katiebour Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 You're welcome, guest. Good luck to you in your life.
abr2683 Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 I truly sympathize with you. I wrote in here last August with the same complaint. I was active on these boards for a long time until a work project took over my life and I am just now coming back. I essentially gave my husband an ultimatum without really meaning for it to be that. I just told him as a simple matter of fact that if we were unable to resolve this issue, divorce was inevitable as I could not live my life like that. He took it to heart and we started having sex again. The only problem is, he's clearly only doing it to appease me. Oh he acts like it was great sometimes, and refers later to it, etc, but when I have suggested trying to make it better, he just either acts insulted, tells me I am being demanding and aggressive, or similar. He has even hinted that my need for sex and making it a "dealbreaker" issue in our marriage makes me shallow and uncommitted. Our current sex life consists of, on mornings when he is willing, him waking me up with "ya wanna", then he maturbates until he is ready, sticks it in and goes to town. Sometimes he will throw in a little dirty talk about how much I want his c**k, etc, but that's about it. Then he gets up and gets ready for work. But lately, the frequency is diminishing and there is this elephant in the room in the mornings after some days have gone by, and I know for a fact that he is having physical release about every other day, whether with me or on his own. I have spent enough time on this board and searching my soul to know that I am not some kind of dirty-minded freak to need intimacy in my life. And I do mean physical and emotional intimacy. I got lots of good advice when I first posted and with that advice and ongoing observation have come to realize that my husband has no physical problem and is not disinterested in sex in general. The truth is, I am certain, is that he simply prefers to masturbate. He won't admit it as I suppose that sounds like it is some sort of perversion or at least dysfunction. To me, it seems that it is just a simple matter that this is the easy lazy, self-serving way out for him and I think he resents this "pressure" to have to perform for or please me. If he would admit to it, then perhaps we could work on a viable solution together. But no, one day it is my fault, the next it's not, one day it is just a lack of opportunity, the next it is I am too mean to him. Blah blah blah. So I admit that I am starting to have thoughts of an outside lover. I really don't want to go there, but the thought of the current situation being "as good as it gets" for the rest of my life just totally crushes my spirit. I am not young anymore, I am 48, but people think I am much younger and I still look good - last time someone guessed my age, they guessed 32!! But time and gravity are going to get me eventually and I am thinking maybe I need to strike while the iron is still warm if not hot!!! I hate thinking this way, but I have done everything else I can think of to try to repair this within the marriage and nothing seems to help. I would never have thought of this six months ago, but I guess things change. I don't know. It certainly sounds like a dangerous road, but I guess what I am trying to say is that it is a big enough need in life that I can see someone making this choice. I am blathering because I was hoping for some this morning and didn't get it and am in a total funk over it!! Anyway my heart goes out to you and I hope you find a better solution than to find someone else...!! Luvstarved - I saw so much of my relationship in your post. I too have the exact same situation. I gave mine an ultimatum also and he hit the roof and said that marriage is not all about sex and I have to "get over it". Please tell me what has been happening in your situation.
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