Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I did not post this for a bunch of people who do not understand us to make judgements and moral comments about myself, my husband or my children. I thought I was asking for help, none of this is helpful, it is simply a bunch of people making themselves feel better about themselves by passing judgement on me/us. No. You posted to ask how you can keep your lover from busting you out in a LIE BY OMISSION that you've perpetrated upon your children. My advice to you is NOT to lie to your children. The marriage model you've set before them is faulty. It is NOT what it appears to be. It includes subterfuge. And THAT's what they'll end up basing their own future relationships on. Those kids probably think marriage and monogamy is easy. What they don't know is that monogamy doesn't exist in the model they've been observing. Their expectations of love and marriage can't help but become skewed. Look, if what you're doing isn't embarrassing to you... why hide it? Your daughter is a teenager. She's certainly old enough to catch you red-handed without a whole lot of effort. Just because a kid is under 21 doesn't mean they're stupid. Let her catch you LYING to her though about the very foundation of her family, and I think you'll wish she'd only caught you with your knickers down. Because after that... EVERYTHING you've ever said to her is suspect. But... suit yourself. Go ahead and take that as a "moral judgment".
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Ok, I've gone back and re-read your posts... Bottomline, your kids come first. I am very close to my kids and very self aware. I know the type of influence I have on them. Yes, but you have NO control over what the OM does, says or acts around your kids. IF he is still displaying controlling and game playing behaviour, you gotta say goodbye to him as he isn't healthy for you, your husband OR your kids. You may know the rules and your H may know the rules, but now you have a 3rd party involved who makes up the rules or changes the rules when he feels like it. Have you thought that MAYBE he cannot handle this situation? But is too weak to end it and walk away? Maybe he's completely inlove with you, yet knows he can never really "have" you as his own, so his emotions are ruling him. Yes, it's an open marriage, but he is also a HUGE threat to ruining your family. Fast forward to the day your daughter finds out... LJ's advice is always amazing, so take what she says into consideration. Oh, she isn't judging, it's called tough love and that type of advice is the best kind, sorry if you feel threatened or judged by the responses...But, if you truely believe in what you're doing in your life, NOONE'S opinion here would upset you.
Author WildKittySub Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 I don't think its LJ's posts I found offensive. We aren't lying to the kids, they do know I see my ex, just not how far that relationship goes. They know I spend 5 days at a time visiting him. But, the fact that we have sex is not discussed. Nor is the fact that my husband and I have sex. I believe it would be wrong to discuss any sex life of ours, though we do discuss sex in general openly, with them. When I was a single parent, I never introduced my dates to my son either. I didnt' want him to get to know and care about somebody who may be gone soon. It's sort of the same here. The kids (and they aren't small children, one is almost 15, the other almost 25) know that mom has to deal with many men in what I do (and no, I'm NOT a prostitute, these men are all officers of one type or another), and are used to constant calls. They are not used to any of those men getting so demanding when its obviously not business. I make an exception for my ex, because he will always, in some way, be a part of our lives. He's a friend, first and foremost. Even at that though, HE never does this type of thing. He's very respectful of our family. The posts I have issue with are the ones that automatically, and obviously without reading, assume I'm sleeping around, or that I went looking for this guy. We are talking TWO men in 15 years! One for 14 of those years and this one very recently, which I've been trying to break off with since about a month after it started. I didn't, it just happened, the timing was bad, my ex was in a bad space (his own son died), which put me in a bad space. Then I was thrown together with this guy for days on end in a work related situation, stuck in a vehicle for hours and hours on end and it just happened. I agree, if he can't/won't follow the rules, which are few, then its not worth it in any way. My bigger issue is I do HAVE to depend on him at times for my own personal safety (strange since at times he's who I feel I need protection from now), because of what we each do. There is no other person I can call. Actually, I don't call him, I call a main number that dispatches him. Right now I guess I hope it dies a natural death or he moves on, because making him angry (and telling him its over would), is a very bad plan, especially at this time of the year. We are headed into the season where I will have no choice but to deal with him often. My ex is now in a better space, that will go back to the way it was. Which is better, it does keep things "neater". He's far away, our get togethers are planned, and in another state. You are right, his involving my daughter was just too far over the line. Like I said, my ex talks to her and she adores him, but its different, he talks to her as my friend and her friend, not in a fit of anger because I didn't pick up the cell phone within 2 minutes of his call at night on a holiday weekend! Respect is the key in this household and in any relationship and I guess he's shown he doesn't have it. I just wanted to be sure it wasn't that I was making him feel bad by not being the one to ever call him if its not business related and that was causing this mess. And, I'm not sure if its obvious, but due to his job and mine, I'm not stating everything, or I'm skirting a few details because he can lose his job for this and I don't want to hurt the guy, I just want to be sure I didn't hurt him and not have him hurt my family. But I dont want to risk that somebody will read this and figure out who we both are either. That would be bad for me professionally, but he could lose his job.
norajane Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I asked for opinions on THIS situation, NOT on our lifestyle. So, if OW or OM would like to express their opinion on whether I did somethng to cause this person to feel bad, or whether he's just incapable of following the rules (and anybody who gets involved with a married person, who is honest, should understand there are rules), I welcome your comments. I think what you aren't really grasping here is that it is your lifestyle that is the source of your problems, and people are trying to point that out. OW and OM are typically people that get into a relationship with a married person and LOVE them. They are often hoping that the MP leaves their spouse. They generally are not content with being the Other - they are usually not content with it because it leaves them with only a partial relationship. Your open marriage worked with your past partner ONLY BECAUSE your past partner was fine with the situation. You are not likely to find many other people who are just fine and dandy being the Other Person, unless it's a skeezball who is in it for the sex only. Your rules are going to be a problem for just about anyone.
silktricks Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 I just wanted to be sure it wasn't that I was making him feel bad by not being the one to ever call him if its not business related and that was causing this mess. You have an interesting life. Not one that I would choose, mind you, but it's certainly interesting. I like your insistence on honesty, because that is really the crux of any good relationship. I'm glad you and your husband are happy. Now to the question at hand. It sounds to me, like the OM in question is used to being in a position of some control and power. He may have fallen for you, and so is now unable to keep himself to himself. But even if that is the case, his lack of control of the situation is probably exacerbating the problem. Regardless, though, you've gotten yourself into a pickle. The easiest way for you to deal with it is probably to let him know that you simply can't continue the relationship. You don't really need to make it his problem, that he broke the rules - you can just not be able to continue the relationship.
Author WildKittySub Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 No. You posted to ask how you can keep your lover from busting you out in a LIE BY OMISSION that you've perpetrated upon your children No, I posted to ask if my not calling him and making it so that he had to make all the contact had lead to this situation. I brought up the incident with my daughter as an illustration is all. As I've said, IF my children find out, they will deal with it. It will not be the first time they have known and loved people in open relationships. They are very open minded people, because they were raised to be. Again, I just don't believe in sharing my sex life with my children. We do openly discuss sex, but not in an "I do this" kind of way. No child wants to think of their parent as having sex, even with their spouse. I think what you aren't really grasping here is that it is your lifestyle that is the source of your problems, and people are trying to point that out. No, I know and am related to MANY people who have similar lifestyles with very long term, very strong marriages and even "side relationships" (for lack of a better term). The fact that this isn't the norm obviously bothers many of you. I didn't ask you opinions on my lifestyle, my children or anything other than, did my actions lead to this person doing what he did. Some of you obviously are not truly reading and are having a great time feeling morally superior. I think those of you who speak so high and mighty would be shocked to know how many people you know and work with who live EXACTLY as we do! What I'm doing is not wrong. This choice was very poor, but there were a lot of factors leading up to it. Had it been a normal time in my life, it would not have happened. Again, due to what I do and what he does, ending it isn't quite so easy. But, will get done. It sounds to me, like the OM in question is used to being in a position of some control and power. He may have fallen for you, and so is now unable to keep himself to himself. But even if that is the case, his lack of control of the situation is probably exacerbating the problem. Regardless, though, you've gotten yourself into a pickle. The easiest way for you to deal with it is probably to let him know that you simply can't continue the relationship. You don't really need to make it his problem, that he broke the rules - you can just not be able to continue the relationship. THANK YOU for actually listening, reading and understanding what I'm asking! You are right, a pickle is certainly what I've gotten myself into and now its time to safely get myself out. Due to the professional connection, it won't be easy. But, it was a choice I made, for whatever reason, I made it and I will get myself out of it. Thank you to those of you who did take the time to read and understand what I was asking. I'm really not sure I will be back to this forum as I originally thought it was a forum for non-judgemental, open discussions, and have found during this thread that is not the case. I try very hard not to judge others. As long as they are honest and not actively trying to hurt others, it is not my business to tell anybody how to live. And I really don't need others who make themselves feel better by trying to be superior to those who are different, making assumptions (most extremely wrong) about my life, family and situation. In any event, thank you again to those who did help and listen. It is greatly appreciated. And good luck in what you are looking for in this forum. I hope you had better luck then I did.
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