I give him my check, and leave the room so he could hide it. When I came back into the room, he would have $20 for me.

But it went one step further than this. I needed money to pay car payments and insurance. It was a monthly struggle to just get that much from him. I also had a storage unit that I needed to pay monthly, and he would frequently make me late, saying that I should just let that stuff go, it was a waste of money (it wasnt to me, even if was just sentimental stuff). There were a couple of times that I thought I was going to lose my stuff because of his refusal to give me the money. But in the end, he pulled through.

Almost done, I promise!

And now, after 2 and a half years of this-the end result? If I dont give him my checks each week willingly, he goes through my purse to get it. I have repeatedly told him to stay out of my purse, but he was in there again just last nite after he found out I got my check a day early.

In addition, I have started withholding my checks from him, and in response, he sort of "blackmails" me to get the check back in his possesion. Such as telling me that rent is due, and needing the check to pay the rent (which he could just pay from all of my money he has hidden in the past 2 and a half years) or that when I demand to see my hidden money, he tells me he will show it to me IF I give him my paycheck to save with the rest, or even cajoling me with entirely seperate matters not directly related to money.

Also, we have not looked at or even talked about buying a house in the longest time. BUT..There are times when I argue with him about giving me all of my money back, that he will suddenly bring home a newspaper with house listings.

And the biggest kicker of all...He just told me that he put all of my hidden money in HIS account last week. He told me that last nite.

What do you think is going on? Have you had experiences with this and if so, what happened?

February 9, 2007

Okay, I realize that this must be a little too long to get a comment..

so...the recap is that he now takes my checks involuntarily by blackmailing me to get them or going through my purse to get them and now has my entire savings in his account which I did not ask him to do.

Is he using me, or what?

February 9, 2007

I think you are absolutely insane.

What do you expect someone to say to this... I mean really? You facilitated him controlling your entire life. Can't you see that he is making you completely reliant on him?

Nevermind... have fun with that... good lord what is this world coming to?

February 9, 2007

You facilitated him controlling your entire life. Can't you see that he is making you completely reliant on him?

Of course I see that..NOW...Obviously I didnt see this before, and obviously now I have a huge problem on my hands and things have gotten way out of control. What I want now is helpful feedback on how to extricate my money from him *without* it turning into a bloody war, or even turning into a complete legal situation...he is, after all, still my boyfriend, and not my enemy.

On the flip side, I would also like to know if any of you get the feeling that he is using me?

Reason I ask?

He is emotionally cold, unresponsive to my physicalness-example:

Last nite I leaned down and gave him a kiss before I went to sleep....it was like kissing the back of my hand. No movement, no response...absolutely stone cold and emotionless.

A little while ago, we got into a huge fight, and ended up breaking up for a day and a half, still living together though, and got back together . During this whole emotional time, the ONLY time his eyes got even a little watery was when he gave the money (at my threatening insistance) back to me...

but then he got back together with me shortly after, and found where I hid the money and took it back.

February 9, 2007

So have you got YOUR back money or not?

If not, I suggest you get it back from him & put it in a bank! Don't you people have ATM cards where you live?

Stop giving him your cheques, deposit them into an accout in your name.

If you can't control your spending, then learn how. You really shouldn't expect someone else to do it for you.

This is so strange... really! If you have signed your cheques over to him then legally that money is his - you do know that, don't you?

February 9, 2007

how was he able to deposit YOUR checks into HIS account, unless your name's on the account? Look into that, and set up your own separate account and get the money back. You can contact a forensic accountant to see how to go about doing that.

other question is, people still actually give out paper paychecks??! Most companies have gone over to an electronic banking system, where money is automatically deposited in their employees' bank accounts. It's a lot faster, a lot "cleaner" because you don't have to print out checks, and much more efficient, IMO. As the business office at work to see if they offer that option ... that might be your cue to get them go over to that system if if they haven't already. Just make sure you've got your own bank account to pipe it into.

last thought: by giving him your paycheck for safekeeping, you somehow reinforce the idea that your salary is his … I think his initial good deed has grown into something more problematic, and you need to switch gears. As noted above, most companies do electronic deposits into employees bank accounts; also, a lot of businesses allow you to deduct payments on a one-time or automatic schedule, giving you a lot of convenience in paying off your debt.

February 9, 2007

i do not get this either......

are there no banks there?

why are you letting him control every other aspect of life as well?

first you need to calculate exactly what you have given him, and what you have gotten back.

second, look into how you go about sueing someone.... most likely civil court depending on the amount of money owed to you.

third, figure out a way to prove what you are saying is true.... make a timeline for your records, of the days you were payed and when the checks were given to him, and your understanding of your arrangement.

i would go appeal this to one of those court tv shows.... it sounds like it would be an entertaining hearingl to watch!

February 9, 2007

Thanks so much for the feedback...

Now is an appropriate time to let you all know that at the very beginning until about a year ago, I couldnt open an account at the bank do to my lousy credit and problems with the bank..However, since then, I got that fixed but the problem with that is things were so far advanced as far as this whole saving money catastrophe, that I havent been able to extricate him from my money.

They are paper checks, which I cash first and then give the money to him. As I mentioned before, I have started to withhold the checks but he subtly blackmails me, emotionally as well, until I give him my check..by saying that the rent is due, and he needs that particular check (when he could just draw on my savings that he has stashed) but the rent literally wont get paid until it comes from that particular check..

I dont have a spending problem, I never did. That was from HIS point of view, not mine. I came to realize much later that me spending so much as $5 was considered crazy spending.

I know that legally, that money is considered his as it is now in his account, and there is no proof whatsoever that that money came from a check/checks I cashed myself.

This is my problem. This is what I need help with. How to get all of that money back and set things right between us again without the emotional warfare and legal case coming into play. He is my BF, afterall.

February 9, 2007

I know that legally, that money is considered his as it is now in his account, and there is no proof whatsoever that that money came from a check/checks I cashed myself.

i think you can still proove it is yours. have your employer give you an itemized payment roll, of what and when you were payed... even the check #'s if you can.

you can then compare that to the amounts deposited by dude and when.

How to get all of that money back and set things right between us again without the emotional warfare and legal case coming into play. He is my BF, afterall.

honestly... i do not see an easy, passive way to go about this... you have tried asking.

now you gotta stand up for YOUR rights, or hire a lawyer to do it for you.... there should be some sort of legal resource in your area... here we have Legal Aid, which helps those person who cannot afford a lawyer.

At least start looking into what you Can do, and what your rights are.

February 9, 2007

This is crazy!

You need to sit down with him immediately and tell him ALL of the following:

I want my money back, all of it. I am going to open my own account. When WE need to pay rent etc I will make sure I give you the money and that will be that.

Sparkle, you need to take care of this immediately. It sounds like he is very controlling!!!! Keep us updated.

February 9, 2007

I want my money back, all of it. I am going to open my own account. When WE need to pay rent etc I will make sure I give you the money and that will be that.

That is what I said last nite, to which he said:

"when I first met you, you didnt have a dime to your name, and you didnt even care about money. Now you are so materialistic and you LOVE money"

and "You are mine, so the money is mine, whats the problem, I am not using any of the money"

And calling me selfish among other things.

i think you can still proove it is yours. have your employer give you an itemized payment roll, of what and when you were payed... even the check #'s if you can.
you can then compare that to the amounts deposited by dude

Thing is, that money has been sifted through and exchanged so many times, that I think its pretty impossible...It is paper money after all, not a check...so its not as if it could be tracked easily. He could easily claim that it was all of his money that he saved up, as he works two jobs and the second job is a job in which he gets tips, and that I spent all of my money on whatever.

February 9, 2007

Thing is, that money has been sifted through and exchanged so many times, that I think its pretty impossible...It is paper money after all, not a check...so its not as if it could be tracked easily. He could easily claim that it was all of his money that he saved up, as he works two jobs and the second job is a job in which he gets tips, and that I spent all of my money on whatever.

well you sound like you really do not care that much.....

your bf is extorting money knowling from you and you are just being played...

have you stopped giving him the money?? you said you had, but it sounds like you still are.

why not ask him why he is soo into your money now.... after all when you two first met he seemed so into you (and your money) and Now he is only about your money.

you did not have a penny to your name then and you do not now...

he sounds like a pimp-wanna-be.

there are ways you can figure this mess out, and find out what is yours. you mentioned payments to you were in checks, which you cashed, the paid to him.....

February 9, 2007

You are yours and your money is yours! Tell him if you want to be materialistic, that is what you will be. No matter how he feels about you and how you are with money it is YOUR MONEY. His 'opinions' dont matter. You should tell him that if he wants a future with you he will let you be an adult and let you control your own money.

Open a bank account immediately and put your money in it. It is as if he is treating you as his child, this is very unhealthy and I hope when this is over and you have your money back that you will look at how controlling he is being. It's like he wants to trap you.

Ask for your money, tell him it is not his to hold anymore and you will use it as you wish...if he says no LEAVE HIM and speak with a lawyer or someone who knows the laws about how and if you can get your money back. If you cant than you need to start over and do this on your own. I cant even describe how unhealthy this situation is, it has my blood pumping!

You are not a child, it is not his money, and therefore he can not tell you why you cant have it back. I would smack him!

February 10, 2007

I'm sorry, honey, but I think he is playing you for your money.

It's completely insane and ridiculous how much control he has over you.

If this isn't a troll post, you earn your money and you have the right to spend it and do whatever you want with it. You're not even married to him. It's all talk.

If you start to withhold your paycheck from him (and he can't pay "rent"), is he going to break up with you? I fear he would show his true colors quickly. He deposited the money into HIS account - (cash) so it's going to be hard to prove that it was your money. It's your money. You may want to get a lawyer involve (don't tell him yet) and see what your options are.

Don't continue to sign YOUR cheques over to him. Start to put it in a bank. Are you living with him right now? If so, he could just say you've been giving him rent money. I don't know if you can get your money back, but it's best that you start separating your finances from him.

He doesn't sound like a good guy (i.e. all the name calling "selfish" and his controlling behavior - demanding your cheques and going through your purse). You should think twice (or more) of being with him because from the way you've described the situation, he isn't treating you like a girlfriend at all. For your sake, I hope it's not the case but all signs point to that he's using you for your money.

Consult with a lawyer to see what your options are.

February 10, 2007

Bonita, OF COURSE i care...thats why I came here seeking advice. As I mentioned before, I am starting to withhold the money from him, but its slow going because he always finds a way to get the money back (or at least partial) with some reason or another.

And no, this isnt a troll post, why would I waste my time? This isnt something "so shocking", I am sure many women have been through something similar, husbands withholding money.

I realize that it was an insane thing to do, to give him all my money like that, but as I mentioned before, it was to keep it safe and because I had such bad credit that I couldnt open an account in any bank.

Then things just started to spiral out of control from there, and this is where things are at today.

What besides him controlling my money gives you all the impression that he is using me? Just that he is making me give him all of my money?

I mentioned before that I wasnt going to get my feelings involved but now I am going to.

Truthfully, he has been very hurtful towards me. He has hurt my feelings and violated my trust on more than one occasion. Everytime I attempt to talk to him of these matters he pretends he is busy with something else and brushes me off entirely. I could get into it more, but this is really about your viewpoints to him withholding the money..

Is it about him using me, or just that he is trying to control me? Or because he is trying to make me financially dependant on him so I wont leave?

And relax.......I am not saying at all that i will accept it, I am just trying to understand this situation objectively which is hard to do when you love someone.

February 10, 2007

"when I first met you, you didnt have a dime to your name, and you didnt even care about money. Now you are so materialistic and you LOVE money"

It doesn't matter what you had before him. Whats yours is what yours. It wasn't him going to work everyday it was you. I know how hard it is to tell a person that you're in Love with to F**k OFF. But sometimes you have to be that way or they'll think everytime that things should go their way. The money thing is just a control issue. You gave up control to him how ever many years back and to get it back its going to be an exhausting, emotionally draining thing And in the End he may still be there or he may not but at least you're not going to feel like a dumb a**. This was a mistake you made in life and there probally be more just look at this as a lesson learned. If you guys was really trying to get a house you shoul just have a joint account that you both put money in for that purpose and that alone. People are quick to say leave him you're better off without him but everybody knows thats easier said than done. Get your money back and and if he's still willing to be with you and you're willing to be with him then do it. But at least the end result will always be that you got your money and control of your life back.

February 10, 2007

It is called a bank!

1. Go to bank

2. Open Savings account (credit should not be an issue)

3. Put your money in said savings account

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

February 12, 2007

It is called a bank!

1. Go to bank

2. Open Savings account (credit should not be an issue)

3. Put your money in said savings account

How many times do I have to say it before it finally sinks in??

Here are your answers:

1. I obviously did that in the past and was denied

2. Credit WAS an issue at that particular time. I was referred to chexsystems which immediately denied access to opening an account within that bank. I tried 3 more banks within that time, and was denied as well.

3. The point of this whole post was that I was trying to relinquish his control over my money so that I could put money into a savings account. Obviously, you have to have money first before you can put it into an account, right?

What I am trying to do now is get my money back. Thats it.

February 12, 2007

Obviously, you have to have money first before you can put it into an account, right?

not really... you usually only need to keep a $5 minimum balance... or no minimum on some.

banks do not required credit checks to set up an account..... maybe for a visa or credit card, but not for a basic saving and or checking account.

February 12, 2007

There are definitely banks out there who will allow you to open a savings account regardless of your credit.

There are also online banks who will take anyone...

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