KT_E_M Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I have been in a serious relationship with a guy for a year and a half now. Overall, he is good to me, considering how much time we spend together (at least 3 hours a day just relaxing together). Maybe it's all the time we've spent together since we moved into together a little less than a year ago... but our relationship is no longer what it once was. We are both fairly young, at 18 and 19 years of age, but have known eachother for about 5 years. Anyways... the problem is... I love him sooo damn much (and without a doubt) and yet he is not 100% sure he even loves me under some circumstances (like after fights). Four times now in our year and half together he has come to me after a fight and told me that he no longer loves me. And every time he changes his mind within the following 36 hours and regrets telling me that because it turns out he does in fact love me...? Is this ****ed up or what? It hurts me so much each time, and I've told him every time that it was the last; that if it ever happens again I will be gone because that's not fair to me and blah blah blah... But every time I have done my best to forgive him (although I'm sure some resentment has built up inevitably as a result of his sketchy emotions)... and taken him back and all that. But it's happened four times now, and everytime before and after he seems so damn sure about what he's saying (does/doesn't love me). Now I find myself doubting his love for me almost every day; waiting for him to say it before I do, so that he doesn't feel obligated to respond in the same way if that's not how he feels 100%. On top of that, we've been fighting WAY too much in the past few months. Sometimes we go for a week or more at a time fighting about something or other every single day! It's just too much. He has some major emotional issues and I feel like he's just bringing me down with him (not that I don't have some problems too, but you know...). It's a lot easier to get through days worth of fighting and yelling when you're at least 100% sure that being together is what you both want. But I'm not even sure about that anymore (especially from his end). The fighting needs to stop... but I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I feel like I've tried everything; I've bought several self-help-type relationship books and read them (pointing out helpful info to the boyfriend as well obviously), I've watched relationship counselling help videos, I've read forums and help sites on the internet like this one... I don't know what to do. I feel like nothing I can say or do is going to get through to him. Everything I mention concerning our relationship is interpreted as a direct attack or criticism on him; an attempt to "change him". Although I am not consciously trying to change him, that's the way he sees it whenever anyone criticizes or comments on anything about him. Is the fighting and heartache worth it when I can't even be 100% sure he wants to be with me?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 ok let me get this straight..after u and ur bf fight he says he doesnt love u anymore??? holy crap lose this guy!!!! i mean its always shaky after a fight but never once have i felt like i loved my bf less. guys dont usually say that kind of thing. i know its hard to break up with him when he begs u to forgive him and takes it all back. but OBVIOUSLY he is just not going to stop. u can only take so much, thats how i felt with my ex bf. u'll get to ur breaking point eventually and u'll just have to break up with him. i'd say it would be easier to get out before then, but speaking from experience that is much harder to do. but no guy should ever tell u he doesnt love u anymore and then take it back. thats emotional torture and the rudest and most hurtful thing u could possibly do. LOSE THE GUY FOREVER
Guest Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks for the advice Lauriebell82. This doesn't happen every time after we fight or anything like that. But as I said... it's happened four times. And yes, it hurts... but at the same time i love him so much. I'm wondering if he just changes his mind each time in an attempt not to hurt me; not to see me crying or upset. I'm wondering if that's true... does he just not love me anymore? Part of me says that's true, that he doesn't love me anymore. And even that hurts.. cause i can't help but feel like all our fighting has killed any love or passion left there. "but no guy should ever tell u he doesn't love u anymore and then take it back. thats emotional torture and the rudest and most hurtful thing u could possibly do. LOSE THE GUY FOREVER" that's really made me think... thank you any further insight or advice would be greatly appreciated
Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I'm wondering if he just changes his mind each time in an attempt not to hurt me; not to see me crying or upset. I'm wondering if that's true... does he just not love me anymore? Part of me says that's true, that he doesn't love me anymore. And even that hurts.. cause i can't help but feel like all our fighting has killed any love or passion left there. look what u just said..u think now he just says that to keep u from being upset. thats even worse! u really should think about this. i really do know how hard it is when he takes it back. but honestly it sounds like ur miserable, ur doubting his love for u, and ur fighting all the time. i know how hard it is to break up with him. my own example may help u: my ex bf who i was with for 2 1/2 years repeatedly lied to me. about very big things. he then would apologize and say how much he loved me and he'll never do it again blah blah blah. and when i was looking in his eyes and thought about how much i loved him i was stupid and took him back. finally the last straw was when he lied and said he had paid off the credit card that was in my name, but then i got a bill in the mail for 1200 dollars (with late fees and over the credit limit fees). he had a minimum wage job, had failed out of college, and couldnt pay it off the credit card so i had to do debt consolidation to pay it off. (and ended up paying the whole thing off myself) anyway i broke up with him over the phone because i knew i wouldnt be able to do it in person. and i'm soooooo glad i did it. he would have ruined my life, and now i have the most wonderful bf in the whole world. so what i'm getting at is maybe letting this loser go will allow u to meet the love of ur life who will treat u like gold. its hard i know, believe me i've been there, but u just have to do it. ur miserable, and even though u love him its just gonna get worse most likely, not better. u can soooooo much better than that.
Dadubwa Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I feel for you darling. I've going through the same thing, we're both young, (both 18) we've lived together for about a year or so. We used to spend EVERDAY and EVERY HOUR together. We woke up together, went to school together, went to work together, went home together, went to be together. OH boy it can get annoying I'll tell ya what! But ya know what, we still love each other as I'm sure you love your b/f. But the fighting is crazy, and it's part of every relationship...idk HOW to stop it, idk WHY it starts really...but here's one thing I've learned if this helps you at all... In a faight...BE THE BIGGER PERSON. Stay logical, keep your cool, then maybe he'll see he's being a child. If you're the one that started the fight...remember you pick your battles. Is it worth the fight? The reason I think that your boyfriend is saying the things he's saying...it's because he wants to hurt you. Don't let him hurt you, the next time he says he doesn't love you...say this "Fine, move out." Then if he does...it wasn't meant to be. If he doesn't he'll realize he's just being a jerk. Good luck!
paris38 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 In my opinion, you are too young to experience this much. At his age, he is probably going right back to you after your fights because he is very sexually driven and realizes he won't be getting it for a while if he really does break up with you. Too many issues here and it doesn't seem like you both are happy. I would limit my time with him to only once or twice a week, and at his initiation (him asking you out or to hang out.) Also i wouldn't jump to spend so much time with this guy, you are young, go out with other friends, do fun things and pursue interests, go jogging, rollerblading, become interested in politics, a cause....discover activities that make you happy. Also, reading those books and then sharing what you read with him is not going to help, you read the relationship books then follow the suggestions without TELLING him. Not that relationship books work. I will guarantee 2 things though....if you back off and let him contact you, it will get his attention. 2. Date other people, you will find he is probably not the one for you and he will not be the last guy you ever date. So my answer is no, it's not worth it. Oh to be 19 again.
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