HurtLonely Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 What would you do if you were deeply hurt by a guy who loves you and who is also your best friend? If you still have feelings for him but you're confused? The pain you're feeling inside is so big that every time you try to reconcile you just cannot be yourself. From a sweet and sensitive person you've turned sour and everything he does is just not good enough for you to be your old self. I am so confused right now that I no longer understand myself. I think I still love him but the pain I am feeling is shadowing my rationale. But what I am most affraid of now is losing him even as a friend. Should I just be by myself for a while to understand what I want? I tried to when things happened but he would not leave me alone calling me and writing me how much he loved me. In the end, I think that even if I can no longer recover my love, we could still remain friends, we were best friends. And our friendship could stay even if I need several weeks or months to go forward, right? I mean that if we have a true friendship it will last even if we don't see each other for several weeks or months, right? THANK YOU.
Cossette4 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Well, it all really depends on "what" exactly he did to hurt you. If it is something that you can forgive and you feel it doesn't truly reflect his character, then I suppose you could very well be friends with this person in the long run. But if it was something that changed the very nature of who he is in your eyes, then I think that as time goes on, you'll realize you don't even want him as a friend. When my ex betrayed me, I immediately jumped to the "But we were best friends" thing, because I really felt like we were best friends and something in me felt like if everything else was destroyed, maybe we could hold on to the friendship aspect of our relationship. But as time went on, I realized I wouldn't WANT this person as my friend after what he did to me. I merely was just hurt so bad and desperately tried to cling on to this idea of a lifelong friendship because I had nothing else. The feelings you say you are experiencing need to lessen a bit before you can truly evaluate whether or not you want him as a friend. Sometimes a lot of us really powerfully feel the need for friendship with these people, but really it's brought on by our loss of the relationship. I believe you CAN be friends with an ex, but that decision has to come with time and with a clear head.
Speedo Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 It takes two to tango. This includes being friends. It sounds like he still openly has romantic feelings for you, and even though you sound like you're through with him you also have feelings for him. I would put the whole "friend" thing to rest for the moment. One thing at a time. The only way you two will ever be friends again is if BOTH of you have completely gotten over any romantic feelings you once had for each other. That's one of the risks in the dating game. Once one of you crosses over that boundary from friendship to relationship or even just feelings like that it's a whole new ballgame. Give it as much time as needed, but if it truly is over, then move on. Down the road when the smoke clears on both sides, then maybe friendship is an option. Not before.
Shadowdog36 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I've spent most of my time on here reading what others say, trying to get some perspective, but after reading this one, I had to reply. Talk to him, openly and lovingly, and tell him that you're not walking away, just getting your own perspective. One of the best things you can do is to talk it to death, till it's nothing but empty words and I think you'll find yourself on the other side of it with a clearer mind, and a better understanding of what you want. I don't know what he did to hurt you, but if you withdrew to get some space, it sounds like he reacted just like I did. Read my post to understand where that comes from. Could you be friends? Could you hear him talking about the new girl he's dating? Could you see him out with someone else, giving her all of his attention? As a friend, you don't have the 'exclusive access' you did before, so make sure you can handle that. As a guy, I could never be just friends with someone that I was intimate with, especially if I still had feelings for them, like it sounds he does for you. Just friends is like taking a big step backwards, and I know he doesn't want that. If I knew there was a chance with someone I cared about, a definite chance, I could wait. It doesn't take months to know. Weeks, maybe. But after a month, I think you know what you want, even if it hurts you to admit it.
Guest Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I agree with Shadowdog. I would imagine he is very scared of losing you from his life. Take all the time you need but I would suggest at least informing him otherwise he will not know what to do. Tell him what you need from him. If its space tell him. If you need questions answered tell him. How he responses to what you need will tell you if he is more concerned with his own feelings or yours. For instance if you say you need space and he still keeps calling and emailing then you know he is being selfish. I hope he did not mean to hurt you. Best of luck.
Guest Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 If you have been together for awhile most experts state not to make any big decisions for approx 6 months concerning the relationship unless something like physical abuse is occurring or your children are being hurt for example. Yes it takes that long to get through (not over) the initial shock and be able to deal with the pain. If his betrayal was adultery there are 2 excellent books on the subject: "The Monogomy Myth": by Peggy Vaughn and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass Whether adultery or some other form of betrayal has taken place please remember it is normal to be literally all over the place with your emotions. During this time it is especially important to take care of yourself physically. That means eating when the thought makes you sick to your stomach, getting rest when you can't sleep, exercise etc. You need time to mourn your old relationship. As much as you want it back its gone forever. You both are building a new relationship one hopefully now based on honesty and that means rediscovering your friendship. Alot of people make the mistake of trying to pick up where they left off and it usually doesn't work that way. You have to start over at the beginning. Time is not your enemy here. Use it. Think of it this way its like a house being hit by a tornado and completely destroyed. All that's left is the foundation. That foundation is your friendship. So you are building a new house on an old foundation. Your post was vague but I got a sense that you both are in pain. I say both because it appears he wants to reconcile. He has obviously broken your trust and that is going to take a very long time to rebuild back under the best of circumstances. Words AND actions over an extended period of time are needed on his part. It sounds as if he is trying to reach out to you and you are scared to show any vunerability to him. Who can blame you? But at some point you are going to have to take that step if there is to be a chance of salvaging any type of relationship. But let him know. If you can't talk to him or reach back to him at the moment let him know. If he really loves you and from your post you know he does I would think he is scared to death and just as lost as you are. He needs to do whatever you need but you have to tell him. Confusion is also normal. How many of us would have thought we'd even think of reconciling with someone who had hurt us? It really is a battle because we feel as if we are betraying ourselves. I believe if there is anything left, anything at all and both partners still care for each other and there is no 3rd party still involved no stone should be left unturned before deciding to leave the relationship. From your post you obviously still care for each other. You can see that even through the pain. No "what if's". If you decide to leave in the future then do so knowing you tried everything you possibly could. Good luck.
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