Why do I feel this way?

[Cub]

I know I shouldn't. After 7 months I should be so far over it that when I look back down all I see is a black speck and yet here I am, posting on loveshack about my ex.

The problem is that I've been dragged into the friend zone, I know that. I don't like it, but at least I can acknowledge the fact that there is about zero chance of anything else now that I'm here.

It's strange too, as only 3 days or so ago I was ok with my new position. Not happy, but I wasn't depressed either. Just empty I suppose. Oh yea, she dumped me for another guy all those months ago after having been with him during our relationship. Basically whenever we would have a fight, she went to him and they got closer until she just decided to get rid of me and go for him. Lovely.

 

Well, that was all well and good, but I guess she feels we've reached the point where she can tell me things about her new relationship. So a couple of days ago, while we were talking, she asks me to tell her a secret. "Well, that was random," is what I thought, but I told her one as she requested, and in return she told me one of hers. Now, I'm the only person who knows she's with this guy because apparently he has some connection to her other friends and if they knew it would hurt one of her friends to know that they were together. I love these high school games, don't you? So what she tells me is that she is no longer a virgin and that she lost it to the guy she left me for.

 

Normally I'd write it off as simple jealousy, but because we are so "close" it might be some other cliche feeling. Regardless, I couldn't help but start shaking like mad. Not with anger, but this really strong sadness that has followed me for the past few days. I mean, of course I can restrain it enough to function because, well, life goes on; I still can't help but be depressed though and people do notice it.

 

I'm off topic though, back to the story: apparently they did it not too long ago and she feels guilty or some such about it then she asked me if I thought any differently about her, ect. That is actually odd because you'd think that if she gave two bits about how I felt about things she would never have hurt me or at least not have told me that she actually had relations with this douche. Then she followed up with some crap about her and him not even being as close as she is with me. I try not to read into it too much because it's probably more lies. I mean, if it was true she would be with me now, right?

 

Anyway, I literally broke down in tears yesterday in public and, as if that wasn't embarrassing enough, did an even greater number on my pillow when I got back home and all because of her and her problems.

 

I don't know what to do now. I did nc for about 3 months to get over her the first time and then we started talking and getting "close" (I use quotations because her use of the word to describe us makes me friendzone sick) and I'm not sure what that would do for me anyway. She'd end up begging for me to talk to her and I'd give in because I can't stand it when she cries and after 7 months I'm not sure if I'll ever get over her. Could someone please tell me something that would help me get over her or win her back or something!?!

 

Thanks for reading:bunny:

[CaliGuy]

Cub, where'd you get that quote? I ask because I say that a lot.

 

As for your issue, you know that you can not be friends with someone you are in love with. She really does think of you like a friend to tell you what she did. My advice will be probably the same as others.

 

Stick to NC.

 

Really, why would you want her back now? She left you for him and was seeing him behind your back, according to you. That's the worst form of disrespect I can imagine. She doesn't respect you.

 

If you want your own self-respect back, break off the friendship. Don't announce it, just do it. Walk away. Don't answer calls or emails. Delete her from IM and your cell phone. Resist any urge to talk to her.

 

Then get out with friends. Find some new hobbies. Start working out. Heck, start playing World of Warcraft (that'll really blow all your free time for sure and you won't be thinking of her, haha).

 

Seriously. Unless you engage your mind in other things it will wander towards her. The longer you keep your mind off of her the more it will become a habit. The more you hang out with friends the better you social skills will become and when you do meet another girl you'll be able to hold a conversation.

 

What's so great about this girl? What can she give you that no other girl can?

[notmakingsense]

I agree with Cali -- you need to take yourself out of the friend zone. Like Cali, I don't think you need some sort of formal announcement -- but if she does confront you, just tell her that you aren't interested in being her "girlfriend", and she should talk about her guy-troubles with her gal pals.

 

In the mean-time, like Cali says, your best bet is to do what it takes to get to the point where you don't give a crap who she is sleeping with. Your self-esteem was damaged by her months ago, and now she kicked you while you are still down -- so get up.

 

Focus on things that will build your self-esteem: Work out so you look hot and get glances, spend time with your best buddies, get out there and socialize as much as you can so that making friends and flirting with women becomes easy for you. Once the confidence is there, the relationships will follow, and before you know it, she'll be a memory that will make you think not much more than "What was her name again?"

[Cub]

I got it from you Cali, lol. I saw you say it somewhere and it's a great quote.

 

But yea, thanks for the advice guys. I think you're probably right: her guy troubles stopped being my troubles when she dumped me for another guy. I guess this whole thing is my fault anyway fro sticking around with her for so long and my inability, no matter how how much I was beating myself over the head and saying I should, to just forget about her and keep it moving with my life.

 

Still, even if I do move on and get over her, is there a chance that we'll ever get back together again, just as friends I mean? I've dated a lot of girls (first time being dumped myself...) and she is by far the most fun to talk to and hang with. I know I shouldn't think about things like that, but I can't help but still wonder.

[notmakingsense]

I got it from you Cali, lol. I saw you say it somewhere and it's a great quote.

 

But yea, thanks for the advice guys. I think you're probably right: her guy troubles stopped being my troubles when she dumped me for another guy. I guess this whole thing is my fault anyway fro sticking around with her for so long and my inability, no matter how how much I was beating myself over the head and saying I should, to just forget about her and keep it moving with my life.

 

Still, even if I do move on and get over her, is there a chance that we'll ever get back together again, just as friends I mean? I've dated a lot of girls (first time being dumped myself...) and she is by far the most fun to talk to and hang with. I know I shouldn't think about things like that, but I can't help but still wonder.

 

I hate to say it, but the chances are slim for a very long time. You need to be fully over her before you can consider something like that. For most guys, that means you have to be head-over-heels with someone new before the old one can be a friend.