Sexless Marriage For The Nth Time!!!!

[riobikini]

re:

 

PonderingFar: "H grew up in a dysfunctional family or a lack of family ...his half bro..battered him. He grew up alone no paternal model at all. Having gone through a very complicated childhood and developmental years....

 

"I have given up on teaching him by example how to be sweet, thoughtful and affectionate."

 

 

 

PonderingFar, I think it was Carl Jung who said something to the effect of, " People coming together is like a chemical reaction -two cannot converge in contact without some reaction."

 

(Smile)

 

I'm just going by memory, here, with that statement -I'm not sure of the exact wording (and I *hope* I have the author correct) but the idea is clear: change *always* happens with contact.

 

Likewise, your husband has, certainly, been changed by his contact with you -perhaps in ways both *you* and *he* have not yet recognized.

 

Whether you remain married or not, the effects of the example you gave to each other, although, each example given might have been the polar opposite of the other- will change how each of you view many, many things concerning your future.

 

Remember that even the so-called "negative" things you have experienced and learned from, can become guides in avoiding the wrong paths, and that the wisdom you gain is not yours to keep, but should be a very important kind of "inheritance" you pass on to your children (as well as others).

 

Keep all the information you convey to them as truthful, and as honest as you've come to know it, and if your next actions and decisions turn out to be those that, eventually, free you from your "jail" - you'll be able to thank yourself, later, for dealing so openly with yourself, your children -and everyone.

 

And one day -so will they.

 

-Rio

[hopeto]

I will tell you I have had the very same problem, I have been with my husband for 18 years and I will tell you it was that way when we first meet. it was once a week then it was once every two weeks then once a month then once every 2-3 months to I was lucky to get it once in every 6 mths. Here is the problem.. He is addicted to porn and says I am fat and nasty.

 

I was devasted when I found out the worst of it and that was he was masterbating off of Child Porn. I never in a millon years thought he wold ever stoop that low. and yelp compared to a 9 year little girl I would be fat. I am not even sure of is this the same person I even married. so I would tell you to do some more digging and see what if anything isin the way. hope you work it out.

[riobikini]

re:

 

hopeto: " I was devasted when I found out the worst of it and that was he was masterbating off of Child Porn. "

 

Doesn't sound good, HT.

 

If you are still married to this man, I suggest handling that problem with the (seriously thorough and comprehensive) help of the appropriate therapist.

 

Addiction to child porn doesn't just erupt overnight -and I think the danger with this particular *type* of addiction is documented well enough to merit caution on your part.

 

With most types of porn, it's all fun-and-games until it deals with child porn.

 

If you have children, (either yours or any with whom he has contact) I trust you are close enough to them to allow for anything they might need to communicate to you, and that you are knowlegeable and aware of signs of sexual abuse, just as a precaution; (personally, I think *every* adult should know these signs).

 

Please take my advice seriously -and don't let this "sleeping dog" lie until you learn more and know whether or not there are real risks involved.

 

-Rio

[Island Girl]

He's been to the doctor and found to have low testosterone, yet he won't take the medication to fix the problem.

 

Have you tried slipping it to him in something he eats? - I'd do what I had to, I mean, come on right?!!

 

We are all sexual beings and while we have different levels of that need it should sex should still be present in a marriage.

 

I can't believe what all of you are going through. It would make me completely crazy. -- I'm already very high maintenance and prone to 'temper tantrums' for lack of a better term.

 

All of you are correct - not wrong in any way. It is a basic human need and a natural physical want to be close to someone and feel attractive and loved in a sexual way.

 

I wish I could say something to help.

 

And by the way to those who have lamented going bald --- Bald is so attractive to me now. It wasn't when I was younger but now vava vooom!

[houston675]

I have been married for a little over 2 years to a beautiful woman. She has not been intimate with me for months. This is a real blow to my ego and I do not know what to do. Even on those rare occasions we do have sex she does not seem interested in it at all and wants me to “wrap it up”.

 

I have purchased numerous books regarding “sexless marriages” and yet she does not want to read them.

We have discussed the lack of intimacy many times but she only becomes defensive saying “I would not marry you if I was not attracted to you”.

 

Does anybody have any suggestions or comments?

[Desperate HH]

My first posting here, though I have been lurking for a while.

 

Houston asked for some suggestions - first off, you are NOT the first person to deal with this! There is a lot of good information (and some not so good) in the history of this board, and on a number of sites.

 

I'm not sure of the etiquette of posting other fora here, but I'll take a chance and list a few I have found (and will have no problem if somebody tells me this is a no-no!)

 

Sexless Marriage Support Group -- informal discussion board, with little or no "professional" participation or moderators. Generally good-natured club of people who are unhappy with their lot: http://p080.ezboard.com/bsexlessmarriage

 

The Marriage Bed Sexual Refusal Forum -- a Fundamentalist Christian discussion board, which starts with the premise that "sexual refusal" by a spouse is immoral - a sin. Significant participation by people who appear to be clergy or counselors. If you are not put off by the religious angle, there can be good insights.

http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/viewforum.php?f=29

 

Aphrodite's Discussion Forums includes a good board on Female Sexuality which has addressed this issue at length. Moderated by women with high "normal" libidos.

http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=3&page=1

 

All of these boards, like Loveshack, have extensive archives.

 

DHH

[houston675]

I am glad I am not alone with this. It is very painful to be married to a such a beautiful women and yet she has no interest in being intimate. She gives me a hug and a peck on the cheek and that is it. I know a marriage is based on more than this but I still feel it is important.

 

I will log on to those sites and take the good and bad advice.

[jmargel]

houston.. i'm in the same boat as you. married 3 years this august. I joke with her and called it 'false advertising', since before we got married we had sex all the time.

 

It slowly dwindled to once a week, once every two weeks, now its around once a month and that's after she drinks too much on a sat. night. The last time we had sex I couldn't even orgasm because it just felt like she wanted it for the physical purpose. When she wants it, she gets it.. It's not so much the sex, but the feeling of being wanted. Us men equate sex with love, emotionally and the one thing we only do w/ the person we are married to doesn't want it.. Well, that's when things start to go sour.

 

Part of the problem is our partners get so comfortable with us, that they take us for granted. It's just not the sex, it's the affection. I could deal with not much sex, IF the affection was there. You get tired of being the first to initiate the hug, the kiss or the kind words. The feeling of having to start everything is just tiring.

 

What makes it worse is that the women I dated before my wife wanted sex right from the start. I have had numerous women come up to me after I got married, and one in particular made it known what she would do. You start to miss that feeling you had when you were first with them, when they were so excited to do new things and just look forward to seeing how you would react to the little things they do.

 

When you tried everything you can possibly think of it basically comes down to whether or not you are willing to accept this as a way of life. It hurts though because this is the person that knows you best and is suppose to care about your feelings, yet they seem to neglect one of the biggest needs that we have.

[houston675]

Jmargel.,

 

Everything you said is exactly what I deal with everyday. It hurts and I do not know if I can take it forever. I miss intimacy and as you said the "pity f___K". I am going on 4 months without any intimacy-well there was a moment in the shower but nothing happened.

 

how do you do it? How do you stay faithful?

 

What are you going to do?

 

I drank too much for about a year but have that under control. I was drowning out the sadness but becoming an alcoholic and losing my liver is not worth it. LOL

 

But, I am noticing women-I hate myself for it but do look at them and when I am out-for a couple of drinks-I respond to the flirting and women being attracted to me.

 

 

I hope I can keep it going.

 

Thanks again.

[Mr. Lucky]

how do you do it? How do you stay faithful?

I think that you bust your butt to try and make your marriage work, putting your heart and soul into it. You try every avenue - counseling, ultimatums, negotiation, etc. - to make it work. And failing that, you get out.

 

What you don't do is create one mess by cheating while you're trying to deal with another one at home. But that's just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[houston675]

You are right. I am not going to cheat. I am just being obvious about the temptation. I have enough problems on my hand and then ruin a marriage.

 

But thank you for being direct Mr. Lucky. I agree with you.

[houston675]

You are right.But, I am not going to cheat. I am just being frank about the temptations out there in the world I have enough problems on my hand and then ruin a marriage.

 

But thank you for being direct Mr. Lucky. I agree with you.

[Scrivdog]

That's sensible advice if you don't have kids together .. but it's a whole other issue when you do.

 

I think that you bust your butt to try and make your marriage work, putting your heart and soul into it. You try every avenue - counseling, ultimatums, negotiation, etc. - to make it work. And failing that, you get out.

 

What you don't do is create one mess by cheating while you're trying to deal with another one at home. But that's just my opinion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guest]

Same here, my parents were married for 44yrs before my dad past away in may. My mom is a train wreak w/o him. I cant say i would feel the same if she were to go. Sad but true, and its not cause i dont love her, i do. They did everything ( my parents)for each other, not to ssay they didnt argue, but i never sseen my dad frustrated like i am. Its all the rejection and no effort on her part. I can remember her working a 10 or 11 hr. day and i felt bad. So i went and got a bottle of wine and made dinner, made her a bubble bath with candles and took my son out for the night. I cant remember the last time she did anything for me like that. Sometimes little things go a long way. And i wasnt even looking for sex when i did this, it was compassion and love and concern. The sex would have been a nice thank you even if it was a few days later, but nothing. And venting on this site to people who understand seems to help some. I dont know,she makes me feel like im perverted or sick, like im not normal. OMG Im going to lose my mind..... Sorry

 

 

I honestly feel for you, however, I was once like your wife. I was bothered by sex and really didn't understand that my husband needed it. I am pretty young, married young, and I guess I honestly didn't know.

 

I started listening to Dr. Laura, and my entire preception regarding sex has changed. I now understand that sex is a way of my husband feeling loved. I feel loved by our conversations and cuddling. I'm for filled that way, and didn't realize that it wasn't enough for my husband. Now, I go out of my way to forfill my husband's needs, and honestly, if it were up just to me, I'd be a 2-3 times a month occasion at most.

 

Try the book.. proper caring and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura. It really changed my entire attitude about marriage, men and sex.

[Lackoluv]

Thanks, i think just the name of the book would turn her off. I think she is narsistic, hope i spelled that right. I shouldnt need sex to be happy she says. It seems hopeless. I sometimes cry, sad for a 6-1, 220 lbs. guy to cry, it must be an aweful site,LOL. But im sad and hurt.

[pricillia]

I think that sexual compatibility is important, Pondering... you said that you felt lonely from day 1 and got married for fear of being alone.

 

You are not going crazy sex and intamacy is an important part of a relationship.

 

I am not sure what your relationship is like with your husband but what is ever hot with him?

[pricillia]

Thanks, i think just the name of the book would turn her off. I think she is narsistic, hope i spelled that right. I shouldnt need sex to be happy she says. It seems hopeless. I sometimes cry, sad for a 6-1, 220 lbs. guy to cry, it must be an aweful site,LOL. But im sad and hurt.

 

 

I have to ask are you for real? Or are you just trying to make us feel sorry for you in order to manipulate and gain some leverge in the "hooking up area"

 

But I do believe that a women should make her man happy but it also goes both ways

[Lackoluv]

I have to ask are you for real? Or are you just trying to make us feel sorry for you in order to manipulate and gain some leverge in the "hooking up area"

 

But I do believe that a women should make her man happy but it also goes both ways

I really feel like telling you to F***-off Priscilla. How dare you accuse me of that. I came here to vent and it was working, thanks.......

[jmargel]

Jmargel.,

 

Everything you said is exactly what I deal with everyday. It hurts and I do not know if I can take it forever. I miss intimacy and as you said the "pity f___K". I am going on 4 months without any intimacy-well there was a moment in the shower but nothing happened.

 

how do you do it? How do you stay faithful?

 

What are you going to do?

 

I drank too much for about a year but have that under control. I was drowning out the sadness but becoming an alcoholic and losing my liver is not worth it. LOL

 

But, I am noticing women-I hate myself for it but do look at them and when I am out-for a couple of drinks-I respond to the flirting and women being attracted to me.

 

 

I hope I can keep it going.

 

Thanks again.

 

Sorry, didn't realize you sent a reponse to my post.

 

With my situation it's getting harder each month. I can almost pinpoint the exact day that sex will happen with my wife, which is right after her period. There's a small window of opportunity where she is 'in the mood' enough to want to do it.

 

As for being faithful.. It's hard. Like you I find myself looking at other women (which you should not feel guilty about) and finding that her female friends are now getting closer to me. They seem to be calling my cell instead of hers, and have complimented me quite a few times. We had an agrument this past saturday about this.. Telling her about the lack of sex and her reply was that 'she doesn't need it'. I told her, I do. That it's not even about sex, but the lack of affection. When you are the inititator of all affection (I can't honestly remember when she came up and kissed me) it gets very tiring.

 

The longest without sex has been a month. I would have to admit after 4 months without sex, and if she was unwilling to budge or goto counseling to figure out what is wrong I would really distance myself away. Distancing yourself is a way of defense so you toughen yourself up so you don't feel the hurt as much. It's a natural instinct to do this.

 

What other problems are in this marriage? What are *you* getting out of this marriage besides aggrovation? Marriage is more than just an agreement on paper. If she's not willing to put 100% into this marriage then it won't work. It will slowly break apart. Sex, affection, intimacy is a huge factor in marriage. I don't see how some people can overlook such a huge thing such as this. When your partner feels rejected all of the time, especially by the person they love, things will start to fall apart. Like I told my wife this weekend, there are women in this world in a lot worse situation then her, and would be more than willing to take her place. This wasn't a threat that I was going to cheat, but just a little wake-up call, in that if you take me for granted, you will lose me.

[katiebour]

What would happen if you wrote your S/O a letter, containing exactly what you have written here:

 

1. I miss the sex in our marriage

2. It's not just the sex, it's the affection and being wanted

3. I'm tired of bugging you about it, feeling rejected and uncared-for

4. If you're only doing it to please me, I don't enjoy it

5. Your refusal to work on this is making me unhappy

6. It's getting to the point where divorce or adultery are starting to look like options

 

Sometimes it's hard to remember what you wanted to say in the heat of the moment.

 

For some of you this might provoke a confrontation that you are afraid of, leading to options listed in #6. For some of you it might lead to a temporary resolution of the problem, for some of you, it might actually lead to a permanent solution.

 

But in my opinion you need to lay it all out on the table- be honest with where you are at and what you are feeling, and approach with courage the results of that conversation.

 

My first b/f and I had a decent 3-year relationship that decayed into a resentful partnership where sex was infrequent and one-sided, where affection was non-existent, and where anger and frustration were the currency of the day.

 

I confronted him with these problems, laid it out, and suffered a traumatic (at the time) breakup.

 

6 years later I don't miss him.

 

I have a b/f now who is open to constant communication and feedback, with whom I have a loving and affectionate relationship with constant kissing and smooching just to show that we care, where lovemaking occurs several times a week and is loving, passionate, satisfying and occasionally kinky.

 

In my search for a more compatible partner (whom yes, I did find over the internet, or should I say he found me on MySpace) I laid out exactly what I wanted, including affection, regular sex, communication, and a host of other "wants" that I had in my life. We fulfill each other on most of our "wants" and when we don't we talk about it.

 

The 3 year relationship between my first and my current started out much the same as my current one, loving, open communication, frequent lovemaking, but then slowly became more and more like the end of the first.

 

We had problems in the relationship, financial and emotional, and it finally took another confrontation and demanding of honesty from me before he admitted that he "loved me but wasn't in love with me" and that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I kept thinking after the breakup that "I should have kept my mouth shut" because the loss was so painful.

 

Although it still hurts from time to time, I am much happier in my current relationship than in either of the two previous. I now understand that problems in the relationship often wend their way into bed, and oftentimes a disinterest in sex really reflects a desire to get out of the relationship. But oftentimes that person doesn't want to be "the bad guy" and will make your life so miserable that you will do the breaking up and save them the guilt.

 

I guess the bottom line for me is:

 

Don't stay in an unhappy relationship just because you are afraid of being alone. You never know what or who might be around the corner for you, and you will be happier as a single who can find some hot monkey sex from a willing temporary partner than as a spouse trapped in a marriage where it's either get what you can when they offer it or you can't have any.

 

Love-making is just that- the expression of desire, the giving and receiving of affection and caring, the satisfying of mutual needs in a deeply erotic and loving way.

 

Don't deny yourself that FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE because you are afraid to leave a bad relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

What other problems are in this marriage? What are *you* getting out of this marriage besides aggrovation? Marriage is more than just an agreement on paper. If she's not willing to put 100% into this marriage then it won't work. It will slowly break apart. Sex, affection, intimacy is a huge factor in marriage. I don't see how some people can overlook such a huge thing such as this. When your partner feels rejected all of the time, especially by the person they love, things will start to fall apart. Like I told my wife this weekend, there are women in this world in a lot worse situation then her, and would be more than willing to take her place. This wasn't a threat that I was going to cheat, but just a little wake-up call, in that if you take me for granted, you will lose me.

jmargel, is there anything you have left to do or try, any stone left unturned in your efforts to bing some intimacy, sexual or otherwise, to your marriage?

 

If the answer is "no", doesn't even seem like there is a decision to make. It would seem that it has been made for you

 

Mr. Lucky

[jmargel]

Honestly I don't know if I 'turned over every stone'. Although what I am trying to do is to find a reason why it's happening. For some odd reason it seems to happen alot in relationships, especially after marriage. That one spouse either loses interest or the relationship goes stale.

 

She has other issues that needs addressed as well and it is disheartening that she won't see a psychologist. She knows she needs help but gives stupid reasons for not going such as 'others will find out and think I am a nut', which I tried to convince her otherwise but failed.

 

I just miss the old her. The woman I fell head over heels for. I can still see some of that 'old her' still there.. I guess that's what is keeping me here trying and I do still love her. Though at some point soon she is going to have to do something or the relationship won't last.

[Lackoluv]

Wow katiebour, That was heavy. I think it was about the best advice i heard in along time. It really is,and its so true. Its just alot tougher when theres a child involved. I really appriceate your opion, thank you!

[katiebour]

You're welcome, Lackoluv- I think that a lot of pain people go through on these forums comes from trying to fix the unfixable, or by wanting to fix something and not knowing how.

 

Honesty is still the best policy in my opinion, and laying things out for the other person gives them the choice to either be a willing, loving participant in the mending of the relationship, or if they are unwilling or unable to do so, to be honest about it and stop causing you pain.

 

I understand that children form a lifelong bond between you and your SO, and that even if the marriage ends, a relationship of some sort must continue because you will be thrown together at all sorts of school-related events, swapping your child every other weekend, going to the wedding when they get older, etc.

 

For me, one of my earliest memories is waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of my mother and father yelling at each other. I walked into the living room and said officiously (for a 3-year old) "can you guys stop yelling? I can't sleep." They put me back to bed but the yelling continued, finally cumulating in the end of their marriage. I remember my father writing my mother tearful, multi-page letters begging her to come back.

 

But then he met my stepmother, they fell in love, got married 6 months later, and have been ecstatically married for 20 years this year. They still kiss, hug, smooch and do all the newlywed stuff. They have a wonderful, loving relationship- the kind my own biological parents could never manage.

 

I have seen the end of an unhappy relationship lead to the perfect relationship- so for me if it's unfixable it's better for both people to end it cleanly so that they can find the person just for them.

[Guest]

Katie, you have said just what I needed to hear. Thanks.