professorgenius Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Hi. I had no idea what to call this topic because it's just such a mess of issues. Anyways, I was dating this woman for 7 months. She's 26 and I'm 23. When we started going out, she made it very plain to me that she doesn't believe in premarital sex and I am totally okay with that. I'm a virgin myself and while I'm not waiting for marriage, I genuinely want to save that for someone I know well and actually love. However, it had been a while since I last dated and I was very nervous. But she really wanted me I guess and one night when we got together to watch a movie at her place it got extremely physical. No sex, but lots of heavy petting. That feeling was really new and different for me and it became commonplace for us to get into this kind of behavior. But on occasion she would clam up and put her shirt back on and while she gave me a handjob a few times she stopped and it never happened again. She also told me once about how she was afraid to go to the gynecologist because she felt violated. She thinks her vagina is too small and that nothing can fit inside it. She also was dead set on never letting me see her vagina, despite the fact that I fingered her. I had always interpreted this as simply being a part of her Catholic upbringing that there was some degree of guilt attached to her messing around with me. Her parents often call her and ask her if she's "maintaining her morals" and when she told them about us dating during her visit home for the holidays they asked her if we were having sex. In any case, we have just had some amazing times and we have such a wonderful connection. But after a weekend trip in January she broke things off with me because she says she just isn't attracted to me anymore. Despite having dumped me, she calls me often and we have these very lengthy conversations. I can still feel the connection between us. She often tells me how much she misses me and wants to see me. She also asked me to go out with her on Valentine's Day. I've made it very plain to her that I don't see her as my friend. I'm still very attracted to her...and somehow during the course of conversation the subject of having an open relationship came up. We've been tossing that idea around a bit and haven't come to any sort of conclusion. During a conversation the other day, she elaborated on the reason she dumped me. She does indeed find me attractive, but is afraid of the size of my penis. It kind of struck me at that point that her parent's instilling a fear of sexuality is quite likely the cause of our breakup. I told her she needs to see a therapist and thankfully she has heeded my words and has scheduled an appointment. I know that this is not a problem that will be solved overnight, so I want to see her again but ease off the pressure for her to make out, etc. But this fear of hers and a curiousity in dating other people (of both genders) bothers me. She tells me she definitely wants to get married to a guy and have a family someday, so I think her mild attraction to females is just curiousity on her part. At the same time, I think she really doesn't know what she wants and her inclination to want to date others might give her a basis for comparison to me. I want her to see how important I am to her. Everything about us works so well, it's just that there's an impass we reach when we deal with each other in a physical sense. That issues can't be breeched until she gets the proper therapy and she is so special to me that I'm willing to be patient in the matter. At the same time, I don't want to be pidgeonholed into the friends category. She keeps debating the merits of having an open relationship with me because if she decides to get serious with someone else, she would have to sever our relationship and to be honest I wouldn't be interested in getting back with her after that. She'll have known me long enough by then and by making that choice is making a clear distinction that she'd rather be with that person and not me. And if she doesn't get back together with me and sees other people, then she thinks she might be able to out with me sometime in the future when she has seen other people and has a better idea of what she wants. Honestly, I don't want an open relationship. I'm willing to make the concession because I know she needs to get a better idea of the spectrum of people there are to date out there. I think I'm doing my very best in trying to be patient with her regarding the physical aspect of any relationship we might have with one another on top of that. I don't know what to do. I guess I don't have much to be concerned about because she's only interested in virgins in her age range, which really limits her potential dating pool. That and I doubt that many people will be patient enough to deal with her fears of certain kinds of intimacy. I feel like there's alot at stake to lose here. I want her in my life and I can see great possibilities for us, but I don't know how to get what I want and make us both happy. Please someone give me some advice.
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