Have so many answers then what did you do wrong?

[outofdarkness]

I have an idea for a post.

 

Why is your MM cheating?

 

Is his W a frigid, nagging witch that has no interest in anything he wants to do? Dis she stop putting out? Did he fall out of love with her?

 

Do you want to blame your already failing marriage totally on the OW? Well we have the website for you!

This was uncalled for and only fosters contempt...We are all trying to understand things and support each other aren't we? Just because you've been TOLD these things does NOT mean they are true, or that you can assume all MM who are involved in A have spouses that are like you've described. Also, as another poster pointed out, there are not always problems with the marriage. Sometimes, people are aggressive, and happen to hit a weak moment, and sometimes two people are just in the same place at the same time wth the the same needs for that moment. NOONE is perfect. We were not made to be perfect...Every situation is unique, and I believe that it's unfair to lump everyone into one catagory as far as this heated topic.

[BenThereDunThat]

How many of you know this to be true...

 

When a woman cheats, it is almost always because there's a problem in the marriage. She is unhappy and isn't dealing with her husband/SO directly.

 

When a man cheats, it's for entirely different reasons. He is almost NEVER unhappy at home. He just wants MORE. How many times have you heard about him getting caught and then BEGGING the wife to take him back. "I'm so sorry baby, it will never happen again, she meant nothing I swear...it was just sex..."

 

OW's will always believe him when he tells her he's unhappy at home, because women can relate to that. We women are extremely easy to lie to in this regard.

 

As the OW, if you could just pull yourself out of the situation, and really look closely at what it's doing to you, to your self-esteem.

 

Who cares if he truly is unhappy at home? That makes it ok for you to be continuously lied to and manipulated? If that's true, then that is HIS problem to deal with. On his OWN. Don't we have enough problems in our day-to-day lives without taking on a guy who can't live his own, honest, happy life?!

 

I know I do!

 

I'm not flaming. I am on your side. I just think you're settling for so much less.

 

(and by 'you', I'm not addressing anyone in particular.)

[Guest]

I didnt do anything wrong - they did.

[vanilla chai]

Again no answers just comments. Par for the course..

 

But you want answers from the OW when you ask us questions. HMMMM

 

I can't answer, considering im not a bw

[Can'tGiveUp]

Actually, the questions asked are consistent with the questions that have been posed to OW on this board. The difference is that the OW have attempted to honestly answer them in most cases.

 

Perhaps the negative reaction has to do with the fact that:

a)ysm asked them...and she has not been well received lately and

b)the first response set the tone

 

I find that there is frequently a condescending tone in these types of questions when they are posed by the BS, yet they are given the benefit of the doubt by most and the answers are provided.

 

Do they think there aren't questions that the OW have? I have not asked mine because I don't think any BS on the board could answer them for my situation (or more correctly the situation I was in).

 

My questions would not focus on the effects of an A, as we were not caught, so much as the things she has done and said. It still boggles my mind how a woman could act like that. But no one except her could answer with any sort of accuracy.

 

But my questions will remain unasked and unanswered and to be honest, I don't really care. I am satisfied that he made the wrong choice by staying, and I know that he will spend the rest of his life regretting it. Not my problem.

[bellababygirl]

Actually, the questions asked are consistent with the questions that have been posed to OW on this board. The difference is that the OW have attempted to honestly answer them in most cases.

 

Perhaps the negative reaction has to do with the fact that:

a)ysm asked them...and she has not been well received lately and

b)the first response set the tone

 

I find that there is frequently a condescending tone in these types of questions when they are posed by the BS, yet they are given the benefit of the doubt by most and the answers are provided.

 

Do they think there aren't questions that the OW have? I have not asked mine because I don't think any BS on the board could answer them for my situation (or more correctly the situation I was in).

 

My questions would not focus on the effects of an A, as we were not caught, so much as the things she has done and said. It still boggles my mind how a woman could act like that. But no one except her could answer with any sort of accuracy.

 

But my questions will remain unasked and unanswered and to be honest, I don't really care. I am satisfied that he made the wrong choice by staying, and I know that he will spend the rest of his life regretting it. Not my problem.

 

 

 

" I am satisfied that he made the wrong choice by staying, and I know that he will spend the rest of his life regretting it. Not my problem."

 

The above is something I have been wanting to know about. So many posts have referred to the right owed to the BW from the OW??? Well, the OW didnt marry the BW so why do we owe the BW anything at all? Now, keep in mind I, too, do not believe in demanding the MM D. the wife. Why would you want the MM to D. just because of your demand? I have told my MM I dont want to know anything about his BW, good or bad...this perplexes him. I dont ask him to D. her and this puzzles him even more - especially when he tells me, "I CAN'T DIVORCE MY WIFE." "I NEVER ASKED YOU TOO," is my same response.

 

His M. his BW his problem to solve. Now, my thinking is if he wants a life with me then it is going to take time to have that...we have a son coming...he doesnt want me with another man...so, if it is a life he wants with me then he has to spend a substantial amount of time with our family. I dont see how the BW wouldnt eventually find out, or he would have to eventually tell her. Now, if she knows and doesnt want to D. due to finanical reasons, or social status, etc. then that too is not my business. I dont want to get married. So, living together works for me.

 

I dont see how he could stay with her and be with me, unless he has Santa's magic and can cover the world in one night...and I dont see how me demanding anything in regards to their R. is my place. As long as my R. with my MM is satisfying and one I enjoy then the ramifications of our R. on his M. is something he has to answer to! One thing all posters seem to agree on is "WHY NOT MAKE YOUR MM TAKE RESPONSIBLITY!" Well, if people keep insisting the OW owes the BS something then doesnt that take away responsiblity from the MM? Afterall, he said "I DO," not the OW!

 

So, I dont think any OW is holding a gun to her MM's head and making them have sex with them or develop a R. with them...until a OW is proven of doing that then the MM is making his own choice to have a life outside the M. Who says if the OW were to say, "sorry, your BW deserves my respect of denying our R." that he wont just find him another OW? Honestly. does a BW think if she is successful intimidating one OW her MM will stay in the M. and faithful to her???

[Ripples]

We had problems that stemmed from not understanding each other's values, and we were equally at fault in not addressing them constructively. So, he looked for another woman that he was more compatible with that he could dump me for. Despite three years of looking, he didn't find her and realised that whoever he ended up with, he would need to work at the relationship. He decided that we loved each other enough to do just that.

 

Bella, you're showing you have very low standards of behaviour. Your thinking that you may as well continue an affair with a MM because if you didn't he'd find someone else to have an affair with, is very twisted.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So many posts have referred to the right owed to the BW from the OW??? Well, the OW didnt marry the BW so why do we owe the BW anything at all?

 

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a moment...

 

I don't think its a matter of 'owing' the BW anything. I'm pretty sure people see it as a matter of human decency. Generally speaking, people tend to think that you simply do not pursue and involve yourself with someone who is married to someone else.

 

Its the whole golden rule thing. You wouldn't want someone insinuating themselves into your life and helping themselves to something that is yours - why would you do it to them?

 

Sure the MM is the one pursuing, and taking the initiative most of the time. That still doesn't make it ok to go along with it. I read something on another site that made a lot of sense.

 

Think of the affair as a Mack truck. The MM is driving it right over the BW. The OW may not be driving, but she is sitting right alongside him, knowing full well the damage and pain that she is causing simply be participating in this affair. That makes her an accomplice to the BW's pain. Period. Of course the BW is going to aim some of her anger at the OW. It isn't because the BW feels that the OW 'owes' her something. Its because the OW didn't have the basic human respect and decency not to get involved with someone else's husband. The BW sees the MM as commiting a crime to the relationship with the affair, and the OW as an accessory to said crime.

 

Regardless of how much you want to justify it or explain it, you simply have to accept one thing: you are an accessory to the BW's pain simply by refusing to say 'no' to a married man. There is no getting around that. Make yourself a 'victim' to the affair all you want. As soon as you found out he was married, you became a volunteer - not a victim. You are willfully, knowingly and without remorse causing pain to another human being simply be participating in an affair with a married man.

 

That willfullness, that lack of remorse - that tendency to look out for yourself with no regard to another person is what the BW reacts to.

 

I think that we all owe it to ourselves to be happy, but can you understand why a BW wouldn't want you to do that at her expense?

[DifficultEndings]

Both my H and I were young and didn't understand how a marriage worked...or what it meant to get married. On top of that we had children to early. Something is broken within him. He never got to "sow his wild oats". Etc, so forth, and so on.

[Babybird]

This was uncalled for and only fosters contempt...We are all trying to understand things and support each other aren't we?

 

Exactly. The OW/OM gets your(The BS) opinions. We're told we're worthless, immoral, homewreckers, have low-self esteems, no self-worth, pathetic, disgusting, delusional, and that's just the beginning. Sound like support to you? If they didn't have a low self-esteem when they came here they probably would after reading some of the "advice and support". There's a difference between being realistic and being cruel.

 

[\quote]Just because you've been TOLD these things does NOT mean they are true, or that you can assume all MM who are involved in A have spouses that are like you've described. Also, as another poster pointed out, there are not always problems with the marriage.

 

I didn't assume all BS were that way. Those were examples and most MM use them. It wasn't supposed to be malicious, just honest. Your statement can be applied to both OW and BS. Who says he's being honest with his wife??? Obviously he isn't if he's having an A, so what makes the BS believe they or they as a couple did nothing wrong, had no problems and the marriage was fine? Sounds niave.

 

 

[\quote] NOONE is perfect. We were not made to be perfect...Every situation is unique, and I believe that it's unfair to lump everyone into one catagory as far as this heated topic.

 

Boy did you hit the nail on the head. These postings may stir up trouble but sometimes people get tired of being ripped to shredds for something YOU(in general) think is wrong. The OW/OM gets tired of being the scapegoat for a failed marriage. I am by NO means saying that the OW has nothing to do with it but can't be given all of the blame and typically she is.

 

BTW: whatever man says there was nothing wrong with the marriage....do you really believe that? Weak moment, agressive person, whatever, he is lying. Money, sex, kids, cars, houses, etc doesn't make for a happy marriage. Think about it. Most men can't say what's wrong anyway. It takes a rare man, in my experience, to admit why the marriage is failing. Especially if he can't even say why just knows he wants more. (and I don't mean just cake;)).

[Anka]

I cant believe the OW actually believes the crap the MM feeds her. Unbelievable.

And Im not a OW, nor am I a BW. Just a grown woman with common sense.

[Anka]

And if this whole "Every situation is different" crap was true, I wouldnt be reading the same staory over and over again.

 

Cheaters are liars. Bottom line.

[Babybird]

Anka: So you've never had experience cheating? Married or not?

 

You've never loved someone that you wanted to believe?

 

 

 

Similar circumstances doesn't make the story a repeat.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well, I didn't know I was betrayed until fifteen years later after I filed for a divorce under different circumstances. You'd be surprised how eager people are to let go of their secrets once they think the coast is clear!

 

 

So since you are trying to work or your marriage and you are either in or not in therapy what was it in your marriage that went wrong?

 

First, we were both young, immature and inexperienced. I was a mother and wife at the age of nineteen. My FIRST serious relationship. Didn't even know who "I" was let alone the person I married until we actually lived together.

 

 

What lead to the affair?

 

My husband at the time was under pressure to get help for his alcoholism and cocaine addiction. By both myself and our families once I finally found the courage to tell someone what was going on and ask for help. I was scared for myself and my daughter, and he was getting worse.

 

What part did you play in the marriage that the end results end up as you being the BS?

 

I think I nagged him too much about getting treatment. Yeah, I know … bad, bad me. Anyway, he found a sympathizer (aka: enabler) in his "sister-friend."

 

In retrospect, I'm partly to blame for being naïve enough at nineteen to overlook all the "signs" that were there in spite of how good he was a lying about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. (Addicts are real good at that.)

 

Anyway, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because although I had some suspicion that something wasn't quite right, I had no absolute proof. I was told over and over again that I was being immature, jealous and paranoid. And when I dared to confide my worries in mutual friends … no one was talking. Perhaps to "protect" me or my baby girl … Or perhaps just to protect him knowing that I would stay by his side during sickness and health ... but not if I knew he was screwing another woman.

 

Who knows why some people do the ugly things that they do (???) … But I DO know that I absolutely bought the story, hook line and sinker, that they were just "friends." I absolutely fell for her act as well when she pretended to be my friend, too. After all, she had been the one to hook us up. I even made her a bridesmaid in my wedding and godmother to my first and only daughter. I was even happy when she moved next door with her husband.

 

Yeah. I was a numpty little girl at one time, too. But at least the mistakes I made only hurt myself and didn't make casualties of the other people in my life. As a matter of fact, both my ex and my daughter still say to this day that because I didn't quit so easily, I was instrumental in both of their recoveries.

 

But I can't take the credit for helping to save anyone where my husband's life is concerned. Because it doesn't seem like an honest effort in hindsight of what I know now. If someone had respected me enough to fill me in on the rest of the facts, I would have absolutely thrown the towel and gladly allowed "her" to assume all my wifely responsibilities.

[outofdarkness]

Thanks for the reply...All I can say is that EVERYONE who is involved in an A is told lies..and I do mean EVERYONE! You could be the rare exception to the rule, I don't know b/c I don't know you all...I DO know that if we are to help each other get through our situations, we must have a certain amount of respect and be at least alittle open minded.

 

Ummm, yeah...There is a big difference between being cruel and offering an objective opinion. Constructive critisism can be very helpful if one is open to it...I DO NOT believe that all OW are homewreckers. I don't even believe this is a fair term now days...I DO believe that if a M is already in trouble, it's not a fair reason of justification for and A...I guess I'm trying to say that I don't believe that A's are right and it seems from reading these threads that it's a rarity for MM's to just have a friendship w/ another woman, married or not...Lies hurt relationships, and if the friendship is something the M couple has discussed and the S is aware of, then that's ok..It's the lieing and secrecy that are so wrong and foster contempt, distrust and humiliation...FOR everyone involved...

 

And..I don't believe that the blame should shift either way...BOTH entered into the A as adults, fully aware of what they were doing...The consequences, etc...BOTH are equally to blame is my opinion. But...Does BLAME really help anyone involved. I really tore myself up with this issue as far as My H's A's..And I've run into this as a parent too. Blame and guilt eat us up and are not healthy for anyone.

 

You're right, men in general are not very good at expressing their feelings...It does take a very special and strong man to step up to the plate, admit what he's done, and begin the healing process. I think these are the men that are more of a "man" then many of us will ever know...If that makes sense. It's not easy for anymone male or female to admit our mistakes and wrongdoings, but it sure does make a huge difference in peoples's lives...Then, it's up to the recipient to decide to forgive and begin living their life again. The forgiveness, as a dear friend told me years ago, is for YOU....not the person your're trying to forgive!! It took me years to understand this!

 

And, lastly, I do not consider thinking that there were not marital problems being "naive"...Perhaps there is some denial involved there, I know there was on my part personally, but I would not consider myself to be naive...Our H's are EXTREMELY good liars!!! We trusted them completely, and loved/love them dearly. Hope this info helps...Thanks again for your honesty.

[outofdarkness]

Exactly. The OW/OM gets your(The BS) opinions. We're told we're worthless, immoral, homewreckers, have low-self esteems, no self-worth, pathetic, disgusting, delusional, and that's just the beginning. Sound like support to you? If they didn't have a low self-esteem when they came here they probably would after reading some of the "advice and support". There's a difference between being realistic and being cruel.

 

[\quote]Just because you've been TOLD these things does NOT mean they are true, or that you can assume all MM who are involved in A have spouses that are like you've described. Also, as another poster pointed out, there are not always problems with the marriage.

 

I didn't assume all BS were that way. Those were examples and most MM use them. It wasn't supposed to be malicious, just honest. Your statement can be applied to both OW and BS. Who says he's being honest with his wife??? Obviously he isn't if he's having an A, so what makes the BS believe they or they as a couple did nothing wrong, had no problems and the marriage was fine? Sounds niave.

 

 

[\quote] NOONE is perfect. We were not made to be perfect...Every situation is unique, and I believe that it's unfair to lump everyone into one catagory as far as this heated topic.

 

Boy did you hit the nail on the head. These postings may stir up trouble but sometimes people get tired of being ripped to shredds for something YOU(in general) think is wrong. The OW/OM gets tired of being the scapegoat for a failed marriage. I am by NO means saying that the OW has nothing to do with it but can't be given all of the blame and typically she is.

 

BTW: whatever man says there was nothing wrong with the marriage....do you really believe that? Weak moment, agressive person, whatever, he is lying. Money, sex, kids, cars, houses, etc doesn't make for a happy marriage. Think about it. Most men can't say what's wrong anyway. It takes a rare man, in my experience, to admit why the marriage is failing. Especially if he can't even say why just knows he wants more. (and I don't mean just cake;)).

My long post was mean to be a reply to this one, sorry but I forgot to ck the little box!

[outofdarkness]

I didn't assume all BS were that way. Those were examples and most MM use them. It wasn't supposed to be malicious, just honest. Your statement can be applied to both OW and BS. Who says he's being honest with his wife??? Obviously he isn't if he's having an A, so what makes the BS believe they or they as a couple did nothing wrong, had no problems and the marriage was fine? Sounds niave.

 

 

[\quote] NOONE is perfect. We were not made to be perfect...Every situation is unique, and I believe that it's unfair to lump everyone into one catagory as far as this heated topic.

 

Boy did you hit the nail on the head. These postings may stir up trouble but sometimes people get tired of being ripped to shredds for something YOU(in general) think is wrong. The OW/OM gets tired of being the scapegoat for a failed marriage. I am by NO means saying that the OW has nothing to do with it but can't be given all of the blame and typically she is.

 

BTW: whatever man says there was nothing wrong with the marriage....do you really believe that? Weak moment, agressive person, whatever, he is lying. Money, sex, kids, cars, houses, etc doesn't make for a happy marriage. Think about it. Most men can't say what's wrong anyway. It takes a rare man, in my experience, to admit why the marriage is failing. Especially if he can't even say why just knows he wants more. (and I don't mean just cake;)).

My long post was mean to be a reply to this one, sorry but I forgot to ck the little box!

omg..what happend to this post!!! sorry you all...

[Sup]

If you think you're morally on par with the BS then you are completely delusional.

 

OK-here's your questions. Is she sleeping with your husband? Is she integrating herself by covert means into your family? Is she doing something that could disrupt your childs life?

 

You can't seriously compare apples and oranges here.

 

I'll admit this, though..the MM should have the balls to confront any problem in the M before it escalates to an affair or just get a D.

 

But to throw blame that the BS is at fault when you're sleeping with her husband is deplorable.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting such a thing.

 

 

I agree! It would be the same as letting a guilty Murderer go, and Executing an innocent person. Illogical.

[Sup]

Jinxx: Answered my question. If directing a question at the BS will attract more of them I figured I would reverse it.

 

Even if the MM/MW is lying there is still truth in it somewhere. There is a reason why they cheat.

 

 

It's called, they wanna have sex with someone NEW, ya know someone different.

[Anka]

I have loved DEEPLY. I have had an experience with cheating.

 

In fact, I left my last M for the man Im with now. I really love my B/f, and therefore would not lie and sneak to be with him. Plus I have more self respect then to live a lie.

 

People capable of living in deception freak me out. Its so cold.

 

Plus my job allows me to see a side of men that people usually do not see.

[Guest]

I'll answer the question. I am responsible for 50% of the marriage. I hold NO responsibility for what takes place outside of the marriage without my knowledge. You don't solve marriage problems by stepping outside of it.

 

How many OW here have heard: I'm just staying until the kids graduate. We stopped having sex years ago (yeah right). I sleep in the spare bedroom. She's not well so I can't leave right now. She's a bitch. She doesn't understand me the way you do. I don't love her anymore, I love YOU. I only married her because (insert reason). Yada yada yada.

 

If you think all of that is the truth then call the wife and show her proof of the A. You'll be surprised how quickly you are thrown under the bus while he runs home with his tail between his legs.

[Babybird]

 

How many OW here have heard: I'm just staying until the kids graduate. We stopped having sex years ago (yeah right). I sleep in the spare bedroom. She's not well so I can't leave right now. She's a bitch. She doesn't understand me the way you do. I don't love her anymore, I love YOU. I only married her because (insert reason). Yada yada yada.

 

It is amazing how similar the lines MM give are.

 

Staying till the kids graduate....check.

We stopped having sex years ago...1/2 check...the very rarely have sex. Maybe once a month..sometimes longer.

Sleep in spare room....check, but it's the basement.

She's a bitch...he says hag but close enough.

I don't love her anymore, I love you....1/2 check...kind of. He loves her as the mother of his child. Same difference though right?

I only married her because....check(all my friends were doing it).

 

Do you think there is some column like in playboy that gives these as "Lines to use when having an Affair"?

 

LOL

[Audero]

For the Ws who say there was nothing wrong in the M, I call bs. If your M was "fine", "perfect" or "happy" these men would never have taken a second look at the OW. Period. He can lie to you Ws, but the fact remains, if a man is happy, he is not going to stray. I'm not saying he doesn't love his W, he very well could. But he is obviously looking to get needs met that he isn't getting at home. Simple as that. And no, I am not blaming the Ws, it's the MM's fault he cheated. But I do get tired of the Ws burying their heads in the sand, and claiming they had the Cleaver lifestyle until some woman came along and ruined it all.

[Seen_It_All]

If your M was "fine", "perfect" or "happy" these men would never have taken a second look at the OW. Period. He can lie to you Ws, but the fact remains, if a man is happy, he is not going to stray.

 

Do you seriously believe that?

 

There are SO MANY men out there that think with their d*cks that it's not even funny. The state of their marriages has nothing to DO with their constant pursuit of sexual excitement on the side. I've known many men that said their marriages were just fine - they were content and had no desire to change their lives. BUT, they can't resist the excitement of 'strange' on the side and continue to pursue it whenever they can.

 

I don't blame that on the state of their marriage. I blame it squarely on THEM for being a*ssholes.

[Audero]

Do you seriously believe that?

 

There are SO MANY men out there that think with their d*cks that it's not even funny. The state of their marriages has nothing to DO with their constant pursuit of sexual excitement on the side. I've known many men that said their marriages were just fine - they were content and had no desire to change their lives. BUT, they can't resist the excitement of 'strange' on the side and continue to pursue it whenever they can.

 

I don't blame that on the state of their marriage. I blame it squarely on THEM for being a*ssholes.

Yes, I believe that. If a man is completely happy at home, he will not stray. And as I said, he can lie and say his marriage is fine, it's just for sex, etc, but that is bs. IF the man was satisfied, he would not be out looking, be it for an emotional affair, or a sexual one.