lrnfromlife Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 My 1st post to this site was almost a year ago. It is titled Lied, Cheated, Destroyed Rep, Need to Rebuild under this same Infidelity section in March of 06' & I posted as a "Guest". Last year, my H and I were preparing to give our marriage another try after 8 months of separation. I received a few replies that basically gave me the advice to tell my H about a relationship that I had while we were separated. I chose to ignore this advice. Until yesterday...I was perfectly content with my decision to never tell him. Suprisingly, no one has told my H about my "affair". I have even found out that more people are aware of it than I thought. Still, my "secret" has been kept quiet. Ever since my H moved back our marriage has been far, far from perfect & I am almost sure that we will most likely end up getting a D. Most of the issues we had before our separation are still there. For now, however, I am living away from my H & daughter due to my job. I will not be living with them for another 8 months & have already been gone for almost 4. Although we have many problems in our marriage, I have not cheated or do I plan on doing anything to disrespect our marriage while I am away & we are still married. To the point..... I received an e-mail from my H 2 days ago that was basically just like any other e-mail telling me about his weekend, until...I read that he had gone over to my next door neighbors house to pick up our daughter. My neighbor invited him in for pizza that she had just ordered & told him that her H (who is a former coworker of mine) was downstairs with a few friends. My H then proceeded to head downstairs to see what they were up to. It turns out that my neighbor was downstairs playing cards with the OM that I had been involved with during our 8 month separation last yr & 3 other guys(all former coworkers of mine) that knew about my & the OM's former relationship. To say the least my heart sank to my stomach when I read the names of the people he said that he had met. My H had & still has know idea who this guy was. Until this weekend he had never met any of the guys there (except of course my neighbor). He has, however, heard their names once or twice before, recognized the OM's name, & told him so after he asked if any of them remembered me. They all told him that of course, they knew who I was because we had hung out before. None of them, though, gave any indication that I was ever anything more than friends with any of them. My H continued to talk with these 4 as he would anyone else, about football & normal general conversation...he then proceeded to have a beer with them while they waited on the pizza, then ate with them before he left. All in all, he was there for about 45 minutes. 45 minutes!!!that he spent in a room full of people that were all thinking the same thing..."this guy has no clue who he talking to & no clue what his wife did with him"...I feel horrible that they all probably got a good laugh or at least chuckle in at his expense after he left. My husband looked like a complete idiot & had no idea. After I read the e-mail I immediately called the OM to get more details about what happened. He said that it was an extremely awkward situation but, he didn't & would never tell him anything. By the way...I still keep in touch with the OM at least 2-3 times per month. And, ever since my H & I have reconciled, my relationship with the OM has not been anything more than friendship. In my H's e-mail & when I talked to him later he said they all seemed like nice people & was just happy that they were all welcoming towards him (my H has not felt welcomed by many of my coworkers since our separation last year because it was on very bad terms). My Question Is... Should I tell my H now?!? It has been almost a year & although we do not talk about the time when we were separated often, I can tell he is curious. Like I said earlier, our marriage is far from strong & we will most likely divorce within the next year...Should I wait until we are divorced to confess? Or, should I let him know now so he is aware of the situation he was put in the other day? I am afraid that my H will run into the OM again & maybe wave hello or say hi & still have no idea who he is talking to. If this happens he will look like a fool. Everything is telling me to just tell him...however, my husband has had a lot of difficulty controlling his emotions lately. He is normally a stong, "guys guy" but I think he has just been under a lot of stress from raising our daughter on his own. I'm afraid that telling him will destroy him. I need him to be as emotionally strong as he can for our daughter who is already having a difficult time with me being away. I'm afraid that he will have an emotional breakdown if I tell him....What do I do?
norajane Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 It's very unfair of everyone to know all about this affair except for your husband. It is terribly unfair for him to have to sit in a room full of people who all know except for him. Most of all, it is extremely unfair of you to take away his ability to make informed choices about his own marriage, his life, and the people in his life. You must tell him now.
Star Gazer Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Did you and your H have any sort of understanding or agreement regarding your intentions to remain faithful during your separation, or were you given the go-ahead to date others during that period of time?
michelangelo Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Save him any more humiliation. He needs to live his life informed about what he up against. What if that OM thought he was there to confront him? What if the OM mouthed off to him about getting some tail off his wife? You know, drunk talk. If you are trying to leave your marriage for good and looking for excuse for your H to sue for divorce then your secretive ways will ensure that. If you want to be married, then move back home, stop the job you have and concentrate on your marriage as if is the most important part of your life. You can get a different job.
Author lrnfromlife Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 Most of all, it is extremely unfair of you to take away his ability to make informed choices about his own marriage, his life, and the people in his life. You must tell him now. My biggest concern is that while he turns his focus on making an informed decision about his life, will he still be focusing on our daughter? I can't help but feel that by waiting I could not only save him the pain of knowing but keep him focused on all the pressure he has going on now. Did you and your H have any sort of understanding or agreement regarding your intentions to remain faithful during your separation, or were you given the go-ahead to date others during that period of time? We did not have any set agreement that we would or would not see other people. I am aware that he went on a few dates & he is aware that I went on a few but, as far as he has told me, he never slept with anyone else. As for the dates that he knows about that I had, I did not sleep with them and he knows that (there are 2 dates I had other than this OM). What if that OM thought he was there to confront him? What if the OM mouthed off to him about getting some tail off his wife? I know that the OM has mouthed off to people about what happened between us. We worked together. At the time of the relationship, I knew of only a handful of people that were aware...however, I found out about 3 months before I left that everyone is my office was aware, but never said anything to me, even a few of our bosses had heard rumors. The good/bad thing about that is that they could not prove it. I am afraid that if I tell my H, that he will confront the OM & it will cause problems with his work which in turn will bring up our inappropriate relationship. If this happens, I could still suffer repercussions because I still work for the same company, just in a different location. If you want to be married, then move back home, stop the job you have and concentrate on your marriage as if is the most important part of your life. You can get a different job. I do not want a different job. I love my job & am almost sure that my H & I will be getting a D. My concern is not saving my marriage. My concern is for his feelings. I already know that regardless if I tell him or not, we will not be together very much longer for other reasons. I do not, however, want him to go through the emotional heartache that telling him will do. What I would like to know is if it is even worth telling him. Would it be worse for him to go on not knowing & to be unaware of what is being said about him behind his back? Or, would it be worse to tell him & break his heart?
Krytellan Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 That whole post makes my skin crawl. I would tell you to stop being any more of a bit** to your husband, but you would ignore it.
jmargel Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Honestly.. why do you even care? You are with the intention of divorcing your husband, and you haven't taken any steps to resolve the marriage. No marriage counseling, no individual counseling. I just can't believe the amount of disrespect you have for someone you were suppose to love. On top of that you have chosen work over your marriage and daughter. To the point that you are gone for over a year? Is it really worth it, to sacrafice your marriage and your daughter for work? Seems like you abandoned them both (your husband and daughter) and to still have contact with this OM, well of course you are setting the path for a divorce. Then you wonder why your husband in so on edge. It's because you have put him there. Congrats. You honestly need a wake up call to re-evaluate your life and your priorities. Get mad at me if you want, but someone has to make you see this harsh reality.
Recommended Posts