Baileykeg Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Hey everyone. It's day 8 for me of NC (except for my slip of one text message on Monday which got no response). I'm doing ok I think. Majority of the day I try to stay busy. I seem to fall apart in the afternoons before I pick up my son. I am being very careful not to cry in front of him. Anyway, I've gotten no contact at all from MM since his last text message on Sunday. I am taking the silence to mean that he accepts that our relationship is over and I am trying to move on with my life. I had some books that his father let me borrow that I returned this morning. I went to his parents' house. His mother was there and as soon as she saw me she started to cry. She told me how much their whole family loves me and my son. She said she's hoping things work our for us and that she respects the decision that I have made. I told her that I love her son very much but that I have to do what is right for me and move on. She said that he loves me very much and has admitted to her that he hasn't been fair to me in all of this. I told her that I can't continue to wait and make plans for our marriage and future children if he never intended to divorce his wife. She said that he told her he intended to divorce but that each time he tried he just couldn't for some reason. He told her that he loves the W but that he's not attracted to her anymore and that he just really didn't enjoy being around her anymore. I told his mother that if he had doubts that he needed to go back to the W which is what I've told MM all along. She said she told him the same thing. She said that she didn't know what would happen because he doesn't completely open up to her but that she talked to him a couple of days ago and he said that the papers were "in the works". I don't want to read into anything about what she said. Yes, it did give me a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope but I have absolutely no reason to believe he would go through with actually filing the papers this time when he hasn't been able to in the past. It wasn't my intention to get information about the status of what MM was or wasn't doing by going to the house. I never expected his mother to open up to me. My intention was to return the books and help myself begin walking away from the relationship. Next step is to pack up MM's stuff and put it in a big box like everyone has said. I will put it in the attic for now. I don't want to appear that I'm looking for a reason to contact MM. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I went to his mom's for the sole reason of returning the books. Maybe subconsciously I wanted information. I don't know. Maybe I'm just selfish too.
MoonGirl Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 BK, Selfish? I think you've been anything but selfish during this whole situation. Your MM led you to believe that he wanted to be with you, get married to you, and have kids with you. You probably were looking for some extra information from MM's mom, but I don't think that is strange. You love this guy and want so desperately to know what he's thinking. Still, be careful about what you do with the information his mom gave you. She probably got your hopes up a bit. Stay in NC. If he misses you, he will file for divorce.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 Thanks. I'm not going to allow myself to get my hopes up here. I made the decision to go NC and stick to it so that's what I have to do. It's painful and of course not how I wanted things to be but I didn't have any other options...other than to continue to be the OW which is not an option for me. I'm sticking to NC and, honestly, I have to say that even though I cry some times during the day and I'm struggling with how to move on, mainting NC has been fairly easy to do. Yes, I slipped on Monday by sending him a text but other than that I really haven't had the overwhelming desire to call him like I've had in the past when I've tried to do NC. I can't believe it's been 8 days already. For those of your out there that are in NC or thinking about it I say hang in there. We can all get through this together.
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Were the books that important that you could not have waited until next week to return them ? Contacting his parents is breaking NC.. It is a smoke signal.. I'm not busting your chops..You are doing great.. but you need to realize that our minds sometimes can play games with us and make us do stuff to get a reaction. You have to know that his Mom is going to talk to him now about you.. Keep it up.. Keep up the NC with him and try to do no more smoke signals. If he wants to make the choice and divorce the wife and come to you then let that be his choice.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 I know. I'm sure the books could have waited but I'm impulsive and I tend to react before I think things completely through. I wanted the books to be gone because while they were sitting at my house they were just a reminder of one more thing that I had to do to put him behind me. It probably could have waited but I wanted to get it over with. I'm sure his mom will tell him I was there and that I was upset. I didn't say anything that I haven't said to him before so there's nothing "new" that she could tell him. He'd be retarted to not know that I was upset lately. If anything, I hope my returning the books sends a message combined with my lack of contact with him that I am serious about moving on and that he really has lost me. Now I just have to convince myself that I can do what I say and move on.
Blue Phoenix Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Awsome nice to see some one who can see right from wrong with out haveing the me me me syndrome kick in..Good 4 you..
norajane Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks. I'm not going to allow myself to get my hopes up here. I made the decision to go NC and stick to it so that's what I have to do. It's painful and of course not how I wanted things to be but I didn't have any other options...other than to continue to be the OW which is not an option for me. I'm sticking to NC and, honestly, I have to say that even though I cry some times during the day and I'm struggling with how to move on, mainting NC has been fairly easy to do. Yes, I slipped on Monday by sending him a text but other than that I really haven't had the overwhelming desire to call him like I've had in the past when I've tried to do NC. I can't believe it's been 8 days already. For those of your out there that are in NC or thinking about it I say hang in there. We can all get through this together. Good for you, Bailey! I know this is really hard on you, but you have been doing really well at keeping true to your goals and your integrity. Bravo, sweets!
puddleofmud Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Hang in BK, and NO it is not wrong of you to feel impluses, you are just human after all! AND you want marriage and babies and you deserve that! MM's mom proved to you what a wonderful person you are! THAT is what you should take to heart, darling. It's only been eight days, eight really loooong a$$ days of what we are sure has been pure torture for you... It may be months before you receive any real clarity for yourself so stay strong and we are here for you. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but do allow yourself to realize that is is long-term and not a manipulative stance. Kisses and stay well and strong!
Author Baileykeg Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks everyone for your support. I has helped me tremendously to be able to come here and get advice and input from all of you. I got an email from MM today. It says: I don't know what to say to you. I love you so much and I want to make everything okay but I know I need to get to a better place for us. I have been so messed up with my marriage and what is going on with it that I have not been giving you what you deserve and what you need. It is hard for me in many ways to think about us moving forward given everything I am dealing with emotionally. I wish it really was not about me and I could focus on your needs. I do not like being selfish and I really do want what is best for us not just me. I also care more than you will ever know about your feelings and I hate that this has hurt you so much. I never meant to hurt you. I love you and want you to be happy. I miss you so much and it is so hard for me not to pick up the phone and call you and try and convince you to stay with me. We have worked it out so many times and things have been so good. I fully respect your decision to break things off with me and I know I have to deal with my issues with [the W] if we are ever going to be able to move forward. I know that, but I hate being apart from you. I think about you constantly and want so much not to have to be without you. I'm so sorry that I have disappointed you, that I have let you down so many times. I want to be able to move past all of this. I do not know exactly why I can't. I hope that I can resolve these issues and that we get another chance. I love you. I miss you. I can't stop thinking about us. While it was very nice to hear from him and also to hear that he is suffering as much as I am...his email didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. I don't plan to respond. I still think that he's hoping that I will cave like always and let him get away with us going forward and him not filing. I just can't do that anymore and I don't intend to respond to his email. This email was sent before he (as I'm sure has by now) heard that I saw his mother this morning. I don't know if that has any meaning or impact or not. Either way...I plan to stay strong and go forward from here continuing NC.
puddleofmud Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 BK, unfortunately you are correct: he is not "changing his tune" in the least. Same melody, different day. Wish I knew WHY or could give you SOMETHING to make you feel better--but this is what it is.. Combing through that email w/ a fine toothed comb shows nothing about what YOU want, just what HE wants and to be placated for his lack of fortitude. Should he keep this up I am going to be forced to become a man and ask you to marry ME! Should you ever break NC (goodness forbid!) do let him know that you have been given "another option". It's not as if you would be lying...
Author Baileykeg Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks Puddle. I'm flattered! If only I could tell MM and make him jealous! haha You are right. His message is nothing more that all about him. When does it ever become about me and how much I have suffered? Do I get to complaint about suffering if I chose to stay with him....not sure about that. Anyway, like I said his email wasn't anything "new" so therefore I don't feel the need to respond to him.
PoshPrincess Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks Puddle. I'm flattered! If only I could tell MM and make him jealous! haha You are right. His message is nothing more that all about him. When does it ever become about me and how much I have suffered? Do I get to complaint about suffering if I chose to stay with him....not sure about that. Anyway, like I said his email wasn't anything "new" so therefore I don't feel the need to respond to him. Good for you Bailey - don't give him the satisfaction of replying. What can you say that you haven't already said a thousand times before? Let him suffer, let him miss you, then perhaps he will sort his life out and decide what it is he truly wants!
Author Baileykeg Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks Posh. I'm really trying hard to stick to the NC thing. I'm struggling today. Partly because of his email and partly because it's the weekend and I won't know where he is. I know I have to let go and not concern myself with those things anymore but I'm having a hard time. Of course too, now his mother's comment of the "papers are in the works" is eating at me and making me wonder if there is still hope for us. This really sucks!
Art_Critic Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Don't allow yourself to get sucked back in.. Let the fog clear and that will take a while then if the opportunity presents itself you can look at things with a clear head. Forget what the parents have said.. you are not in the relationship with them. NC...
norajane Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Thanks Posh. I'm really trying hard to stick to the NC thing. I'm struggling today. Partly because of his email and partly because it's the weekend and I won't know where he is. I know I have to let go and not concern myself with those things anymore but I'm having a hard time. Of course too, now his mother's comment of the "papers are in the works" is eating at me and making me wonder if there is still hope for us. This really sucks! Until he says he filed yesterday and the divorce will be final in 3 months, I don't think even his mother has any idea what's what. Weekends are hard, yet they are the perfect time to plan something fun with your friends and family. It's not the same, but being with people who love and care for you will help you through the worst parts. Or, hell, go to a spa and let them massage away the kinks. And you can always post your frustrations here! We'll listen.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 So I talked to MM's roommate today...(wanted to check in with him to see if the roommate planned to go out with our other friends this weekend). Anyway, he tells me that MM plans to stay at the apt. this weekend so he can work on getting his car sold. He bought a new car a few months ago but didn't sell the old one. MM and W took the old car to a family friend to try to see if he could sell it. W gave him a ride home. Now, hearing that he plans to stay at the apt. this weekend and deal with the car stuff tells me that he will be spending time with her. Roommate also told me that MM said he knows he needs to work on getting all of his stuff resolved and then wants to try for he and I to get back together in a month or two. Why can't I just completely walk away from this like I've told myself that I'm doing by NC. This is killing me. Today is the weakest that I have been in 9 days. I think it's a combination of his sappy email yesterday and knowing that he's up there this weekend spending who knows how much time with her. It's hurts so much. I don't know how to stop letting this eat at me.
puddleofmud Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Have you thought about NC w/ MM roommate and/ or anyone of influence? Silence isn't all that golden w/ a middle man... Talking w/ EX's friend is pretty much like talking to HIM. That is contact in a way, so think about letting that go as well!
norajane Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Roommate also told me that MM said he knows he needs to work on getting all of his stuff resolved and then wants to try for he and I to get back together in a month or two. WTF? Get back together, as in try to get you to cave again because you've missed him after a month or two? Or to get back together because he's filed for divorce? Nah, you need to stop talking to his family and friends. Now they are the ones stringing you along, via word of mouth. AND, he is well aware that you are hearing all this, so you're just playing back into his hands as though you are speaking to him. Why can't I just completely walk away from this like I've told myself that I'm doing by NC. This is killing me. Today is the weakest that I have been in 9 days. I think it's a combination of his sappy email yesterday and knowing that he's up there this weekend spending who knows how much time with her. It's hurts so much. I don't know how to stop letting this eat at me.You're not implementing NC. You are talking to his family. You are talking to his friends. You are reading his emails, his texts. That is not NO contact. Each of these contacts is sending you into a thought spiral. That's why it's so hard to let it go and make it stop eating at you. You haven't actually gotten away from it, you keep being reminded of it, and you keep having additional things to think about. Seriously, the contact is what's holding you back. GET ANGRY that he is spending the weekend with his wife. Let your anger that HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU carry you through the weekend.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Hey everyone. It's day 8 for me of NC (except for my slip of one text message on Monday which got no response). I'm doing ok I think. Majority of the day I try to stay busy. I seem to fall apart in the afternoons before I pick up my son. I am being very careful not to cry in front of him. Anyway, I've gotten no contact at all from MM since his last text message on Sunday. Well thats good...you don't need to be sleeping with someone elses huband anyway. Take this as an opportunity to go out and find a single man.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 WTF? Get back together, as in try to get you to cave again because you've missed him after a month or two? Or to get back together because he's filed for divorce? Nah, you need to stop talking to his family and friends. Now they are the ones stringing you along, via word of mouth. AND, he is well aware that you are hearing all this, so you're just playing back into his hands as though you are speaking to him. You're not implementing NC. You are talking to his family. You are talking to his friends. You are reading his emails, his texts. That is not NO contact. Each of these contacts is sending you into a thought spiral. That's why it's so hard to let it go and make it stop eating at you. You haven't actually gotten away from it, you keep being reminded of it, and you keep having additional things to think about. Seriously, the contact is what's holding you back. GET ANGRY that he is spending the weekend with his wife. Let your anger that HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU carry you through the weekend. GOod post and I agree 100%. To be in NC mode, that includes WHAT goes on in MM's life. You really shouldn't be aware of his car issues, where he is living, about his wife and him spending time together...Part of NC is to HEAL yourself and get used to having him NOT in your life. That is why you're hurting so much. It's making it worse, and it seems the roommate, and his family are giving you false hopes, as well as the MM and his email to you. What his words tell you are not matching his actions... Bottomline - He isn't divorcing. Try the NC in everyway, and tell ALL associated to the MM that they cannot bring up his name to you anymore. The less you know, the better.
Art_Critic Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 WTF? Get back together, as in try to get you to cave again because you've missed him after a month or two? Or to get back together because he's filed for divorce? Nah, you need to stop talking to his family and friends. Now they are the ones stringing you along, via word of mouth. AND, he is well aware that you are hearing all this, so you're just playing back into his hands as though you are speaking to him. You're not implementing NC. You are talking to his family. You are talking to his friends. You are reading his emails, his texts. That is not NO contact. Each of these contacts is sending you into a thought spiral. That's why it's so hard to let it go and make it stop eating at you. You haven't actually gotten away from it, you keep being reminded of it, and you keep having additional things to think about. Seriously, the contact is what's holding you back. GET ANGRY that he is spending the weekend with his wife. Let your anger that HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU carry you through the weekend. Great well thought out post NJ..
puddleofmud Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Why in the heck is it advised that every woman go out and find "another man"? What is wrong with the "opportunity" of spending some time alone and figuring things out for ones self prior to another involvement? Just curious... Well thats good...you don't need to be sleeping with someone elses huband anyway. Take this as an opportunity to go out and find a single man.
Art_Critic Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Why in the heck is it advised that every woman go out and find "another man"? What is wrong with the "opportunity" of spending some time alone and figuring things out for ones self prior to another involvement? Just curious... You are reading something into his post that isn't there.. he was just saying that a single guy is out there for her..
Author Baileykeg Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 I've given thought to cutting not talking to the roommate but it is difficult because he is one of my very best friends. I told him before he moved in with MM that I didn't want to put him in the middle of my relationship with MM. All three of us...me, MM and the Roommate have been friends for over 20 years. We all grew up together. I would be difficult to not talk to roommate anymore. I have this evening been thinking of telling him to just not tell me anything at all about MM. I think that would help me. I feel like I'm back where I started with all of this. I miss MM so much and now after all the things I've heard this week I have hope that he's really going to file and that we are going to have the future we discussed. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the weekend without contacting him. I don't know how to get back the strength and resolve that has allowed me to stay silent for 9 days.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Why in the heck is it advised that every woman go out and find "another man"? What is wrong with the "opportunity" of spending some time alone and figuring things out for ones self prior to another involvement? I say that, I admit it, but I hope it's meant to come off as "later in the future" not right NOW. Ofcourse she needs to be alone.
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