outofdarkness Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I was just wondering if you all could give me your NC stories..I was totally unaware of this term until I joined this forum last Fall. I know for sure that one of my H's OWs went NC for a few months with my H after D day, but they resumed contact, while my H continued to lie to me...Even after he saw me fall apart and begged and whined for me to please not file for d. I know that one day when this particular OW's name was brought up, he said; "You don't understand, she will not let up, she will call and call and call". Is this typical, or just him pushing blame on her? Is it possible or probable that he really DID try to stay away from her and she was relentless as he said to me? Also, what do you think the chances are that she just stepped away permenantly after he stated his desire to stay in the M, as he told me? I might add that this was the A that was so heated at the end...Her number was on our cell bill literally every hour on the hour for hours at a time...It seemed obsessive...Is THIS standard behavior if you can't be together as a M couple would be? I'm asking b/c I really don't know.. I spoke to her only twice, as that was enough for me...She was really rude and crude and deliberately tried to humiliate me. Her parting words were that she would never stop being his "friend" even in absentia... I am interested mostly in just what experiences you all have had with this NC thing and what you all think about my brief encounter with one...Thanks in advance..
ratingsguy Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I was just wondering if you all could give me your NC stories..I was totally unaware of this term until I joined this forum last Fall. So was I actually. Despite that, I had experienced NC once before after getting out of a year long R, where me and my ex lived together. She was not a MW, nor I a MM if that makes a difference. She had grown apart from me, and finally broke up with me. After I moved out, she was very insistant about being friends. I actually wanted that too, but in due time. I didn't think it was fair for her to demand such a thing after kicking me to the curb. I asked her not to contact me in any way and just give me a few months to heal and I would contact her again when I was ready. She got really upset and told me not to bother. Not very mature, but that's the person I was dealing with. I stuck to the NC (as did she) and after about 5 or 6 months I was completely over her. Because she was such an ass, I didn't bother contacting her until maybe a year and a half after that. Just to say hi and see how she was. Now we're casual friends, but neither of us have romantic interest in one another. So I'm here to say that NC does indeed work. I know that one day when this particular OW's name was brought up, he said; "You don't understand, she will not let up, she will call and call and call". Is this typical, or just him pushing blame on her? Is it possible or probable that he really DID try to stay away from her and she was relentless as he said to me? It's very possible. I think we've all had our share of psychos in our lifetime. Working in the radio business and meeting listeners, I can think of a few women who would not leave me alone... endless phone calls, and even visits to the station! I was afraid to leave sometimes. It was borderline stalking and some friends and co-workers encouraged me to call the police, but I never did. Luckily, the situations diffused on their own. But an ex acting psycho is not unique to the MM/OW, MW/OM dynamic.. it could happen in any relationship. Also, what do you think the chances are that she just stepped away permenantly after he stated his desire to stay in the M, as he told me? That's hard to tell. But from how you describe the situation, it doesn't look like she wanted to give him up without a fight. I might add that this was the A that was so heated at the end...Her number was on our cell bill literally every hour on the hour for hours at a time...It seemed obsessive...Is THIS standard behavior if you can't be together as a M couple would be? I'm asking b/c I really don't know.. I don't know for sure either, but I'd venture to guess that it's not. People move on... it takes longer for some people, but eventually it does happen. In your scenerio here, it seems like the OW is a little nutty... and there could be more to this story to make the OW act so nutty... unless of course she truly is psycho. I am interested mostly in just what experiences you all have had with this NC thing and what you all think about my brief encounter with one...Thanks in advance.. It's a little different for you since you were the W to a MM and OW in a NC. I get the impression that she has a few screws loose... especially to be brazen enough to call you and behave the way she did. Perhaps your H is starting to see this also... or has known about it and has finally decided to act. For those of us who go through NC, it is difficult emotionally, and very difficult sometimes to maintain... for both parties. I'm currently in NC, and I'm finding it fairly easy (so far) to maintain NC. I do have urges to want to tell my MW how much she's hurt me and I wish she could see me in pain... but my gut and my head tells me that she is well aware. There are a lot of ups and downs for me. Yesterday was day 3 and I didn't shed a tear. Today is day 4 and I've cried for a good portion of the day. The people in this hotel must think I'm nuts if they can hear me... lol (I'm away on business). But I remain confident that I will perservere. May is a long way away, but I can make it there.
Author outofdarkness Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 So was I actually. Despite that, I had experienced NC once before after getting out of a year long R, where me and my ex lived together. She was not a MW, nor I a MM if that makes a difference. She had grown apart from me, and finally broke up with me. After I moved out, she was very insistant about being friends. I actually wanted that too, but in due time. I didn't think it was fair for her to demand such a thing after kicking me to the curb. I asked her not to contact me in any way and just give me a few months to heal and I would contact her again when I was ready. She got really upset and told me not to bother. Not very mature, but that's the person I was dealing with. I stuck to the NC (as did she) and after about 5 or 6 months I was completely over her. Because she was such an ass, I didn't bother contacting her until maybe a year and a half after that. Just to say hi and see how she was. Now we're casual friends, but neither of us have romantic interest in one another. So I'm here to say that NC does indeed work. It's very possible. I think we've all had our share of psychos in our lifetime. Working in the radio business and meeting listeners, I can think of a few women who would not leave me alone... endless phone calls, and even visits to the station! I was afraid to leave sometimes. It was borderline stalking and some friends and co-workers encouraged me to call the police, but I never did. Luckily, the situations diffused on their own. But an ex acting psycho is not unique to the MM/OW, MW/OM dynamic.. it could happen in any relationship. That's hard to tell. But from how you describe the situation, it doesn't look like she wanted to give him up without a fight. I don't know for sure either, but I'd venture to guess that it's not. People move on... it takes longer for some people, but eventually it does happen. In your scenerio here, it seems like the OW is a little nutty... and there could be more to this story to make the OW act so nutty... unless of course she truly is psycho. It's a little different for you since you were the W to a MM and OW in a NC. I get the impression that she has a few screws loose... especially to be brazen enough to call you and behave the way she did. Perhaps your H is starting to see this also... or has known about it and has finally decided to act. For those of us who go through NC, it is difficult emotionally, and very difficult sometimes to maintain... for both parties. I'm currently in NC, and I'm finding it fairly easy (so far) to maintain NC. I do have urges to want to tell my MW how much she's hurt me and I wish she could see me in pain... but my gut and my head tells me that she is well aware. There are a lot of ups and downs for me. Yesterday was day 3 and I didn't shed a tear. Today is day 4 and I've cried for a good portion of the day. The people in this hotel must think I'm nuts if they can hear me... lol (I'm away on business). But I remain confident that I will perservere. May is a long way away, but I can make it there. You made me smile for the first time today! Thanks for an insightful and very informative post. I see that I didn't have much interest in this new thread, so I doubly thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to post on it! Sounds like you stay very busy...must be an interesting business to be in, and, yes...I'll bet you've seen your share of nutcases! It had been brought to my attention by more then one person that this particular OW might have a few screws loose, but as I said, I really didn't know if this was standard behavior for those in A's or not.. Thanks again for the info and have a great trip!
frannie Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I was just wondering if you all could give me your NC stories..I was totally unaware of this term until I joined this forum last Fall. I know for sure that one of my H's OWs went NC for a few months with my H after D day, but they resumed contact, while my H continued to lie to me...Even after he saw me fall apart and begged and whined for me to please not file for d. I know that one day when this particular OW's name was brought up, he said; "You don't understand, she will not let up, she will call and call and call". Is this typical, or just him pushing blame on her? Is it possible or probable that he really DID try to stay away from her and she was relentless as he said to me? Also, what do you think the chances are that she just stepped away permenantly after he stated his desire to stay in the M, as he told me? I might add that this was the A that was so heated at the end...Her number was on our cell bill literally every hour on the hour for hours at a time...It seemed obsessive...Is THIS standard behavior if you can't be together as a M couple would be? I'm asking b/c I really don't know.. I spoke to her only twice, as that was enough for me...She was really rude and crude and deliberately tried to humiliate me. Her parting words were that she would never stop being his "friend" even in absentia... I am interested mostly in just what experiences you all have had with this NC thing and what you all think about my brief encounter with one...Thanks in advance.. Well, I don't think you can apply general rules to this... I've read of MM who won't respect NC, and OW who won't. It is entirely possible that an OW will try to end things and keep getting pestered by a MM, even years after she moved on. Similarly, a MM may try to end it with an OW and she can't deal with that for whatever reason. I would go on the information you have from YOUR H, and the OW you spoke to. "Rude and crude and humiliating" and defiant... and her phone number appearing over and over on his bill..? That's her character there. On the other hand, you can't know what he's been telling her. She could be off the scale and delusional, and needy or belligerant or whatever. But if he's told her over and over about how awful you are, and how he needs a friend... there you have the reason, in part, for such behaviour, and such an attitude. Really, you have no clue what he's told her, where that behaviour is coming from. Nor that he's told her flat out that he loves you and wants to work on your relationship. So you're in the dark as far as analysing this. IF he told her straight up that that was the case (wants to work on M and loves you), and she's a reasonable person, YES, there is every chance she will take him at his word and not call. BUT... is that what happened..? Did he fudge the issue..? Did he want to keep her 'as a friend'..? Did he tell her that he doesn't love you but needs to be there for the kids..? Is that what he feels..? Is it a line..? Did he not want to hurt her feelings..? Is he 'confused' about what he wants, or likes to keep his options open..? Not sure any of this is what you wanted, or even helpful.
Jinxx Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I was just wondering if you all could give me your NC stories.. I know that one day when this particular OW's name was brought up, he said; "You don't understand, she will not let up, she will call and call and call". Is this typical, or just him pushing blame on her? Is it possible or probable that he really DID try to stay away from her and she was relentless as he said to me? Also, what do you think the chances are that she just stepped away permenantly after he stated his desire to stay in the M, as he told me? I might add that this was the A that was so heated at the end...Her number was on our cell bill literally every hour on the hour for hours at a time...It seemed obsessive...Is THIS standard behavior if you can't be together as a M couple would be? I'm asking b/c I really don't know.. Well for me, NC is just that -- NC. Nothing has officially ended with MM but he knows I was having some issues with our relationship and he has pretty much ignored me the past few weeks other than working one shift with him a few days ago. I don't call him, I don't email him, I leave him alone. I might add that our affair was also very heated. Your situation -- if you believe your husband is being honest with you, then it sounds like the OW is a psycho who can't let go. What does your gut instinct tell you? If it is the matter of non-stop phone calls, then why does he not change his phone number? That would end the calls from OW if is telling the truth.
Author outofdarkness Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Well for me, NC is just that -- NC. Nothing has officially ended with MM but he knows I was having some issues with our relationship and he has pretty much ignored me the past few weeks other than working one shift with him a few days ago. I don't call him, I don't email him, I leave him alone. I might add that our affair was also very heated. Your situation -- if you believe your husband is being honest with you, then it sounds like the OW is a psycho who can't let go. What does your gut instinct tell you? If it is the matter of non-stop phone calls, then why does he not change his phone number? That would end the calls from OW if is telling the truth. Thanks for the input. The one thing he has not done that I have begged him to do..Is change his cell #...He's had it forever, and it was the # all of the OW's knew. I don't know if he just isn't willing to let go of this one thing, or maybe he feels like in some way if he totally cuts them off, they will contact me...I don't really know..
Author outofdarkness Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Well, I don't think you can apply general rules to this... I've read of MM who won't respect NC, and OW who won't. It is entirely possible that an OW will try to end things and keep getting pestered by a MM, even years after she moved on. Similarly, a MM may try to end it with an OW and she can't deal with that for whatever reason. I would go on the information you have from YOUR H, and the OW you spoke to. "Rude and crude and humiliating" and defiant... and her phone number appearing over and over on his bill..? That's her character there. On the other hand, you can't know what he's been telling her. She could be off the scale and delusional, and needy or belligerant or whatever. But if he's told her over and over about how awful you are, and how he needs a friend... there you have the reason, in part, for such behaviour, and such an attitude. Really, you have no clue what he's told her, where that behaviour is coming from. Nor that he's told her flat out that he loves you and wants to work on your relationship. So you're in the dark as far as analysing this. IF he told her straight up that that was the case (wants to work on M and loves you), and she's a reasonable person, YES, there is every chance she will take him at his word and not call. BUT... is that what happened..? Did he fudge the issue..? Did he want to keep her 'as a friend'..? Did he tell her that he doesn't love you but needs to be there for the kids..? Is that what he feels..? Is it a line..? Did he not want to hurt her feelings..? Is he 'confused' about what he wants, or likes to keep his options open..? Not sure any of this is what you wanted, or even helpful. I've thought about all of the things you mention. I do know from speaking to her once that he had lied to her repeatedly...Not only things about me, but also about the existence of other OW's...I never told her but it was clear that she thought she was the only one...I also know from being in MC w/ my H that he did portray me as being sort of a money hungry, needy and crazy b----!...It's hard to say exactly what was said between the two of them b/c he is an addict and they will say anything to get what they want, especially if the person on the giving end is willing to go to any lengths to "give"...I know he's extremely remorseful and regrets whatever he said that was derogatory about myself and our kids, but he may be just "hushing" her due to the fact that she is alittle, well...off the wall! I mean, do we usually call each other a zillion times a day in adult relationships, whether it's a M or an A? I don't think so...at least if we are out of high school!
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