casoria99 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Hello. I know that this question has been asked a MILLION times but I guess I am tired and can't figure out the right combo of words to search for "the purpose of NC" because nothing is coming up. So I will ask the question AGAIN...and hope you all answer.... What is the purpose of NC? How can it be used? (example: to completely end the relationship, or show the person that you love that you aren't going to put up with their crap so NC helps them realize that you should not be taken for granted, or a manipulative tool, etc.) Why does it work? I had someone go NC with me although he used it for a variety of reasons. Number one, it's a power trip for him to be the one to end it and leave me hanging. Number two, he is being a prick. Number three, he is going back to his exwife. Number four, he wants to teach me a lesson. Number five, he wants to show his exwife that he is focused on their relationship. I DO MISS HIM but I am okay with knowing that he is wishy washy and I can't do anything with someone like him as far as creating a healthy relationship. But any help on NC would help. Right now, because he USED it on me, I feel very weak and foolish because of course, I am the one wanting to contact him. How do you get your strength and self-esteem out of this type of rejection?
Curmudgeon Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I DO MISS HIM but I am okay with knowing that he is wishy washy and I can't do anything with someone like him as far as creating a healthy relationship. It sounds to me as if he stopped being wishy-washy, made a definitive decision to try to repair or reconstruct his marriage and has taken necessary steps to put you behind him. The creation of a healthy relationship usually begins with honesty and if he was having an affair that element was lacking from the outset. I think what you're searching for is closure and if he steadfastly maintains NC then you're not likely to achieve it. You'll just have to move on with your life and in time, this will all fade. Moving ahead is likely the entire purpose with NC It creates a definitive and measurable stop point and you go on from there.
Guest Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 You say that he went NC on you and then you give several reasons for why you think he did it--all of them could be valid. But you don't give any details of what happened immediately before NC. There is usually a trigger and it doesn't sound as if you were told by him that he wasn't going to contact you and that the A was over. Some MM don't like to think of the A finally being over, and don't want you to get on with your life, so they keep you dangling. Like I say, look back to what happened or what was said the last time you were in communication with him, and that may give you a clue and help the posters on this forum to give you help and support too, if you give the facts here. One way or another though he is distancing himself from you, and if you can, I would try and keep busy and assume that the A is over. I would not contact him because he will probably perceive that as desperate and pressurising on your part. Best that you maintain a dignified silence and then he is more likely to come back to you. He knows how you feel about him--there is no need for you to tell him that by making contact.
Author casoria99 Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 I think what you're searching for is closure and if he steadfastly maintains NC then you're not likely to achieve it. You'll just have to move on with your life and in time, this will all fade. Moving ahead is likely the entire purpose with NC It creates a definitive and measurable stop point and you go on from there. You are so right about my search for closure. And you UNDERSTAND how I feel that I might not get answers. How do you move on without answers? I think I wanted to just say goodbye on a good note. A few hours before NC was the best time for us (or at least he appeared that way) and then it just ENDED. I don't know whether to love him or hate him. My feelings are still wishy washy although he may have appeared to have moved on.
Author casoria99 Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 You say that he went NC on you and then you give several reasons for why you think he did it--all of them could be valid. But you don't give any details of what happened immediately before NC. There is usually a trigger and it doesn't sound as if you were told by him that he wasn't going to contact you and that the A was over. Some MM don't like to think of the A finally being over, and don't want you to get on with your life, so they keep you dangling. Like I say, look back to what happened or what was said the last time you were in communication with him, and that may give you a clue and help the posters on this forum to give you help and support too, if you give the facts here. One way or another though he is distancing himself from you, and if you can, I would try and keep busy and assume that the A is over. I would not contact him because he will probably perceive that as desperate and pressurising on your part. Best that you maintain a dignified silence and then he is more likely to come back to you. He knows how you feel about him--there is no need for you to tell him that by making contact. Well, he may or may not come back but it is over. I just thought I would be able to still communicate with him throughout life as a friend. What happened is she found an email that he wrote and then read it in front of his 13 and 15 year olds. He is a proud father. And she stripped him naked in front of his kids. Most kids do not like to hear about sex from their parents let alone with another woman. You would have to know her and him. She uses the kids as pawns because she knows that he will do anything to prove being a father to them. She has threatened to poison the kids and to take them and kill them if she doesn't get her way. He wants to leave but can't leave because he doesn't want to hurt the kids and because he cannot be the bad guy that leaves. And the other many reasons why they stay with their wives that they SAY they don't love. So that was the trigger. I have been looking back at MOST TIMES with him which were painful and I realize that I have some MAJOR HEALING to do. And honestly, I am glad that it is OVER so that more years and tears are not wasted on this guy. But I somehow need to find closure and come to terms with things. I know that it's OVER...but finding closure is what I want to find and can't. I mean, in this type of relationship, you spend all of your time thinking about them...so it's hard to stop thinking about them. I want him out of my head. How does that happen?
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I have been looking back at MOST TIMES with him which were painful and I realize that I have some MAJOR HEALING to do. And honestly, I am glad that it is OVER so that more years and tears are not wasted on this guy. But I somehow need to find closure and come to terms with things. I know that it's OVER...but finding closure is what I want to find and can't. I mean, in this type of relationship, you spend all of your time thinking about them...so it's hard to stop thinking about them. I want him out of my head. How does that happen? You have to start thinking about yourself, and replace those thoughts of him. Start thinking about your future and what you want for yourself. Make plans for things you'd like to do - start planning a vacation, or look into a career change, or maybe you want to renovate your bathroom. There has to be something you want in your life besides this man, so try to focus on getting one of those things you want. Where do you want to be a year from now? What do you want in your life a year from now? Make it happen. When I've had heartbreak, it has been useful to me to think of a phrase to tell myself when I start thinking about the ex...something like, "HE did this. HE made things end this way. HE gave me this pain. HE DID THIS!" And then I hold on to that anger, and deliberately shut off the other thoughts, the ones that make me miss him, because in the end, HE wasn't the man I needed him to be. There's also another exercise I've found useful. Set aside an hour each day where you give yourself permission to think about this guy, to cry, to scream, to mope, whatever. And the rest of the day, when thoughts of him creep in, tell yourself you can't think about him now, you'll save those thoughts for later during that hour. Each week, decrease that hour by 15 minutes.
herenow Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 No contact means no contact. Please explain to me why that is so difficult to understand. I'm really confused here. I would think that if a MM, or anyone for that matter, doesn't want to have contact with you, it's clear what he is saying.
Guest Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Casoria99, well yes that was a hell of a triger. That totally explains his behaviour, (though I am not condoning it). Your whole A has been uncovered and the details distibuted among his immediate family. So for him that is a major blow. You say you want nothing more to do with him. He is obviously going to be under extreme scrutiny at home and has probably promised his W that he will never contact you again. So he will be on his best behaviour for some time and that may well be it. BUT don't be surprise if he contacts you some way down the line to resume things once the dust has settled. After all his W has forgiven him once maybe she will forgive him a second time. This doesn't help you with your hurt feelings but it sure explains his NC. I hope you pull through this.
Motor35 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 There's also another exercise I've found useful. Set aside an hour each day where you give yourself permission to think about this guy, to cry, to scream, to mope, whatever. And the rest of the day, when thoughts of him creep in, tell yourself you can't think about him now, you'll save those thoughts for later during that hour. Each week, decrease that hour by 15 minutes. This is a GREAT idea! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I have been trying everything to shake this guy. I know it will take time, but this is truly a great idea. Thank you, truly
Meaplus3 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Hello. I know that this question has been asked a MILLION times but I guess I am tired and can't figure out the right combo of words to search for "the purpose of NC" because nothing is coming up. So I will ask the question AGAIN...and hope you all answer.... What is the purpose of NC? How can it be used? (example: to completely end the relationship, or show the person that you love that you aren't going to put up with their crap so NC helps them realize that you should not be taken for granted, or a manipulative tool, etc.) Why does it work? I had someone go NC with me although he used it for a variety of reasons. Number one, it's a power trip for him to be the one to end it and leave me hanging. Number two, he is being a prick. Number three, he is going back to his exwife. Number four, he wants to teach me a lesson. Number five, he wants to show his exwife that he is focused on their relationship. I DO MISS HIM but I am okay with knowing that he is wishy washy and I can't do anything with someone like him as far as creating a healthy relationship. But any help on NC would help. Right now, because he USED it on me, I feel very weak and foolish because of course, I am the one wanting to contact him. How do you get your strength and self-esteem out of this type of rejection? Hi casoria99, I will tell you that in my situation XMM issued the final NC. He said it was because if we continued in contact that we would end up hurting to many people. What was he saying? I don't know?? Yes it leaves me hanging and feeling rejected but this "A" was getting me NO where except further away from a marriage that is so worth trying to make work. AP
Curmudgeon Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 It's not necessary to either love him or hate him. Those aren't the only choices. By maintaining NC, in time you can reach the blessed state of indifference.
Author casoria99 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 No contact means no contact. Please explain to me why that is so difficult to understand. I'm really confused here. I would think that if a MM, or anyone for that matter, doesn't want to have contact with you, it's clear what he is saying. I am using the words NO CONTACT because I see it used in this forum and I am labelling my current situation with this guy with NC because that's the lingo here. He and I never called it NO CONTACT or really quit contacting each other. And again, I am just confused at how we could have a lot of fun and he tells me "blah, blah, blah" and then it's over so quickly. I suppose we have both initiated NC in the past but we didn't call it that. We just said "let's end this" or "let's stop" or "we can't do this" and then we would get back together. But this time there is finality on both of our parts yet the way he did it crushed me and showed me how little respect he had for me and ALSO showed me how much respect I had for myself because we argued simply because I told him what I deserved and if he couldn't meet it then he needed to step. And so he did in the way that would give him the power to triumphantly return home as a confessed sinner. I am glad that it is over because it wasn't good but I also miss him, too. And he is acting as if he HATES me, as if he was a victim and I slithered on my belly to lure him. I didn't! I will just say it in here but this is what I wish I could tell him: I told you I was tired and wanted to leave. But you wouldn't have it. I begged you not to call me, not to come by, not to email me. Yet you did all of those things. When you knew I was going to leave you, you kept calling me and even called me at the oddest times (well odd for you). You cooked for me, brought me gifts, gave me money, and kept telling me that I was special. And you cried. For those last two weeks, the relationship was the BEST that it could have been and I actually felt like I knew where I stood with you, but then in two hours, you decide to go from LOVING me to HATING me?.?.? You treat me like I am dirt and swept the floor from underneath me. And the thing is that you didn't have to do that. I was so tired of seeing you that you could have just walked away and didn't ever have to put any of us through that pain. But you also knew that I loved you so much. I loved you that I felt this love for you in every pour of my body, in my heart, my stomach, everywhere! But I wasn't getting that in return from you. You came around to me and I didn't want to talk to you. But you knew what I wanted and acted out the role for me. And I believed you! So for you to do that to me, to consider me unvaluable is your thoughts and not mine. I realize that you were an IMPOSTER, well dressed, handsome and charismatic and I fell for you. If you had come to me fat, stinky, and sloppy, I would have recognized the ENEMY. But of course you came dressed for my eyes to adore. I just want to ask you this question. Did hurting me help her feel any better about herself? Does she feel like she has a Knight in Shining Armour? Do you feel like you are a better man? Do you feel empowered by hurting me? What did you gain from this? Would it have been possible to have given me the courtesy of us walking away? Don't you realize it would have taken less energy from you to allow me to have left and you left me? Or was that too much for your ego? If your heart is as kind as I have seen, will you be able to justify this 10 years down the road? Will you look back and feel remorse for what you did? To tell me that you lied to me about loving me because you got "stripped" in front of your kids is good to know. But I have to ask, did you really not love me ever? Or was I just a good time? Will you appreciate me for being apart of your mid-life crisis? And how do you feel stomping on a woman? If that gives you power, would you have the courage to do this to a man? If I had family or brothers around me, would you have been too afraid to hurt me? Do you miss me? Do you ever hope that I will be able to forgive you? Will you ever cry again but this time CRY BECAUSE YOU MISS MY SMILE? I know...lot's of questions but just some things that I would ask to find closure. I guess closure would have been for him to tell me THANK YOU for putting up with his crap and that he LOVED ME and really appeciated my strength to endure such a tumultuous relationship. I guess I am looking for some APPRECIATION. But I know I won't get that. So these are my thoughts and I got them out of my system and cried while typing it and I hope that by using this forum I will rinse myself from this pain and become a better person. I didn't want anything but a friend. And what I got was an enemy. I will get through this and I am thankful for this forum because in some ways it is counseling and I appreciate all of you for your input.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 OK. I have not read everything in this thread. I'm just responding to the original question: What is NC for? Here's the deal. NC is NOT a tool. It is NOT something you USE. NC is just that. NC. Meaning, NO CONTACT. Actually, I think they need to change the name from LoveShack to NO CONTACT. I had never heard the stupid term before LS. But I digress. No Contact means: NO phone calls, texts, emails, looks, etc., of ANY kind. NC means "LET.IT.GO....Buh bye...." THAT's what NC means.
Author casoria99 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 You have to start thinking about yourself, and replace those thoughts of him. Start thinking about your future and what you want for yourself. Make plans for things you'd like to do - start planning a vacation, or look into a career change, or maybe you want to renovate your bathroom. There has to be something you want in your life besides this man, so try to focus on getting one of those things you want. Where do you want to be a year from now? What do you want in your life a year from now? Make it happen. When I've had heartbreak, it has been useful to me to think of a phrase to tell myself when I start thinking about the ex...something like, "HE did this. HE made things end this way. HE gave me this pain. HE DID THIS!" And then I hold on to that anger, and deliberately shut off the other thoughts, the ones that make me miss him, because in the end, HE wasn't the man I needed him to be. There's also another exercise I've found useful. Set aside an hour each day where you give yourself permission to think about this guy, to cry, to scream, to mope, whatever. And the rest of the day, when thoughts of him creep in, tell yourself you can't think about him now, you'll save those thoughts for later during that hour. Each week, decrease that hour by 15 minutes. EXCELLENT! I will start that tomorrow! And I did something else along these lines. I wrote down ALL OF THE BAD THINGS that happened to me in 2006. I wrote down everything. And you know what? Most of the bad things that happened was directly related to this guy, or other things that I did not do well because I was thinking about him or dealing with a stressful situation related to him. I had 48 things that were bad although there were many more. But the 48 things were pretty serious and stressful and I realized that my health had gotten so bad that I could have had a stroke this year. And he would not have been anywhere around. So I took that list and I burned it in a fireproof can. And then I wrote down all of the good things that I want in 2007. ANd I tucked it in my kitchen cabinet to look at it on january 1, 2008 to see what I actually get finished. I have a vengeful streak in me as well. Another thing that is motivating me is that I want to spend the equivalent of the time that I spent with him working on myself, putting all of that passion into ME, ME, ME, that I hope to have 10,000 people who know me and care about me in place of this ONE man and I hope to be so famous that he can't turn on Fox News or read the newspaper without seeing my name. I don't necessarily want him to think "ohhhhh I let her get away." I want him to be COMPLETELY DISTURBED BY THE FACT THAT I AM HAPPY AND SURVIVING WITHOUT HIM. I hope that I get married and it is such a publicized wedding that every channel in my city has a helicopter trying to televise it! HAHA! I know that what he knows about me will not matter down the road. But right now, this is what I am using to motivate myself to become better and get more out of life! What doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
Author casoria99 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 It's not necessary to either love him or hate him. Those aren't the only choices. By maintaining NC, in time you can reach the blessed state of indifference. Yes I am realizing that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
frannie Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 What happened is she found an email that he wrote and then read it in front of his 13 and 15 year olds. He is a proud father. And she stripped him naked in front of his kids. Most kids do not like to hear about sex from their parents let alone with another woman. You would have to know her and him. She uses the kids as pawns because she knows that he will do anything to prove being a father to them. She has threatened to poison the kids and to take them and kill them if she doesn't get her way. He wants to leave but can't leave because he doesn't want to hurt the kids and because he cannot be the bad guy that leaves. And the other many reasons why they stay with their wives that they SAY they don't love. I don't know about anyone else, but this sickens me to the bottom of my stomach. If he had any love left for her before, I can't imagine he has any now. How people will use their children never ceases to amaze me. No doubt she thinks they deserve to know 'the truth about their father'. I am appalled.
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