LosingMyEdge Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Hi all, am a newbie here but been reading some of the other breakup messages. As none of them quite match my situation, and I have no idea what to do for the best, I feel compelled to submit my story and await your advice. I'm a 23 year old female, living with my long-term partner of nearly 9 years who is 36. We first started dating when I was nearly 16. At first it was wonderful, we had some really good times in the first few years, but every year now I seem to be growing ever more detached, I never thought this would happen. But he has changed, I've seen sides to him I don't like (tantrums, anger management issues - he's never tried to hit me or anything, but he can just be so miserable to be around at times). Now I don't feel 'it' anymore. I don't feel the same strong attachment we once had. He doesn't seem to think we have a problem and it's clear he doesn't want to let me go, even though we hardly do anything outside the house together and barely speak inside the house some days. I just feel like background noise, and I'm fairly sure this is not how he was living when he was my age. (Again, I never thought it would happen, but perhaps the age difference is now becoming an issue). I would like to be out a bit more, partying and having a laugh, I want to grab hold of my youth while I have it and the last thing I want is to get to 30 and think "where the hell did my 20's go?" But, everytime I try and approach the subject of leaving, or build myself up to go, I just can't do it. I can't hurt him. Even though I'm sure I no longer find him physically attractive, even though I don't want him to touch me let alone have sex with me anymore, I just can't say "It's over, I'm going". I really want the split to be amicable, but I'm going to have to accept that's just not likely. He clearly still loves me (although he has a very lightweight way of showing it, forgetting my birthday etc.) but I just don't feel the same anymore. If it was acceptable to leave a note and go, I could do that, but I just can't look at him and see him cry. It's because he cried the last time I wanted to leave, that I stayed. It's emotional blackmail really isn't it? But I am a deeply emotional person. I want him to be OK, I want him to move on and find someone better suited, but obviously whether he does is up to him. I should probably also mention... there has been interest in me from another lad, more my age (27). We have become very good friends and I am ashamed to say, I have recently cheated with him, but I have put that on hold until I know for sure what I'm doing with my long-term partner. Which hurts because I do really like this new lad and think we could have a wonderful time together. He's got more energy and fun in him, which is what my LT partner used to be like, but I can't help but think that was a bit of a façade, because he is in no way fun or spontaneous now. Another thing I do feel, is all the housework is dumped on me. He will occasionally dabble, but it's not as if he works harder and longer than me in his job and I am the one hoovering, dusting, disinfecting the kitchen etc... if I'm lucky he'll hang the washing occasionally but I'm getting so sick of having to ask/tell him there's a disgusting pile of dishes in the sink that you could have done instead of sitting on your arse having a joint! And in the long term.. I want a baby. He doesn't. Now, he'll change his mind about this to keep in line with my thoughts, but he has stated in the past that he really doesn't want children, and I believe this to be the truth. For instance we did agree to try for a few months, got nowhere, I went back on the pill and his reaction was "Thank God for that, I didn't want kids anyway, in fact if I had one, I would drown it". Now, he's a man known for saying stupid things in the heat of the moment, but to be quite honest, to me that is something once you've said and put it out there, you can't retract. How can I risk mothering the child of a man who thinks like that? Also it is entirely likely if I did fall pregnant then HE would be the one wanting to leave, and I would rather leave him now WITHOUT his child than leave after WITH his child! So I guess I'm saying, how can I, as an emotional wreck, tell him and get out the door? For now a trial seperation is fine for me, but obviously he's not even happy with that idea. I honestly don't see what he's trying to hold onto though. All his hobbies and interests are his own and lead him to be out most of the time, I just don't see when he would miss me? I feel trapped. (And I know it's pathetic and I'm spineless, but I'm doing the best I can, I've been on antidepressants for years and have only just managed to have several months off them, so I'm doing good, but lacking the confidence the pills provide). All I want is to make the most of my life and have fun with it. I don't want to think I've wasted another second, the last three years have been fairly pointless apart from the acquisition of my job. I am currently happier at work than home! Any advice would be warmly welcomed. This whole situation is making me quite ill. I'm now almost underweight and I can feel the depression taking hold, but I don't want to go back on the meds! Thanks, LME.
taylor Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 This man chose to get involved with a girl who was way too young for him. By the same token, you chose to get involved with a man way too old for you. Now you are feeling the repercussions. It's too bad it took 9 years for this decision to catch up with you. You are cheating yourself and hurting yourself by staying with this man. You are wasting your youth with a man whose youth is well behind him. Because of the age difference, you want different things out of life. You want to go out and have fun and eventually meet someone, get married and have a baby. He doesn't. He is "settled" and he likes things just the way they are. Look at the way things are: young girl to cook and clean for him; no marriage; no sex; no children; no social life. Yuck! Why would you want to stay in a situation like that? If the present situation is unbearable, what kind of a future do you think you will have with this man? I say get out as fast as your 23-year-old legs will take you. If you are too emotional or too weak to sit down and explain to him why you breaking off the relationship, then leave him a long letter. The point is you do need to leave. Explain to him in the letter that you are growing up (you are) and changing and that what you want and need out of life now is different than what it was when you were 15 years old (it is). Tell him that he can no longer meet your needs. Tell him you met someone new who you would like to pursue a relationship with. These words will hurt him but all breakups hurt. There is no way to get around it. The best you can do is be honest and upfront with what you say to him. After you write the letter, leave! Make a clean break. Go NC. He will need time to digest what happened, to grieve the loss and to decide what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He will need time to change directions. He can't do that with you in the picture. Once you leave, you need to stay strong. Don't give in to your emotions. Think with your head. Think about what is in your best interests. Think about what you need out of life because you still have alot of life to live. Life is too short to be living it in a way that is making you feel trapped and miserable. Move forward and don't look back. Practice strict NC. It will help you to break ties with him without putting yourself on an emotional rollercoaster. good luck.
Krytellan Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I'm sorry, but the guy is sick. You guys were romantic when you were 14 and he was 27? He's a pervert, plain and simple. I would have him jailed if I could.
V._Confuzzled Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I'm sorry, but the guy is sick. You guys were romantic when you were 14 and he was 27? He's a pervert, plain and simple. I would have him jailed if I could. Try an be a little more constructive My situation is 'slightly' similar to yours that i suppose i lost 'it' in my relationship. Try looking over this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111511/. I dont know if it'll be much help. All i can say is, if you dont feel 100% percent happy, try an detatch yourself from the relationship for a while. Perhaps go away by yourself and get an outside perspective. A break isnt necessarily the end of a relationship but it can clear your head. Spend ALOT more time with your friends, just distance yourself for a while. Keep posting your thoughts on here, it does help to vocalize your issues.
Author LosingMyEdge Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Sorry, I posted my age wrong - I'm 24, we got together when I was 15. I can understand your reaction to that! See even now I feel the need to defend him. He does help with some of the housework, he does usually make dinner and do the cat litter tray, but that really is about the extent of it! But we have been such good companions for a long time, I guess that's what makes it hard to detach completely. I did used to think he was my soul mate, but our differences in opinion on having a child are so different. I mentioned it again today, asking if he truthfully saw children in our future, he said perhaps, but I pressed further with his previous comments, and he launched into something about everything going well until nature interfered, and that i should ignore it, that we'll never be financially stable enough to support a child and that I may not even be able to have a child because of my illness (which is true, but I am not averse to the idea of adoption should it come to it. I just see children in my future, I know I'd be a great mother, but I doubt his ability to be a good father.) I guess I just don't know what I want. But thanks for your advice. I think I probably could stay with him, but I just don't think it would be right. I might be wrong, I might get away and realise he was the one and want him right back, but I need that space to know. It just seems so hard to get it with some degree of agreement from him. Him being ok with this seems to matter so much to me, but I guess you can't have everything.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I hate to be blunt, but end it! I was in dead-end relationships from the time I was 19 to the time I was 27. You mentioned waking up one day and wondering where the hell did your 20s go??? Yes, that happened to me! You're only 24, so there's still 6 good years left. You know what you have to do, now just go ahead and do it. Even if you are an emotional person and you want your bf to be okay with the breakup, the number one person you need to worry about is YOU. Now is the time to be selfish. And I agree that he's sick if he was interested in you as a 15 year old. When I was 13 there was a 16 year old interested in me, and my parents thought that THAT was sick... your situation is infinitely worse.
sunangel Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 We'll first of all congradulations on getting off the meds! It's scary how dependent we can become on pills that really only make us think were o.k. when were on them. Sweetheart you know exactly what you need to do and i can tell by the way you have expressed yourself. There's really no way on splitting with someone and everything being just fine.. Especially with this guys anger management problems. I'm your age and i feel the same! Don't waste any more time on him.... before you wake up years from now and regret it all. Go out, have fun, and enjoy life cause you never know when it might be gone...... Good Luck to you
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