Distracted Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Why is it so hard not to misinterpret friendliness as something more... I ran into my ex on Sunday for the first time in three weeks- since we officially had the break-up conversation. At first he gave me my space, sort of, he came back and talked to our mutual friends at the other end of the table, sat down with them and hung out for awhile, but didn't say anything to me. But later, he came over to me, brushed his hand against my back (most likely just to get by) and made a reference to the fact I was breaking my New Year's resolution. He got his drink and went back to his friends (10 feet away from me), but he kept looking over at me and he came back a few more times and chatted- our song came on and he came over to asked me if I'd played it (I hadn't) and he came back to ask me why he hadn't seen me in a few weeks. Almost NONE of this would I normally interpret as a guy who is interested in me except for the fact that he's the ex. Now I'm back to the "what if" thinking from a few weeks ago. Is it easier when the ex is a total a** and doesn't make any attempt at acknowleging you or being friendly when the break-up is so new? Because to be honest I think the friendlienss just makes it worse...
CaliGuy Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 It sounds more or less to me like he's just curious about you and nothing more. Sounds like he's OK with the breakup. Maybe it's time you were OK with it as well? The NC is good, it helps you heal quicker. I know it's hard not to obsesses over things but you should really focus on you, your happiness and your life post breakup. What are your friends up to? Are you going to the gym? Have you started any new hobbies? When was the last time you did some cardio work? Fill up your time with fun activities so your brain doesn't have time to obsesses with the breakup.
Author Distracted Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Yes- a full life makes things much easier I agree- and mine has been almost as full since we broke up as when we were together. Truthfully I’m really good at NC- I’m more comfortable not speaking at all for at least 6 months and I’m over them. But this weekend definitely was a set back, his words and actions just felt like he was flirting somehow. But the rational side of my brain says you are right- he’s OK with the break-up and he just wants everything to return to “normal” where he isn’t a pseudo pariah to my friends. And the fact that he has no problem talking to me without “being” with me really does hurt. I guess there was some part of me that thought he’d be regretting his decision by now… apparently not…
CaliGuy Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Yes- a full life makes things much easier I agree- and mine has been almost as full since we broke up as when we were together. Truthfully I’m really good at NC- I’m more comfortable not speaking at all for at least 6 months and I’m over them. But this weekend definitely was a set back, his words and actions just felt like he was flirting somehow. But the rational side of my brain says you are right- he’s OK with the break-up and he just wants everything to return to “normal” where he isn’t a pseudo pariah to my friends. And the fact that he has no problem talking to me without “being” with me really does hurt. I guess there was some part of me that thought he’d be regretting his decision by now… apparently not… All you can do is accept that it is what it is and move on. The sooner you accept that it's over the sooner you'll meet the right guy and wonder what you ever saw in your ex. I guarantee it.
miss snoopy Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Is it easier when the ex is a total a** and doesn't make any attempt at acknowleging you or being friendly when the break-up is so new? Because to be honest I think the friendlienss just makes it worse... Being a total arse is a great defense. Friendliness is just hurtful when you can't have them. I thought I'd want friendship with my ex but I now realise I'll be constantly analyzing his words and actions and wanting more than he can give. I don't think friendship can work until you're both over each other so yes, friendliness is worse as it doesn't help you move on, in fact some guys/girls use it to keep their exes as back-ups which is just cruel. I'm actually thankful my ex prefers the NC route for the above reason. It may be painful now, but in a year's time I know I'll realise what a blessing it was.
Am4Real Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 All you can do is accept that it is what it is and move on. The sooner you accept that it's over the sooner you'll meet the right guy and wonder what you ever saw in your ex. I guarantee it. A good point yes, a guarantee no way. There are plenty of EX's with "hoping" EX's out there...but again, your point and advice is well meant and taken.
FallenTree Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 This is another reminder to myself why NC is the best. As trying to be friends again, things had been going well, but then, the guy should started to drift again and become distant. Not a surprise, knowing him, but it sucks b/c when we were talking more, it was really great. And who am I kidding? He's ok with the breakup anyway and here I was scrambling for any bit of friendliness from him.
Am4Real Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 This is another reminder to myself why NC is the best. As trying to be friends again, things had been going well, but then, the guy should started to drift again and become distant. Not a surprise, knowing him, but it sucks b/c when we were talking more, it was really great. And who am I kidding? He's ok with the breakup anyway and here I was scrambling for any bit of friendliness from him. Yes, one has to be careful about the "gotta have you back because you might find someone else" behavior. Sorry to hear about your experience. {{hugs}}.
Author Distracted Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Fallen Tree- I'm not sure why some people aren't emotionally attuned enough to see that their actions suck. Its been a long time since I broke someone's heart, but I didn't pour lemon juice on their wounds by trying to stay friends right away. I'd say hi if absolutely necessary, but none of this "how is your life going", "why haven't I seen you in a while" bullcrap... Because once they start that, its hard not to believe they are testing the waters of can they come back and then when they are distant again it sucks even more (which he did the next time I ran into him)... Bleck... I've made some late January resolutions... (1) no more dating guys that need to be fixed or still want to act like teenagers, (2) trust my instincts, and (3) don't believe their emotional declarations of "i love you" until after there have been some bumps in the road. At least my 2007 love horoscope is good...
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