forbidden fruit Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I was in NC with my MM and because we live so close to each other and honestly we both can't stop seeing each other so NC has been impossible. We are both married as many know from my previous threads. I keep thinking my feelings are stronger than his and he says no they are just as strong .He just has a different way of dealing with them. So my mm poses a question to me. Why do you want me to leave if in fact you are not ready to leave. I know that is true but something does not seem right about that question. If neither one us is ready to leave . What do we have just a FWB situation. Why everytime we meet do I feel so terrible about not being able to be with him all the time and he feels terrible about hurting everyone. I guess he could not feel that bad if he keeps coming back. I give him so much grief . So my second question is he so hard up that he will put up with all my grief? He told me not to be so bitter about the situation and I definately do not know what to say about that. Do I just want him to say he would leave in the future. Well he has done that, but then says he does not have a crystal ball. I guess I am back on the rollercoaster . Are we both addicted to each other because it certainly feels that way.
Meaplus3 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I was in NC with my MM and because we live so close to each other and honestly we both can't stop seeing each other so NC has been impossible. We are both married as many know from my previous threads. I keep thinking my feelings are stronger than his and he says no they are just as strong .He just has a different way of dealing with them. So my mm poses a question to me. Why do you want me to leave if in fact you are not ready to leave. I know that is true but something does not seem right about that question. If neither one us is ready to leave . What do we have just a FWB situation. Why everytime we meet do I feel so terrible about not being able to be with him all the time and he feels terrible about hurting everyone. I guess he could not feel that bad if he keeps coming back. I give him so much grief . So my second question is he so hard up that he will put up with all my grief? He told me not to be so bitter about the situation and I definately do not know what to say about that. Do I just want him to say he would leave in the future. Well he has done that, but then says he does not have a crystal ball. I guess I am back on the rollercoaster . Are we both addicted to each other because it certainly feels that way. Hi FB, YES! You are both addicted to each other! I realize how difficult it is to remain with total NC in your situation because it's so much like mine. My therapist told me that in reality it's next to impossible for me to have zero contact with XMM since he is so close and our children are always together. So yes, their might be times when I will see him out and about, or perhaps speak with him or his W in regards to our children, but that should be it. Very minimal contact. Breaking the addiction to Xmm came for me by not calling all the time like I used to, this broke the cycle of addiction. I guess you just have to figure out what it is you want from this relationship?? I may not be the best source of advice for you but I can relate FB, I truely can. Hang in there. AP:)
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 The more you continue to make this affair an emotional obligation to the MM, the further you will push him away. He is tolerating it now because the fear of losing you outweighs his discomfort level with you. As soon as those scales tip, though - you'll be out of the picture.
Meaplus3 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 The more you continue to make this affair an emotional obligation to the MM, the further you will push him away. He is tolerating it now because the fear of losing you outweighs his discomfort level with you. As soon as those scales tip, though - you'll be out of the picture. LucrezizBorgia! Exactly! Now why could I not figure out how to say what you just did? This is what happened to me. It got to close for comfort with XMM and that is exactly why I think XMM issued the final NC. Thank's for your word's this morning I needed to hear them. AP
riobikini Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 re: " Why is it so easy for the MM to go home?" Responding only to your titled question -for the *same* reason he finds it difficult to totally cut off the marital relationship, in the first place: a different kind of *acceptance* than is offered with the affair, fear of the heretofar unthought-of risks involved, and the comfort of familiarity. -Rio
YoMomma Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 " Why is it so easy for the MM to go home?" Because that's where he lives with his family! Think of it like this, his family is the main entree - and being with you is just his dessert. I know reality stinks sometimes! ;)
WildKittySub Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 As the MW, I can tell you, its not always "easy" to go home. There is a "readjustment" time needed to get your head back into the family. We are all capable of loving more than one person. I don't understand why people don't get this. We love all of our kids, even if we have more then one. But, going home is something married people have to do. He may love you, I can't tell you that, but his LIFE is at home with his family. Easy on him or not, he has to go back there.
Meredith63 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 of not making your affair "an emotional obligation" to you MM? What is that? Our A was certainly an emotional obligation to my MM, as it was to me. It was an R, just like any other, with responsibilities and obligations. I never looked at my EMR as anything but that. If he was enough of a "big boy" to be having an A with me, then he'd better be enough of a "big boy" to meet my emotional needs. Why settle for anything less? If your emotional needs overwhelm the man, time to move on.
frannie Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 of not making your affair "an emotional obligation" to you MM? What is that? Our A was certainly an emotional obligation to my MM, as it was to me. It was an R, just like any other, with responsibilities and obligations. I never looked at my EMR as anything but that. If he was enough of a "big boy" to be having an A with me, then he'd better be enough of a "big boy" to meet my emotional needs. Why settle for anything less? If your emotional needs overwhelm the man, time to move on. I have to agree with this point of view. I wouldn't be in my affair if it wasn't meeting my emotional needs. I can't see why he would either. Yes, it's an affair, but it's still a relationship! That whole angle goes along with the 'crumbs from the table' 'it's her he loves' 'you're just the dessert' point of view which is everywhere on this board. It suits some people to believe that, that is all.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I understand NC is hard seeing as you two are neighbours, but you do not have to hang out with him OR have "personal" conversations with him. You can be neighbourly, say hello and walk away. DO NOT cross the lines. I must have missed something, I thought you two were over and he was acting like a big jerk to you...
Salicious Crumb Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I was in NC with my MM and because we live so close to each other and honestly we both can't stop seeing each other so NC has been impossible. We are both married as many know from my previous threads. I keep thinking my feelings are stronger than his and he says no they are just as strong .He just has a different way of dealing with them. So my mm poses a question to me. Why do you want me to leave if in fact you are not ready to leave. I know that is true but something does not seem right about that question. If neither one us is ready to leave . What do we have just a FWB situation. Why everytime we meet do I feel so terrible about not being able to be with him all the time and he feels terrible about hurting everyone. I guess he could not feel that bad if he keeps coming back. I give him so much grief . So my second question is he so hard up that he will put up with all my grief? He told me not to be so bitter about the situation and I definately do not know what to say about that. Do I just want him to say he would leave in the future. Well he has done that, but then says he does not have a crystal ball. I guess I am back on the rollercoaster . Are we both addicted to each other because it certainly feels that way. Question..why the hell don't both of you just get a divorce instead of betraying your spouses?
sadbuttrue Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 sc, why do you keep forcing divorce on people? you did not choose to divorce your cheating wife.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Sc's wife isn't cheating anymore. If she was, then he wouldn't be married to her, I'm pretty sure he'd get a divorce. FF is still active atleast emtionally with her MM, so the affair is still going on, even if her husband has no clue.
Author forbidden fruit Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 We both cannot divorce right now. Between us we have very small children and also because of financial reasons. If we were going to leave we would have to combine families and that would be very expensive and also we have to think how it would mess up the kids. We are trying to work through these issues. As the man he feels like he would have to support everyone even though that is not true. He is pretty old school. He is also afraid he will not get custody of his kids. He is afraid if we move out of state he would never see them. See it is very complicated it is just not a matter of NC and never talking to him. While I would like it to be easy it is not. He says for me to be normal and not get so bitter for right now, but it is so hard because I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am so torn between my family life and my time with him.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 of not making your affair "an emotional obligation" to you MM? What is that? Let's word it another way, where "obligation" means "pain in the ass". As soon as the "relationship" becomes more of a pain in the ass than its worth then the MM will move on. In the original post: I give him so much grief. can definitely fall in the category of "pain in the ass" (ie: emotional obligation). MM does not want or need "grief" from his OW. All he wants is some simple escapism: sex, passion, conversation, etc. No heavy emotional crap. Laying on the heavy stuff does nothing but cause the MM to feel guilt over not leaving his W, which in turn causes the MM to start being defensive - and if that doesn't work, then you'll get the old "I need space" routine. Right now this particular MM is trying to get Forbidden Fruit to stop laying on the heavy stuff. He still comes around, because the enjoyment he gets from being with her outweighs the "pain in the ass" factor. On some level, his needs are being taken care of. As soon as her needs start outweighing his, he'll be outta there. MM don't get into affairs to satisfy someone else's needs. They do it to satisfy their own.
frannie Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Let's word it another way, where "obligation" means "pain in the ass". As soon as the "relationship" becomes more of a pain in the ass than its worth then the MM will move on. In the original post: can definitely fall in the category of "pain in the ass" (ie: emotional obligation). MM does not want or need "grief" from his OW. All he wants is some simple escapism: sex, passion, conversation, etc. No heavy emotional crap. Laying on the heavy stuff does nothing but cause the MM to feel guilt over not leaving his W, which in turn causes the MM to start being defensive - and if that doesn't work, then you'll get the old "I need space" routine. Right now this particular MM is trying to get Forbidden Fruit to stop laying on the heavy stuff. He still comes around, because the enjoyment he gets from being with her outweighs the "pain in the ass" factor. On some level, his needs are being taken care of. As soon as her needs start outweighing his, he'll be outta there. MM don't get into affairs to satisfy someone else's needs. They do it to satisfy their own. That might be the case with some affairs partners. It might be the case with FF, but not necessarily. You can't know what he's thinking, and while he might be thinking and feeling some of what you say, a lot of what you say depends on making assumptions. Yes, I would say that for anyone, in affairs or not, as soon as the relationship becomes "more of a pain in the ass than it's worth", they will move on. So that is really stating the obvious. Some people hang on for longer than others, some people have more patience, need of stability or whatever, that's all. "MM don't have affairs to satisfy others needs, they do it to satisfy their own"... well again, people go into relationships, and stay in relationships, because of their own needs. Part of that should also include satisfying your partner's needs. MM as a category are no different to any other group of people: some people think about and address their partner's needs, some people don't. Some husbands don't satisfy their partner's needs, some wives don't. Some people who never married do, and don't satisfy anyone's needs but their own. There is no special group of people called MM who ALL only think of their own needs and have no clue how to have a relationship. "MM want simple escapism... no "grief"" Again, a generalisation. Yes, it applies to a lot of MM, but yes, it also applies to a lot of other people too. MM can and do put up with a lot of 'grief' from their OW. I should know A MM in fact MAY have to jump through a lot of hoops to keep their OW happy. Mine does. No one gets to be in a relationship with another human being for very long without giving back something, and meeting their needs in some way. In fact, it could be argued that a MM has to try harder with his OW than with his W, since the marriage can go on long after all feelings are dead and buried, while an affair certainly will not. So, there is no reason why FF's MM is most definitely not thinking of her needs, isn't calling because he just wants fluff and no grief, or any of those things. I'm not saying that you're not right in this case, because not calling is a really bad sign! BUT what I'm saying is that your assumptions about MM in affairs are not true for all circumstances. And so we cannot know for certain why he's not calling.
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