bab Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I tend to believe that my value to others is directly linked to my accomplishments, for the time being those are mostly career related. On the other hand, I don't link the value of my friends and family to their accomplishments, just because of who they are as people. There are some people that I love dearly that have screwed their lives up royally, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. What do you guys think, what gives a person value in your eyes?
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 What do you guys think, what gives a person value in your eyes? In my opinion, If you are alive or have lived... you are of Value.
blind_otter Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 In my opinion, If you are alive or have lived... you are of Value. That is a beautiful statement, lRB. And it's true. I'm just getting into the section in my book "Feeling Good" about what you place value on in terms of self-worth and how that can lead to depression. lRB has healthy self-esteem, I see. I have an unhealthy need for approval, love, achievement, and perfectionism. But I am highly self critical. I don't place these demands on anyone but myself. With others, I accept them for who they are.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 That is a beautiful statement, lRB. And it's true. I'm just getting into the section in my book "Feeling Good" about what you place value on in terms of self-worth and how that can lead to depression. lRB has healthy self-esteem, I see. I have an unhealthy need for approval, love, achievement, and perfectionism. But I am highly self critical. I don't place these demands on anyone but myself. With others, I accept them for who they are. ok... my statement applies to everyone BUT myself. I wish i had a healthy self esteem.... i act like it and i hope by acting like i do most of the time it will just become natural, but i struggle with being good to myself
blind_otter Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Sort of like, "fake it 'til you make it"? I do admire a lot of what you have to say. I wish I were able to act as confident as you do.
quankanne Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 mostly see myself in terms of how I relate to others. Which I think is a direct influence of my mom, who was very big on being proper and ladylike and kind and helpful and intrinsically good. LOL, I missed the ladylike and proper parts by a mile, but I do strive to be the others, and that's what I look for in people, regardless of what they do or who they are. In a way, that also kind of makes it easier for me to separate the BS from the real when dealing with people.
Author bab Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 That is a beautiful statement, lRB. And it's true. I'm just getting into the section in my book "Feeling Good" about what you place value on in terms of self-worth and how that can lead to depression. lRB has healthy self-esteem, I see. I have an unhealthy need for approval, love, achievement, and perfectionism. But I am highly self critical. I don't place these demands on anyone but myself. With others, I accept them for who they are. This seems exactly where I am. Maybe I'll get that book. Sounds interesting.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Sort of like, "fake it 'til you make it"? I do admire a lot of what you have to say. I wish I were able to act as confident as you do. awe.. thanks B_O! honestly i feel the same way about you.... we are very much alike, yet different enough to learn new things, although it is almost like i know already.... maybe we were friends in a past life too?
blind_otter Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 .... maybe we were friends in a past life too? I think so.
Curmudgeon Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Good question. Caring, compassion, intelligence, passion, connection, engagement and above all, lifetime membership in good standing in the human race.
monkey00 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 What kind of value? intrinsicial or instrumental? Like you, networking or career related, these people offer me an instrumental value as much as I do they. But generally speaking, its someone with aspirations and has passion for what they do without a doubt in their mind...it doesnt matter if its sports, hobbies, work, or just bettering themselves. It doesnt matter if they failed many times before they succeeded, any passion is better than none. Oh and especially people that dont only talk the talk, but can walk the walk.
Author bab Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 What kind of value? intrinsicial or instrumental? Like you, networking or career related, these people offer me an instrumental value as much as I do they. But generally speaking, its someone with aspirations and has passion for what they do without a doubt in their mind...it doesnt matter if its sports, hobbies, work, or just bettering themselves. It doesnt matter if they failed many times before they succeeded, any passion is better than none. Oh and especially people that dont only talk the talk, but can walk the walk. I guess what I mean is thinking about the people that you love or are good friends with, what is it that draws you to them. I don't mean just romantic type relationships, something more general. I guess it's open to your interpretation. This question comes from the fact that I tend to value my accomplishments in myself and assume that that is why others like me. This has led to some serious self-esteem issues. The process of thinking about "why" I like other poeple has been an integral part of getting over these issues. It's been an interesting journey.
blind_otter Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Bab, I understand where you're coming from. I've noticed this in myself as well, and wondered about my self-esteem because I believe my worth is defined by what I do and what I achieve, rather than in who I am. I think it could have something to do with what your parents wanted from you growing up. Mine demanded academic achievement. I delivered. I learned through those interactions to associate my self-worth with what I did and thus, I tied approval in to my self-esteem. Just some thoughts on your topic. It is interesting and has sparked some processing for me. Thanks.
Pyro Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I tend to believe that my value to others is directly linked to my accomplishments, for the time being those are mostly career related. On the other hand, I don't link the value of my friends and family to their accomplishments, just because of who they are as people. There are some people that I love dearly that have screwed their lives up royally, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. What do you guys think, what gives a person value in your eyes? Wow, very good question. It depends on alot for me. The way they live, the decisions that they have made, the way that they treat others, the question of do they give as much as they have received in life.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Bab, I understand where you're coming from. I've noticed this in myself as well, and wondered about my self-esteem because I believe my worth is defined by what I do and what I achieve, rather than in who I am. I think it could have something to do with what your parents wanted from you growing up. Mine demanded academic achievement. I delivered. I learned through those interactions to associate my self-worth with what I did and thus, I tied approval in to my self-esteem. Just some thoughts on your topic. It is interesting and has sparked some processing for me. Thanks. do i even need to say Ditto B_O's post for me? the thing is.... i did all that, but i never felt it did any good anyways, i made 99% in my AP classes on report cards, or 100's.... but i do not remember the 100% for the quarter, because i am still fixated on what a loser i was for only getting a 99%. i can look back now and think, hmm.. a 99% in an AP math, science or history class.... That is freekin' awesome! especially because of all the crap i was dealing with too, like depression, an eating disorder...... i do not think i will ever value myself like i should, i still don't. but i am getting better at it. in the past year i have stood up for myself in a lot of ways, but i am not totally great. i like to think i will get close though.
Woggle Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I just want to be respected. I don't even care about being liked but I want to be respected because I am real. I don't put on a front and I want people to know that what they see is what they get. I won't be seen as an intelligent and capable person. As far as others go I value people who are honest and real about what they are. Sincerity is what I respect the most and the people I have the most regard for are those who lay all their cards on the table. I can't stand fake people and backstabbers. If I feel like I can trust somebody fully they will be somebody I let into my circle.
Krytellan Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 What do you guys think, what gives a person value in your eyes? This topic fascinates me on a psychological level and has had me thinking about it for a while. First and foremost, I think that anyone that is having difficulty with esteem issues should watch this thread, as I think you'll find that the things that you hold against yourself and that you feel might make you a "loser" are things that others may not even know or acknowledge as part of your character. To pigeon-hole the topic, I have struggled with the issue that my girlfriend makes significanty more money than me. New to me, and makes me only sometimes question my value to the relationship. When I think of what I value in her, the list is long, and money does not even appear on the list. Is that because I'm sensitive of the issue or would I think differently if I was the one making more? Who knows... However, I value the character things that she exhibits waaaay more. Now given that she has a strong character, I could probably assume (perhaps) that she feels the same way about me and that money is nowhere on the list. So with this in mind, it wouls seem logical that I would benefit from believing that there is no money issue in my girlfriend's mind so that leaves just me measuring my worth and value on a quality that no one else even thinks or cares about. So then, what's the issue? Accoring to that logic I have absolutely nothingto concern myself with, and therefore have no reason to have any negative esteem on the issue. Does that make e feel better about the whole thing? Yep I think if taken seriously, this thread can help a lot of people out with things they have been unduly worrying about.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Hmmm. I don't care what you do for a living or where you live. I like open. friendly people who seem to be happy and having a good time in whatever they are doing. I love laughter, it has been such an important part of my recent general happiness. I finally learned to laugh and not be so darn serious. I like a certain playfulness in a person, someone who can laugh at themselves, but doesn't constantly put themselves down. Being generally nice to others is important to me. I've never liked people who pick on someone seriously. I like people who value their family. I think that is because I want to be that kind of person. I have lived apart from mine so long that I barely know them anymore. I wish I was the kind of person who went home for holidays and actually looked forward to it. I don't even go. I could probably add more, but I'm really intrigued by a TV show and have had this window open long enough.
monkey00 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I guess what I mean is thinking about the people that you love or are good friends with, what is it that draws you to them. I don't mean just romantic type relationships, something more general. I guess it's open to your interpretation. Well the reason I'm friends with my friends is a whole other reason. Being able to have the foundation for understanding (knowing where each other is coming from, having common interests/hobbies, and probably even sharing a similar mindset[morals/beliefs]) This question comes from the fact that I tend to value my accomplishments in myself and assume that that is why others like me. This has led to some serious self-esteem issues. The process of thinking about "why" I like other poeple has been an integral part of getting over these issues. It's been an interesting journey. I think its normal for a any person to value their own accomplishments, afterall we do value things we tend to work for VS. things that come to us on a silver platter. It's safe and normal to assume that is a reason why others like you. There are people who like to be associated with others with success (or at least the latter), with goals and ambitions. If you look into your close circle of friends, you should notice like-minds. And if someone wants to be associated with you merely because you present instrumental value, then that person is obviously a user/leecher. However its all subjective and being normal in society it depends if you use them back, or if you dont mind being used.
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