Depth of Insight Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I've been steady with a wonderful, intelligent and attractive woman for just over nine months and my passion for the relationship has died for no apparent reason and not come back. Unfortunately, I am alone in this as she is madly in love with me and still gets butterflies everytime we see each other. I don't know if this is just a normal "phase" of the relationship or if it is a warning sign. It's been about three or four months since the early "woosh" stopped -- and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why this happened to me (but yet not to her). We get along fantastically -- extreme common interests, philosophies, and ideas. Our conversations are great, and we rarely fight or have disagreements beyond minor miscommunication from time to time. She is incredibly beautiful and matches the looks of the "woman of my dreams." Yet I am not nearly as attracted to her as I used to be and my interest with growing the relationship has stopped. I am more critical than I used to be, I get uncomfortable as she creeps more and more into my life (like by meeting my family), my desire to talk to her on the phone is decreasing.... I feel like I am walking around with this big secret that "umm, I am just not feeling it," and I find that to be unacceptable. I'm committed to keep trying and I've been kicking around whether to talk to her about it or not...it's really not an easy thing to bring up. I came to this site hoping some other people have been through this and could share their experience -- or at least ask some probing questions that might shed some light on why this is.
Bank Robber Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 You found a very good friend, not your true love.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 just ask urself one question: are u still in love with her? like REALLY in love? if ur not than maybe u should just end the relationship because it just sounds like u fell out of love with her. it happens, u shouldnt really feel bad about it, but honestly dont just keep pretending to be head over heels for her if ur not. thats not fair to her or u.
paris38 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 to be fair to her and fair to yourself, you have to have a talk with her about what you just posted. It doesn't sound like you are in love with her. It really does sound like a case of 'it's not you, it's me.' I would invite her out to dinner, and beforehand say "I need to have a talk with you." Has she been kind of needy and calling you a lot? I will say that I was broken up with after a year and a half because he sensed that I was becoming dependent on him for my happiness and pretty much didn't have any other outside interests except for being with him. This freaked him out and contradicted the independent, confident woman he knew when he first started dating me. After the first year, I started becoming upset if he didn't call at a certain time, etc. etc. and that is when he started to lose the 'spark.' When he broke up with me, he told me exactly what you just stated 'he just wasn't feeling it.' At least he was honest, I appreciated that. It really hurt but it freed both of us, and I learned a lesson on loving myself first before I loved again. I only know this because we remained friends and I asked him a few months later to be completely honest with me about when and why he started falling out of love, and he told me all that. Wow, I didn't expect to be so open here. Having been on the woman's side, this happened in August, I will say you are doing both of yourselves a favor by breaking up now after only 9 months. It will be painful for her, but she will be free to find someone who feels the passion and not waste anymore time with you as you fall more and more out of love, which isn't pretty for a woman to see. It's the worst thing when a man starts falling out of love. Trust me, also, it won't come back. We have seen each other a few times since the breakup, and while he is extremely physically attracted to me, and tries to initiate casual sex with me, he is honest in telling me he sees me only in a friendship way and doesn't see himself ever feeling the way he once did when he was in love with me. This is my opinion based only on my own personal experience, though. Maybe it is a case of it will come back later for you. I don't know.
Author Depth of Insight Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Paris, I GREATLY appreciate your honesty and you definitely touched on something that made me think. Yes, she has been extremely needy -- calling ALL the time, wanting to see me ALL the time, etc. etc. I can't really tell if this is different from when we first started dating, but I have come to notice it more and more over the last several months. Her "M.O." is to always jump in full force into a relationship. However, there have been some changes in her life relating to friends and work and, right now, she does not have much going on socially outside of me. Whether this is something that is just a phase for her or not I don't know. But I definitely could see it as a problem if I am not missing her or feeling the need to spend time with her as much as she is. I just feel like there is nothing more for me to "learn" about her... like Bank Robber and Lauriebell mentioned about being "truly" in love... just don't feel it.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 well have u talked to her about this? she might not even be aware that she is leaning on u so much. i know with my bf, i have been leaning on him more for emotioanl support due to problems with my mom, and he actually talked to me about it. he told me he understood what i was going through but it was putting a strain on him. so maybe u could try that. of course my bf loves me and so he wanted to do this to find out what is going on. from all u've said i think ur even past that point, so if u are really just not feeling it anymore than do her a favor and break up with her. she's gonna be crushed, but pretending ur still in love with her is much worse.
paris38 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I'm not necessarily stating that you should breakup, do what you feel is right. However, there should be a talk of some sort of how you're not feeling the same as you used to feel and are not sure you see a future with her. Maybe you need to have time apart. That may mean taking a step (or more) backward to dating and seeing each other less, or she may take that and break up. anyway I am now dating now and I learned a lot from my last relationship, so it's all a matter of live and learn, for both of you. Good luck!
Author Depth of Insight Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Thank you both for taking the time to respond again. I'm not going to make any decisions about breaking up at this point. If I still feel this same way in a while, then obviously I'm going to have to make a break because there is no way I am going to settle down if I'm not having passion about the relationship. But I would like to make sure that I put the full effort into being honest and giving all I got. Maybe there is something in the relationship that needs to change to make it more fulfilling. There are going to be challenges in any long-term relationship and sometimes learning to overcome them is a greater skill than yet again going through another breakup. I've been through plenty of relationships and don't need another lesson in how to get over someone. Sometimes it's just one of those "her... or me?" problems that I can't get my finger on. I want to be sure I've explored enough of the "me" side and that I handled this in a way I'm confident -- no regrets. Maybe the passion isn't supposed to stay strong forever and the relationship transitions into something... else? I just hope that "else" is fulfilling! I haven't fleshed this out, but I'll give it another week or so to sit on it -- at least until she's done with her grad school exams and has relaxed for a little bit. I'll keep you posted.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Maybe the passion isn't supposed to stay strong forever and the relationship transitions into something... else? I just hope that "else" is fulfilling! yes the beginning "spark" in the relationship fades, but the passion to love and want to be with ur gf shouldn't. the relationship does transition, but u should not lose ur passion to still see and make the relationship grow. thats not supposed to happen. please dont lead the girl on, ur not in love with her anyway and its really not fair to pretend u are. maybe u could give it time, but it just sounds as though ur prolonging the inevitable. i would NEVER want my bf to just stay with me for that reason. do her a favor and let her find someone who will not lose their love and passion for her.
Dadubwa Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Wow do I feel for you. I'm going through a kind of period with this too. But you know what.... If this girl is really everything you wanted...just think of her with someone else.... The best feeling in the world is being loved, if you're not getting the BEST FEELINGS from her...maybe she's not loving you the way you wish she was. Is she missing parts in her personality that you wish she had? ex: Common sense? or like a nurturing nature. Do you think maybe you've come to a stand still? The chase for the perfect woman is over and now you're not sure what to think? It's not all it's cracked up to be? Maybe you should just talk to her and tell her what you have posted...you think she's great ect...BUT you're not really "feeling it". Maybe you should take a small break from seeing each othe and you'll understand what you've been missing? Maybe you should take care of things on your own...do something that will bring the interest back...ask her new questions, learn more things about her. Trust me, no matter how much you know about a person, you can always learn something new. Just ideas....
Aloros Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 She may not know she's being too needy. If she is really all those great things, it may be possible to fix things without breaking up. Maybe initiate a girl's night/guy's night out. Encourage her to go out with her friends. I know that sometimes I get too involved in a relationship and forget how great it is to just be with my girlfriends. Maybe pick up a hobby, take a community college class, and encourage her to do the same (but a different hobby/class!). I think it's good for couples to spend some time apart so that they can miss and appreciate one another more. It also gives you something to talk about when you reunite! Try putting it this way if you choose to talk to her and it will soften the initial hurt. I'd say give her a chance to change. It's been nine months. You're probably not in the honeymoon phase anymore, but it sounds like she still is. Good luck!
Topper Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Were you in Love or were You In Lust? Just a question.
Author Depth of Insight Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 I took a break from posting on here because I had a bunch of work to do this weekend, but I was able to figure out a couple more things. First, Topper, to answer your question -- not only was I madly in love, but she is one of my soulmates. We both had visions of prior lives shared together, which means that we're either both crazy...or madly in love (who can tell the difference?). Of course, soulmates come for many different reasons and some are not meant to stay forever, but to teach a lesson and move on. I have never been sure if she was supposed to be my forever love, but I figured it would take time to find out. I wonder if I'm at that point now. She's been very upset the last few days, helped by the stress of exams, because she's realized that all her good friends are no longer in her life. As several of you already mentioned, she's been relying heavily on me for everything. I'm going to talk to her once she has calmed down. If this is supposed to be a forever love, then surely it can handle an honest conversation about my feelings, right?
the_total_package Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 to have a talk with her and communicate your feelings, at least you aren't just giving up and I admire that. I hope it goes smoothly, it can't be an easy talk to initiate.
Author Depth of Insight Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 Well, I finally did it--STARTED to talk, that is. We were apart for 10 days while I was working and she was studying at home for her exams. When she was done, we met for dinner and it was very uncomfortable. The conversation began when she expressed disappointment that I didn't make a greater effort to see her while she was stuck home studying. Whether justified or not in feeling that way (she admitted that she wasn't because she knew I had work and we still talked on the phone every night), it didn't matter because I saw this as an opportunity to talk about how I have been feeling. It was a very healthy conversation. I basically covered everything I've talked about on here, except I did not go into the whole "lack of passion" thing. Rather, I tactfully discussed how I feel emotionally exhausted and that I am concerned about the future of our relationship if she does not have an outlet outside of me. She agreed. We both felt better afterwards and I definitely feel like we took a step forward. The topic has now been raised and there is open communication. For the time being, I feel comfortable with where things are. Thanks again to everyone and I'll keep you updated.
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I am a female who started dating this guy about 10 months ago. At first the man told me I was the one for him, the woman of his dreams. I moved in with him quickly. There was a lot going on and we have had problems blending our different lives but I loved him so much and wanted it to work so much that I kept trying. He started pulling away and I could feel it, it did hurt me terribly but nothing hurt more than the night he told me he was sure I was not the woman he wanted to spend his life with. That his feelings had changed for me and there was no going back. I was hurt for 2 days then I got a little upset with him because I had been giving him 100% and he just ended it so easily so I moved out. I wished him the best. The next night he called me and wanted me back. He was crying, said he knows what it feels like not to be able to sleep. We are suppose to talk Monday but we have spent some time apart. I am not sure how our talk will go and I am nervous about it. All I know as the female is that the strong words he used by telling me he did not love me crushed me and I could move on from him easier. I didn't want to hold on anymore and am indifferent to our conversation monday so don't say anything unless you are sure b/c some things you cannot take back.
littlebit Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I am in the same situation only I am on the other end. I am the female who was/is in love with a man who told me recently that he did not love me, want a future with me, or have those same feelings he once had. As the woman on the other end I want you to know he did crush me, it hurt very much but b/c I new I loved him so much and would do anything for him I was able to walk away without much care. I did not cry that much compared to past relationships, he made it clear that I was not the woman who would make him happy and I knew that was something I could not change and I didn't want to change it. Either you love her or you don't. I will tell you that when I left my boyfriend the next day to my surprise he was heart broken and angry with me for leaving. Which I did not understand. Then he continued to call for for two days. Then when I saw him to get some of my things he told me he did love me and wanted to be with me and that he was sorry for everything that he had not slept for days. I am telling you that if there is a chance that you are in love with this woman don't tell her these feelings make something up. Because now he wants to get back together and I am indifferent because of the strong words he used. How can I ever trust him again and I do love him but I don't know if I can forget this.
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