Schn00ginz Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Hello everyone, please bear with me, I really need your advice. I am 22 years old, I will be 23 soon. My ex is 25. We've known each other for 7 years and have been dating for 5. While we were dating he was coming over serious issues with women and didn't treat me the best he could because he didn't want me to know that I had "power" over him. During this time, we lived together, had joint bank accounts, and had joint credit card accounts. We planned on getting married. Spring time rolled around, I was graduating from college and I planned on attending law school across the country. He started getting weird and started drifting, telling me he didn't know if he loved me anymore, telling me that things would change. He was afraid that I would leave him like his 1st love did when she went off to school. (He is my first love). So what did he do? He broke up with me to spare himself the pain. Within an hour of us breaking up, he started dating someone else to fill the void in his life. When my parents found out that we broke up, they were thrilled. My ex, I'll call him J, does not have an education. He has had multiple jobs. It is only recently that he has an actual career. Not to mention, he owes me thousands of dollars. I don't care about these things, but my parents do. They make my life miserable because they hate him. After I knew he was with someone else, I started acting my age and went out to meet people. I started sleeping with someone to satisfy sexual and attention needs but with no strings attached. When he found out he was crushed. He broke up with his gf, who he told me he actually hated and can't give reason to why he actually did it, AND HE PROPOSED!. I have wanted to marry him for years. But since I have been to law school, I decided that I need to explore the world on my own. I have never really dated anyone else and I limit my new friends because my time is consumed by him. On top of this, he would need to move across the country as well and possibly could damage his career. He is willing to do this. I am not. I feel like we would have to many things going on for it to work for us while I'm in school. So what did I do? I broke up with the love of my life and said I needed time. I want him to explore the world on his own for awhile and do things he can;t do if he was to marry me. I want him to be happy. At the same time, I want him to wait and be alone. It's been 3-4 weeks since we've broken up. He is serious about finding someone else. He says he wants to settle down. My heart is broken. I want to be with him but I feel that I'm not, and we're not ready. It seems like the relationship is always on his schedule and it kills me. I am madly in love with him but things just aren't right for me now. He has already gone on 4 dates with one girl and kissed her this weekend. I have yet to hook up with anyone. I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I try to tell myself that if it was meant to be it will be, but sometimes i think logistics can overcome that. I want to be with him, just not now, and now I am losing hope. What to do? I can't stop contacting him, and yet I broke up with him!!
dropdeadlegs Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 From your post it seems that somewhere deep inside you recognize that you might not really be right for each other. I agree that while you are across the country in law school that it would be best for him to NOT move to be with you. I understand that you love him, but I think you also feel that there might be someone better suited for yourself. Break ups are hard even when you know they are right. Listen to your head. You have a whole new world of opportunity to explore. If this guy is the one you are meant to be with, distance and this break will not stop that from happening. I can understand why your parents are happy about the break up. They don't think he is good marriage material for you. Knowing only what you have posted I don't either. Your parents probably see him as an albatross around your neck because he isn't as motivated for success as you are. He owes you serious money or has put you in serious debt and while that doesn't bother you, maybe it should. Remaining in continual contact is what is hindering your ability to move on. I would suggest not remaining in contact. It will allow your head to clear and see the entire situation in a more balanced way. It will be hard at first, but it is what truly allows us to get past the tugging of the heartstrings and be able to get past the idealization we often have of a former partner. It is not good for you to know about dates or his love life. He may simply be looking to get married. Would you want to marry someone who wants marriage so badly that he would marry the first girl who accepts? NO, you want to marry someone who wants to be with you. He says that he does, but it's not right for you at this time. If he really wants YOU, he can wait until you are out of law school and more prepared to concentrate on marriage and family. Law school is tough enough without the additional responsibilities of marriage and making a life together. This part is completely my own experience. I married a man with a sketchy work history and I often supported us. He would be out of work for weeks at a time because he wasn't settled into a trade or career. He had a history of relationships, and when one ended he immediately jumped into another one. In my head I saw so many red flags, but I was in love. Things didn't work out. All told he was married 4 times by the age of 37 with his first marriage being at 24. That's 4 wives in 13 years! Our marriage lasted for 7 years, so the other three were in a 6 year period. I really think he was in love with the IDEA of being in love. he wanted to be married. Somehow your boyfriend gives me that vibe. I know you were together for a long time, but the minute that broke up, he was onto something new right away. Be careful of trying to fill the void with meaningless sex with no strings attached. It doesn't really make you feel better and in the long run makes you feel worse for accepting so little from someone when you know you deserve so much more. Again, that comes from experience. Concentrate on your studies, have fun when it's appropriate, and the time will fly. You may meet someone along the way that is your equal intellectually as well as having an equally bright future.
Guest Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Your situation sounds really weird. If I were you, I'd be extremely cautious about defining him "the love of my life". I think that everything you described here is indicative that this cannot really be love but just addiction. I believe that you both are addicted to each other. True love is focused on making the other person happy. It's not about showing off to the other how many people you can date for your own sexual pleasure. The fact that he proposed to you after he found out that you were seeing others is also strange. Honestly, I think that if you broke up with him you actually have very good reasons for doing so. Just think them really through. Don't underestimate the opinions of the people around you regarding your boyfriend. They are probably seeing what you cannot see because you're emotionally involved. I think you should try to stop calling him otherwise you'll not be going anywhere and it will continue to hurt you even more because he keeps telling you that he's going out for all the dates, etc..etc..etc... and when you were breaking up with him you probably felt that he'd come begging on his knees. Anyway, think through everything. Know your price. Don't look back on your decisions. Analyze well all the reasons of your break-up and I am sure you'll be able to find some peace. Take care of yourself and yes, you're too young to get married, especially to an immature man like that.
lovelorcet Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Walk away and set him to NC... This relationship is over and you should leave it that way.
Davis Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Schn: Of course it's tough! But you'll be ok. Do yourself a favor and do NC. You can control your actions. You're only hurting yourself more by continuing contact. You have a bright, bright future ahead of you. You're in law school. You know how tough that is. Focus on your degree. You know, about 80% of marriages of couples under 28 end in divorce!! Hun you're only 22!!! Get your law degree, land a great job, secure your future and a great guy will come along at the RIGHT time. Hang in there!!
heartbroken1234 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 seriously, sorry for the lack of advice, but i've been on these forums for one reason... girls like you... ITS SO SIMPLE!!! FOLLOW YOUR HEART! You either love him or you don't.... if you truly love someone, you'd want to be with them always, if not, I don't think you're truly in love with him. So, quit trying to make excuses for yourself to justify your feelings. You either wanna be with him or not... plain and simple...
Author Schn00ginz Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 Thank you all for the advice, I need to hear it. I do love him, I know I do. But I feel like reality can overcome love. We are both immature. I am very inexperienced in the dating world. And he needs to get his act together which will hopefully bring my parents into our little circle. You are right. I NEED to go NC. It is crushing me knowing what he is doing. I just can't figure out how he can be with someone else so quickly, 4 dates in 2 weeks is ALOT! and he says that he'd spend everyday with her if he could.....god...i am going out of my mind.... I hope i can move forward from this. I am lonely and I miss him. He was my best friend, that is a lot to lose. =(
Davis Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Thank you all for the advice, I need to hear it. I do love him, I know I do. But I feel like reality can overcome love. We are both immature. I am very inexperienced in the dating world. And he needs to get his act together which will hopefully bring my parents into our little circle. You are right. I NEED to go NC. It is crushing me knowing what he is doing. I just can't figure out how he can be with someone else so quickly, 4 dates in 2 weeks is ALOT! and he says that he'd spend everyday with her if he could.....god...i am going out of my mind....I hope i can move forward from this. I am lonely and I miss him. He was my best friend, that is a lot to lose. =( Schn: you're still looking for a way for this relationship to work, so that means you're not letting go. "He needs to get his act together ... bring your parents in"? Hun, you're not getting it!! You are done! You have to go No Contact because that will be easier on you. That also means (as difficult as it is) that you have to let go of this relationship and the hope that it will work out in the future. "4 dates in 2 weeks"?? Not to minimize your suffering and your pain, but it could be much worse. My ex slept with me one day and three days later she cheated on me. Now they ARE together 24/7. And, yes, I wonder how she could do that!! You MUST keep your mind off of him and other women!!! THAT will drive you crazy! You can and will move forward from this despite how much it hurts now. I understand that you miss him, at least you miss having someone in your life and now you have a void. Try to keep busy with your friends. Go to some parties even if you don't want to go. STOP thinking about him, a future and what girls he dates. You will get thru this, Promise!!
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