Maybe cakemen have it right.

[MySugaree]

"Is it really the sex part that is the hardest part to get over?"

 

 

In a true long term love affair, sex and emotion are tightly intertwined. Affair sex, for a raft of reasons, is off the charts. Affair sex is to marital sex as Godzilla is to Bambi. But the marriage, once the Affair concludes, resembles Tokyo.

[NeverLate]

So true Sugaree!

 

The sex is amazing. But like you said it damages the real world so much. It is so hard to get over though. I miss her and the sex and all of the other things that we had. Marriage is a bitter substitute.

 

Thanks for the Godzilla analogy. I was always a big fan of that movie

 

NL

[Salicious Crumb]

Well maybe cakemen and women do have a point.

 

Seems to be alot of justifying affairs here and blaming the BS for their own infidelities.

 

So I guess that just gave me a green light to cheat on my wife. She cheated on me early on in the relationship(although I didn't find out til after we were married), she is 20lbs heavier with some god awful stretch marks...I am fit, work out every day....so why shouldn't I go out and seek to gratify myself?

 

I mean really...the cheaters on this board and the people they cheat with make it sound like no big deal.....maybe they have something here...hmmm?

[addicted2love]

SC I really would like to know...how long ago did your wife cheat on you?

You've said you have no intention of ever forgiving her and that you will wait another 16 years until the kids are grown before you D her. (I went back and read through some of your old posts to try and understand where all of your anger is coming from) Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you do that to your children? If you truly can't forgive your W and you obviously can't get over it because you say she lost her loving and adoring spouse forever then why stay? You only have one chance to live a normal, happy life...you are clearly unhappy and have stated that you only stay for your children. Don't you think they deserve a happy father? Just as you deserve to be a happy father? The way you refer to your W and her A makes it sound like you are stuck in a 16 year long prison sentence and not a M. Is that really how you want to live? Yes you took vows...yes she broke them and you didn't... I understand that you are doing the honorable thing, but aren't you sacrificing yourself in doing so? I don't know how your daily life is obviously so I don't mean to assume but I wonder if your children will suffer in the long run when they are adults and trying to maintain "healthy" relationships with their spouses. You are teaching them to stay in an unhappy marriage no matter what because they made a commitment.

 

These are honest and heart felt questions. I am not trying to make you angry I'd really like to understand. Please don't turn it back around on me...try to forget for one minute that I've been on both sides of the fence BS/OW etc. I would just like to understand how you can live with all of the hate and contempt for the mother of your children. I'm sure there is a lot more to your story that you haven't shared here. I'm just wondering why you can't forgive her. I forgave my H for his first A. The second and third...not so much. It's hard forgive but it's not impossible if really try. The only thing that isn't possible is to forget.

 

I do feel sympathy for your W as well. She made a mistake before you were married. Obviously she knew it was a mistake because she still married you. She chose you and I'd imagine the reason you didn't find out when it happend was because she wasn't proud of it, knew it was wrong and didn't want to hurt you. Now she is in the prison sentence with you. What a miserable existence for all of you. Feel free to set me straight I know I'm assuming a lot. I'm asking these questions based on the hatered I feel from your posts to me and others like me.

[pricillia]

SC I really would like to know...how long ago did your wife cheat on you?

You've said you have no intention of ever forgiving her and that you will wait another 16 years until the kids are grown before you D her. (I went back and read through some of your old posts to try and understand where all of your anger is coming from) Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you do that to your children? If you truly can't forgive your W and you obviously can't get over it because you say she lost her loving and adoring spouse forever then why stay? You only have one chance to live a normal, happy life...you are clearly unhappy and have stated that you only stay for your children. Don't you think they deserve a happy father? Just as you deserve to be a happy father? The way you refer to your W and her A makes it sound like you are stuck in a 16 year long prison sentence and not a M. Is that really how you want to live? Yes you took vows...yes she broke them and you didn't... I understand that you are doing the honorable thing, but aren't you sacrificing yourself in doing so? I don't know how your daily life is obviously so I don't mean to assume but I wonder if your children will suffer in the long run when they are adults and trying to maintain "healthy" relationships with their spouses. You are teaching them to stay in an unhappy marriage no matter what because they made a commitment.

 

These are honest and heart felt questions. I am not trying to make you angry I'd really like to understand. Please don't turn it back around on me...try to forget for one minute that I've been on both sides of the fence BS/OW etc. I would just like to understand how you can live with all of the hate and contempt for the mother of your children. I'm sure there is a lot more to your story that you haven't shared here. I'm just wondering why you can't forgive her. I forgave my H for his first A. The second and third...not so much. It's hard forgive but it's not impossible if really try. The only thing that isn't possible is to forget.

 

I do feel sympathy for your W as well. She made a mistake before you were married. Obviously she knew it was a mistake because she still married you. She chose you and I'd imagine the reason you didn't find out when it happend was because she wasn't proud of it, knew it was wrong and didn't want to hurt you. Now she is in the prison sentence with you. What a miserable existence for all of you. Feel free to set me straight I know I'm assuming a lot. I'm asking these questions based on the hatered I feel from your posts to me and others like me.

 

 

Because, ATL

 

There is a fine line between love and hate

[addicted2love]

bumping this back up to the top...for SC

[bellababygirl]

Hmm so to keep our men we all have to put on full make up and do our hair to play with our children at mcdonalds.

 

Check got it.

 

 

I will NEVER be that insecure that I would think my man would leave because I was in a ponytail with no makeup. Who would want a man that shallow.

 

Hey, I expect any man I am with to take care of himself. He should take pride in his body. If I am interested in a man it is generally initially on first sight attraction...if he had a 32 inch waist when I met him and ballons up to a 48 inch waist I am likely to be less physically attracted to him...

 

That is not shallow that is human attraction...some guys like tall versus short, blonde vs. brunette...everyone has something that attracts them. If it is something you can keep up then why not do that if it excites your mate? I dont like hairy guys...if I were to be with a guy with too much hair and he wants to be with me...better get to know where I get my legs waxed...hey, everyone has to make an effort...

[pureinheart]

Maybe affairs are the way to go.

 

My life is so boring weekdays with the kids. Same thing day in and day out. Wake up half hour before alarm. Chat with husband cuddle whatever.

 

Wake kids, make coffee, Make lunches, make breakfast, make sure kids dress, brush teeth, look presentable , have homework and get off to school at right time. Start quick load of laundry and dishwasher. Quick shower and out the door I go dropping little one off at daycare.

 

Interesting day at the office. Pick little one from daycare. Get dinner, started, get homework started, laundry in dryer. Drive sally to ccd and charlie to hockey practice. Take susan to dentist. Make dinner. eat clean up. Get kids to and from other sports. Check homework clothes for next day, showers. 8 everyone happy and watching tv or reading a book together.

 

Just want to comment on this part of the post....it's interesting how we do everything.....this was my life when the kids were little....add 60 hours + a week at the job....let's not forget the dentist and doctors appointments....oh and the yard work too....my H didn't have the time because he *needed* to go to the bars and *relax* after work...poor baby, he must have been exhausted....no wonder he had time for the A.....

[cbl]

i think it's safe to say that RG offers his opinions on how men's psychologies work and A2L knows how to make herself feel good and make men turn their head in her presence. here in my country moms take babies out in the strollers, with full makeup, her hair nicely done, and on their 3 inch high heels..... i personally think it's too much but i heard so many of my single and married male friends telling me that the girls here are so beautiful and really turn them on. and they are really in girls who takes good care of themselves.

 

i remembered a guy who i dated two years ago used to tell me this when i prepared dinner at home for him. he asked me why i took off my high heels and my nice blouse and skirts immediately after work. he said he got turned on so much with me on those outfits... my feet were so tired after walking in those stiletto heels for the whole day and i just couldn't bear one more minute in them when i came back home. ie he wanted me to be at my best every minute when i was with him.

 

re. original post

 

i just think we all need to be a little bit more selfish. and be nice to ourselves. if the guy volunteers the money, then hire a nanny and get the menicure done once a week, have the legs waxed, etc. men's and women's brains are wired differently. many of them can go out and have fun with a stranger who they just meet but a lot of women just can't.... at least i can't. but i would fight hard to get what i need in a relationship and will never settle for less. if i have to work during the day and take care of the baby, then you cook. or we eat out and you take care of the laundry and house cleaning. when i need to go out shopping, or have time with my girl friends, then i need to go.

 

oh boy... maybe that's why i am still single after all these years

[addicted2love]

I just want to clarify once again the comment I made about the mothers at McDonalds. Most people seem to be focusing on my mention of appearence. That was not the main point of what I said. My main point was that if these women don't tend to the intimate needs of thier H they stand the chance of him meeting those needs elsewhere. While I don't believe it is neccessary for a woman to put on heels and make up just to go to the grocery store it is important for a woman to feel good about herself. IMO when you look good you feel good. Feeling good about yourself is hard enough for a woman to do sometimes. But from personal experience I have found that when I take the time to take care of myself and put forth the effort to look my best I feel I am at my best. That's all I was trying to say about that.

[Salicious Crumb]

SC I really would like to know...how long ago did your wife cheat on you?

 

7 years and I just found out about it last year. And before you chime in...sorry, there is no statute of limitations on cheating.

 

You've said you have no intention of ever forgiving her and that you will wait another 16 years until the kids are grown before you D her.

 

I said, or implied, that is a likely scenario....we'll just have to see what happens over the next couple of years. All I know is, the burden of making the relationship work rests with her. Until then, I am concentrating on what is most important, my kids, myself, working on my house, and my job.

 

And even if I forgive her, I will never fully trust her again...and no..the two do not go hand in hand.

 

 

(I went back and read through some of your old posts to try and understand where all of your anger is coming from) Why would you do that to yourself?

 

Because my kids are the most important thing to me in the world and no cheater is going to keep me from being with them every day...not just every other weekend.

 

 

Why would you do that to your children?

 

My kids want me around...not just part of the time. Besides..even though she is the one that can't be trusted, the burden of bottling up resentment lies with me. And I do it well. Any frustrations I have, I don't show it at home...I take it to the gym. I think the gym needs a new punching bag with what I put it through in the last few months.

 

 

If you truly can't forgive your W and you obviously can't get over it because you say she lost her loving and adoring spouse forever then why stay? You only have one chance to live a normal, happy life...you are clearly unhappy and have stated that you only stay for your children.

 

Even if things don't get back to half way normal...at 38, I wouldn't ever marry again. And truthfully, I wouldn't even date. I have had it and don't need that sh!it any longer. What makes me happy is my kids.

 

Don't you think they deserve a happy father? Just as you deserve to be a happy father? The way you refer to your W and her A makes it sound like you are stuck in a 16 year long prison sentence and not a M.

 

I won't say you are wrong there....but like I said, we'll have to wait and see what the next couple of years hold...the burden of bending over backwards lies with her.

 

Is that really how you want to live? Yes you took vows...yes she broke them and you didn't

 

Well...she cheated before when we were engaged. I only suspect she cheated before our kids were born. Either way, why did she marry me?

I guarantee...if I had known about it, I would have called off the wedding.

 

And my experience is why I advise anyone that has cheated before they are married to come clean. Otherwise, if its found out later, it is going to be more than just two people that are hurt by the lies.

 

 

... I understand that you are doing the honorable thing, but aren't you sacrificing yourself in doing so?

 

Somewhat...not totally. But thats what a father that loves his kids does.

Sacrifices. That is in stark contrast to those who cheat...they aren't willing to sacrifice anything for their kids...its just the opposite...its all about "me me me" to them and aren't thinking of their children.

 

 

I don't know how your daily life is obviously so I don't mean to assume but I wonder if your children will suffer in the long run when they are adults and trying to maintain "healthy" relationships with their spouses. You are teaching them to stay in an unhappy marriage no matter what because they made a commitment.

 

Oh as far as day to day...my wife even thinks everything is fine and dandy and thinks our family is stonger than ever. I'm a pretty good actor.

 

 

These are honest and heart felt questions. I am not trying to make you angry I'd really like to understand. Please don't turn it back around on me...try to forget for one minute that I've been on both sides of the fence BS/OW etc. I would just like to understand how you can live with all of the hate and contempt for the mother of your children. I'm sure there is a lot more to your story that you haven't shared here. I'm just wondering why you can't forgive her. I forgave my H for his first A. The second and third...not so much. It's hard forgive but it's not impossible if really try. The only thing that isn't possible is to forget.

 

 

Like I said, I can probably forgive her, but I will never trust her again and my guard will always be up. yes, she messed up a loving husband's attitude. She had it all...and it is gone. I'm not saying we can't somehow salvage the marriage...but what we had is gone forever.

 

I do feel sympathy for your W as well. She made a mistake before you were married. Obviously she knew it was a mistake because she still married you.

 

Cheating is not a mistake. Its a conscious decision to gratify yourself regardless of the feelings the cheater claims to love.

 

 

She chose you and I'd imagine the reason you didn't find out when it happend was because she wasn't proud of it, knew it was wrong and didn't want to hurt you. Now she is in the prison sentence with you. What a miserable existence for all of you. Feel free to set me straight I know I'm assuming a lot. I'm asking these questions based on the hatered I feel from your posts to me and others like me.

 

No, I think you hit the nail on the head. And if cheaters don't serve some sort of prison sentence, then they will realize there is no consequences to their actions and will continue what they are doing.

 

Its not all that bad....she just isn't allowed to go out to clubs and bars with those hussies she calls friends any longer. If acting like a single woman and going out doing those things that I dissaprove of is more important to her than her family...then she WILL lose her family.

[Impudent Oyster]

I'm so sorry that you feel you have to remain with a woman you don't love so you can be with your children!

 

Have you spoken to a good matrimonial attorney? Have you ruled out the possibility that you could get custody of your children, especially since she cheated?

 

If I were you, I'd look into that. There's no reason for you to remain in a loveless marriage. More and more fathers are being granted custody every day, you could be one of them.

[Virgo1982]

I'm sorry but I don't agree with you. I am an attractive woman who was never to tired to initiate sex with my husband, now ex husband. I take great pains with my appearance and my home and still he had an affair just because he could. The flaw was within himself. I was also just reading the Shark posting. I've found great support here at the ow/om board, even though to ask their advice in the beginning was painful, I wanted to know what it was like from their standpoint. I never once, bashed or snarked in comments. Most OW are decent, I came to that conclusion, unfortunately, the one in my case wasn't. The hurt and pain I felt at my exhusband's hands is nothing to be played down, and even after their A, I tried to work it out with my H and in our M. If I can come to the OW/OM boards and be decent then what is the problem? Not trying to be a "shark" here or anything but if you can't handle honest opinions, then why come here at all?

 

 

 

I agree. I think it's pretty silly to get so angry because people have different opinions/experiences.

 

These situations have similar themes, but different circumstances. People cheat for all sorts of reasons. I can see both sides. How can you be angry if your husband keeps asking you for something reasonable and you keep denying him? How can your husband not end the marriage and then go out and get what he wants? Ask yourself how many people are willing to do that. Not many. It's very unlikely when he can have his cake and eat it too. Not saying it's okay, but realistic.

 

It's really very simple...There are some things/something the MM/MW doesn't want to leave behind or give up. So, they cheat.

 

A2L used her example to explain one of those reasons. Nobody knows the women to know exactly what the situation is.

 

NF name makes it clear that she believes infidelity is wrong. We all know that it is.

 

So what's the big deal?

[addicted2love]

SC...Thank you so much for responding openly and honestly to my questions. I wasn't sure that you would but I'm glad you did. I still feel for you though. From your posts you seem like a very smart man with a ton of self worth and dedication to your family. You deserve personal happiness and love from someone who is completely dedicated to you.

 

Understand that my questions to you were posed from the state of mind of a BS. I know you have complete hate for my OW title and I understand why. It is a very conflicting possition I've allowed myself to be in. I've become what I HATED and I kick my own a$$ for it daily.

 

In all honesty if my H had remained faithful I would have NEVER had the nerve to start and EA myself. I also understand about the WS needing to be the one to make strides in rebuilding the marriage. But in all honesty it takes two. If you love her then you need to really and truly forgive her.

I know it is difficult and yes the trust will never be there 100%. I forgave my H the first time...the second and third time...nope..sorry...my give a damn's busted.

 

My H's first A was also 7 years ago. For the last 7 years I've put nothing toward rebuilding the marriage. (after his 2nd and 3rd A) I turned all of the focus and attention I used to give him around and started taking care of me (and my child of course) instead. I put that man on a pedestal for years and treated him with more love, honor and affection then he deserved but once he strayed...I kicked that thing right out from under him.

 

I don't completely trust him but these days he's always where he says he's going to be and that's about all I can ask for. He still ignores me but I no longer care. Maybe that's why it wasn't all that difficult for me to fall for the "I still love you" bullsh*t with my exBF. I felt I deserved some happiness. Still doesn't make it right I know...you don't have to say it.

 

I also understand the consequense aspect of what you're saying. I feel like there has been no consequense for my H's A's. I get all the hurt and he still gets to stay married to a very wonderful woman, he gets to keep his house and his life intact. I too have done a very good acting job...infact I think I should have been nominated for an Oscar by now.

From the outside we appear to be a happily married couple and truthfully we are great team when it comes to raising our child but that's about it.

 

Again I'm glad you responded. I too stay for my child and I do not have the heart to take her away from an everyday life with her father as well as I couldn't bare to be without her on a daily basis myself.

 

But what about happiness. True, parenthood is the ultimate happiness but I can't help but feel and have always felt a big void where it comes to my own personal happiness. I try to fill it by staying busy..working on my business and spending time with friends and family..but it's still there. How about you? Do you feel a personal void where happiness is concerned?

[Blue Phoenix]

--"you promised to put this man before all others yet you turn him down when he comes to you for love, affection and sex. He is the reason you are so tired...you wanted to be a stay at home mom...he made you one...you signed up for this. Now you reject him because you're too tired?"-- --"put this man before all others"-- Even your kids? I personaly think thats a lame excuse made by people who pray on broken relashionships and desprate people. You ever stop to think maybe some of these women dident wanna be a stay at home mom it just happned to them. Not every women sighned up for it as you said but they deal the best they can with it. And yes that may mean busting there @ss 24-7 to keep the house in line and feed the kids and so on and so on. You ever think that maybe they to would like to have there old sex life back just like it was before? But things some times change when you have new responsibilitys what is more likely is the H still wanting the bubbley bouncey sex driven women he had on his honey moon. And when shes to tired takeing care of life to jump in the sack every time it hits his fancy he runs off and messes around behind her back im sorry the poor sex starved H excuse just dosent work for me..

[addicted2love]

--"you promised to put this man before all others yet you turn him down when he comes to you for love, affection and sex. He is the reason you are so tired...you wanted to be a stay at home mom...he made you one...you signed up for this. Now you reject him because you're too tired?"-- --"put this man before all others"-- Even your kids? I personaly think thats a lame excuse made by people who pray on broken relashionships and desprate people. You ever stop to think maybe some of these women dident wanna be a stay at home mom it just happned to them. Not every women sighned up for it as you said but they deal the best they can with it. And yes that may mean busting there @ss 24-7 to keep the house in line and feed the kids and so on and so on. You ever think that maybe they to would like to have there old sex life back just like it was before? But things some times change when you have new responsibilitys what is more likely is the H still wanting the bubbley bouncey sex driven women he had on his honey moon. And when shes to tired takeing care of life to jump in the sack every time it hits his fancy he runs off and messes around behind her back im sorry the poor sex starved H excuse just dosent work for me..

 

There are probably some preditory women out there that do seek out a MM however I personally think they are few and far between. This is only one example of how some A's start. It isn't a genral statement regarding all A's. When my H had his A's I didn't blame the OW. She was lied to. My H told her he was just waiting for me to file the D papers. No such papers existed and D was never mentioned. My H did what he did because he was lacking within himself. I was wrapped up in new mother hood and frazzled...not paying him the attention he apperently needed from me. Not an excuse and doesn't make it right but it happens. It is a reality. While I agree that children come first and should...I don't think that the H should be a low priority...after laundry, housework, and yes even sleep. That is my opinion.

[noforgiveness]

Hey, I expect any man I am with to take care of himself. He should take pride in his body. If I am interested in a man it is generally initially on first sight attraction...if he had a 32 inch waist when I met him and ballons up to a 48 inch waist I am likely to be less physically attracted to him...

 

That is not shallow that is human attraction...some guys like tall versus short, blonde vs. brunette...everyone has something that attracts them. If it is something you can keep up then why not do that if it excites your mate? I dont like hairy guys...if I were to be with a guy with too much hair and he wants to be with me...better get to know where I get my legs waxed...hey, everyone has to make an effort...

 

Bella she was not talking about weight. I agree I would never be with someone who did not respect their own body by keeping healthy. I am an extremely active and health concious person and expect my spouse to be also.

 

She was talking about thin women playing with little kids with no make up and hair not done.

 

Who needs to put make up on to play with a kid. When i am with my kids you can bet I will have running shoes on, hair in a ponytail and minimal makeup. It's called being appropriate for the occasion.

 

When going out with my husband I will look hot. I always love the women who come to the gym in full makeup with hair done. ahem ok let's see you work up a sweat.

[addicted2love]

Bella she was not talking about weight. I agree I would never be with someone who did not respect their own body by keeping healthy. I am an extremely active and health concious person and expect my spouse to be also.

 

She was talking about thin women playing with little kids with no make up and hair not done.

 

Who needs to put make up on to play with a kid. When i am with my kids you can bet I will have running shoes on, hair in a ponytail and minimal makeup. It's called being appropriate for the occasion.

 

When going out with my husband I will look hot. I always love the women who come to the gym in full makeup with hair done. ahem ok let's see you work up a sweat.

 

I wonder why you are so stuck on the "make up and hair" sentence in what I said. You haven't really responded to the rest of what I've been saying....rejecting your spouse repeatedly...making him a low priority etc.

I truly feel like you are focused on that one sentence and either completely ignore or don't understand the true meaning of what I was trying to say.

[noforgiveness]

I wonder why you are so stuck on the "make up and hair" sentence in what I said. You haven't really responded to the rest of what I've been saying....rejecting your spouse repeatedly...making him a low priority etc.

I truly feel like you are focused on that one sentence and either completely ignore or don't understand the true meaning of what I was trying to say.

Because what you are saying is utter nonsense and nothing but an excuse for poor behavior. You actually think because a woman is tired after chasing little kids all day it is ok for her husband to stray? That is pathetic.

When my little one was an infant I lived in sweats till we were walking out the door. The kid barfed all day everyday on everything I wore. I am just shocked that you have such a low self esteem that you feel moms have to be gorgeous sexual creatures all the time to keep their husbands happy. That also does not say much for the men you seek out.

[addicted2love]

Because what you are saying is utter nonsense and nothing but an excuse for poor behavior. You actually think because a woman is tired after chasing little kids all day it is ok for her husband to stray? That is pathetic.

When my little one was an infant I lived in sweats till we were walking out the door. The kid barfed all day everyday on everything I wore. I am just shocked that you have such a low self esteem that you feel moms have to be gorgeous sexual creatures all the time to keep their husbands happy. That also does not say much for the men you seek out.

 

for the love of God!! you are putting words in my mouth and ignoring the point. I never said it's an excuse for poor behavior. I never said mom's need to be gorgeous sexual creatures just to make H happy. I said they need to stop rejecting the H and put more effort into the intimacy of the M before it's too late. Some men admittedly stray when they are rejected repeatedly. You don't need to be shocked about my self esteem because you are dead wrong...I have plenty of it. Because I choose not to leave my house looking like I just rolled out of bed does not mean that I am insecure. It means I take pride in my appearence. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[Sup]

SC, It almost sounds like that you're playing your wife on, I mean she thinks all is good, but, in a few years when she may be more overweight, and you're still slim, and the children are grown, 18+, then you're Divorce your wife, and really hurt her badly, is that what you are going for, aform of revenge. I hope not, and I'm NOT trying to give you any Ideas, but I would get out, before you really become bitter. I'm sorry for you really, but you're already sounding bitter, not that I wouldn't be either if I were you. I wouldn't want you to have to carry that bitterness to long, because that WILL destroy you on top of what the affair has done. I would do what IO has suggested, at least then YOU can move on.

[Sup]

SC...Thank you so much for responding openly and honestly to my questions. I wasn't sure that you would but I'm glad you did. I still feel for you though. From your posts you seem like a very smart man with a ton of self worth and dedication to your family. You deserve personal happiness and love from someone who is completely dedicated to you.

 

Understand that my questions to you were posed from the state of mind of a BS. I know you have complete hate for my OW title and I understand why. It is a very conflicting possition I've allowed myself to be in. I've become what I HATED and I kick my own a$$ for it daily.

 

In all honesty if my H had remained faithful I would have NEVER had the nerve to start and EA myself. I also understand about the WS needing to be the one to make strides in rebuilding the marriage. But in all honesty it takes two. If you love her then you need to really and truly forgive her.

I know it is difficult and yes the trust will never be there 100%. I forgave my H the first time...the second and third time...nope..sorry...my give a damn's busted.

 

My H's first A was also 7 years ago. For the last 7 years I've put nothing toward rebuilding the marriage. (after his 2nd and 3rd A) I turned all of the focus and attention I used to give him around and started taking care of me (and my child of course) instead. I put that man on a pedestal for years and treated him with more love, honor and affection then he deserved but once he strayed...I kicked that thing right out from under him.

 

I don't completely trust him but these days he's always where he says he's going to be and that's about all I can ask for. He still ignores me but I no longer care. Maybe that's why it wasn't all that difficult for me to fall for the "I still love you" bullsh*t with my exBF. I felt I deserved some happiness. Still doesn't make it right I know...you don't have to say it.

 

I also understand the consequense aspect of what you're saying. I feel like there has been no consequense for my H's A's. I get all the hurt and he still gets to stay married to a very wonderful woman, he gets to keep his house and his life intact. I too have done a very good acting job...infact I think I should have been nominated for an Oscar by now.

From the outside we appear to be a happily married couple and truthfully we are great team when it comes to raising our child but that's about it.

 

Again I'm glad you responded. I too stay for my child and I do not have the heart to take her away from an everyday life with her father as well as I couldn't bare to be without her on a daily basis myself.

 

But what about happiness. True, parenthood is the ultimate happiness but I can't help but feel and have always felt a big void where it comes to my own personal happiness. I try to fill it by staying busy..working on my business and spending time with friends and family..but it's still there. How about you? Do you feel a personal void where happiness is concerned?

 

 

What happens when your husband finds out what you have been doing while he has been doing the things he should have done before, he shouldn't have cheated ever of course. But the fact, assuming he's not cheating now, don't you think he'll be calling you a hypocrite (his words, not mine). You WILL slip up sooner or later.

[cbl]

I just want to clarify once again the comment I made about the mothers at McDonalds. Most people seem to be focusing on my mention of appearence. That was not the main point of what I said. My main point was that if these women don't tend to the intimate needs of thier H they stand the chance of him meeting those needs elsewhere. While I don't believe it is neccessary for a woman to put on heels and make up just to go to the grocery store it is important for a woman to feel good about herself. IMO when you look good you feel good. Feeling good about yourself is hard enough for a woman to do sometimes. But from personal experience I have found that when I take the time to take care of myself and put forth the effort to look my best I feel I am at my best. That's all I was trying to say about that.

 

A2L, I hear you. We are not saying anything different. some men would like to have their women always dress up for them, and some women choose to always meet their needs while some don't due to time and energy constraints. some men would prefer their women to always be in intellectual discussions with them; some prefer sophisticately domestic women while some prefer professionally achieved women. you are right. it's all about meeting needs.

 

sadly, as much as i hate it and i would probably jump up to the roof, if a former/current BW says her (x)H was only with the (x)OW for sex for many years... it somehow hits some people hard, when it is mentioned by an (x)OW that MM strays and one of the "many" reasons is the appearances.

 

i took it hard because that was exactly what my xMM's wife said. and oh, she did not even say "he used you for sex". she said "if there's a woman who can offer my H sex, there's nothing i can say".

 

maybe it's not about you, you know?

[pricillia]

A2L, I hear you. We are not saying anything different. some men would like to have their women always dress up for them, and some women choose to always meet their needs while some don't due to time and energy constraints. some men would prefer their women to always be in intellectual discussions with them; some prefer sophisticately domestic women while some prefer professionally achieved women. you are right. it's all about meeting needs.

 

sadly, as much as i hate it and i would probably jump up to the roof, if a former/current BW says her (x)H was only with the (x)OW for sex for many years... it somehow hits some people hard, when it is mentioned by an (x)OW that MM strays and one of the "many" reasons is the appearances.

 

i took it hard because that was exactly what my xMM's wife said. and oh, she did not even say "he used you for sex". she said "if there's a woman who can offer my H sex, there's nothing i can say".

 

maybe it's not about you, you know?

 

 

 

ugh... it is all about men, what about a woman's needs and desires...

 

don't get me wrong I love men... can't a woman just be herself

[cbl]

ugh... it is all about men, what about a woman's needs and desires...

 

don't get me wrong I love men... can't a woman just be herself

 

it goes both ways.... if a couple get married without both of their needs being fulfilled, common goals reached, and both feeling loved, i don't see the reason why they get married.

 

however as time goes by, things get old and routine and people change. that's when we all need to make adjustment to catch up.

 

we are all women. that's why we talk about meeting men's needs, at the same time meeting our own needs. i dress to make myself feel good, and make my man enjoy. i enjoy male companionship when we have great conversations. and i dump man when i don't feel appreciated.

 

believe it or not... men talk about meeting women's needs too (example xxxxx enlargement ) we just don't hear it here.