raybrown Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Here is the lowdown ... Me ... a planner, calm, and accommodating Her ... impulsive, hot temper, and not so accommodating We are both in our 30s and have been living together for quite some time, but lately I am just sick of her thinking that her decisions are better than mine, when (most of the times) they are far from it. Issues with money, friends, and work particularly get on my nerves. I feel that, without her (or her input), decisions would be much better made, and I would not have so much qualm about my finance and career, both I think are important to sustain a relationship. In the mean time, I still need to respect her opinions, but she is too stubborn to admit or realize that her decisions are unsound, and insist that they be followed. When I am busting my ass off making the relationship work, she just complains about how bored she is and how unromantic I am. I have to admit, if I had a real job (I am still studying my doctor's), our situation would have been a lot better, but somehow I just see that she doesn't really understand the kind of committment I have to devote on my career and our relationship, and she thinks everything comes easy. When we decided to live together, I thought we would share financial burdens and various family duties. Instead, I feel like I am doing 1 1/2 people's work (okay, she did some). I am totally stressed out and she doesn't even see it. She tried to show that she cared by buying things for me. I appreciate the guesture, but what I really need is that she becoems more reasonable and cuts me some slack when it comes to getting things done. I really want some time to do my own stuff. Do other people have similar experience? Can it be worked out, or is this already a sinking ship ...
curiousnycgirl Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 You haven't given a lot to go on here. What exactly are you hoping she will do that she is not currently doing? From what you have written she sounds like she might be a bit high maintenance (wanting gifts/romance, etc). But it's hard to be sure.
LuckyStar26 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 When we decided to live together, I thought we would share financial burdens and various family duties. Instead, I feel like I am doing 1 1/2 people's work (okay, she did some). I am totally stressed out and she doesn't even see it. What is the agreement in your relationship? Did you both agree to equal household and financial responsibilities? If so, you must return to the drawing board. It is up to BOTH of you to decide what is really fair in your relationship. Discuss the household responsibilities and make a list of what each of you will do and then work on this until you can both feel that your agreement is fair. Communication is essential in this and you MUST find a way to encourage your GF to be a bit more diplomatic in her approach towards the task in hand. I think you should also take a deeper look as to what level of appreciation is expressed in your relationship too. We do things for people that we love because we know that it is emotionally meaningful to them. This is the nature of love and it is the quality of a good relationship / marriage. Both you and your GF need to work on this to make your relationship worthwhile. Its a two-way street and if your GF is like she is by nature then you need to work with her and teach her how to take care of your needs aswell. "Equality" does not necessarily mean that both partners do the "same" work in a relationship. Partners who agree on different , or even specialized areas of work in the home can also succeed at having a satisfying relationship. An important key to a satisfying partnership is genuine appreciation and acknowledgment, You have to weigh up whether you think that you can achieve this with your current partner or whether you are perhaps not compatible enough to break through the barriers of equality and settle into an agreed routine. From what you have said you are suffering because you feel that your GF does not acknowledge your efforts. You need to talk to her about a fair division and let her know how her lack of appreciation is making you feel. Its whether or not you have enough true love in your relationship to weather this and between you alter this for the better. If our relationships are truly loving, we allow our partners greater leeway for mistakes, even inequities. If you feel truly loved by your GF then leaving the cap off the toothpaste will no longer symbolize the different ways you feel taken for granted. Again, if this love is not there, and cannot be reprieved through communication, you may be as you say "on a sinking ship"
Author raybrown Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 You haven't given a lot to go on here. What exactly are you hoping she will do that she is not currently doing? Humm ... I think it comes down to this. 1) She is not very practical when it comes to spending time and money. She knows but cannot or does not want to control it. 2) She wants me around her all the time. 3) She expects me to do everything she doesn't want to do for her (i.e., clean up the mess for her). 4) She doesn't quite understand what my needs or priorities are. Stablizing finance and establishing career are important to me. 5) She tends max out my flexibility in time, resource and energy. 6) She is a poor decision maker, but she is too stubborn to listen to reason. When I explain to her, she gets angry. Sorry I cannot give examples, but these are my observations of her behaviors.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 OK some of this is what I thought I was reading into your first post, but wasn't sure. I'll try to answer by # - 1, 5 & 6 are huge red flags for me, but that just might be due to my personal experiences. My parents suffer from all of those and more and it doesn't matter what I've said or done - I always need to bail them out (and have been doing so for nearly 30 of my 41 years, ever since I got my first job). My experience has shown me that if someone is unwilling to follow good advice/guidance this issue can never be fixed. This would cause me to run, not walk away! For #4 my answer is partly the same as above, however if there are other needs of yours not being met, then perhaps you have not expressed them. #3 us is just lazy and childish. Not sure what else to say there. #2 is something I personally would not be able to deal with. Before getting into any relationship too deeply I make sure that my having my own life and space is an understood necessity. Overall I am stuck wondering how you decided to move in with this person - were you aware of these issues before? I cannot tell you what to do here, but if it were me, I would be ending this relationship. I'm sorry.
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