Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Last night was my son’s third birthday. We took him to Friendly’s with my 7 year old and my mother and sister joined us there. We had a good time and got home just after 7. We were watching T.V. with the kids before the bedtime routine got underway, and I was feeling a bit horny, so I was all over my wife whispering in her ear telling her I wanted her and couldn’t wait to make love. (It was discrete and the kids had no idea). She kind of pushed me away and said it was "too intense". I was a little hurt at the push off, but she does this frequently and I took it to mean she just wasn’t interested. She has constant aches, pains, headaches, etc. I have posted before about this so if you want to look it up go ahead. A little while later it was bedtime for the youngest and since it was my turn I took care of it, but while lying down with him I fell asleep too which usually happens. (I can fall asleep anywhere any time). My wife woke me up around 9 to come watch House and I did but I was feeling very tired and I told her this. I got up to get a snack and realized there was no milk for the morning and I voulenteerd to go get it later on. We watched House, but about 10 minutes before it ended, I got up to remote start the car so I could go get the milk. Since I was up I decided to go into the computer room play a new game I just got Monday that I had been itching to try out. Now the day I brought the game home she got nasty and said, "You spent $30.00 on a game." I never by anything for myself, we just got our tax check back which was pretty decent, I work over time when I can, and I started an internet business that is finally starting to make money. She stays home because she is always "sick" and takes care of our youngest who just started pre-school. The house is never cleaned adequately and she takes regular naps in the afternoon. I got nasty back and said, "You have zero right to complain. You buy whatever you want whenever you want and I don’t say ****". She stomped away. About 20 minutes after I started the game (yes I forgot about the car, but it turns off automatically) she comes stands in the door way of the computer room and shouts "You gotta be ****in’ kidding me", which made me jump because she just appeared there and my back is to the door. "I reflexively shouted back. "WHAT" and she said, "What happened to I want you and I can’t wait to make love to you?" "I didn’t know you were waiting for me." She was all pissed off and said some other nasty ****, slammed the phone down on the cradle and said, "I’m going to bed". Feeling guilty, I shut the game and went to get the milk. When I got back I went up to bed and told her I was sorry if I hurt her feelings, that I didn’t know she was waiting for me, and that I told her I was tired after I got up and I though she understood. She said she got mad because I got up and left her there without saying anything and it made her feel small. We went to sleep but I couldn’t fall asleep and I went back down stairs (with her blessing) and played my game until 3 A.M. when she came down and yelled at me "Do you know it’s a quarter to three! You have work tomorrow!" and stormed up stairs. I told here I didn’t realize how late it was (and I didn’t!) and went to sleep. This morning she was cold and I got a tight lipped kiss before I went to work. My question is. Is my wife a controlling nut? Did I do anything really wrong? What do you people think?
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Was she PMSING?? Ok, seriously...I think you two have to learn to communicate and "understand" eachother while listening. It's obvious there's you're both interpretting what the other person says and putting a different spin on it. She is abit controlling, especially in the sense of buying a video game for yourself. And, telling you to come to bed - That to me, sounded like scolding you like a child. That would piss me off if I were in your shoes. and I was feeling a bit horny, so I was all over my wife whispering in her ear telling her I wanted her and couldn’t wait to make love. (It was discrete and the kids had no idea). She kind of pushed me away and said it was "too intense". I was a little hurt at the push off, but she does this frequently and I took it to mean she just wasn’t interested I can see both sides of this - You being kinky and whispering in her ear about later on (Oh I have to say that's hot, wish my hubby would say stuff to me like that!) and gettin excited for later. She thought it was too intense (probably meaning she was in mommy mode, not sexual mode and it threw her off abit) but she could have handled it differently by shushing you with a kiss and said something like "LATER...." and then you'd know...You assumed, and so did she. Neither of you really talked about it, she got mad cuz she thought you wanted it, and you got mad cuz she acted like she didn't want it. It seems to me she's looking for a fight. So, it's time to sit and talk about it, be as honest (yet loving) as you can about how you feel, and how she makes you feel when she does X, Y or Z. And, ask her how SHE feels about it too. Put yourself in her shoes and ask her to put herself in your shoes. Replay lastnight and maybe both of you could see where the miscommunication came into play - And, how easy it is to fix!
blind_otter Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Seems like a lot of miscommunication and assumptions occured, on the part of both parties. I wouldn't say she was controlling, but there must be something else on her mind to make her so reactive. Or as WWIU said, maybe she was PMS-ing. I push my SO off me when he gets horney around his kid. I get uncomfortable expressing that kind of stuff when kids are around. My own personal association with sexuality and children, I suppose. But for me, it's a "time and place" thing - there is an appropriate time and place for everything. I can see both sides of the situation too. She thought you wanted her, then you went and played the game, thinking she knew that you were tired. Sometimes you have to spell things out for people, though. It may seem redundant and stupid to you, but it can clear up a whole lot of arguments.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Your wife is too authoritarian with you. She's going to end up casting herself in the role of 'Mommy'. She might BE a 'mommy', but she's NOT your 'mommy', right? Meanwhile, YOU are reading too much into her motives. In that way, you end up misreading her because you're essentially guessing and then ACTING on your conclusions. You two need to communicate better that's for sure. And you could certainly do with making some daily changes in the way you treat one another. First off, I believe you'd do well to have a look at the "lovebusters" section over at marriagebuilders and see if you can set up some groundrules on your communications process. You need to speak to each other considerately, like you would speak to a friend you were particularly fond of. This holds true particularly for your wife, who is NOT considerate in her speech at all given the example you've just cited. When a couple commits to prioritizing their spouses needs at the same level at which they prioritize their own, it's easy to see that we all have the same need in terms of being heard and understood by our partner. This concept, in tandem with a considerate approach, has literally saved my marriage. It's a happy place to be too. You might also try "Listen, Rephrase, and Repeat" in order to clarify your communications. It's weird, but language is a tricky thing. And even when we're pretty sure that we understand somebody, you'd be surprised at how many misunderstandings you can uncover when you're using THAT little tool. (!!!!)
dropdeadlegs Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Usually upsets are about something different altogether. Maybe there is unresolved anger or resentment about one thing, but we allow it to be expressed about something else. I'm thinking there are bigger issues and they are coming out as little things because communication is not what it should be. As for the game, I see your side of the issue, but I don't know anything about your financial status or her spending habits. As for the sex, I like the anticipation that whispers and such bring and I can see why you would have assumed it was not gonna happen. Yes, Mommy mode like WWIU mentioned, probably came into play, but based solely on that response you got, it was not subsequently stated by your wife that she was interested. Communication was not at its best. Your children sound young and that is the hardest time in a relationship in my opinion. I know that when mine were young I didn't work, didn't keep the house up like I should have, and often took naps. I know I could have done better and felt bad about myself that I wasn't. I was moderately depressed. Could your wife be a bit depressed? Part of it was being tired all the time, and another part was feeling that I wasn't financially contributing. My husband also worked quite a bit of overtime which was nice financially, but being a SAHM was frustrating when I had little ones. It sounds so easy, but it has some pitfalls, too. Now that my kids are all in school full time it is much easier to keep up the house, still have adult conversations from time to time, and do the shopping, bill paying, and everything else without constant interruptions. Things will probably get better with time, but it's hard for both of you right now. If you both can have a good discussion about things in general without too much emotion it would be good. That is easier said than done, I know. Best wishes in achieving some conflict resolution.
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 She is abit controlling, especially in the sense of buying a video game for yourself. And, telling you to come to bed - That to me, sounded like scolding you like a child. That would piss me off if I were in your shoes. Yes it did piss me off, but I felt bad that I let her down so I let it go to my credit I get uncomfortable expressing that kind of stuff when kids are around. My own personal association with sexuality and children, I suppose. But for me, it's a "time and place" thing - there is an appropriate time and place for everything. Yes. She has actually said these exact words to me many times, but I know she loves when I do it, although, I don't do it as frequently now. Thanks for your replies
Krytellan Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I remember many sleepless nights like this with my ex. I can relate. There are definitely a few things at play here. I'm going to assume that there has been a bit of an intimacy issue building up to this right? As in she hasn't want to have sex with you very often? Get back to me on that. Women never like to compete with video games for attention, sex or no sex. It is very possible that even though she made the statement that implied that she thought you wanted her so bad, she would have otherwise had no intention of doing anything with you, but it was convenient to use in a hurtful way to make you feel bad about the video game. I just get the sense there is a power struggle here, and that she is generally unhappy. The way you describe your wife rather reminds of the way my ex acted for a while. I tried to get to the bottom of it but she was steadfast in blaming me for being... well, it's a long list. You guys need to talk... about lots of stuff. She seems to have some sort of pent up resentment, and you are obviously feeling like you're on eggshells. This will fester as long as you let it.
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Wow. Thank you all for your extremely insightful replies. I think you have all just about nailed it on the head, especially DDL, that sounds EXACTLY like some of the things she has told me, and everything you have said really resonated very much. A lot of it IS the kids and we have talked about it. We are planning a move to North Carolina by the end of the school year, and that isn't helping, but we are going there the end of the month WITHOUT the kids and are really looking forward to it. It promises to be very much like a second honeymoon. Sometimes it such a pain in the a** to have to "discuss" everything all the time, though but we usually do.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 For now, get a babysitter one night over the weekend, go OUT and have FUN! Whether it be a movie (you two can makeout abit there!) or shoot some pool. Just keep the night light humoured and FUN. Laugh and be silly. I'm sure doing this will help relieve the stress level in both of you!
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 I'm going to assume that there has been a bit of an intimacy issue building up to this right? As in she hasn't want to have sex with you very often? Get back to me on that. Yes there is that element too, but it has been me that has not wanted sex oddly enough. This has only been in the last week or so though, and it was the ONLY time I have ever not wanted it since we have been married. So I'm sure that was a factor, and I know it is also part of the "compete factor" too. Sometimes it seems like I'm only "allowed" on the computer if I'm WORKING on the business, and it pisses me off.
Lennox Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Does she think you have a problem with video game addiction? I ask this because it seems that perhaps that might be at the root of her "controlling" behavior and your resenting being "allowed" on the computer if you're working on the business. I'm a gamer too, and I've heard stories about guys online and their wives getting upset with them with the amount of time and energy spent playing games.
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Does she think you have a problem with video game addiction? I ask this because it seems that perhaps that might be at the root of her "controlling" behavior and your resenting being "allowed" on the computer if you're working on the business. I'm a gamer too, and I've heard stories about guys online and their wives getting upset with them with the amount of time and energy spent playing games. A fair question, but no. I do sometimes get wrapped up in my games, but not to the extent that I forget everything else. It is very much a harmless diversion that once, every couple of months or so, I indulge. I actually spoke to my wife today while I was on lunch about last night and what came out was that mostly she is resentful because she feels she doesn't get a break from the kids. She gets tired of being with the youngest, who gives us a really hard time going to sleep lately and is up sometimes until 9:30 calling for her or otherwise refusing to sleep. Not only is that stressful for her but myself as well.
alphamale Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 My question is. Is my wife a controlling nut? Did I do anything really wrong? What do you people think? you are "nice guy" and you're getting what you deserve...
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 you are "nice guy" and you're getting what you deserve... Alpha, I have to agree, a case could defintely be made supporting that view. I would really like to hear your point of view on the situation. Could you elaborate?
alphamale Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Alpha, I have to agree, a case could defintely be made supporting that view. I would really like to hear your point of view on the situation. Could you elaborate? what is there to elaborate on? she has you by the balls and she knows it and you know it. you have given away all your power and she is totally in control. she knows she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. instead of YOU being the boss, SHE is the boss. the woman should never be the boss... and you are finding out why.
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 what is there to elaborate on? she has you by the balls and she knows it and you know it. you have given away all your power and she is totally in control. she knows she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. instead of YOU being the boss, SHE is the boss. the woman should never be the boss... and you are finding out why. How is failing to communicate effectively and giving her a break giving away my power? I don't get it?
Mz. Pixie Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 She has constant aches, pains, headaches, etc. I have posted before about this so if you want to look it up go ahead. She stays home because she is always "sick" and takes care of our youngest who just started pre-school. The house is never cleaned adequately and she takes regular naps in the afternoon. There is a load of resentment in these two statements. If she is picking up on how you truly feel about her (above) then perhaps that's why she's not interested in sex??
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 If she's tired due to being with the kids all day, then arranage a family member to help once a week - To take the kids so she can have an afternoon to herself. Or, as I suggested, the two of you go for a night out, or ship the kids off to your folks or her folks place so you two can have some time alone. To reconnect and be away from daily crunch of home, kids and work.
Author Asafan Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 There is a load of resentment in these two statements. If she is picking up on how you truly feel about her (above) then perhaps that's why she's not interested in sex?? She IS interested in sex. I was the one who was too tired last night and not interested the week before. And sure, I do have some resentment toward her. I'm sure there is some resentment toward me for not helping with the kids more.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 There is a load of resentment in these two statements. Agreed. My husband has ALOT more "aches and pains" than I do. And he wasn't really allowing me to take a proactive approach in supporting him. Whenever he felt bad, he just wanted to be alone. I ended up feeling powerless and ineffectual... and finally just resentful. I believed that if he didn't want my help or support, it probably wasn't all that bad. IOW, I believed I was dealing with a hypochondriac. Things got better when he finally understood that I NEEDED to be involved, and when I finally understood that I can't measure another person's pain and discomfort.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Asafan, Yes, resentment goes both ways. She resents being home and feels a little suffocated and probably lonely at times, and you resent that she doesn't keep up the home in an orderly fashion and has the luxury to take naps. I think that is completely normal for the parents of young children to be experiencing. At least you recognize there are some problems and are willing to talk about them and find some resolution. I often felt like I wished I could earn as much money and then I would go to work myself and let my husband do the laundry, shopping, lawn care, trash disposal, bill paying, doctor appts., vacuuming, dusting, ironing, entertaining children (fun for awhile, but gets a little boring after a few years), etc. It may not even be like that in your household, but in mine I did everything because he often worked 7 days a week. Of course he probably thought that I had it easy staying home with the luxury of a nap if needed while he was working 80 hours a week. Truth is nobody had it easy. There wasn't balance to either side. My suggestion is to ask your wife what she thinks the appropriate solution is. It's easy to throw out a complaint, but I hear and understand the problem better if the complaining party can offer a possible solution. You may not see her idea as a solution, but at least you're communicating at that point. You didn't elaborate on your wife's aches and pains. Are these real medical problems or do you see them as excuses? I've worked with women who called in sick over a hangnail. Literally. Some people just see any ache as a real problem, some us just keep chugging along. I'm still concerned that your wife may be depressed to a degree. That is a real problem and it affects the entire family. Ask her what she thinks about that possibility. There are several 7-10 question tests online. Even mild depression can affect motivation to do just about anything. There seems to be a lot of love between you and this will take a bit of work but certainly seems resolvable. Honestly just getting something off your chest and feeling like someone cares is a big help in itself. I like the suggestions that have been offered. I definitely suggest alone time, no kids, at least every other week even if you stay at home and have a friend or family watch the kids for a few hours. If there isn't family nearby maybe you could trade off every other week with another couple with kids. Kids bring a lot of joy to your life, but they are one of the top three problems in marriages these days. It's not the kids per se', but there is so much work and drama at times involve in child rearing. Attentions are split so many ways at times. Money and sex are the other two big ones. Nearly every failed marriage has problems with one of those three things. Throw them all in the mix together and its really hard to overcome. You're trying and that's so important.
Author Asafan Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 Truth is nobody had it easy. There wasn't balance to either side. That is for sure DDL. And most of the time I remember that. I was just shocked by the degree to which she was upset. It seemed out of proportion, but the make-up sex was really great! You didn't elaborate on your wife's aches and pains. Are these real medical problems or do you see them as excuses? She was in a car accident last April and has herniated disks in her neck and back. She just stopped going to the chriopractor/physical therapist and started getting cortisone injections in her neck and back which seem to be helping, but she still has pain. I'm still concerned that your wife may be depressed to a degree. She does suffer from depression in general and it returned a couple of months after the accident, but the insurance company wouldn't cover treatment, which, believe me is a whole other story in itself! She is on meds though. Things got better when he finally understood that I NEEDED to be involved, and when I finally understood that I can't measure another person's pain and discomfort. I stopped trying to measure her pain long ago. Sometimes it just sucks and I resent it, but it passes and gets better because I love her.
Ripples Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 She was in a car accident last April and has herniated disks in her neck and back. She just stopped going to the chriopractor/physical therapist and started getting cortisone injections in her neck and back which seem to be helping, but she still has pain. Um, it's pretty hard, as a woman, to feel sexual if you're disabled to a degree and if you're in pain. Believe me. I'm not saying thats all there is to it, like anything there's probably a host of variables that are at work, but maybe it's worth giving it more consideration.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I just personally think that resentment kills marriages. I know it killed my previous marriage in alot ways and my H's marriage as well. It builds and builds and builds. Your wife has a legitimate bad injury- which is extremely painful. I would imagine she doesn't feel like doing things around the house. I know it's hard on you but instead of feeling resentment towards her how about understanding?? I'm sure she would trade her disk problems to be completely healthy and be able to really keep up with all of the stuff that she should be doing. One of your underlying issues IMO is that you think her job is not as hard as yours and trust me, being a SAHM was the toughest job I ever had. I wasn't really cut out for it because as it turns out I like to have adult interaction. How about sitting down with her and tell her that you'd like to start completely over fresh and that you'll let go of any resentments that you have towards her if she will let go of her own. Then going forward- get stuff out- don't let it fester and boil over to hurt your marriage.
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