I know I'm being stupid, but humour me

[alasia]

As the title says; I know I should be over all this and moving on by now - and I do have plans for the next couple of weeks; job interviews, nights out with friends, dates etc., but I'm STILL over analysing the me and Phil thing.

 

You see, I went to see him last night. I didn't admit it in my other thread and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I thought I'd give talking some sense into him (about the baby and his lack of responsibility/conscience) one last go. I failed miserably

 

He started off saying I was banned from the yard (his depot; he's a bus driver) which annoyed me; firstly because I have no intention of going there and secondly, it means his work is siding with him even though they know I'm pregnant, it's his baby, he's not interested and is just cutting me out of his life without a second thought for our/my (whatever) child.

 

At one point he said "you think we can get back together and it'll be fine". I told him I didn't think that, because he has no feelings for me (everytime I say that he says "no, I dont" in a very matter-of-fact way, so he obviously means it).

I said if he had feelings then yes I probably would be saying we should give things another go, because we do get on (his response was to say we don't get on. We do sometimes, but the majority of times we don't, and if we are getting on it doesn't last). He kept saying "it won't work" and I said it wouldn't because he doesn't want it to. He agreed with me on that.

 

So...basically he's said he has no romantic feelings for me whatsoever, and probably no friendship feelings either (seeing as he's not bothered whenther he sees me again or not).

He never wants to get back together, might want to see the baby when it's born; he's not sure yet, but it depends if we're getting on or not.

He doesn't want sex with me, or anyone (especially not me) and he's not interested in a relationship or living with anyone at the moment.

He's happy enough on his own and is of the opinion that when you split up with someone, you just get on with being single (which is the way I should be looking at it, I know that).

 

He's also said he liked living with me some of the time, but most nights he hated coming home because "I didn't know which way you'd turn".

He said he realised he couldn't take my bad moods, the arguing, the violence and sleepless nights (he used to prefer sleeping on the sofa; he's always done it, but to me that was weird. If you love someone, you want to share a bed with him. The first few months, I used to go downstairs and ask him to come up. He always said he'd be up in a minute, then when he still hadn't come to bed by 4am I'd go and ask again. But I stopped doing that eventually, and he started coming upstairs of his own accord. When I mentioned that last night, he said "well it's only because I knew you'd end up coming downstairs anyway!) and it seemed like he's blaming me for everything.

 

Ok so I was a pain to live with; but so was he.

He never used to talk about his feelings, he always wanted to sleep on the sofa, he used to spend way too much time at the betting shop and really, it was more like we were lodgers that a couple. But through it all, I loved him, and I loved living with him. I've never once thought that the relaltionship was a bad one on the whole, or that I hated him as a person because we argued sometimes (ok, a lot of the time).

 

I don't get how he can say all that stuff to me without caring that it's killing me to hear it, and just basically see the whole relationship as a mistake. Which I think is how he's seeing it.

 

Anyway he's saying all this, yet there's still a part of me thinking maybe he's just saying it to hurt me and he doesn't really mean it.

 

I think maybe he does still have feelings, but realises (or thinks) we'd never work if we got back together so he's saying he hates me and never wants to see me again, or all the stuff about hating living with me, to finally get me to move on. So I start thinking he's an idiot, not worth the hassle and then I don't want to contact him. It kind of lets him off the hook. Last night I asked if we only saw each other once every couple of weeks and everytime we got on really well, did he think we might be able to start getting a bit more contact going. He said he didn't know, but maybe.

 

There's a part of me hoping that now I'm not contacting him, he'll start to miss me and remember the good times we had. That we can become friends and then if we get on really well as friends, he might start to develop feelings again and maybe something can go from there?

 

I reminded him that only a week ago, he'd said that his feelings did get stronger everytime we were getting on well and he said that was true, but the getting-on never lasts. I asked him to give it a chance and he said he didn't want to. I think he thought I meant as a couple.

 

I know I've said this before, but it was also only last Monday that he said he did still have feelings for me, and wanted to get back together eventually - we just had to let things die down a bit first. I know he only said it through text message, but how can he say something like that if it's not true?

And how can he go from being happy to chat with me as a friend on the phone, in person on the bus or through text, to never wanting to see or hear from me again, all in the space of 8 days?!

 

Could it be that he wanted to stay friends, get on well and if anything else developed then fair enough (but that wasn't the main thing on his mind) but wanted his space as well; and when I wouldn't give it to him he got sick of asking, and decided to take drastic measures? IE: telling me he never wants to see me again, or saying hurtful stuff to get me to give him space.

 

Do you think there's any chance there's a part of him wishing/thinking we could get back together?

 

He says things that get me wondering; like last night when I said I thought he'd known he didn't want to get back together for a while but was just stringing me along, and he said "you think I would have got back together with you after you told me you slept with Steve (another ex)?!"

I said it didn't matter because I'd only told him that a week ago, and he didn't have any feelings for me before then. He didn't answer.

 

That's the other thing that gets me wondering what he's really thinking; whenever I say "if you'd have still had feelings, we could have worked things out" or something similar, he doesn't answer. He doesn't say he does have feelings, but he doesn't say he doesn't either.

It's probably just because he's said he doesn't have any feelings for me enough times, and can't be bothered anymore, isn't it?

 

Anyway I know I'm over analysing waaay too much, deluding myself and need a kick up the you-know-what, so feel free to do that! That's why I'm posting this.

 

I'm sorry this post is so long and hard to read, but I was just typing what was in my head at the time; to vent, mainly...if you've made it this far, thanks. Please comment, even if it's just to say I'm a silly mare who needs to grow up and get over this! It was only five month relationsahip, after all!

[Motor35]

I am kinda new here. Is there an age difference between you and Phil?

 

Sounds like he is rather adamant about his feelings now, but he might just be venting and over-reacting because he is upset.

 

You said he was hard to live with...would you want to live with him again? And why is this guy so great? What does he offer you that no one else can?

[alasia]

Err yes...I'm 23 and he's 44. But in my defence (hehe) he's not an 'old' 44, and he had a 3yr relationship with a girl which started when she was 18. So it's not like the age has ever really mattered.

 

I think I would want to live with him again, because on the whole I was happy. I saw the arguments as just...little niggles. It was obviously more than that for him, but then he sees a slight misunderstanding, where one of us takes something the other has said the wrong way, as an argunent. Which it's not, really.

He over reacts to things like that a lot, because he hates arguments and disagreements. That's why he's now saying he's happy living by himself, because "I don't have anyone to argue with".

 

My feelings could just be that he's my first love, first guy I've lived with, that kind of thing.

I'm sure I will look back on it in a few months and say it's not worth it, but at the moment I just don't get how he could have been saying he has feelings all this time (well I say all this time; we've been split for a month and one week he's saying he hates me, the next he's saying he misses me, thinks about me and wants to get back together eventually) and suddenly have changed his mind over the past 8-9 days.

Unless he really didn't have those feelings after all.

[dropdeadlegs]

alasia, move on. You are only making things harder on yourself. A baby is not a band aid for relationship problems. The part of him that has feelings for you is between his legs, and even that part doesn't seem to have much feeling. You are young, you weren't together very long, and he is too old for you. You should be using the time of your pregnancy to relax and reflect. Work on your anger management issues so they will not be a problem for all relationships.

 

f you want to find out if he has ANY feelings for you do not contact him in any way. If he cares at all, he will contact you. If that contact has anything to do with reconciliation, great, go for it. Right now you are a thorn in his side and he is probably finding your presence annoying at best.

 

When your baby is born go through the appropriate channels to get child support, take care of yourself and your child, and in time you may find a man that will love and accept the both of you.

 

Good luck.

[alasia]

I know, you're right. I know you are.

[miss snoopy]

Alasia, you seem hell bent on maintaining contact somehow, in the erroneous belief that out of sight may be out of mind. You also want answers and feel he is the best person to provide them.

 

Like you, I had the "why did someone who said he loved me turn so quickly" question which I wanted answering. And why he was being so cold post break-up when he was so warm with his ex before me. And why couldnt we be friends, after all he is "friends" with her? I had to find the anwers out myself, I wasn't going to get them from contacting him.

 

Of course your ex is projecting and repressing, all typical defense mechanisms of people who do not wish to get in touch with their feelings, to avoid the normal feelings which come with loss - guilt and sadness. But something in the relationship caused him to switch off - a gradual attrition, yes, but it needed just one comment, one act, one fight, to finally turn the light off. And one its gone it's very hard to get it back. By contacting him so much, you're strengthening his resolve and making it easier for him to keep the door firmly shut. He has put you in the stalker category and you're doing nothing to make him change his thinking.

 

Would you prefer it if your ex was loving and friendly with you but dating other women? Allowing you email him, emailing you back but never giving you his new phone number so he can keep you at a distance? Telling you he has very strong feelings for you but still cannot date you as he needs his space? Insisting you had an abortion because he loves you very much and doesn't want the woman he loves to be a single mother as he is nowhere ready to be a father?

 

He's sending you a clear message. You'll be grateful for it in the long run.

[dropdeadlegs]

That's because we have discussed this already!

 

Seriously, he cannot miss you when you are a constant in his life. If you leave him alone maybe he will. Don't jump to right back where you are now over one text message or anything, make him prove to you that he is serious about getting together if that come about.

 

I cannot explain his mixed messages. It would be better if he would make a decision and stick to it. It's the mixed messages in addition to your situation that is keeping you stuck in place.

 

Does your family know about your pregnancy? Do your friends? Ask them to support you emotionally and help you to stick to your guns and leave him alone...for now. He has responsibility in the matter of the child and that will come in time.

 

I know your head is speaking to as loudly as your heart. Try to keep listening to your head and give the situation a rest. No matter how things work out, giving it a rest is best for everyone right now.

 

Eat right, get plenty of rest, and stop the obsessive compulsion to contact him. You will see, it will make things better.

 

Take care of yourself, sweetie. Life does go on and you have a lot to take care of in the upcoming months.

[alasia]

Don't worry, I'm NOT contacting him. I even asked him (the last time I called him a few days ago) to change his shift next saturday because I'll be going out in town, and would have to get his bus back home. It'd be too hard to see him. he agreed to change his shift but then said "why should I", but hopefully he'll see sense and do it. If not, I'll catch the train home.

 

All I want is to know if from what he's saying, there's any chance he might start to miss me or get slight feelings back in future. Personally I'd say there isn't but was interested in what other people thought.

Either way, I'm definitely keeping up the no contact thing so don't worry

[miss snoopy]

No contact is for you to heal, not for you to miss him. So it shouldn't matter what he thinks or feels when you're not there.

 

From what he's saying, it sounds like he wants you out of his hair. Nobody here can tell you what he's going to think or feel about you in the future, even he cannot tell you. You're overanalyzing and that's no way to heal and move on.

 

This constant worry is increasing your cortisol levels and you need to relax to protect your baby.

[alasia]

I know...I am healing slowly, although it might not seem like it.

 

I'm realising what an idiot he is, honest I am

 

And truthfully, I don't think we'd work as a couple. There are too many issues.

 

But it'd be nice to know he wanted me back

[alasia]

Actually I think the main reason I'm bothered is that to him, the relationship was so awful. I don't want him thinking that, I want him to remember some good times..don't want to be his 'worst relationship ever'.

 

He'll never miss me, I know he won't and that's what hurts.

 

He missed his last ex so much that he went back to her after 6 months, and I know he'd never do that with me. Mainly, bacause I pushed him too far with the constant contact. I know I shouldn't keep comparing myself with his exes, but it's hard not to.

 

I think it's gone too far now for him to miss me or ever want me back, even as a friend

[RocketMan2]

Alasia,

 

You really need to get rid of this guy.

 

He is of no worth to you.

 

Go back and read your own posts. Look at how you describe him!

 

Am i right in thinking hes had 4 kids with 4 women and he isnt a father to any of them? i think that says everything you need to know never mind any of the other rubbish!

 

Come on, get your act together!

 

Rocket

[alasia]

I went through my diary just now, and it was the worst thing to do ever. Now I'm sooo depressed and in tears - it's pathetic, isn't it; we were only together for 5 months! Why am I such a mess?

 

It's just for the past 5 weeks, he's been making me think the break up was my fault - that it was something I did (hitting him). He's used every excuse under the sun for why we can't get back together; his family wouldn't allow it, he's worried it'll happen again, he doesn't have feelings for me, we argue too much and it's literally been up and down on a daily basis.

 

Even as far back as the start of January - on the 3rd he let me stay over as I had an interview the next morning and he said it was deinfitely over, the 6th I went to see him on the bus and we got on well but when I asked to go back to his place he refused, the 7th he asked me to meet him to give him something and asked me to stay and chat for a while (when we got on well again), then on the money he asked me to meet him again, asked me back to his place and we ended up having sex - the next morning he told me he loved me and still wanted me in his life.

 

That was the last time he told me he loved me, but since then it's just been weeks of one minute saying it's over for good and the next, saying he still had feelings for me. You could think that he was using me for sex, but some nights I stayed over and wer didn't do it, we just cuddled up all night.

 

I suppose at least now I have some clarirty, but I just want to know when he stopped caring about me - was it the full 5 weeks ago, or last week when I told him I'd slept with another ex of mine (he brought that up last night; then again he said that and then asked why I had to tell him. I said I wanted him to know I was getting over him and he said "I don't care how you're feeling").

 

I don't know...someone tell me to grow up and get a life!

[RocketMan2]

Stop reading your old diary entries! What happened to NC?!

 

 

Rocket

[alasia]

I have been NC! Haven't I...?

[miss snoopy]

I have been NC! Haven't I...?

 

Well these are excerpts from your posts dated yesterday/today:

 

Omg...I went over to Rugeley (where my ex lives) today....

 

I went home, then texted about 30 mins ago...

 

I sent one more text saying sorry...

 

You see, I went to see him last night....

 

You can see why one may be bit confused - this looks like a lot of contact to me. You need to actually not contact him for a period, it's not enough just planning to do it. It's hard, but you know any contact is going to result in you being even more hurt and humiliated so I hope you can stick to true NC. Reading your diary won't help you heal but if it keeps you from contacting him, then do it for the time being.

[alasia]

Hmm. My ex has said that my true colors will come out when the baby's born. I asked what he meant, and he said "getting money from me".

 

I asked if he meant will I be claiming child support and he said yes, and I should - but the way he said it sounded like he'd think I was a gold digger if I claimed! I bet that's how he guilted all his other exes into not claiming child support...

 

I said I am definitely applying because he should pay for his kids; and he said "fine, I'll just stop working". Omg!

 

How can he be like this...?!

[Arianna72]

I have already posted my thoughts and really believe you need to go NC with this guy. The more you write about your short relationship with him the more I have to wonder what exactly do the two of you have in common , what is it you like about him so much? This guy sounds like a real loser and I have yet to read anything you have written that suggests he has any redeeming qualites.

 

Your last post is suggesting to me that you may have contacted him again as you didn't mention that conversation previously. Please for your own good.. don't contact him!! You can be strong and you need to be strong for yourself and for your child who in the end is going to be way better off if you remove this man from your thoughts as a potential partner.

[alasia]

He does have some redeeming qualities, in the relationship as a whole I was happy.

 

He contacted me last night, which is when I had that conversation with him. I am trying not to get in touch, but at the moment he has a lot of stuff that I bought in his house - I don't see why he should keep it, but then maybe collecting it is an excuse to see him...it's cushions, candles, things like that and I don't really need them at the moment.

[most]

do whatever it takes to stop thinking it was ur loss...when truely it was his.

[Kamille]

Hmm. My ex has said that my true colors will come out when the baby's born. I asked what he meant, and he said "getting money from me".

 

What a f-ing manipulator! urgh!

 

Ok - that said aside. I think your difficulty with NC might stem from the fact that you are endlessly trying to find a specific reason why you feel so restless - bad- out of control- sad - angry (feel free to add in here any other emotions).

 

I think you're looking for the quick fix solution as to why you feel this way in the hope of making the feelings (torture) go away.

 

And since most of your feelings are provoked by his actions, you believe that contact will make you feel better.

 

So step one is to ACCEPT the ****ty feelings. Yes it is hard. Yes what is happening to you is unfair. No it's not fun to feel like that but this is how you feel right now.

 

Write here about them, turn to a friend, family member or councellor. One thing that is clear is that he's using how you feel to manipulate you. He is only making it worse and worse. He is not going to be the one to help you through this honey.

 

Know this: in time, these feelings will subdue. It won't be easy but it will happen.

 

I feel like right now you might have a hard time gaining control of your thoughts. So just do this... It's a very simple visualisation exercise. Sit, stand or lie comfortably. Think of a calm, comfortable, quiet place. Take anywhere from 4 to 10 deep breaths visualising yourself in this place. Focus on how being there makes you feel (a bit more comfortable, calmer etc). Hopefully this will give you a little moment of a rest. Do this anytime you feel tortured by your thoughts and feelings.

 

I said it elsewhere Alasia, you need to do everything you can to take control of the situation and get your act together. And I know, we all know here because some of us have been where you are, that YOU CAN.

 

love

K