hard to cope with death

[Guest]

My boyfriends mum's died in jan 06, a couple of months later, i went on a youth trip which was alredy planed and paid for. during this trip, my boyfriend texted me every day how upset he is and how he wishes i wasn't on holiday cus im away wen he most needs me. i was starting to get upset and every text message he sent me i wanted to cry because i missed him and wanted to be there for him.

 

me and my boyfriend have been 2gether for a year and a half and i love him so much and i want to suport him. when i come back off my holiday, i told him im finding it hard dealing with the situation and i want to make things better but i dont know how to. i try to listen and understand but whenevr my boyfriend mentions anything about his mother, i break down in tears because i think about how i wish this hasn't happened to him and i wish i could make things so better, because i know how hard it is for him. My boyfriend decided he thought it was best for him not to talk to me because it made him feel worse that i cried and then we were both upset.

 

until recently, i've seen my boyfriend craig has posted a message on a forum stating that he thinks that we've 'agreed not to talk about his mother' and he thinks im being unfair saying that we cant talk about his mother. Lots of people have relied saying that i'm not worth it and he should break up with me and i dont know what to do. I'm just seen as selfish but that's not how it is, i love my boyfriend so much and want to be there to suppport him but i jus make him worse. he also states of the forum that by not talking to me, it's making things worse, but hes never mentioned this to me before and its really out of the blue because he's always told me everything? but i dont know what to do. Please help. I am in tears.

Tracey age 18.

[quankanne]

I'm guessing that your guy is upset by the loss of his mom and his perceived thoughts that you don't care about what's happened. You sound as if you care a bunch about him, so don't be afraid to tell him that you find it hard to talk about his loss because you're grieving for that loss, that it's hard not to think about him being without his mom. I think this will open up a more honest communication between the two of you, instead of him imagining that you don't want to talk about his mom for other reasons.

 

I'll admit, it's hard to talk with guys about these kinds of things, even when you've been married forever to the same one! My mom and MiL died within six months of each other. While I let my husband know what I was feeling about my mom – that I missed her, that I hated seeing her sick, how much I loved her – so that he would know what was on my mind, he kind of clammed up about his own mom. I don't know if it was their relationship or because he was a guy, and therefore felt he should suck it up, but it made it much harder for me to "be there" for him because I didn't know what to say or do. But, I take comfort in knowing that he understood he had my support when he needed it most, even if we didn't talk about it specifically. Guys are just wired that way, you know?

 

so, even if it makes you bawl, let him know that you've not said anything because you weren't sure how to approach the subject, not because you didn't care.

 

good luck, and keep us posted, okay?

[JA2]

 

If your bf is talking to you and opening up about his feelings, you have to be the strong one. I know it's not easy, but you just have to. He's the one going through the pain, so when he sees you cry, it just makes it worse for him. Please, if you love him, let him open up to you. Most men don't open up and hold their feelings in, the fact that he is opening up is great. Just be there for him. Encourage him to talk to you. But be STRONG, no tears. You say above that you wish you could make things so better, and the only way is to be there for him, if he cries let him cry, if he talks let him talk, but please don't turn it around and make it about you.