ponderingfar Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 have been good friends with a colleague and we had this platonic relationship for more than 2 years. Everyone around us were already teasing us and there were several people who told me he liked me. We were best buddies and we did hang around most of the time. But when he went out of town and I got a bit sad from missing him, I had a shopping therapy where I met my husband now. we have been married for 2 years with 2 kids, in fact my good friend is the god father of my eldest...we sort of drifted apart during my first years of marriage but he would come and see me for coffee once in a while. I do not really belive it but my husband is jealous of him so I tried avoiding him, but since he went out of the country for a training, we found ourselves keeping in touch again. He never told me he liked me but he would always request that we have the same sked when i was still single. Him being my best friend, I really could talk to him about anything under the sun and it means so much to me that I could talk to somebody. Unfortunately, my husband and i aren't really compatible but I believe in the sanctity of marriage. This best friend hardly spent for me, primarily because he had no means so I would always be the one to treat him out but I know he tries to give back the favor whenever I ask him to do something for me. Is it wrong to still be in touch with him? especially now that I again feel strong affilitation to him? I know there is no reason to rock the boat since what he has for me may truly be entirely platonic...i am really confused...HELP!
mommy42cuties Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Ponderingfar - did your DH know that you were treating your BF to lunch or talking to him about anything? Did you talk to your BF about your relationship with your DH? If your husband did not know you were buying stuff for BF and if you were talking to your BF about your DH and he was there to support you and listen, then I think it is wrong. I know you replied to my post about me and DH and that is what was going on with me. He would go to work and talk to the women about me and she would make him fell better about everything and they were also going to lunch. I think even though he is your BF, there is a line. I told my DH, you should not talk or say anything to these women that you would not say in front of me. And a lot of the stuff he was saying (flirting) I know he wouldnt say in front of me. I think that you should talk to your DH. If you are not happy with your DH, maybe you should talk with him, he may not be happy either. Worth a try... This is just my opinion and it may not be a good one since I am going through my own issues
Author ponderingfar Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 DH knows i have been buying stuff for him and he warned me just recently he said that he understands he has been my BF but that i shouldn't wait until it is too late. i know DH loves me it is just a compatibility issue, he just couldn't address my communication needs and couldn't comprehend things i want to talk about. i truly feel sorry for what is happening with your marriage, i love my kids and wouldn't want to hurt them, i am so confused reason why i had to search forums to help me find answers o my questions
Ladyjane14 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 In my honest opinion... if your spouse isn't your BEST opposite-sex friend, the marriage is unsustainable. The emotional energy invested in this OM is stolen from your husband's plate, and invested in another man. Your husband can't help but wither away without it. In order to meet his most basic emotional needs, he's got to know he's THE BEST MAN in your life.
mommy42cuties Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I understand, I didnt mean to come off rude, I guess it just kinda hits home a little, Everyone has been telling me to try marriage counseling (friends and family) and we are actually going tonight, bc there was more problems in my marriage that drove him to do this, so maybe you can talk to your DH about counseling. I am very confused too and I think that this forum will really help us out. I read a lot of posts on here b4 I finally posted myself. I think other peoples opinions are good to hear. I hope everything works out for u.
Author ponderingfar Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Thanks for your very sensible input ladyjane...i have read most of your posts and i can sense that you are such a level headed person
tweldy Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 ...and it will be if you continue on this path. You asked 'is this cheating'. Does it really matter? It doesn't sound like 'cheating' but you know its sign that thing aren't right and you know your situation is not sustainable - eventually you won't need to *ask* if its cheating - if not with this person then with someone else. Look at the great opportunity you have right now - you can fix this before it becomes a total disaster. Marriages require work - some more than others and some a LOT more than others (BELIEVE me, *I* know). Instead of looking at this as incompatibility, look at it as your marriage needs extra attention in the wake of having two wonderful (but NO doubt demanding) kids. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck.
Author ponderingfar Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Hi tweldy, I do not think BF feels the same way for me, so it is really complicated...well I am probably just complicating my boring life although BF asked me a hypothetical question as to whether I could leave my DH for someone who loves me and my children. Besides, coming to think of it, if he had feelings for me he had more than two years to have professed it but he didn't. I hope you people won't get me wrong, I wouldn't dare hurt my children's feelings and wouldn't put my interests prior to theirs, this I know is a forbidden feeling because it will definitely just cause complications, reason why I opted to just disclose my feelings to people who do not know me at all. One more thing, I don't think I am BF's type anyways, but sometimes I just dwell on what could have been since I am trying to figure out how he could have hung out with me for more than two years if he didn't like me. Just for a backgrounder my marriage was a whirlwind romance so it is my fault that I didn't get to know the man I married, but he really does not validate my womanhood and have trampled on my self-esteem in more ways than one. He deceived me that he was single only to find out he has 2 children from his first marriage. I was already pregnant when he told me and I knew right there and then that my dream for a happy family won't become a reality...not in this lifetime i guess. I do not think BF is interested in me in that way, what I value about him is that we could talk, really talk. For all I know it is just me trying to complicate matters when in reality, BF is truly just a buddy. Thanks to everyone who posted comments.TC.
tweldy Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Notes: I wouldn't dare hurt my children's feelings and wouldn't put my interests prior to theirs The trick is to get your interests in line with your children's interests... He deceived me that he was single only to find out he has 2 children from his first marriage. This is a profound piece of the puzzle. How could you feel compatible with someone who deceived you like this? This is counseling/professional help sort of stuff - your husband has some serious restitution and reconciliation owed to you.
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