waitingforlove Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Hi, everyone, I'm really disappointed. I need to vent. I've been going out with this guy for almost three months now, and he still doesn't want to "get serious." I mean, by his definition, we are STILL not exclusive. He says it takes him a long time to get serious with someone -- that's something he has been saying since we first started going out. I asked him how long he needed, just so I would have some idea. He said he didn't know. So I'm left with no idea AT ALL if he would EVER want to become serious with me. He just likes "having fun," as he puts it. He says he "really likes going out with me," but he doesn't see himself getting married in the next five years. I'm 30 and I've always wanted to have a family. Now I'm stucked because I really like him and don't want to lose him. Yet in staying with him, I'm going to have to give up my lifelong dreams of having a family. After a series of discussions (he knows that having a family is important to me), he still says he can't give me what I want, but he doesn't want us to break up either. At the same time, he's also saying that he doesn't want me to give up my dreams! I don't know what to think anymore. So our "tentative conclusion" is that we should just "keep doing what we've been doing," and "see how it goes"!!!! At this point, I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or just wanting to "get it out" anymore .... I think I probably will never get married because I keep running into guys who don't want to commit ..... Sometimes I really can't decide what's worse: Is it worse to marry someone you don't love who loves you and commits to you, so that you can have a family; or is it worse to stay with someone you really like who doesn't want to commit to you? I've been crying a lot these few days; I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I'm even trying to convince myself that I should just give up my dreams of having a family in order that we can stay together and continue to "have fun" as he likes. I also like him very much and don't want to leave him, but his lack of commitment is really hurting me ....
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Hi, everyone, I'm really disappointed. I need to vent. I've been going out with this guy for almost three months now, and he still doesn't want to "get serious." I mean, by his definition, we are STILL not exclusive. He says it takes him a long time to get serious with someone -- that's something he has been saying since we first started going out. I asked him how long he needed, just so I would have some idea. He said he didn't know. So I'm left with no idea AT ALL if he would EVER want to become serious with me. He just likes "having fun," as he puts it. He says he "really likes going out with me," but he doesn't see himself getting married in the next five years. I'm 30 and I've always wanted to have a family. Now I'm stucked because I really like him and don't want to lose him. Yet in staying with him, I'm going to have to give up my lifelong dreams of having a family. After a series of discussions (he knows that having a family is important to me), he still says he can't give me what I want, but he doesn't want us to break up either. At the same time, he's also saying that he doesn't want me to give up my dreams! I don't know what to think anymore. So our "tentative conclusion" is that we should just "keep doing what we've been doing," and "see how it goes"!!!! At this point, I don't even know if I'm asking for advice or just wanting to "get it out" anymore .... I think I probably will never get married because I keep running into guys who don't want to commit ..... Sometimes I really can't decide what's worse: Is it worse to marry someone you don't love who loves you and commits to you, so that you can have a family; or is it worse to stay with someone you really like who doesn't want to commit to you? I've been crying a lot these few days; I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I'm even trying to convince myself that I should just give up my dreams of having a family in order that we can stay together and continue to "have fun" as he likes. I also like him very much and don't want to leave him, but his lack of commitment is really hurting me .... Why are you so focused on marriage at just 3 months?? By waiting to see where the relationship leads, you're not "giving up on your dreams of marriage," UNLESS you wait FOREVER and he's still dragging his feet. That said, when a guy doesn't want to commit, it usually means...drumroll please..."he's just not that into you."
Author waitingforlove Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Star Gazer, You're right; it's only been three months. But the thing is that I'm not forcing him into marriage after three months, but I think something is wrong if after three months, he still thinks it's too early to be exclusive. Also, he's said explicitly that he would not get married in at least five years. By that time, I'll be too old to have a baby anyway. I just feel like by staying with him, I'll never be able to become a mom ever. I think he's just keeping me around because he still likes me right now, but he really doesn't want me to get into his life after all. I wish I could just stop myself from liking him ...
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Star Gazer, You're right; it's only been three months. But the thing is that I'm not forcing him into marriage after three months, but I think something is wrong if after three months, he still thinks it's too early to be exclusive. Also, he's said explicitly that he would not get married in at least five years. By that time, I'll be too old to have a baby anyway. I just feel like by staying with him, I'll never be able to become a mom ever. I think he's just keeping me around because he still likes me right now, but he really doesn't want me to get into his life after all. I wish I could just stop myself from liking him ... You answered your own question. BUT 35 is NOT too old to have a baby!!!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 it sounds like u guys have different plans for the future. he's actually doing u a favor by talking about this up front, before u waste a couple years with him waiting for him commit. if he is not even willing to date u exclusively then maybe u should consider finding someone who u see more of a future with. he's told u flat out that he doesnt want to get married or be committed for a long time, and since for lack of a better phrase "ur biological clock" seems to be ticking, u want to have a family. it doesnt seem like its a serious relationship, from what u've said it doesnt sound like ur in love with him so maybe now is the time to decide what to do. i know u like him but ur goals dont match and as u keep dating and possibly become exclusive its going to become more of an issue. and it will be harder to leave the relationship. if he's saying that he doesnt want to commit anytime soon and u want a man who wants to get married and have children in the near future, then maybe its best u break up. u can find someone who will commit to u, there are plenty out there!
LilDarlin Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Three Months! You are lucky you haven't scared him off. You guys don't even really know each other. The best thing to do is to take it in 6 months intervals. Leave relationship talks out of it. Talk to him again and see how he feels. You are putting undue pressure on a new relationship. Has he started to back away since you started to pressure him? Pressuring men for a commitment is a kiss of death to relationships. Give the poor guy a break.
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I agree with Lauriebelle. When someone tells you who they are and what they are and are not capable of, BELIEVE THEM. He's handing you the red flags. Don't walk around waving them...go find some nice guy with some pretty green flags.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 it doesnt sound like she's pressuring him. i think u should talk about future plans and what ur goals are when entering a relationship. then u can see if ur compatible. but anyway this guy seems like he's telling u flat out what he wants. i mean he's still going to feel the same way 6 months from now, and by then if she found out it he didnt want to commit it would be harder because they may be more serious. talking about marriage and future plans, and actually pressuring ur partner to marry u are two separate things.
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 talking about marriage and future plans, and actually pressuring ur partner to marry u are two separate things. That's a VERY FINE LINE. Saying something like "I want to get married by XXX age" IS pressure. You're basically giving him a deadline. Saying "I want to get married someday on the beach" is not.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 yeah ur right stargazer..but if she wants to get married sooner than that, than maybe it is important that she told him, because in return he told her he didnt so maybe she can find someone else.
Star Gazer Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 yeah ur right stargazer..but if she wants to get married sooner than that, than maybe it is important that she told him, because in return he told her he didnt so maybe she can find someone else. Timelines for the expectation of marriage should NEVER be discussed any earlier than ONE YEAR into a relationship, and even then I think you should have to be on the verge of menopause to justify that sort of pressure.
LilDarlin Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Well, I have to agree with Stargazer. Men say what they mean. Period. He says he is not ready and he is not. He put it out there and she is hoping she will change his mind. They usually don't. But c'mon. Three months is barely even a relationship and he is not even willing to be exclusive. I think I would move on or at least start dating others.
paris38 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I take him at his word. I also believe that when a guy says that, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want marriage and commitment, he just doesn't want it with ME. He isn't becoming exclusive after 3 months because he is keeping himself open to meeting someone he DOES want to commit to, someone who really blows him away. If you are being intimate with him, I would stop that now. I wouldn't be intimate with someone who wasn't monogamous and going out with other women. I would cut my losses with this man and do NC indefinitely. You will meet someone else who really wants you, all of you!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 well i think the bottom line is that u should just move on. this all stemmed from u wanting to be exlusive which is totally different. u guys do want different things obviously, so find someone else.
techgirl Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 i think it's weird that after 3 months he still doesn't want to get serious. i think i'd have to agree that he's just not that interested...
brokenhart2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I'm 30 also and if I date a guy that puts in a situation of not being able to have children, it's BYE BYE. I know how you feel cuz it's my dream too, and no guy will ever be worth giving it up for in my eyes. Knowing you take this risk with him, I would have gotten rid of him already. It's gotta be hard since you like him so much, but do you think he's worth the risk of giving up children? People say "it's only been 3 months", but if your a single 30 yr. old female with baby fever, (like myself), 3 months has potential to be plenty! And if he can't give you a straight answer as to when he might consider committment, well if it was me, I'd be thinking, I don't have time to be f***n around, I need to find a guy who is ready. On a 1st date with a man who was 38, he said he hates kids and didn't want any, so I dumped his *ss right after that. Sounds cruel, maybe, but I think only a woman can understand that...the feeling that you MUST have children and NO ONE better get in the way of that! Lose him. There is also the option to tell him you are going to start seeing other people because you need someone who is more sure of what he wants. This could either lead to breaking up, or to him stringing you along even longer. If you flat out break it off with him, maybe the reality of this would make him think more about getting serious and he might come crawling back...even then he'd better say he's in for the long haul and not for "fun". You also have the option to keep at it and see what develops over the next couple months..but chances are, he won't change his mind. Good luck!
RichC Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 You guys sound like you just want an ambulatory penis. If you are so anxious to have kids why not artificially inseminate? Saves the hassle of actually getting to know someone. What happens if three months is not enough to know each other and you marry and have kids? What kind of environment are the kids going to have? That pressure is a huge red flag for any guy. You really think a guy is going to respond favorably to the "come on already" routine? The clock has deafened you. You better think long and hard about this. Maybe the guy has problems but it also sounds like you want the guy for just one thing...
Star Gazer Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 That pressure is a huge red flag for any guy. You really think a guy is going to respond favorably to the "come on already" routine? The clock has deafened you. Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
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