net Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 first time poster, so be gentle. Im not as crazy as i sound here (or maybe i am i dont know for sure). im explaining the best i can in text my wife and i of 4 years (we have been living together for 9 years now)have been having small problems off and on for the past 3 years relationship wise. She has hemochromotosis and it affects her sexual health and she has major anxiety and gets so distant from me and so crabby/naggy that i tend to ignore her when it get really bad. I try very hard to be there for her but sometimes the walking on eggshells around her is so unbearable to me that i become aggitated myself. We fight a lot also. before we fought becuase we didnt agree on certain things. now we fight becuase i just accept the blame in hopes that it ends the fight and she doesnt like that. She also has (or at least had) this extreme codependancy on me. we have never had any issues with violence or infidelity. She works evenings and i work mornings so our lives during the week are already a seperation that we live. we spend most our time together on the weekends. We have this ongoing joke about her coming home 10 minutes late or something and me asking how the date was with her boyfriend. it truely is just a joke that i have been saying for years. I am (or at least was not) an insecure person in the slightest. I let my friends slip away as i became more intertwined with the relationship, all my time was spent with my wife (this was something she needed from the relationship and it was something that i didnt see any reason to fight, i loved being around my wife at the time.) every week she asks me to go out after work (she works an evening shift so shes off at 2 in the morning) and every week i tell her go ahead it would be great if you got some friends, this is something she has not done for a long time, in fact never in the 9 years we have been together. And every week she comes straight home after work. 2 months ago on a friday she calls and asks me if it is alright that she goes out after work, i tell her of course and she does finally. at 6 in the morning i wake up and shes not home. My heart just sinks, and i immediatly call her to find out if she is alright. she answers the phone and tells me that shes headed home right now that she was just dropped off at her car. I let it go from here and really didnt think anything about it. the next day i go to work again thinking nothing about it. i bring dinner home and we eat and my wife sits there in silence. (this isnt odd, sometimes we just dont have anything to talk about, especally when we are eating.) she gets done, goes in the computer room. when i get done i go in the computer and playfully ask "how was your date last night?" She immediatly hits the roof! then tells me she wants a seperation! now my wife has the tendancy to be the boy (or girl in this instance) that cries wolf. its her thing for when things get rough to tell me shes leaving. and yes normally i blow it off as just that. but this time for some reason, maybe it was the way she said it or the look in her eyes that i knew she was serious. I imeediiatly freaked out! Im not a person that has ever before suffered anxiety, maybe i have had some depression but never ever anxiety. much to my disliking a week later i was moving out of the house at her request, she wanted to "find herself" she had been so codependant on every relationship in her life (even the ones where the guy cheated on her or beat her then cheated on her) and this time she wanted me to go away for a while so she could do this. I fought it to no end. I hated the idea of seperation its just not something that people do in my mind, we created the problems in the relationship we needed to work them out even if it included a marriage therapist, or we needed to part ways. As much as i hated it though i agreed. we did keep in contact, dialy telephone calls and "dates" once a week. she was going out drinking all night with her friends (something with a high iron content shouldnt do in the first place, hemochromotosis has an effect on the liver, this is hwat her father died of her her age), many of which are men. and we started seeing a marriage therapist. but she refused to stop the late nights out drinking. First off this is where my anxiety hit the roof, i would ask what it is she does out and she refused to tell me, i asked if maybe one night i could go out with her since i didnt know any of her new firends (i thought it would ease my mind to know these people) she refused. she would tell me she was going to one place and not be there. when i confronted her on it she would tell me she was at that spot and when i told her i knew she wasnt she would tell me she was at one of her friends houses. she keeps her cell phone out of my reach and she recieves phone calls from random "friends" at weird times. she never picks them up when im around and if she is at one of these friends houses then she refuses to take my phone calls. so after 2 months of therapy and seperation we decide (becuase i told her that if she asked me again for more seperation time that i would have to leave) that i would move back into the house. the first night i was here she considered fine. more notably we didnt say 10 words to eachother and i gave her space, i knew me beinging would be hard for her as she is still tring to "find herself". She told me that she wasnt ready for me to move back in yet but that she wasnt ready for divorce. The therapist beleives that i have done everything i possibly can to correct my flaws in the relationship from the past, but my wife is still not warming up to the idea of either commitment or divorce. the therapist says that i put in 200% and my wife says that "im a great man, any women would want me.... but its just not enough right now" I honestly do not beleive that my wife is having an affair (call me nieve) but her issues with sex are not just with me they are with sex in general (this info has been backed but a doctor previous to the seperation). but i cant understand her desparate need for this secret life. I have always encouraged her to be independant, i myself am an independant person. btu since the seperation i have lost that compeltely, i can see where codepenacny on the relationship. i know now that i am also suffering from depression. I know that i went through many years of it with my wife and that it is not easy by any means. I wrote off my firends and dedicated myself to this marriage. but my wife refuses to be there for me when i need her now too. i cant think anything except how unfair it is that i dealt with her illnesses during the years only to be shoved off becuase shes out having fun now. we are still working on things but it is her belief that she cant figure out her side of things with me around, and that i cant count on her right now for support becuase she doesnt know who she really is. I read book after book and i see a therapist 2 or 3 times a week jsut becuase i cant funcrtion properly, im on the verge of lossing my job becuase of my performance and while i see that my wife is making efforts, im so miserable that im concerding leaveing her jsut because of the betrayal i feel. now this is all making one hell of a terrible tasting soup for me. losing my house, throw away all my firends, so i have no where to go, im probably going to lose my job so i cant support myself (i get paid one big check once a month) and now i cant think of anything but leaving her... I have told her so and she only tells me that she wants to work on it but that right now if thats what i want then just do it. so i come to a bunch of strangers and ask advise. Thank you for hearing my story.
Author net Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 update. We have gone to the marriage therapist. The therapist wants me to go on medication for depression and anxiety, and feels that i am co-dependant. I have never had signs of any of things before in my life... more tot he confussion.
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