changwang310 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 i've got a question for all you breakup gurus, how does someone (the dumpee) all of a sudden come out of nowhere to say "miss you, i sorry, i want you back" if you've done NC for a month cuz i told her we can't be friends. Doesn't the attraction need to be build up first from the ground up beginning with friendship/acquaintences? Women have pride and egos and i think it gets in the way of them to just come crawling back to you after a month NC Has this all become a game between the dumper and the dumpee of who will crack/breakdown first?
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 NC isn't a game to get people back. It's for you to heal more quickly and move on, because the dumper hanging around trying to be "friends" is usually really hard on the dumpee and makes them miserable. You're supposed to be getting on with your life and not thinking about the dumper coming back. It usually never works out even if the dumper does come back - all the problems are still there that caused the break-up in the first place. As for pride, women don't let anything stop them if they want a guy back that they dumped.
Author changwang310 Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 i don't know about all these theories because in return , they backfired on me. i followed NC to the letter but i got a call from her best friend (also one of my best friends lol) saying that she's starting to worry less and less about me and was serious about it. So in order to salvage whatz left of the relationship i contacted her before it detoriorated anymore. I talked to her for 2 hours, she was kinda cold in the beginning but i told her to drop the "i-don't-want-to-hurt-you-act, so im gonna make you think im a bitch" (because i told her not to contact me cuz it would prevent my healing process). and after that we talked for another 2 hours and was very natural and a bit flirting and upbeat, i know she still has feelings for me, i just need to see her in person to re-ignite the flame. I'm just nervous cuz there is no more room for error and can't come off as too clingy or too flamboyant cuz her friend told me that she knows there's alot of girls running after me and doesn't know if she wants to come back because of that. I thought i'd look like a prize to her, but instead its a turn off. I just think she's looking for the good looking down to earth kinda guy that she met in the first place I guess my case is the exception because my girl is unlike any girl out their, really truly is the good girl marry type that doesn't lie to herself or anyone. and girls like these you don't find in clubs, parties, etc she doesn't go out much and all those reasons and 1000s more are why i love her very much I know this friendship thing is forbidden here, but i just can't seem to convince myself (atleast in my situation) that she's gonna come out of nowhere to start loving me again. I'm going with the theory that we have to start all over again like when we first just met and build our way back up to where we were. Things will be different, i must've read 3-4 books on relationships to see where i went wrong and found out i did everything wrong and know exactly what to do in my next relationship whether its with her or not. any thoughts?
Distracted Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Changwang310, this may sound harsh but I believe its the truth... If you are willing to rake your heart over the coals again and again for the chance that this ex who left you will have a change of heart and come back to the relationship, then I don't think full NC is the way to go. It is easier to move on when someone is totally out of your life... whether you did the dumping or were the dumpee. For more immediate results... don't call her but take your friends and show up places you think she might be, but don't show up all the time- make sporadic appearances, dont' talk to her in these places unless she talks to you first- you can give her a sincere smile if she walks directly by you- but do not stare at her or stalk her in anyway. If she talks to you do not talk about the relationship, do not share the details of your life other than surfacey things(make her wonder if you have moved on and are dating someone new), and most importanly have a fantastic time (or at least appear to) whenever you are in the same place. Mystery and jealousy are great manipulators. Clearly this is a game, and it is not going to help you move forward or heal. In fact it will delay your healing substantially because every action on her part will be analyzed and fretted about every time you see her or speak to her. And in a few months you will either still be hurting as much as you are now, or you will be back together with her hoping she suddenly decided she loves you without reservation and that's why she came back and not because you played all these games so well. True NC is to benefit you... to help you heal, not as a manipulation tactic. If in 60 days of complete and true NC you still want her back, then maybe send out a line and test the waters. She may be missing you and realize that she shouldn't have left (in which case she will likely be more willing to work on the issues in your relationship) or she will have moved on, and you will have started the process as well. In either case you are not playing a game but coming from a real place of understanding, and if you do reconcille, the potential to "startover" and let the attraction build is a lot more likely than 1 month after the breakup. Just my experience...
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 i don't know about all these theories because in return , they backfired on me. i followed NC to the letter but i got a call from her best friend (also one of my best friends lol) saying that she's starting to worry less and less about me and was serious about it. So in order to salvage whatz left of the relationship i contacted her before it detoriorated anymore. Again, the purpose of NC is not to get people back. It's to help you to move on and get over the heartbreak, something that's hard to do when you are in contact because each time you talk, the scab is ripped off. The purpose of NC is to help you heal. I know this friendship thing is forbidden here, but i just can't seem to convince myself (atleast in my situation) that she's gonna come out of nowhere to start loving me again. You can't rely on NC to get people back. That might happen with some people, but that's a by-product based on the perverse nature of people who want what they can't have. Jealousy is like that, too. Some people, when faced with someone else having you, will want you back. Others will absolutely not want you back at all. Not everyone is like that. If I told my bf I didn't want any contact anymore, or if he knew I was going on dates, he would totally respect that and I'd never hear from him. I would never tell him NC unless I was truly ready to move on from the relationship. I'm going with the theory that we have to start all over again like when we first just met and build our way back up to where we were. Things will be different, i must've read 3-4 books on relationships to see where i went wrong and found out i did everything wrong and know exactly what to do in my next relationship whether its with her or not. any thoughts? I don't know what went wrong in your relationship and why she broke up with you. But if you think you can do better a second time around, then by all means, do what you need to do. You know her best.
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