Mm Game Playing Or What?

[Guest]

My MM used to call me about once a week and I didn't think it was enough. When I told him that I would like him to call me more often he did, but it was a real turn off. He would phone and say "Well it's me just phoning as you asked and then talked all about HIMSELF for 5 minutes, acknowledging in his words "it is all me, me, me". I wanted him to phone, not as a chore, but because he wanted to himself. There was no other communication because he never gave me his cell phone number--would block his caller ID when he phoned me and refused to give me his email address, so I could not initiate contact. How controlling is he and what a lack of trust he has in me.

 

I have told him that I am not going to be the OW for ever and a few years back I did end it after asking him outright where the relationship was going. I didn't flag up the serious talk before I met him, but I said "Good-bye" because he said that he was not leaving home as he didn't want to lose the respect of his grown up children. I remember he asking me if I hated him.

 

Well that was in the August and I never had any contact until the following April when he phoned me out of the blue to wish me a Happy Easter. I was shocked and he said he wanted to see me but he couldn't stay long. That did it for me and I cut him off because he only wanted to resume the A and nothing had changed. I was also annoyed with him because he had no regard for how I was feeling and the effect that his call might have on me. I told him I was very busy as well, so I was not very welcoming.

 

So I am glad that I put him on the spot because I know that if I had told him in advance that I wanted a talk with him, he would have backed right away because he would not have wanted to face me and tell me that he wasn't leaving home.

 

Contact was foolishly resumed by me about 3 months later because I wanted to see if things had changed after the last phone conversation. Nothing had and then I really started questioning the A. The last time we spoke in November I told him that unless he wanted to have a chat he needn't bother trying to meet up with me. That probaby was a bit harsh on my part and he didn't like it.

 

Well 8 weeks went by and then I changed jobs and started going to a cafe for lunch. I decide his NC spelt the end and I was moving on. Imagine my surprise when he walked in. Now the cafe is a huge place and there were several empty tables, but he sat down next to me. He did seem very pleased to see me but I thought it was finished. So I was expecting him to just say a polite "Hello" and then go and sit at a table out of site from me. That would be normal behaviour. But instead he told me that he was going to another cafe 2 doors down and he asked me to go and see him when I had finished my coffee.

What a mug I was. Intead of walking straight past, I did go to the cafe and he was being really flirty with me and saying did I mind if he phoned me and I said it was OK. I did not flirt back but he said he would call shortly.

 

3 days later I went for a coffee in my cafe and this time I sat away from the street. Suddenly he comes towards me walking very quickly. He pretends that he hasn't seen me and then he sits down at an empty table right next to me and then "recognises me". Now what is he up to? He hadn't called like he said so why is he so in my face. If the A is over surely he would keep his distance. I was annoyed and again was not flirty (he was looking me up and down) and I gulped down my coffee and left. He said he would phone soon as I walked away. I didn't make any answer.

 

So a whole week goes by and I avoid going in the cafe and he doesn't phone.

 

The next time I go in to the cafe, he is already sitting on his own and as I walk past he makes it clear that he is finishing up. I casually ask "So you're off then" and he says "Yes you should have got here earlier". I was confused. I went to the cafe for lunch not to see him and I hadn't been there for a week.

 

What the hell is he up to? Is he trying to get a reaction out of me as I have been playing it cool? So again, he said he would call soon and I said you can always come round FOR COFFEE. He knows that this means COFFEE, chat time, NOT SEX.

I have not been to that cafe since--ther are plenty of others.

 

Please help me to understand as I thought I could handle his games, but I think he needs psychiatric help or is he just an attention seeker or is he getting some sadistic pleasure from messing with my head (what have I ever done to him to make him do this to me, I ask myself). A friend said that he wants me to get mad with him, to get a reaction as I am acting so indifferent and cool, but I'm not sure.

Any thoughts would be seriously welcome!

[Meredith63]

what's the point? Who cares if he is playing games? There seems to be no future to this R (he says he is not leaving). Why torture yourself? Find someone worthy of you, who can be all yours and does not play games. Life's too short, truly.

[whichwayisup]

Why do you think this MM has changed? Why do you think that his past behaviour, how he treated you etc., would be any different NOW? And, if you were to see him again and renew the friendship, what would YOU be getting out of it?

 

Seriously, give it some thought. This MM has treated you like a piece of crap, he has no respect for you at all. You've even said that it's all about him, ME ME ME...WHY on EARTH would you want someone like that in your life? You can do better.

 

Forget him and find a single man who will love you, treat you with respect and put you first.

[frannie]

was no other communication because he never gave me his cell phone number--would block his caller ID when he phoned me and refused to give me his email address, so I could not initiate contact. How controlling is he and what a lack of trust he has in me....

 

The next time I go in to the cafe, he is already sitting on his own and as I walk past he makes it clear that he is finishing up. I casually ask "So you're off then" and he says "Yes you should have got here earlier". I was confused. I went to the cafe for lunch not to see him and I hadn't been there for a week.

 

What the hell is he up to?

 

... Please help me to understand as I thought I could handle his games, but I think he needs psychiatric help or is he just an attention seeker or is he getting some sadistic pleasure from messing with my head (what have I ever done to him to make him do this to me, I ask myself).

 

Controlling, lack of trust, likes everything on his terms... etc. etc. you already know the answers. Yes, it can seem like you have a chance of a real relationship with people like this but actually, you don't. You barely have a chance of a decent conversation most of the time.

 

You're wasting your time even thinking about him.

[Guest]

Controlling, lack of trust, likes everything on his terms... etc. etc. you already know the answers. Yes, it can seem like you have a chance of a real relationship with people like this but actually, you don't. You barely have a chance of a decent conversation most of the time.

 

You're wasting your time even thinking about him.

 

 

 

Thank you for all the replies--yes they make sense.

I think I am asking why is he behaving in this bizarre way.

Why isn't he just ignoring me like most people would and why does he go out of his way to "be in my face" as it were. Surely not trying to make me see what I am missing!

 

Just before the NC bit in November he phoned me 15 times in one day trying to track me down and then questioned where I had been! I did not feel flattered bearing in mind that it had been 6 days since the previous phone call.

 

How do I handle it--just go to a different cafe I guess. Then he will get the message. A bit of me would like to give him a piece of my mind but he might enjoy the attention and to be honest, I might get upset.

[frannie]

Thank you for all the replies--yes they make sense.

I think I am asking why is he behaving in this bizarre way.

Why isn't he just ignoring me like most people would and why does he go out of his way to "be in my face" as it were. Surely not trying to make me see what I am missing!

 

Just before the NC bit in November he phoned me 15 times in one day trying to track me down and then questioned where I had been! I did not feel flattered bearing in mind that it had been 6 days since the previous phone call.

 

How do I handle it--just go to a different cafe I guess. Then he will get the message. A bit of me would like to give him a piece of my mind but he might enjoy the attention and to be honest, I might get upset.

 

You're asking why someone who likes to be in control and have things on his terms would not call for a week and then, when you didn't answer your phone, just keep calling and calling until you answered and then demand to know what you were doing? He didn't want to know where you were for a week, when he did want you, you weren't there. So he was annoyed. That is my guess.

 

Or are you asking why he likes to be in control and have things on his terms..? That, I just don't know.

 

I think you could just go to another cafe, but if its the one you like to go to, I think that's probably handing him some control of your life. I don't know what the best thing to do is. But I would say that trying to have a rational, reasonable conversation with people like that is just a waste of time. So... I'm being hopeless on the 'what to do' front I suppose. Maybe other people can help you thrash that out.

[Guest]

You're asking why someone who likes to be in control and have things on his terms would not call for a week and then, when you didn't answer your phone, just keep calling and calling until you answered and then demand to know what you were doing? He didn't want to know where you were for a week, when he did want you, you weren't there. So he was annoyed. That is my guess.

 

Or are you asking why he likes to be in control and have things on his terms..? That, I just don't know.

 

I think you could just go to another cafe, but if its the one you like to go to, I think that's probably handing him some control of your life. I don't know what the best thing to do is. But I would say that trying to have a rational, reasonable conversation with people like that is just a waste of time. So... I'm being hopeless on the 'what to do' front I suppose. Maybe other people can help you thrash that out.

 

 

Sorry Frannie, No, I was asking why he is showing up at the cafe and almost seeking me out when he should be avoiding me. What are his tactics? What is he hoping to gain by it? Those are more the questions I am pondering.

 

Also he has talked about " that he would think about leaving but he is not going to get pushed into anything". But that's just stringing tactics I think, so I am not dwelling on that.

 

Now I am confused about his behaviour and you are right it is difficult having a meaningful conversation because he makes light of it. Sorry to go on about this but I would just like views as I can't understand his recent behaviour.

[addicted2love]

Guest...with everything I've read here on your thread I would advise you to RUN not walk away from this man.

 

There can be no redeeming quality that he could possibly have that should make you want to be with someone that is so clearly emotionally abusive.

 

He's not just stringing you along he's playing a huge game with your head and your heart. What do you get from him that is so absolutely wonderful that you tolorate the way he is treating you?

 

Stop and think about how his actions (and lack of them) make you feel.

Is that how you want to feel? Is it worth all of the pain and frustaration?

[frannie]

Sorry Frannie, No, I was asking why he is showing up at the cafe and almost seeking me out when he should be avoiding me. What are his tactics? What is he hoping to gain by it? Those are more the questions I am pondering.

 

I don't know what he wants. I could guess attention, testing you out to see how you react to his abusive behaviour. He's probably looking for someone who will acquiesce (however you spell that) to his demands, cow-tow to him, allow him to dictate terms and ask for very little or nothing in return.

 

If you don't do that he will probably leave you alone for a while to 'cool off' and then come back again and try again... see if you're beaten down enough to agree to be his little lap dog.

 

If that's not the case he'll just be getting a kick out of getting a reaction out of you. Even if it's just you pondering his intentions. He probably doesn't even know himself what he wants, apart from something from you. I would think 'tactics' was giving him way too much credit.

 

As A2L says... don't just walk, run. He's bad news and would never make a decent partner in a million years. JMHO.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm confused, you think a man who wouldn't even trust you to give you his cell phone or email cares a whit about you? You are nothing but some entertainment to him and I would venture to guess that he is playing with the heads of a few more. When ANYONE says I want a friendship or any type of relationship with you that is only based on my own needs then that friendship is one that you will receive nothing from. I can't imagine providing this selfish man with his entertainment.

[Guest]

I'm confused, you think a man who wouldn't even trust you to give you his cell phone or email cares a whit about you? You are nothing but some entertainment to him and I would venture to guess that he is playing with the heads of a few more. When ANYONE says I want a friendship or any type of relationship with you that is only based on my own needs then that friendship is one that you will receive nothing from. I can't imagine providing this selfish man with his entertainment.

 

 

What makes you think he is playing with the heads of a few others?

 

I obviously can't be sure, but I don't think he is seeing any OW. I don't think he can cope with me in his life, much less trying to please anone else outside his M. He doesn't drive either, so he is somewhat limited in his movements.

 

As for not giving me any contact, he is doing that so he is in control I think, rather than that I might send copy of any emails to his w. If I was that venegeful, I do know personal details about his family that his w would find very strange that he would tell a mere "friend". However I am not going to be vengeful but if he moves on and messes with another OW's head and she confronts the w (assuming she gets to know where he lives!), I honestly can see how he might drive someone to do that.

 

Anyway, I will cut all contact with him although he deserves to know a few home truths, but I doubt that he would listen.

 

Thanks to all of you--it is a big help to me.

Thank you all--it really is a great help.

[Guest]

Oh dear what a great guy you have there!

He is a flip floper and will continue to be even if he was with you. He has deep personal issues which go beyond his A with you and his marriage-almost a self loathing although he would never admit it.

 

As Frannie said, he wants something from you or he would not have gone to those lengths to seek you out--why bother. And that is the dilemma for you. It would be easier if he had just said a quick polite "Hello" to you and walked on, because then you would know where you stand.

This way, well who knows.

 

I think that even seeing you in the cafe is feeding his ego, he knows where you are. You should avoid the cafe and let him wonder what you are up to because he is not being allowed to miss you. It is not NC because you should avoid striking up a conversation and being in close proximity to each other.

 

I think he does want to call, but you are making it clear that things are not just going to fall back into how they were. So unless he has "something to say" ,he can't call. He won't want to be rejected by you if he tries to rekindle the sexual side of things.

 

I guess that he knows that you are annoyed that he hasn't called and that you will cave in as you might have in the past. So he probably hopes that given time he will bump into him in the cafe again and you will take the initiative to restart things. But honestly do you want to?

 

Telling him about his behaviour is probably a pointless exercise-guys like him don't listen. He doesn't want you to tell him what a bast--d he is.

He wants to totally dominate and control you, and this is shown by his reaction when he couldn't get hold of you after phoning you all day. He wasn't in control and guys like him don't like that so he might have decided to teach you a lesson but he wont tell you what he is thinking because he doesn't want you to figure him out or understand him. That is part of the control, to keep you in the dark and keep you guessing.

 

He doesn't drive.This is fairly significant because he probably feels very restricted and confined in his married life, but with you he has found someone where he has the upper hand. He can't control a motor vehicle but he can control you. Driving a car is a macho things.

 

NOW read all the above again and ask whether you really would recommend that your best friend has a relationship with a manipulating bloke like him, even if he was single.

 

I agree with everyone else here--RUN like hell from him and avoid the cafe so he will get the message that you don't care if he doesn't phone, and you don't want the crumbs he is offering. Give him a dose of indifference.

[Guest]

Oh dear what a great guy you have there!

He is a flip floper and will continue to be even if he was with you. He has deep personal issues which go beyond his A with you and his marriage-almost a self loathing although he would never admit it.

 

As Frannie said, he wants something from you or he would not have gone to those lengths to seek you out--why bother. And that is the dilemma for you. It would be easier if he had just said a quick polite "Hello" to you and walked on, because then you would know where you stand.

This way, well who knows.

 

I think that even seeing you in the cafe is feeding his ego, he knows where you are. You should avoid the cafe and let him wonder what you are up to because he is not being allowed to miss you. It is not NC because you should avoid striking up a conversation and being in close proximity to each other.

 

I think he does want to call, but you are making it clear that things are not just going to fall back into how they were. So unless he has "something to say" ,he can't call. He won't want to be rejected by you if he tries to rekindle the sexual side of things.

 

I guess that he knows that you are annoyed that he hasn't called and that you will cave in as you might have in the past. So he probably hopes that given time he will bump into him in the cafe again and you will take the initiative to restart things. But honestly do you want to?

 

Telling him about his behaviour is probably a pointless exercise-guys like him don't listen. He doesn't want you to tell him what a bast--d he is.

He wants to totally dominate and control you, and this is shown by his reaction when he couldn't get hold of you after phoning you all day. He wasn't in control and guys like him don't like that so he might have decided to teach you a lesson but he wont tell you what he is thinking because he doesn't want you to figure him out or understand him. That is part of the control, to keep you in the dark and keep you guessing.

 

He doesn't drive.This is fairly significant because he probably feels very restricted and confined in his married life, but with you he has found someone where he has the upper hand. He can't control a motor vehicle but he can control you. Driving a car is a macho things.

 

NOW read all the above again and ask whether you really would recommend that your best friend has a relationship with a manipulating bloke like him, even if he was single.

 

I agree with everyone else here--RUN like hell from him and avoid the cafe so he will get the message that you don't care if he doesn't phone, and you don't want the crumbs he is offering. Give him a dose of indifference.

 

 

Hi I am the original poster and have read and re-read all the advice.

I just do not /cannot understand why he could never just tell me that the affair was over and that it was best that we weren't in contact if that is what he wanted. That would be the "cleanest " way to move on for me.

 

A couple of weeks back he was at the train station and I pretended I hadn't seen him but he still came up to me. He behaved as if everything was hunky dory between us and then I thought I will see if he is serious about meeting up.

 

I told him I was going to the dentist the following week and he said he would phone after to make sure everything was OK. I said to him "Yeah so you keep saying". I then said to him that he could come round to my house if he wanted, FOR A COFFEE. Well his attitude changed, I could see it in his face and he said that he could do whatever he liked "the world was his oyster" although he looked grim faced when he said it.

 

I wonder if he didn't like t because I was saying he could come round for a coffee (ie. no sex) and didn't like that. He hasn't phoned and that was 2 weeks ago.

 

I know that I shouldn't care, but he does have an effect on me and I would just like some opinions on why he is behaving like he is (maybe some men can shed some light). I just don't know what he wants or what to make of his behaviour. He must know that his behavior is making me very angry or having some other effect on me.

Please reply, as I am having a very hard time moving on, alhough I know I must do it.