I love two women

[waggoner]

My wife has Alzheimer's and she is fading away from me fast. She won't make love any more. We get on well but I am very upset inside. My aunt introduced me to a wonderful woman, her second cousin, a widow, at the theatre. We are going to go out but I have told her that if I get too fond of her it will ruin everything. She likes me very much but I think I am stepping on dangerous ground and I don't want to break the Moral Law. Am I terribly wicked? My wife might die before long and at least I will have a friend who could become my partner and I know we could be happy.

Thanks for your patience, please think of me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So.. why not wait it out and be there for your wife during her last days and during her last moments of clarity? Would you want your last days on earth spent with your spouse having sex with someone behind your back, while they both waited for you to die?

 

Surely, your new friend would understand and respect you more for being there for your wife in her last days. Unless she is simply callous, and some sort of deathwatch ghoul - she should understand and wait for you until you are ready to make the transition into a romantic relationship.

 

I would think, given your situation - that you need a friend right now, not a lover. Someone who you can talk to, lean on, and rely on for support and understanding during what is going to be a difficult time for you. Get to know this woman as a person who can be there for you through your wife's illness, and be there for you in the grieving process after your wife passes away.

[Salicious Crumb]

My wife has Alzheimer's and she is fading away from me fast. She won't make love any more. We get on well but I am very upset inside. My aunt introduced me to a wonderful woman, her second cousin, a widow, at the theatre. We are going to go out but I have told her that if I get too fond of her it will ruin everything. She likes me very much but I think I am stepping on dangerous ground and I don't want to break the Moral Law. Am I terribly wicked? My wife might die before long and at least I will have a friend who could become my partner and I know we could be happy.

Thanks for your patience, please think of me.

 

I am sorry about your wife...its a terrible disease which I hope they find a cure someday.

 

But have you ever heard of waiting until the body is cold?

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry to hear bout your wife, my husband's mom recently died and she suffered from Alzheimer's so I do understand the affect is has on everybody else ... My main concern for you is, the guilt you may feel if you pursue this other woman while your wife is fading away. I suggest therapy to help you cope better, and try not to involve yourself deeply with the OW. In all honesty, it's not fair to plan out your "future" with someone else, I mean, if your wife was suffering from cancer, would you be looking elsewhere? Or if it was you sick, would you expect your wife to be there and support you?

 

I also have to say, you'll need time to deal with the loss of your wife, your life together and marriage...You can't just head RIGHT into another relationship so quickly. I know you're prob. scared to be alone, and you're lonely...That's why support with those who are going through the same thing as you will help, and seeking one on one therapy.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[outofdarkness]

My wife has Alzheimer's and she is fading away from me fast. She won't make love any more. We get on well but I am very upset inside. My aunt introduced me to a wonderful woman, her second cousin, a widow, at the theatre. We are going to go out but I have told her that if I get too fond of her it will ruin everything. She likes me very much but I think I am stepping on dangerous ground and I don't want to break the Moral Law. Am I terribly wicked? My wife might die before long and at least I will have a friend who could become my partner and I know we could be happy.

Thanks for your patience, please think of me.

I am so very sorry to read of your wife's condition...It must be heartbreaking. Personally, I do not believe in a mean and punishing God..Not that you mentioned God, but I suppose I just took "wicked" in a religious way. I don't believe you would be considered "wicked" by anyone or any thing considering your particular situation. Having a friend to confide in whether male or female is imperative in your situation. Of course you have physical needs, as we all do, but it's up to you and your individual beliefs as far as what exactly you think should be done about that while your wife is ill and still living...Not to sound morbid.

 

Sometimes, it is enough just to be in the presence of another woman/man, in situations like yours...Just to have a companion can be extremely comforting and uplifting. I am not condoning A's...Please don't anyone think that! I just think in certain situations, it should be considered acceptable to have a companion...not even in the physical sense...Hope this helps and God Bless!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

During these times you need a friend. You need to have the clearest mind possible as it's going to get full up of grieving, caring, denial, worry, anger and then hopefully acceptance - and these will all occur during your wifes life.

 

I think it is great that you are beginning a friendship and looking after a part of you that needs to be nurtured during this time. I dont think complicating your life with what could become a moral tug-of-war in your mind is possibly the right way to go.

 

Let the friendship grow, tell the woman your position. Share your grief.

 

Best wishes

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I am sorry about your wife...its a terrible disease which I hope they find a cure someday.

 

But have you ever heard of waiting until the body is cold?

 

This is possibly the post most devoid of feeling for human pain that I have ever read on this site.

[norajane]

Your wife has probably nursed you through all kinds of illnesses and stresses during your lives together, so I imagine your first priority would be to give her the love and support she deserves right now. It's not her fault she "won't make love anymore"...do you think sex should be her priority when she is losing grasp of who she is? Do you have any idea how frightened she is right now, fading away from herself as well as you? How "upset inside" do you think she is?

 

...in sickness and in health, til death do us part...

 

That's what you signed up for when you married your wife, as did she. If the situation were reversed, would it be all right if she started dating some other man while you were fading from her?

 

If you need support, turn to your family, your friends, a therapist - not another woman. Even if you won't stay out of an affair as a courtesy to your wife (!!), do it out of kindness to this other woman. Do you really think she should play therapist for you?

 

You have a world of hurt going on right now, and you must be grieving, as you will after your wife is gone. Don't dump all that on another woman. You should only start a new relationship once you are healed and have something to offer her besides pain.

[Salicious Crumb]

This is possibly the post most devoid of feeling for human pain that I have ever read on this site.

 

I agree...to betray someone so sick that they can't even wait...it is very devoid of feeling.

 

I couldn't imagine doing this to someone I love. I'd be by their side until the end.

 

Hell, there isn't even a mourning period from this guy yet and he's already out with someone else? Get real.

 

And look at the other posts..I'm not the only one who sees it.

[whichwayisup]

My aunt introduced me to a wonderful woman, her second cousin, a widow, at the theatre.

 

Just need to ask. Did your Aunt set you "up" with this second cousin of hers, or was the meeting casual, not meant as you two hooking up.

[Jinxx]

Wow -- How hard this must be for you. I'm so sorry.

 

Does your wife still know who you are? Does she require round the clock care? Irregardless of how you handle it, it your decision on how to proceed. Some people will support you, some won't.

 

I know of a situation where a wife suffered a massive stroke. She was eventually put in nursing home. Mentally, she just wasn't there anymore. The husband continued to visit regularly his ill wife. This went on for years. During this time he met another woman. Was he supposed to wait around until his dear wife passed? Maybe some husbands would while some wouldn't. Either or what a difficult position to be in.

[cbl]

sorry to hear that.

 

i agree with jinxx. that's a tough call and whatever your decision is, someone will support your decision while someone won't. but you know your situation better.

 

when my mom was in her terminal condition due to gastric cancer, she told me that she was OK for my dad to start dating other woman and marry her. i never told my dad until after a few weeks after my mom died. my dad never did things like that when my mom was still alive. he retired from his job to take care of my mom until the minute she died. but that's his choice.

[Ripples]

Alzheimer's is one of the cruelest conditions. You don't say how much it is affecting your wife at the moment so it's very difficult to know what support you, as her carer, need.

 

I can offer you a story though:

 

My partner's mother had Alzheimers as well as very severe arthritis. She was, at the beginning, sweet and gentle, just as she always had been. Her arthritis meant she couldn't feed herself, couldn't toilet herself and couldn't walk.

 

Her husband cared for her with no outside help. He didn't have to, he could have put her into an extremely good nursing home as finances weren't an issue, but he decided that he had made his vow 'in sickness and in health' and he would stick by it. His patience, fortitude and love were quite remarkable.

 

In the last two years of her life, as a result of the Alzheimers, his wife changed. She became a different person. Most of the time she failed to recognise her husband, she became physically and verbally abusive and consequently, she became harder and harder to care for. However, her husband didn't give in, he didn't stop giving her the care she needed, not just the physical stuff - feeding her, washing her, making her comfortable, but also the loving things - playing her her favorite music (Matt Munroe ), looking at old photos with her, going along with the stories she used to believe were true (she used to believe that old friends who had died many years ago had visited her the day before), buying her flowers and chocolates, all those little gestures that made her quality of life that much better.

 

I and the family believe he was able to sustain this effort because in the last year he met a woman who gave him the love he needed to keep loving his wife.

 

The only proviso to this is the other woman, in this case, was incredibly understanding and very supportive of the situation. I believe she is one of the most selfless people I have ever met.

 

Good luck.

[Salicious Crumb]

Ok...I'll put this a little nicer than I did earlier.

 

I think you should forget about this other woman until the end has come for your wife. She is not able to have sex through no fault of her own.

If you truly love her, you'll stay by her side until the end. She DESERVES that respect.

 

Anything less is ultimate disrespect. And even though she doesn't know it, it is not fair to her.

[waggoner]

I am not about to abandon my dear wife. nor will I ever do so. However, P is my good friend and knows how I am because she is a widow and sympathetic but sensible. We are going to try not to get too fond of each other. Our days out for lunch a couple of times a month will be wonderful for me - a complete and utter change. I will make very sure that I do not make her into my emotional crutch. She is very smart and objective - most of the people who 'counsel' me seem to have little axes to grind - they are good but not as good as her. There are things you just can't tell a counsellor - I can tell her anything.

Thankyou very much indeed to all of you. I have benefited very much from you replies. In all my life I never thought this would ever happen to me.

Thankyou and God Bless You all.

[Blue Phoenix]

--"My aunt introduced me to a wonderful woman, her second cousin"-- Um isent that ilegal in a few states? lol sorry. Any ways ide say no dont get overly involved with this women yet. Like one of the other posters said you will need time to greve. I dout that you actualy love this lady yet more like shes there for you in your time of need..

[waggoner]

--"My aunt introduced me to a wonderful woman, her second cousin"-- Um isent that ilegal in a few states? lol sorry. Any ways ide say no dont get overly involved with this women yet. Like one of the other posters said you will need time to greve. I dout that you actualy love this lady yet more like shes there for you in your time of need..

Thankyou Pheo, You are kind indeed. You are wise 'Don't get overly involved...' I am grieving now. I am ok physically and mentally but emotionally I am holed below the waterline. Because of P, I do not fear loneliness.

Thanks

Just for you! 'I NEVER MAKE MASTIKES'!!

[waggoner]

Dear OOD, what are these A's you are not condoning? We are not having an affair. We speak on the phone and next week are going for a lunch. I trust her and she trusts me. Great friends do not have to go for sex. I think it is strange that a man cannot have a woman friend. I will not contravene the decalogue. My mind is full of thoughts I did not instigate nor want. Bless you. OOD from Waggoner

[outofdarkness]

Dear OOD, what are these A's you are not condoning? We are not having an affair. We speak on the phone and next week are going for a lunch. I trust her and she trusts me. Great friends do not have to go for sex. I think it is strange that a man cannot have a woman friend. I will not contravene the decalogue. My mind is full of thoughts I did not instigate nor want. Bless you. OOD from Waggoner

Just covering by bases b/c I know many BS's are on this forum...Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...that is just the way I am...always apologizing...mabey that's part of what made me such an easy mark for my H??? I wish you every happiness, and did not mean there was anything wrong with friendships. You do run into murky water on these forums if you start posing about male/female friendships. Many are BS's and still hurt alot...Many of their A's began as friendhips...I hope I've helped you to understand, and I will be praying for you and your W...

[puddleofmud]

Bless you for seeking advice and comfort from others such as by coming to this forum. This speaks well of you in that you are willing to research your feelings before jumping into anything.

I am terribly sorry for your and your wife's suffering.

YOU know your wife more than anyone so you are the only one who would know how she would feel about this--perhaps that would be importantly considered.

Some spouses would consider that "life is for the living" and wish for their partner to be eased by any means humanly possible. I would actually be one of those people, but that is just me. You are the only one who knows what would be acceptable in regards to how you wife would feel or how any children the two of you have would feel / be affected.

As to how you are feeling; I don't find it unusual. After 9/11 some of those traumatized began affairs or divorced from the stress of crisis or that crisis set about excaserbating previous marital difficulties.

I bring this light in order that you may not feel "wicked" about the thoughts you may be having: nothing is "normal" in a crisis because it is unknown territory.

Thus, everything you feel is "normal" in your unique sitation.

It is also very common for those widowed to be supportive in these situations and for that support to blossom in to something more.

I once read an answer from "Dear Abby" to an angry grown son who stated that his father had recently passed away and his Mother already had a widowed suitor--w/ plans of marriage, who had been one of support during his Father's terminal illness. Abby's answer was that life is short; let your Mother be happy again!

Though, at this time, I would not condone a full fleged affair; I would consider it wonderful for you to have as many supportive and considerate "friends" as possible.

The situation is still "new" so give yourself time and go w/ the flow, one day at a time.

You sound very wise and loving!

Only you can decide what is best.

Warmest regards.

[waggoner]

Dear POM, Thankyou very much for your most helpful and well thought out post. Bringing in the ongoing tragedies of 9/11 is a privilege for me to hear, not being from your wonderful country. All what you say is most relevant to me and I thank you. Yes, you are right the situation is 'new' and I must take one day at a time.

What a wonderful forum this is!

I'll carry you about with me when I make my decisions. I've learnt a lot.

Warmest felicitations.

[tweldy]

Ignoring the moral/ethical dilemma for a moment, you are going through an extremely difficult situation - right now isn't the time for another relationship. One of the hardest things for a person to do is care for a spouse when they are no longer capable of meeting any of your emotional needs. You are now in a one-way relationship where no one is filling your cup - you are being constantly drained and it takes a heavy toll. Its natural that you would seek out some sort of relationship that would help replentish your reserves - but in your current emotional state a romantic engagement will likely be disasterous.

 

Right now would be a good time for some self-examination and some reflection about how to deal with end of life issues for spouses and family members. It is a time of transition and learning about yourself. The last thing you need is more drama in the form of a new relationship. I wish you the best.

[waggoner]

I went out with my friend yesterday. Prior to this I had a few days agonising about what I was going to do. We met at a shopping centre and had coffee and a talk. She spoke about her much loved late husband and about her family. She knows my wife and thinks a lot of her. Her manner was warm and supportive and we have the view that we are going to go slowly and be discreet and take care that no-one should be hurt by our attachment. She has helped many people in her life and although she is helping me with my sad situation, we had a very humorous day, a nice lunch and got on very well. We agreed to meet again and although we are friendly we are not sharing any future desire. I have great respect for her through the private things she told me about the years since her husband's death and about how she conducts herself. I think that God has sent this wonderful woman to me and I am not going to debase my marriage nor her trust. My heart does not leap when I think about her but I admit to a warm feeling of gratitude. We are going on a long walk along the river soon. We won't be holding hands but we will have a bond of humourous well-managed friendship.

Best Wishes to you all and thanks.

Waggoner

[pricillia]

I am sorry about your wife...its a terrible disease which I hope they find a cure someday.

 

But have you ever heard of waiting until the body is cold?

 

 

OMG, that was so heartless, the body that your reffering to is his wife, and I am sure that he has "heard of it"

 

WTF HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SOME COMPASSION.... YOU SEE IT DOES NOT MATTER THE SITUATION TO YOU JUST THAT IT IS MORALLY WRONG.. BLAH BLAH BLAH...

 

How about some constructive advice... oh no that is impossible for you as you can only think in a negative light.

[outofdarkness]

I went out with my friend yesterday. Prior to this I had a few days agonising about what I was going to do. We met at a shopping centre and had coffee and a talk. She spoke about her much loved late husband and about her family. She knows my wife and thinks a lot of her. Her manner was warm and supportive and we have the view that we are going to go slowly and be discreet and take care that no-one should be hurt by our attachment. She has helped many people in her life and although she is helping me with my sad situation, we had a very humorous day, a nice lunch and got on very well. We agreed to meet again and although we are friendly we are not sharing any future desire. I have great respect for her through the private things she told me about the years since her husband's death and about how she conducts herself. I think that God has sent this wonderful woman to me and I am not going to debase my marriage nor her trust. My heart does not leap when I think about her but I admit to a warm feeling of gratitude. We are going on a long walk along the river soon. We won't be holding hands but we will have a bond of humourous well-managed friendship.

Best Wishes to you all and thanks.

Waggoner

GOOD FOR U!!!! I'm glad you are finding some peace and companionship!!