How do I get past these thoughts?

[ratingsguy]

I'm currently in NC until May, and I'm on day 5. I'm having my ups and downs so far (mostly downs). But the one thought that keeps consuming my mind is now that she has time apart (which she asked for) that she may end up sleeping with other people. She just got out of a 22 year marriage and hasn't been single in a long time. She also has a trip to Las Vegas planned next month... and we all know what happens there.

 

I miss her with all my heart, but I can't seem to stop thinking about that possibility. How do I move past all this?

[RocketMan2]

The thoughts aren't going to disappear while they bother you. The only thing you can do is make yourself not care about them. Thats what you have to focus on.

 

You can't expect someone you break up with never to have sex again, we all know that would be stupid, we just dont like the idea of it.

 

You have to get to a stage of indifference, where you dont care what they do.

 

A lot of problems people face when coping with pain is to only focus on the symptoms and not the cause.

 

You dont like the idea of her being with someone else, and youre upset about it and dwelling on it. Everyone has sex, does it bother you that the girl down the street has sex with someone? Of course not, because you arent interested.

 

You have to achieve the same feeling for your ex. Why do you care what she does?

 

Try and focus on coming to terms with knowing you dont need her and you can do better, then this 'symptom' will go away on its own.

 

 

Rocket

[Kelso]

Don't put any time limits on you NC. Just consider it a NC for a lifetime. I know it sounds harsh, just the days after a breakup.

 

By setting a date now to end the NC in 3 months advance will completely **** up your mind. I did the same mistake. We broke up in October and I went to a NC until January 1st. In late November I realized that building up excitement to call her is just gonna hurt even more when she rejects me again. So I decided that the NC was for good. The ball is in her court and she has my number and she can call me if she feels like it ... but sadly for her, I probably won't answer.

 

Just remember that only time will heal the wounds and you'll be a stronger person afterwards.

 

Take care of yourself

[JamesM]

Ditto what they said.

 

And I agree that as harsh as it sounds, I think it is over. I don't know her exactly, but based on what you have written and based on reading other people's experiences, this seems to be the case here. Now accept that fact and move on.

 

Having said that, there is a possibility that she will call back, but like the last poster said, you cannot keep expecting it. Your life will be messed up.

 

So, how do I think you can get past it? Find someone else. And that is like trying to eat when you are full, but this will be the best way IMO. Focus on someone or something else. When a woman who is your gf tells you to begin dating others, she is letting you down easy. I think she has good advice.

 

Begin tomorrow night. Go with some friends to a bar or a nightclub. Or find some friends who can hook you up with someone for a "fun" date...nothing serious. You never know. Sometimes in our darkest times, we are just two steps away from our brightest times.

 

And yes, I can say that from experience.

[AriaIncognito]

I went to vegas in May 2006 and well, that saying, means sh*t lol

[Am4Real]

I'm currently in NC until May, and I'm on day 5. I'm having my ups and downs so far (mostly downs). But the one thought that keeps consuming my mind is now that she has time apart (which she asked for) that she may end up sleeping with other people. She just got out of a 22 year marriage and hasn't been single in a long time. She also has a trip to Las Vegas planned next month... and we all know what happens there.

 

I miss her with all my heart, but I can't seem to stop thinking about that possibility. How do I move past all this?

 

Who initiated the NC and whose idea was it to put a time limit on NC?

 

NC is meant to be forever; it's a mechanisism for healing and moving on.

 

Counting the days until it ends is a set up for further emotional setback.

 

If she set the time limit she is likely hoping you will be over her by that time and she could perhaps be friendly (not friends) with you.

 

If you set the time limit, please return to the start of this POST.

 

Am4Real

[ratingsguy]

I initiated the NC and set the time limit also. I guess I'm hoping that come May she will have had some time to herself... and will see that I was able to give her the time. Perhaps my expectations beyond that are unrealistic. At least I don't have to make a decision about continuing the NC for a few months. I'll have to reasses where I am emotionally and mentally at that time and then make a decision.

[Am4Real]

I initiated the NC and set the time limit also. I guess I'm hoping that come May she will have had some time to herself... and will see that I was able to give her the time. Perhaps my expectations beyond that are unrealistic. At least I don't have to make a decision about continuing the NC for a few months. I'll have to reasses where I am emotionally and mentally at that time and then make a decision.

 

 

I understand what you are intending, however when you a time limit for NO CONTACT you will likely find yourself doing two things:

 

1. Counting the days you have been in NC and counting or calculating the remaining days, weeks, months left (it appears you are confirmed on both of these).

 

2. Setting expectations for yourself and her for some sort of change in circumstances when that time is reached (I believe you are confirmed in this area as well).

 

Unfortunately, you may experience the exact opposite when your time is reached or you are ready to re-explore any issues with her in that she may have moved on, moved in or simply has no interest in you anymore.

 

I hate to sound harsh and it is not meant that way. I just want to let you know the meaning of NC is permanence when it comes to communications and expectations. It is a method for healing, again with mo intentions of expectation except for you to move on.

 

Have you faced the issues with her and let her know how you feel and what you want before going NC? How did that go? Did she buy into the May deadline at all? Did she give any indication that reconciliation is out of the question now, soon or ever?

 

Whatever these answers, only you will know what possibilities could develop. All I mean to say is NC rarely works as a means or method to give them space in the hope they will come back to you.

 

[highlight](Cali, feel free to jump in on this as NC is one of your areas of expertise when it comes to advice)[/highlight]

 

Best of luck.

 

Am4Real

[bluetuesday]

you mentioned expectations, and i'm going to pick up on it and tell you why you can't stop having harmful thoughts about this woman.

 

1. thought patterns are habitual - meaning the more you do something the more you will do something. this goes for any habit. so breaking the actual habit of thinking about her possible infidelity is important. once you can recognise the thought and allow it to be replaced by something else, once you are determined not to indulge it, you will eventually stop repeating the cycle of thoughts.

 

2. thoughts arise from our overriding beliefs about ourselves and other people, sometimes from our most fundamental beliefs about the world itself. one of these beliefs could be 'if someone leaves me, i won't cope' and this thought can make a person panic. the reality may be that the person has every ability to cope very well and move on, but the belief they have that they won't cope will force them into a place of fear. they will expect to fall apart if someone leaves them. another belief could be 'if i give someone enough time and space, they'll come around'. in this case you are expecting that a person will do the right thing given the opportunity, which is not necessarily the case at all. however the belief will cause you to think that all you have to do is put your life on hold until the other person eventually realises you're who he/she wants.

 

any beliefs about yourself or about other people or the world will set in motion a pattern of thoughts that keep you expecting the situation to reflect those beliefs. it is the expectation that is causing you to repeat the thoughts. as long as you expect her to act a certain way, as long as you expect that a person will act in a way you believe they should, you will keep having these thoughts.

 

the secret to breaking thought patterns is to first of all realise that thoughts don't happen in isolation. they are caused by something. and the something they're caused by is the beliefs of who you think you are. beliefs such as 'i am a person who doesn't move on easily because i love deeply' is one such example. another is 'i am a person who expects other people to act like i would if i were in their shoes'.

 

do you see that it is the belief, the expectation of a certain outcome that is your problem? if you actually want to stop these thoughts - and that's what you've posted for help with - you can. but you need to realise why they happen and then make different choices about your beliefs.

 

you feel like you're going crazy in NC? that's okay, most people do. it does get better. 5 days is nothing. i found at around the two week mark, the habit of being in contact should lessen, and after that, the habit of thinking about them all the time should start to ease too.

 

you can speed things up by making a decision that what will be, will be. you can do nothing to change her mind, so what's the point being miserable about it? she isn't the only woman for you, she has requested space which means the relationship wasn't working for her. but your expectations of how she'll act in vegas, how other men will want her etc etc are your main problem. they are keeping you trapped in patterns of thought that hurt you.

 

if you can get to the bottom of what your core beliefs are, if you can dig them out, you can be free of them because you will realise that it is well within your control to replace them with more constructive and realistic beliefs. once you replace the beliefs, you will lose the expectation of people acting in a certain way. it is not this woman's actions that torment you. it is believing they should be different. what other people do to you has no power over you. the fact is you are allowing yourself to be tormented because you believe something about this person or sitiuation which is out of alignment with reality.

 

uncovering your core beliefs and changing them is not a hard process but it will be one of the most beneficial things you ever do for yourself. it takes some objective thinking and some willingness to move on. believe me, many people don't actually want to move on, so you're already making better progress than you realise.

[Am4Real]

 

if you can get to the bottom of what your core beliefs are, if you can dig them out, you can be free of them because you will realise that it is well within your control to replace them with more constructive and realistic beliefs. once you replace the beliefs, you will lose the expectation of people acting in a certain way. it is not this woman's actions that torment you. it is believing they should be different. what other people do to you has no power over you. the fact is you are allowing yourself to be tormented because you believe something about this person or sitiuation which is out of alignment with reality.

 

uncovering your core beliefs and changing them is not a hard process but it will be one of the most beneficial things you ever do for yourself. it takes some objective thinking and some willingness to move on. believe me, many people don't actually want to move on, so you're already making better progress than you realise.

 

Very wise observation and advice. Are you by any chance in a CBT practice?

[bluetuesday]

Very wise observation and advice. Are you by any chance in a CBT practice?

 

nope. i'm a journalist.