Dealing with OM

[WildKittySub]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post in this section, but it seems the logical place to me.

I'm a MW in an open marriage. This has worked great for us for 15 years. For 15 years, the OM was my ex. He lives half a country away, so we saw each other several times a year, when it was all coordinated with both of our schedules. My husband was fully aware that this is how it would be when we married and he's fine with it, so this is NOT my issue.

 

Things changed with my ex, due to a tragedy in his life. I dealt with this pretty well for a long time, then met a man who reminded me of him. So, we started up a relationship.

 

Now, I was VERY honest from the beginning, before anything happened. My husband knows, my kids cannot. I'm not looking for sex, but a "package". I need the things from him that I don't get from my husband. Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful, but there are things we don't have in common and this guy and I seemed to. There were also rules stated up front; no calling when children are home, no calling on weekends, never say you will call and then don't call. Our schedules seemed a perfect fit.

 

Well, about a month into it, he started breaking the rules all over the place. Calling a lot when my daughter was home. During Thanksgiving weekend things got REALLY ugly, he called and got a hold of my daughter and was pretty hateful. She's a teenager, not stupid and the one thing that is a huge "nono" is the kids finding out, which he knows.

 

So, I laid down the rules again.

 

Now mind you, during the week, if he called and wanted to see me, I went over. Its not like he was constantly waiting. But he didn't like being restricted.

 

I understand not wanting to be alone for the holidays, but isn't that part of seeing a married person? And I would have made time to see him some, but he turned into such a jerk.

 

So, for the last month I've just figured things were done and over and I was totally fine with that. My ex has actually gotten much better and I have a trip planned to see him.

 

Well, this weekend, this OM contacted me and was just like he was in the beginning, reasonable and great. He said there is a reason for how he was acting, but he wanted to talk about it, not IM (which is where we were talking, so he is able to talk to me after the child is home, just not on the phone).

I guess this guy is under my skin, because I told him if he called me early in the week, and if whatever he had to say made sense, then ok, we'd try again.

Well, its Monday, he didn't call.

 

Now, I've never been the one to pursue him, I've always let him make the moves. I don't know what he has going on in his private life and don't want to interfere. I know I have no rights in that area.

 

Am I being stupid? Given that all the rules were laid out very clearly in the beginning, isn't he being a bit unreasonable?

 

He claimed he wanted a married woman because he doesn't want to be tied down, but then turned around and wanted unlimited access.

 

Oh, I'd also told him in the beginning that we could take weekends together at times, if it was planned. But he'll IM and ask if I want to watch a movie NOW. When I say we have to plan that, he acts surprised that I could spend a night out if we plan.

 

I don't understand him, I feel like he's playing games, and I don't have time for games.

 

Some of you may think I'm the MW, I deserve to have a jerk. But, I'm honest with all parties involved, and feel he hasn't really been.

 

For those of you that are the other person, what do you think?

[kymberann]

I'm confused over this soo... let me see if I get it. You are married, had an x when you were married and are now in an affair with someone else who reminds you of the x? Husband knows about this A with current Om right?

So why the secrecy. I understand the concerns about your daughter, so do you hide outings from your H?

 

I need the things from him that I don't get from my husband. Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful, but there are things we don't have in common and this guy and I seemed to.

 

I am not trying to make a judgement call, because believe me lots of us have been there, but why stay in the M if this is going on? Relationships change all the time. No R is a guarentee.

 

Anyway, so now OM is breaking rules. If he is playing the games, and you don't agree then why not just send him on his way?

 

But it soulnds from your post that that is not what you want to do? WHat do you really want from the OM?

 

Now, I've never been the one to pursue him, I've always let him make the moves.

NOw I question that because didn't you say things had to be planned, but yet he is tryng to spend time with you. Point is, that part does not sound unreasonable.

 

I could go on, but something I would like to point out though: If you continue with the A you need to reasses what is the benefit, do you really like this guy, are you stringing him along. What good is going to come from all of this?

I recall when I was in the A with a MM I often called up on the spur just to see him. I hated waiting and wondering when our next chance to be together would be. I needed reassurance he was still there, still interested and still thinking of me. I wasn't desperate, I just needed assurance we were still on. Perhaps this is what your OM is doing?

Hope this helps.

Best

[WildKittySub]

Boy, I'm not good at explaining things.

 

So why the secrecy. I understand the concerns about your daughter, so do you hide outings from your H?

 

No, I do not hide anything from H, but kids cannot find out. AND OM has a job that he could get fired from for this. So that is where the "secrecy" comes in.

 

I am married and happily so, but no one person can be everything to another. Things like, I love to dance and H does not. I like some outdoor activities that H does not. He's fine with me doing this with somebody else. For almost 15 years this was my ex, who then couldn't fill that role for quite a while, so I felt I needed to find another, but I was VERY honest with this guy. It seemed the perfect situation for us both.

 

He's free during the day, I'm free during the day. Sometimes we can do weekends together, that kind of thing.

 

I guess your last statement is what I'm asking. This is a guy who seriously could walk into pretty much anyplace and get "laid" if he wanted to. Supposedly that's not all that this was about. So, is he playing games, or does he need reassurance.

 

While I've been in an open marriage since I've been married, its been with one man who I knew inside and out. He had his quirks, and I knew them, so I knew how to deal with them. This is almost like dating as a single person, all new, trying to actually get to know the person.

 

And, BTW, the OM is actually MUCH more secretive than I am. Which also worries me. Mostly for safety issues. Of course any physical stuff I am very safe, but there is still always a risk, and if he's being secretive, then what is the risk? (that's rhetorical). With my ex, I always knew this. While none of us give details, we don't feel the need, we are always honest about whether or not there are others involved, so we all know just how much risk there is.

 

Is this making more sense?

 

Sometimes I feel like the OM thinks of me as a desperate housewife, which could not be further from the truth. So, is he just messing with me to see how far he can push, or is it that he needs reassurance?

 

During the week, and online anytime, he can always reach me if he wants. And during the week, if he calls and I'm not busy, I have always been available for him. So why push the only few rules that there are?

[whichwayisup]

During Thanksgiving weekend things got REALLY ugly, he called and got a hold of my daughter and was pretty hateful. She's a teenager, not stupid and the one thing that is a huge "nono" is the kids finding out, which he knows.

 

And this IS your reason to give the OM the boot forever. It seems he isn't happy with the "arrangement" and probably wants more. I'm sure his feelings are ruling his emotions, hense the phone calls at home when your daughter and kids were home.

 

HE has feelings for you, that is why he keeps on pushing it. It seems obvious that he can't handle a casual no real strings attached relationship with you... So, if you the peace at home with your kids, end it with him.

 

The thing is, the older your daughter gets (and your other kids too) they WILL find out. You can hide what you do all you want, but kids snoop, they listen to phone calls too - Just be aware of that.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask? Does your husband know what is going on with the OM? The other option is getting your H to talk to him - Set the rules and boundries up. Also, just curious, but is the OM jealous of your husband?

[norajane]

While I've been in an open marriage since I've been married, its been with one man who I knew inside and out. He had his quirks, and I knew them, so I knew how to deal with them. This is almost like dating as a single person, all new, trying to actually get to know the person.

 

I think what is happening is that you are discovering that having an open marriage isn't as simple as you think. It has worked for you all these years, but it may only have worked because of your specific past-OM. But a man who can be the third party in an open marriage...those kind of guys are few and far between. Most other men are going to cause problems in your life.

 

Think of it this way: there are many people who decide to have a FWB relationship. And, in the beginning, they think it will work out fine since neither of them is interested in a full relationship. But, it eventually turns out that one falls in love, or expectations aren't being met, or the rules are broken, and then it gets ugly. Sometimes neither of them expects or intends for things to get ugly, but they usually do.

 

I think this new guy is probably not the kind of guy that can handle the kind of relationship you want to have with him. He's clearly shown that he can't follow the rules, and isn't likely to respect them.

 

My advice would be to cut this relationship short. If you must have another man, make sure it is someone you have known for a while and whom you can trust to do this the way you want it done.

[cbl]

some men (and some women too) just don't like to play by the rules. they like to break them. they like it to be their games, not yours.

 

if he did not come back to you on monday (again i speculate that he does not want to play by your rules), why don't you just let him go, since he's not following your rules? will there be more harms to be without him than to be with him in your life?

[RecordProducer]

Sometimes I feel like the OM thinks of me as a desperate housewife, which could not be further from the truth. So, is he just messing with me to see how far he can push, or is it that he needs reassurance?

 

During the week, and online anytime, he can always reach me if he wants. And during the week, if he calls and I'm not busy, I have always been available for him. So why push the only few rules that there are?

Hm... our famous questions "Is he playing games?" and "Does he need reassurance?" We (women) just never learn, huh!

 

It's neither. He broke the rules because he doesn't respect you enough. He was nasty with your daughter for the same reason. He doesn't care that he broke the rules. Don't contact him until he contacts you. When he does, see what he wants. And don't be so available for those men, for heaven's sake!

[WildKittySub]

Can I ask? Does your husband know what is going on with the OM? The other option is getting your H to talk to him - Set the rules and boundries up.

 

Hubby is not going to do that. He knows what's going on, its kinda hard to miss and since he is my best friend, I have discussed this with him. There was so much going on over the holidays, both in our lives and the OM's, that my husband is actually being the nice one and saying give him a second chance and see how things are now that all the craziness of the holidays and things are over. That probably sounds odd to some, but with my ex this HAS worked for so long that he's used to it and doesn't mind it. And he's the type willing to give anybody the benefit of the doubt.

 

Also, just curious, but is the OM jealous of your husband?

 

He doesn't seem to be. He's called here and talked to him on the phone many times and never been rude or anything. My ex was, but he is mature enough to admit it and we deal with it.

 

But, it eventually turns out that one falls in love, or expectations aren't being met, or the rules are broken, and then it gets ugly.

 

See, part of me wonders this and another thinks he's just a spoiled child who wants his way. He's just slightly younger then I am, but never really been in a committed relationship and I think he's not sure how to handle relationships. If he was honest about this, we could deal with it, but honesty does not seem to be his strong point, especially when it comes to feelings.

 

The thing is, the older your daughter gets (and your other kids too) they WILL find out. You can hide what you do all you want, but kids snoop, they listen to phone calls too - Just be aware of that.

 

Trust me, I'm fully aware of this. Because of what I do, and the type of person I am, my kids are used to a lot of men calling here for me (no, I'm not a call girl or anything) in an official capacity and I flirt like crazy. Its a huge joke around here. It hasn't been a problem, because I wasn't involved with any of the others, but his freaking out like he did because he couldn't get a hold of me did have her wondering, I know it did. And if my son, who is older and moved out, were to find out, he'd pay the guy a visit! Now, with my ex, this was never an issue, he respected the boundaries, and even has met my daughter (lived with my son many years ago) and even still helps her with homework over the phone. He's like part of the family.

 

My advice would be to cut this relationship short. If you must have another man, make sure it is someone you have known for a while and whom you can trust to do this the way you want it done.

 

And here I guess is my REAL problem. In order to end this, it has to either die a natural death or HE has to break it off. I chose REALLY badly this time! Because of our professional relationship, I will and do have to work with him at times, and when I do, sometimes lives depend on it. I can't say much more then that, because I don't want others to read this and figure out who either of us is. I would not be in trouble, just have a reputation I don't want, but he could lose his job and that is not something I want.

 

I didn't specifically tell him he had to call Monday, though I should have, I said "beginning of the week". So, to me, if he doesn't call today (Tuesday), then ok, I'm done.

But I've seen how ugly he gets just when he doesn't get his way for a few days, I'm not sure how ugly it will get if I call this off.

 

Ok, I chose VERY poorly.

But, I do like him, when he's in his nice form. I don't like him when he's not. He can actually be a bit scary.

 

This was much easier with a man on the other side of the country! At least the boundaries are set by distance if nothing else.

[WildKittySub]

Just a little update.

OM did IM me this morning and was pretty hateful. He said he was too busy to do what he agreed to do this weekend, call the beginning of the week and explain what's going on. He would have known his schedule when he agreed to do this.

 

My feelings are very hurt, but I have to be done. The problem is, I'm afraid that if he decides he doesn't want it over, he will go off again and call the house when he shouldn't and so forth.

 

I really have been completely honest from day one. I've also been as flexible as a married person can be.

 

Maybe it is what somebody earlier said and he fell when he shouldn't have or didn't want to and didn't deal with that well. I'm a very open person who could have talked this through, he's a very closed person, who obviously has very little relationship experience (not something I knew when this all started).

 

I'm hurt, I'm a bit sad, and I'm worried about what will happen now.

 

Oh well, I guess it is hard on both sides, no matter how open and honest people are.

[frannie]

Hello there... I was just about to reply on this and then read your last post where you seem to have decided it really is over.

 

I think you've made the right decision. In the situation you have described (and in the kind of relationship you have with this OM, judging by your words here and your handle), rules need to be agreed and followed by both parties. The fact he can't do that is enough. No respect. And the fact he's put you in danger of discovery by your daughter is unforgiveable from my perspective.

 

Yes, as you've said, you really need to choose a partner for this extremely carefully. If he can overstep boundaries as far as discretion is concerned, think how he might just 'lose his temper' and want to push things too far during something more physical.

[WildKittySub]

I think you've made the right decision. In the situation you have described (and in the kind of relationship you have with this OM, judging by your words here and your handle),

 

Just so you know, I know my title reads in a sexual manner, but it has nothing to do with sex. Its based on how I spend my real life. Unfortunately, it can be taken two ways.

 

 

rules need to be agreed and followed by both parties. The fact he can't do that is enough. No respect. And the fact he's put you in danger of discovery by your daughter is unforgiveable from my perspective.

 

That's what I'm thinking. He has made sure to break EVERY little rule put forth, and there were very few. I always thought calling while the family was home would be one that would not even have to be stated.

Whatever this guy SAID he was looking for in the beginning, and I really think in his head he believes it, he really wants it all. I've told him many times, "you need a real girlfriend, not a married woman". And honestly, I hope he finds one. But, before he does, I hope he works a bit on himself, which I kind of doubt he will. He's a nice person, he's also very self absorbed, but not at all self aware.

 

Yes, as you've said, you really need to choose a partner for this extremely carefully. If he can overstep boundaries as far as discretion is concerned, think how he might just 'lose his temper' and want to push things too far during something more physical.

 

So far, he's never scared me in an intimate setting, but I can't count how many times I've been with him in normal settings that I've had to tell him he's scaring me. I've left before because is anger seemed so out of control.

He really has no control when it comes to his emotions.

 

I'm honestly sad about all of this. As a person, I do like him. And since we will have to work together as time goes on, I hope he can be adult enough to do that and not have this interfere.

I know he's done things like driven by here, he's made sure I know, by hinting so much I finally had to ask, and gone to my other facility, which he just comes out and tells me. That creeps me out. If he won't even call when he says he will, why do this?

 

Like I said, I chose very poorly this time.

[RecordProducer]

Because of what I do, and the type of person I am, my kids are used to a lot of men calling here for me (no, I'm not a call girl or anything) in an official capacity and I flirt like crazy. Its a huge joke around here.

I don't want to interfere in how you raise your children, but I can't help but give you my opinion about this: I don't think it's so great for children to see their mother as a flirty person. Despite of the knowledge that our parents have sex lives and a need to be desirable, we want to see some decent behavior from them. In the same way as you want to see your doctor or teacher or lawyer in a professional edition and not flirting and fooling around, the role of mother is exactly that - mother. Not sexy, horny lady. And although you might think that your kids think it's funny, it's only because they don't know any better. We want to see our parents as parents, not as seducers and flirts. Please don't take this as criticism. I think we are not even aware what kind of influence we leave on our children (me, too).

 

May I ask what led to this open type of marriage? I admire your husband's understanding. Is he using the benefit of it also or is he not capable of it?

[WildKittySub]

I don't think it's so great for children to see their mother as a flirty person. Despite of the knowledge that our parents have sex lives and a need to be desirable, we want to see some decent behavior from them. ......the role of mother is exactly that - mother. Not sexy, horny lady.

 

I don't think you understand my definition of flirting. I, in no way, behave like a horny lady/woman. Yes, I flirt, but its done in a way that is not touchy feely, or disgusting. I have mostly male friends and my kids are used to that. My kids have no issues with it, we live in a very uptight area and none of their friends mothers even have issues with it. So, if you saw it, I don't think it would be what you are envisioning.

If it is, well, we all have different ways of raising our children, nobody knows THE right way, so we do what we feel is best.

My kids are VERY well adjusted, and anybody who meets them will tell you that. I don't believe I've done any harm, but I KNOW I have created a home life that has made it so that my children KNOW they can talk to me about anything and everything and they are safe.

 

 

And although you might think that your kids think it's funny, it's only because they don't know any better. We want to see our parents as parents, not as seducers and flirts. Please don't take this as criticism. I think we are not even aware what kind of influence we leave on our children (me, too).

 

I am very close to my kids and very self aware. I know the type of influence I have on them. What they see is an open person who is non-judgemental and friendly.

Like I said, I think you are envisioning something that isn't happening.

In fact, if I have a male friend who "takes it too far" in the flirting arena, I put a stop to it with the kids around. I'm flirty, but not in the way you think I am.

 

 

May I ask what led to this open type of marriage? I admire your husband's understanding. Is he using the benefit of it also or is he not capable of it?

 

This was something that was decided upon long before we married. I never wanted to be married because I don't think people are made to just be with one person. After three years of pushing, we had a very long talk and I told him why I would never marry. This was OUR solution. As I think I said early on in this thread, its been one man up to this point and there have been huge boundaries around that, due to distance. He is a man I lived with 20 years ago, and will love forever. He could not live this way, he has cheated on every wife, and been very dishonest about it and would not deal with her cheating. Its all in how we are raised. I was also raised in a family that has several open marriages, so its not abnormal for me.

We do have a very defined set of rules on what can and cannot happen as well.

I don't do this for the sex. I'm sure it seems like that's why most people do it, but I don't. In fact, if I could do it without the sex (men don't seem to do that well), I would.

No, my husband has not been with another woman. I've asked him many times if he wanted to and he's said no, he really doesn't. That is purely his choice, not mine. If he finds the right woman, he very well may, and that will be ok with me.

 

Studies show 80% of people cheat. I just don't lie about it.

 

I find it interesting that humans are fine with the fact that we can have multiple children and love them all equally but differently. We can have multiple parents and love them equally. We can have many true friends and love them all. But for some reason, people do not accept that this type of love can survive if there is more than one significant other.

 

I would not do this "openly" because of my children. I believe whatever they want to do with their lives in the future should not be influenced by what I do, and I don't believe in involving children in your sex life. Though we do openly talk about sex here if that is what they want to do, but not about this. I've also never said to my kids that I think cheating is ok. I think lying in any form is wrong and they know that.

 

I actually logged in here this morning to ask a question of the "other people" (men or women).

For quite some time now, I've had it be so that, if this man wanted to see me or talk to me, or whatever, it had to be him that contacts me. Unless its work related, I do not get in touch with him.

After talking to a couple of people and thinking about it for a while, I'm wondering if I've been fair to him in this. Did this behavior on my part, make him do what he is doing? I know if we were single and dating, I would have no issues calling and being called. I have no issues calling my ex, or emailing him or whatever.

Could this all be because I've made him feel bad that he has to "chase me"?

I did this partly because he is single and I don't want to accidently mess up his life (if he's with a woman or something) by calling at bad times. But now I'm wondering, if I were him, how would I feel about this?

 

Any thoughts from the "other people" on here about that?

[movinon05]

This is the first time I'm reading this thread and I see you've posted a few weeks later. Is this situation still going on?

 

My initial thoughts are and will be that he broke your rules. You have defined rules for a specific reason. He agreed to them. His back and forth behavior will continue. Is that what you want? It seems like you have more of a vested interest in this guy than you planned on. So you are trying to find excuses as to what might help to keep this R alive.

 

I imagine it must be very hard to find someone who is willing to accept a R/situation like this. I don't think this guy really knew what he was in for. In your situation, given your decisions about no calling because of your children, he disrespected that. How much are you willing to risk?

 

Really, its no different than any other OW/OM R. Once one party wants more from the R, that's when it gets sticky and complicated.

[pricillia]

I understand what OP is saying...

 

No one can be everything to someone, but you can be faithfull...

 

You should not have to sleep with another to fullfull needs.

 

You do not have to disclose everything to your partner, other people play different roles in your life... Friends both male and female fullfill a need as well as family...

 

I just don't get how anyone can continue a physical relationship with a man or a woman without feeling of love and devotion.

[frannie]

I actually logged in here this morning to ask a question of the "other people" (men or women).

For quite some time now, I've had it be so that, if this man wanted to see me or talk to me, or whatever, it had to be him that contacts me. Unless its work related, I do not get in touch with him.

After talking to a couple of people and thinking about it for a while, I'm wondering if I've been fair to him in this. Did this behavior on my part, make him do what he is doing? I know if we were single and dating, I would have no issues calling and being called. I have no issues calling my ex, or emailing him or whatever.

Could this all be because I've made him feel bad that he has to "chase me"?

 

Hello again WKS. First let me say that my MM and I were initially involved in a D/s situation, but we had to put that on the back burner because of the difficulties of combining that with having an affair. So I'm aware of what you're talking about, and the arrangement that you have with this man. However, yours is not an affair, neither is it cheating per se since your H is aware of what's happening and in agreement with it.

 

So... all that said and on to your question. You both agreed to a set of rules on this, and he didn't keep to them and constantly kept pushing the situation, to the extent of involving your child. That's bad news. No matter what his 'reasons' for doing that, it's bad behaviour on his part. What about the reasonable adult avenue of discussion, negotiation, a different set of rules if appropriate? I say once again, as in my earlier post: if you're engaging in this kind of activity, you have to be able to TRUST that he's not going to over-step the mark, disregard your safeword, or whatever rules you've set down in that regard.

 

Someone who cannot control himself in this way isn't someone you should be playing with (jmho). As you said yourself: you chose badly with him.

 

Now... what are you going to do about it..? If you can't walk away from this and find a different partner it seems that it's become more than the 'arrangement' your husband agreed to: purely play? Or is it that you're really doubting your own rules and initial reaction to him..? Where did you initially meet him... online or at a local munch..?

[frannie]

I don't do this for the sex. I'm sure it seems like that's why most people do it, but I don't. In fact, if I could do it without the sex (men don't seem to do that well), I would.

 

I just read you say this again on another thread and thought I'd come back and add something. If you want to do it without the sex, you should be able to find someone for that. Doing what you do doesn't have to be about sex, and there are plenty of men who will do it without sex. It can be agreed up front, part of the plan.

 

I'm just wondering (as in my last post) how wide a search you did for a partner, and whether or not you're looking widely enough or just accepting him because he's close or convenient or something..?

[Sup]

Boy, I'm not good at explaining things.

 

 

 

No, I do not hide anything from H, but kids cannot find out. AND OM has a job that he could get fired from for this. So that is where the "secrecy" comes in.

 

I am married and happily so, but no one person can be everything to another. Things like, I love to dance and H does not. I like some outdoor activities that H does not. He's fine with me doing this with somebody else. For almost 15 years this was my ex, who then couldn't fill that role for quite a while, so I felt I needed to find another, but I was VERY honest with this guy. It seemed the perfect situation for us both.

 

He's free during the day, I'm free during the day. Sometimes we can do weekends together, that kind of thing.

 

I guess your last statement is what I'm asking. This is a guy who seriously could walk into pretty much anyplace and get "laid" if he wanted to. Supposedly that's not all that this was about. So, is he playing games, or does he need reassurance.

 

While I've been in an open marriage since I've been married, its been with one man who I knew inside and out. He had his quirks, and I knew them, so I knew how to deal with them. This is almost like dating as a single person, all new, trying to actually get to know the person.

 

And, BTW, the OM is actually MUCH more secretive than I am. Which also worries me. Mostly for safety issues. Of course any physical stuff I am very safe, but there is still always a risk, and if he's being secretive, then what is the risk? (that's rhetorical). With my ex, I always knew this. While none of us give details, we don't feel the need, we are always honest about whether or not there are others involved, so we all know just how much risk there is.

 

Is this making more sense?

 

Sometimes I feel like the OM thinks of me as a desperate housewife, which could not be further from the truth. So, is he just messing with me to see how far he can push, or is it that he needs reassurance?

 

During the week, and online anytime, he can always reach me if he wants. And during the week, if he calls and I'm not busy, I have always been available for him. So why push the only few rules that there are?

 

 

I've GOTTA ask this question, Lady, if your husband is letting you do this, are you letting your husband have sex with other women, or is it ONLY you that he can have sex with? Another thing I thought of, and PLEASE don't think I'm being judgemental, but when your children start having sex and you or your husband catch them, are you gonna tell them no they can't? Why I ask is because if they were to EVER find out about all this, you know your children will think both of you as hypocrites, IMO

[Sup]

Ok, I found out where your husband has said he doesn't WANT any other woman, but, if all of a sudden this open marriage thing becomes NOT ok with you, and you decide to stop, are you gonna forbid your husband from being with someone else, just because you stopped, or don't want this anymore, in case the woman he would like to be with suddenly comes along. I'm having a hard time with the fact that your husband don't mind you banging some other man, and he doesn't want some other woman, to me it looks like something's wrong there, he's gotta be hurting in some way. Just my take. Are all the children your husbands, or OM's?

[WildKittySub]

WOW, didn't really expect attacks, especially considering the section I posted in.

 

I'll try to answer what I can.

 

what are you going to do about it..? If you can't walk away from this and find a different partner it seems that it's become more than the 'arrangement' your husband agreed to: purely play? Or is it that you're really doubting your own rules and initial reaction to him..? Where did you initially meet him... online or at a local munch..?

I thought I had explained this. I have to work with this man because of what I do and what he does. Its not like an office situation, but there are times that my life depends on his job and he depends on me to do certain things.

I wasn't LOOKING for anybody, we ended up working together for several days on something and the timing, because of what was going on with my ex, just lead to this.

Your previous comments are very true and hit home. He did break the rules and that is just wrong.

 

but when your children start having sex and you or your husband catch them, are you gonna tell them no they can't?

One of my children is grown and living on his own. I'm certain he's having sex, and I have no say in his sex life. Its not my business. He does ask me questions and we do communicate openly. We have always been able to discuss sex openly.

While I do not intend to influence my kids with what I do, we are very open here, they know they can talk to me about anything at all!!!! Their friends even comment that they could never talk to their parents like my kids do to me.

You are making an awful lot of assumptions aren't you?

 

but, if all of a sudden this open marriage thing becomes NOT ok with you, and you decide to stop, are you gonna forbid your husband from being with someone else, just because you stopped

Again, you are great with assumptions, and apparently pretty good with judgement as well.

As I stated, this was AGREED upon prior to marriage. NO, I would not change these rules because I decide to stop or whatever. This has been a 15 year, very successful marriage, it is so because we are honest.

 

he's gotta be hurting in some way.

That is your assumption, and clearly wrong. I live this, not you. Just because it isn't what you were taught in this society, doesn't make it wrong! If you don't like it, you really do not have to read the thread.

 

Are all the children your husbands, or OM's?

Not that it matters in any way, but my younger child is his, the older one is from a 30 year old man who convinced me to get pregnant when I was 15 and then left and has never been heard from again.

That has ABSOLUTELY not a single thing to do with this relationship, or why I started this thread, but is clearly something you are trying to use as another way to find what I am doing wrong.

[Ladyjane14]

Honesty is great right? But NOT something kids deserve?

 

Sorry, but I'm not buying it. If your choices are so poor they have to be HIDDEN from you children, what does that tell you about the quality of "honesty" in your life? What does it tell you about the marriage model you've put before the children?

 

You're right that no one person can be EVERYTHING to the other. That's why we're supposed to be well-rounded individuals all on our own, rather than so emotionally needy that we have to be catered to at the expense of authenticity.

[WildKittySub]

I did not post this for a bunch of people who do not understand us to make judgements and moral comments about myself, my husband or my children. I thought I was asking for help, none of this is helpful, it is simply a bunch of people making themselves feel better about themselves by passing judgement on me/us.

 

If your choices are so poor they have to be HIDDEN from you children, what does that tell you about the quality of "honesty" in your life? What does it tell you about the marriage model you've put before the children?

He never said this was a poor choice, he said we do not want to impose our beliefs/lifestyle (for lack of a better word) on our children, but let them make their own decisions. They know we have a VERY strong marriage.

Would you think it was ok if parents told their children what positions they have sex in? NO, nobody would! Involving children in your sex life is wrong. So we make a choice NOT TO!

Just like I do not believe it is right for parents to argue over money, or whatever in front of the kids and bring the kids into that part of marriage. Some things ARE private and should not involve the kids.

What DOES involve the kids is OUR family life! That is strong. Just because you don't understand it, or were taught that it was not right, doesn't make it so.

 

Would I want my children to grow up and have an open marriage? If that's what they want, and they and their spouse can handle it, sure. Just like if they choose to have kids, I would be happy, if they choose not to I will be happy. What they do when they are in that position is their choice.

 

Honestly, if this thread stays in this section, I would ask that it be closed. Here it is nothing more than a target for moralistic people who need to feel better about themselves by imposing judgement on others.

I asked for opinions on THIS situation, NOT on our lifestyle. Nowhere have I asked what anybody here thinks of whether or not I should see other people (and face it people, you are trying to paint this as me going out and sleeping around. In 15 years it has been exactly TWO people, and one has been very short lived), nor did I ask anybody's opinion on whether or not we are good parents. There are sections for those, and that's why I didn't post there, or in this section.

 

I don't care what you think of me, my husband, or my children. Anybody who knows us, knows we are a very strong family and that our children are growing up (one has grown up), to be wonderful human beings!

 

So, if OW or OM would like to express their opinion on whether I did somethng to cause this person to feel bad, or whether he's just incapable of following the rules (and anybody who gets involved with a married person, who is honest, should understand there are rules), I welcome your comments.

 

The rest of you morally righteous people, find somebody who wants/needs your opinion, I do not.

[WildKittySub]

Why I ask is because if they were to EVER find out about all this, you know your children will think both of you as hypocrites, IMO

 

BTW, IF my children were to find out, we would discuss it openly and honestly. As I've stated previously (and so many of you obviously selectively read), there are other marriages in my family that are very open and everybody knows. So, this is not something that is foreign to my children. They know that we do not disapprove of these marriages, they know the other parties involved and have been to family events with them. They also know that I just don't believe children should be THAT involved in their parent's sex life.

 

So again, while I know you are having a wonderful time imposing YOUR morals on us, you are once again very wrong. We have never told the children we do not have an open marriage, we just haven't told them that we do.

 

They do know that I visit my ex, both know him and love him. He has even helped my daughter with her homework.

 

So, we aren't lying to the kids, we just are choosing not to involve them in what is supposed to be the private part of any relationship!

[whichwayisup]

That's fine if they're young, but once they get older or someone finds out outside of your family, it will be difficult for them to deal with! I mean, you know how people talk...It just takes ONE person at school to know and BOOM, a disaster for your kids.

 

It's your life, I am not judging - My concern is just how your children will feel when they find out! And, they will someday cuz teens snoop and listen in on phone calls when you least expect it!