Guest Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 For background, my wife and I are continuing counseling through a defined (multi-month) separation. Wh we first decided to get separated, we both (well more she than me) decided that it was ok to date others during the separation with a kind of don't ask - don't tell policy, realizing that discussing each other's dates would only hurt each other further. But that was at a time when we both gave us about a 25% of reconcilliation. Now that the separation is upon us (have living arrangements, furniture separated, etc), we are closer than ever and give us more than a 50% chance of reconcilliation. So, I have a couple of questions: Should we re-visit the dating issue? When can dating during separation actually help the reconcilliation process? PS - live in a no fault state, so if we decide not to date but some one does, really no significant consequence in my mind.
PWSX3 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I think this has been asked many of times and there are probably many answers, but I can give you what I think but again this is just how I feel. Even if you are seperated you are still married, so my question is do you think if you dated wouldn't that be cheating? If you start dating then I feel you are not putting 100% into trying to make your relationship work so if you aren't welling to do that then why separate, just get a divorce, then you can date all you want. Now if you don't want to and she does then maybe she is just trying to get you to agree because she already has someone lined up and is feeling quilty and wants your aproval so it doesn't make her look so bad. You said you are closer now so why put more stress on what is going on. Take a few months off, try to figure out what you can do to make the marriage better and hopefully if she is doing the same then you are both doing positive things. I no when my W moved out dating someone else was the last thing I wanted to do. The guys at work have even told me; this is your free time, go have fun and bang all the chicks you can. I guess I was raised different and even though I have done some bad things in the past I still don't plan on doing that.
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Should we re-visit the dating issue? You said initially that she encouraged you to go out and meet other people. And if this is something you both agreed on, then I don't understand where the "we" part comes in? It's not like you need each other's permission to go on with your lives. As a matter of fact, I can see no reason why you would even want to share this kind of information with her UNLESS: When can dating during separation actually help the reconcilliation process? Oops … there it is. Hoping to dangle some jealously bait in hopes of inspiring a last minute change of heart? Look, dating and meeting other people can be a great way "recover" from a past relationship once you've done the inside emotional work to put the past behind you. But I wouldn't recommend rebound relationships as any sort of "reconciliation" strategy. They don't work. And if you're not in the right head space for it, you'll be a sorry disappointment to any female you're lucky enough to meet. It really wouldn't be fair to string another person along for the sake of making your ex jealous. Why would you want to drag someone else into this uncomfortable situation and deliberately set them up for a world of hurt? I'm not totally against the idea of dating before the divorce is finalized. Particularly in states (such as my own) where the legal separation period is upwards of two years. Some states require more! But only if you are certain that you are done with the marriage and have no desire to reconcile whatsoever. Better to concentrate on readjusting to your new life, and learning to be comfortable being on your own FIRST, before falsely advertising your availability out there on the single's market. You won't have much to bring to the table unless you do.
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