ponderingfar Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 i have been good friends with a colleague and we had this platonic relationship for more than 2 years. Everyone around us were already teasing us and there were several people who told me he liked me. We were best buddies and we did hang around most of the time. But when he went out of town and I got a bit sad from missing him, I had a shopping therapy where I met my husband now. we have been married for 2 years with 2 kids, in fact my good friend is the god father of my eldest...we sort of drifted apart during my first years of marriage but he would come and see me for coffee once in a while. I do not really belive it but my husband is jealous of him so I tried avoiding him, but since he went out of the country for a training, we found ourselves keeping in touch again. He never told me he liked me but he would always request that we have the same sked when i was still single. Him being my best friend, I really could talk to him about anything under the sun and it means so much to me that I could talk to somebody. Unfortunately, my husband and i aren't really compatible but I believe in the sanctity of marriage. This best friend hardly spent for me, primarily because he had no means so I would always be the one to treat him out but I know he tries to give back the favor whenever I ask him to do something for me. Is it wrong to still be in touch with him? especially now that I again feel strong affilitation to him? I know there is no reason to rock the boat since what he has for me may truly be entirely platonic...i am really confused...HELP!
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 yes...it is wrong to keep in touch with this other guy. You have a husband now...he deserves that respect.
Author ponderingfar Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 thanks salicious crumb...even though we have been friends long before my husband and i met?
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 thanks salicious crumb...even though we have been friends long before my husband and i met? You are an affair waiting to happen. Yes, even if you were friends before you and your husband met, you have to distance yourself from this guy because of the feelings you have for him. The more contact you have, the more you feed into those feelings. It's not fair to your husband, your children, your marriage. You shouldn't have gotten married if you didn't think you were compatible, or your love wasn't going to be enough to keep you faithful. If you loved your friend, you should have married him. But, since you made your choices, now you have to decide if you want a divorce, because that's the only way you can truly be with your friend (if he wants more from you than friendship).
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 thanks salicious crumb...even though we have been friends long before my husband and i met? If my wife, even though she has proven to be unfaithful, was uncomfortable with me having a female friend, I would be disrespecting her if I kept it up. Friends with the opposite sex is one thing...going out on these little excursions, lunch dates....or hanging out like you'd hang out with one of "the girls" is unacceptable. And I agree with norajane, you are an affair waiting to happen..no matter how much you say you are "just friends"
Author ponderingfar Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 well that's another problem really, i do not think BF feels the same way for me, so it is really complicated...well I am probably just complicating my boring life although BF asked me a hypothetical question as to whether I could leave my DH for someone who loves me and my children. Besides, coming to think of it, if he had feelings for me he had more than two years to have professed it but he didn't. I hope you people won't get me wrong, I wouldn't dare hurt my children's feelings and wouldn't put my interests prior to theirs, this I know is a forbidden feeling because it will definitely just cause complications, reason why I opted to just disclose my feelings to people who do not know me at all. One more thing, I don't think I am BF's type anyways, but sometimes I just dwell on what could have been since I am trying to figure out how he could have hung out with me for more than two years if he didn't like me. Just for a backgrounder my marriage was a whirlwind romance so it is my fault that I didn't get to know the man I married, but he really does not validate my womanhood and have trampled on my self-esteem in more ways than one. He deceived me that he was single only to find out he has 2 children from his first marriage. I was already pregnant when he told me and I knew right there and then that my dream for a happy family won't become a reality...not in this lifetime i guess. Thanks to everyone who posted comments.TC
CardPlay3r Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Well to the 'sanctity of marriage' thing, what is the point in staying in a marriage if you don't love your husband? It will only lead to an unhappy marriage. Most fair to everyone would be to break up with your husband and maybe pursue a relationship with the one you're in love with, rather than just spend your life pretending in an unhappy marriage.
crazy_grl Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Decide which you want more: your marriage or your friend. Then get rid of the one you didn't pick. You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for when you're married, even if he has no feelings for you and has been your friend for a long time.
norajane Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 BF asked me a hypothetical question as to whether I could leave my DH for someone who loves me and my children. You should not leave your marriage for someone else. You should leave your marriage because you cannot make it a good marriage though you've done everything you can to try. You should leave a marriage because you can't stay in it anymore, not because there is someone else to run to.
Guest Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 yes it is wrong, you should be focusing more of your time and energy in your marriage. instead of talking to him, use that time to email your husband and surprise him!?!?!
frannie Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Unfortunately, my husband and i aren't really compatible but I believe in the sanctity of marriage. This best friend hardly spent for me, primarily because he had no means so I would always be the one to treat him out but I know he tries to give back the favor whenever I ask him to do something for me. Is it wrong to still be in touch with him? especially now that I again feel strong affilitation to him? I know there is no reason to rock the boat since what he has for me may truly be entirely platonic...i am really confused...HELP! I don't believe it's wrong to have friends of either sex. I have lots of male friends, always have always will! It's not a question of what sex people are for me but what their interests are, what we talk about, what things we like doing and so on. What IS dangerous is when you don't love the partner you're with, and find your emotional needs being met by those other people... or one in particular. That's a whole different kettle of fish to having male friends. It's not what's out there, it's what's in your relationship that's the problem. There can be hundreds of gorgeous, loving, fascinating men who adore you around you all day and it won't make a jot of difference... you'll never think of an affair... if your relationship is solid. But yours isn't. "My husband and I aren't really compatible" You HAVE to work on that, or spend a lifetime of misery. Even if you never touch another man, you'll always be unhappy, always longing, never giving what you have inside to another person. The person you should be loving... your partner. Are you really planning on living a lifetime of misery for the sake of upholding "the sanctity of marriage"? And how much sanctity is there when your heart isn't in it..? A lot is talked about infidelity with another... but what about lacking in that vow to 'love and honour' your spouse..? If you can't do that, are you upholding anything..?
Guest Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 You HAVE to work on that, or spend a lifetime of misery. Even if you never touch another man, you'll always be unhappy, always longing, never giving what you have inside to another person. The person you should be loving... your partner. Are you really planning on living a lifetime of misery for the sake of upholding "the sanctity of marriage"? And how much sanctity is there when your heart isn't in it..? A lot is talked about infidelity with another... but what about lacking in that vow to 'love and honour' your spouse..? If you can't do that, are you upholding anything..?[/quote I have always asked myself how much more i can tolerate this misery. In fairness to my husband, he is a good father to my children and generally a good person. But eversince the day I found out he deceived me, the whole world just caved in. I just really do not want my kids to have a broken family so I am trying so hard to just live civilly with him, just as so we are making the impression we are not a broken family, although I know in my heart this family is not normal at all and it is indeed broken. Regardless of the deceit, I feel sorry for my husband, having grown up all alone, also in a dysfunctional or absent family, I feel he deserves a wife who loves him. But I just can't bring myself into loving him as passionately as I have always thought a wife should love her husband. I have always been a passionate person and my married life is just sooo the opposite. I feel like a living dead, it is just not there. i couldn't explain it but there is really something missing. I have no one else to blame but myself and I do not want my children to bear the consequences of my hasty decision.In all honesty, I have always told myself that maybe not in this lifetime. But there is a certain void, emptiness and longing for a deepr, more meaningful relationship, beyond living with a co-parent. I am quite surprised that I have never really directly stated it,but a number of people have told me that living with someone i do not love is unsustainable. i feel so bad because i wish i could have given my children parents who truly love each other. DH never cared when BF and I talk or hang around each other. How i wish I could put into words everything that has been happening just as so I could post a clearer picture of my situation. I hope people do not get me wrong, it is not intimacy from another man that I am trying to impart here...it is the emptiness and extreme sadness that I would have to live with as long as I could. The trauma this marriage has brought me has made me fear getting into another relationship. My bad influence friends who know the entire story would always tell me that I have all the right into an affair, but that is just not me, I am not being righteous and I know people get into extra marital affairs have reasons that could have led them to that. The sadness is I know that the happy family and marriage I have always dreamt of from teenage years will not happen in this lifetime.
Author ponderingfar Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 I don't believe it's wrong to have friends of either sex. I have lots of male friends, always have always will! It's not a question of what sex people are for me but what their interests are, what we talk about, what things we like doing and so on. What IS dangerous is when you don't love the partner you're with, and find your emotional needs being met by those other people... or one in particular. That's a whole different kettle of fish to having male friends. It's not what's out there, it's what's in your relationship that's the problem. There can be hundreds of gorgeous, loving, fascinating men who adore you around you all day and it won't make a jot of difference... you'll never think of an affair... if your relationship is solid. But yours isn't. "My husband and I aren't really compatible" You HAVE to work on that, or spend a lifetime of misery. Even if you never touch another man, you'll always be unhappy, always longing, never giving what you have inside to another person. The person you should be loving... your partner. Are you really planning on living a lifetime of misery for the sake of upholding "the sanctity of marriage"? And how much sanctity is there when your heart isn't in it..? A lot is talked about infidelity with another... but what about lacking in that vow to 'love and honour' your spouse..? If you can't do that, are you upholding anything..? I have always asked myself how much more i can tolerate this misery. Not the misery of living with him because in fairness to my husband, he is a good father to my children and generally a good person; but the misery of living with an emptiness. Eversince the day I found out he deceived me, the whole world just caved in. I just really do not want my kids to have a broken family so I am trying so hard to just live civilly with him, just as so we are making the impression we are not a broken family, although I know in my heart this family is not normal at all and it is indeed broken. Regardless of the deceit, I feel sorry for my husband, having grown up all alone, also in a dysfunctional or absent family, I feel he deserves a wife who loves him. But I just can't bring myself into loving him as passionately as I have always thought a wife should love her husband. I have always been a passionate person and my married life is just sooo the opposite. I feel like a living dead, it is just not there. i couldn't explain it but there is really something missing. I have no one else to blame but myself and I do not want my children to bear the consequences of my hasty decision.In all honesty, I have always told myself that maybe not in this lifetime. But there is a certain void, emptiness and longing for a deepr, more meaningful relationship, beyond living with a co-parent. I am quite surprised that I have never really directly stated it,but a number of people have told me that living with someone i do not love is unsustainable. i feel so bad because i wish i could have given my children parents who truly love each other. DH never cared when BF and I talk or hang around each other. How i wish I could put into words everything that has been happening just as so I could post a clearer picture of my situation. I hope people do not get me wrong, it is not intimacy from another man that I am trying to impart here...it is the emptiness and extreme sadness that I would have to live with as long as I could. The trauma this marriage has brought me has made me fear getting into another relationship. My bad influence friends who know the entire story would always tell me that I have all the right into an affair, but that is just not me, I am not being righteous and I know people get into extra marital affairs have reasons that could have led them to that. The sadness is I know that the happy family and marriage I have always dreamt of from teenage years will not happen in this lifetime.
Author ponderingfar Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 I have always asked myself how much more i can tolerate this misery. Not the misery of living with him because in fairness to my husband, he is a good father to my children and generally a good person; but the misery of living with an emptiness. Eversince the day I found out he deceived me, the whole world just caved in. I just really do not want my kids to have a broken family so I am trying so hard to just live civilly with him, just as so we are making the impression we are not a broken family, although I know in my heart this family is not normal at all and it is indeed broken. Regardless of the deceit, I feel sorry for my husband, having grown up all alone, also in a dysfunctional or absent family, I feel he deserves a wife who loves him. But I just can't bring myself into loving him as passionately as I have always thought a wife should love her husband. I have always been a passionate person and my married life is just sooo the opposite. I feel like a living dead, it is just not there. i couldn't explain it but there is really something missing. I have no one else to blame but myself and I do not want my children to bear the consequences of my hasty decision.In all honesty, I have always told myself that maybe not in this lifetime. But there is a certain void, emptiness and longing for a deepr, more meaningful relationship, beyond living with a co-parent. I am quite surprised that I have never really directly stated it,but a number of people have told me that living with someone i do not love is unsustainable. i feel so bad because i wish i could have given my children parents who truly love each other. DH never cared when BF and I talk or hang around each other. How i wish I could put into words everything that has been happening just as so I could post a clearer picture of my situation. I hope people do not get me wrong, it is not intimacy from another man that I am trying to impart here...it is the emptiness and extreme sadness that I would have to live with as long as I could. The trauma this marriage has brought me has made me fear getting into another relationship. My bad influence friends who know the entire story would always tell me that I have all the right into an affair, but that is just not me, I am not being righteous and I know people get into extra marital affairs have reasons that could have led them to that. The sadness is I know that the happy family and marriage I have always dreamt of from teenage years will not happen in this lifetime.
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