Very LONG. But I need this advice.

[Spidey12]

Anyone actually taking the time to read this is seriously going to recieve some sort of a gift or something of the sort from me. This is long, but I hope you'll bare with me. This story has been printed elsewhere, but this is the summary and update, alot has changed since i last posted here, still about the same girl.

 

Summary:

I am 20, so is she. We're both in the same University.

 

 

I met this girl back in August who had a boyfriend of 7 years. Her boyfriend lives in another state. She and I became very close and she eventually cheated on her boyfriend with me. For several weeks, things were perfect, barring her boyfriend, and we eventually came to love one another. Then she told him about me, they broke up, and she began to feel really guilty. Slowly, things between us weren't as firey and passionate as they were before. We stopped having sex, and it stopped being that "honeymoon" phase. Before Thanksgiving she told me she wanted to see how she felt when she saw him, since he was flying in to stay with her. They were not intimate but she says as soon as she saw him, she wanted things to return to the way they were with him. He said no to her and she was okay with that. After he left, she and I saw each other, and she kissed me alot and hugged me and told me she just felt guilty.

 

Then Christmas break came along, and she went back to her hometown (the place where her now ex-boyfriend lives). She stayed there for about 2 months, and says she had no intimate contact with him but that she spoke with him daily and say him regularly. She spoke with me daily as well, but not as often as before.

 

Two weeks before she got back, she admitted to me that she felt like things weren't going anywhere with me, that she felt tethered to her hometown and her way of life, and what her boyfriend meant to her. she says he is responsible for alot of things in her life and that he is a huge influence on her. I got really angry and initiated NO CONTACT, as per the advice given on this message board.

 

After two weeks of this heart wrenching ordeal, I finally felt like I could do without her. then my phone slipped up, and sent her a text message. She responded immediately. we started talking again, and she admitted to me that during my no contact with her she was trying to cut her emotional ties to me, but could not do it.

 

Then she gets back here. We see each other the 2nd night she's here. We wound up kissing, and she wound up telling me that she doesn't know anything and that she fears letting me go for regret of what "could-be" she asked me if we could be friends for now and see what happens later. For a while we did this, we remained just friends. But I was seeing her once every 4 days, and this was just so hurtful to me, when all of this started..I was seeing her EVERY SINGLE DAY, RAIN OR SNOW, WHETHER OR NOT WE HAD OTHER PLANS. She always made time for me, like I was the one thing she wanted all day.

 

Not now, now she makes lame excuses not to see me, cancels frequently, or leaves early. I tried kissing her a few times, but she just pecks me quickly and nothing else. We talk through text messaging throughout the day-every day. And we talk for 3 hours every night (by her charge that is, she initiates this type of contact). We talk about everything usually. And sometimes she'll tell me how much she misses me, other times she tells me how much she still loves her ex-boyfriend, whom she keeps in very close contact with (they speak daily too.

 

About a week and a half ago, things erupted between us and we said very nasty mean things to each other. I asked her why things were different now and she said the "no contact" thing really hurt her, and it really takes time for her to heal those kinds of scars. I asked her if she and i would ever be in a relationship and she said she just doesn't know. The next day we saw each other and we sat down and talked about this, she told me there was no way she could ever just stop talking to me, and that purposefully cutting her feelings away for me was stupid. She kissed me (not like before, it was very short and almost forced). after that things were great and we were seeing each other almost daily, she was starting to display more passion towards me in our phone calls. She even hinted at the possibility sex and the romantic stuff we did before (very subtle though, and in an unsure kind of way).

 

Today:

Its been 4 days since I've seen her, she cancelled on a movie night we were supposed to have last night. she has a myspace, and her main picture is of her with her ex boyfriend. (no, they aren't back together or anything), and he's visiting her in two weeks. We were talking on the phone about all this, her telling me her plans. somehow we got on the subject of life..and she said "I just feel stuck, [insert my name]" "I feel really stuck emotionally, and I don't know what to do about anything and its really stressing me out"..

 

Later on in the day (about 4 hours ago)..

 

She's on her period, which I think has a major thing to do with what happened. we were supposed to take a class together and she backed out on it. today was the last day to add it and she recently told me she was going to add it, because she wanted to take a class with me.

 

well...she changed her mind AGAIN. Didn't add the class, i got really pissed off on the phone with and just said "i'm gonna go to class now..bye"

 

she said "**** YOU" and hung up.

 

 

 

 

 

Haven't heard from her since. I know 4 hours is nothing, but this girl can't go 10 minutes without sending me a text message, so she must be pissed at me, even though I really didnt do anything wrong here.

 

I'm at a loss as to what to do here. I know many of you are tempted to say..NO CONTACT but thats too drastic for this situation..ive tried it before with her about 2 or 3 times...it just doesn't work. It doesn't phase her in the positive way at all. Some of you might even want to say , "hey sit down with her and talk about all this' but not even that would work..we talk about "it" so much frankly i think she'll hang up if I bring it up again. And I know what she wants to say..."Things aren't the same way as before and you need to just deal, im very lost emotionally, i still love my ex and he loves me, and my feelings for you are strong but i just cant be in a relationship with you right now"

 

Any thoughts on what could be going on with this girl? How best to approach this, and how best to let her decide who or what she wants. Her is..well...hes just a person shes known and loved for 6 years...i feel like I can't compete and I tell her that often, but she says that I'm amazing in my own rights and that shes so glad she met me...yadda yadda...

 

just very lost and hurt. Letting her go is like burying something alive-just can't do it. So i need alternatives.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not so much hurt as I am confused.

[V._Confuzzled]

Well im in roughly the same position as this girl. Ive just split from my long term girlfriend and sort of hooked up with a girl from work. Now my girlfriends contacted me again and im so confused, feel like ive been hit for 6 .

 

It seems like she doesnt know what she wants, in some respects like me. Give her an ultimatum, you or the ex. She cant have both, life just doesnt work like that. Its either not both.

[Spidey12]

Well im in roughly the same position as this girl. Ive just split from my long term girlfriend and sort of hooked up with a girl from work. Now my girlfriends contacted me again and im so confused, feel like ive been hit for 6 .

 

It seems like she doesnt know what she wants, in some respects like me. Give her an ultimatum, you or the ex. She cant have both, life just doesnt work like that. Its either not both.

Giving her an ultimatum is like asking her to end things with me. She'll choose him..I mean come on he has 7 years on me...

[V._Confuzzled]

Well are you really that happy? Do you want to be second best in a relationship...surely you would want to be with someone who truly treasures you. Who values your worth and not that of an ex; fair enough, you cant turn off feelings from a 7 year relationship, but she cant hold on to them forever if she wants to move on with life.

[Spidey12]

Well are you really that happy? Do you want to be second best in a relationship...surely you would want to be with someone who truly treasures you. Who values your worth and not that of an ex; fair enough, you cant turn off feelings from a 7 year relationship, but she cant hold on to them forever if she wants to move on with life.

 

yeah, but how do i get her to see that without it sounding like an attack on her or her ex.

 

No im not really happy. I guess i just hold on to what was, because every now and then...she gives me the "i love you like no other" vibe like she used to give me 100% of the time when this all began.

[V._Confuzzled]

I really dont know how'd you tell her.

 

Maybe say that you really like her but feel undervalued. Tell her you want to spend more time together and ask for her to put the effort and emotion into you, not her ex. If she cant do that for you, your flogging a dead horse and the relationship wont go anywhere.

 

You said you dont know if your happy, maybe try and spend time becoming friends with other girls. This'll take your mind off things and she may realise just how importat you are and how well you treated her.

[upsetnhurt]

Spidey,

 

Who are you kidding? She never has given you the "I love you like no other vibe" and realistically she has shown you all the red flags anyone would ever need to simply walk away. I know its hard for you as you feel for her yet take a step back and look at how she is acting. She still talks to this guy, he still visits her and stays with her, and of course you don't believe they are intimate. Why wouldnt they be as they have been together for 7 years. She still says that she loves him at times.....what more do you need to hear. You are a REBOUND! You are only good for her when you place no expectations on her........and when you do she runs away and says she can't handle it. There is no way to solve this dilemma. It is the worst timing for you. She is the only one who can decide for herself that he was not the right one......and after doing that she needs a ton of time (years maybe) to learn to live on her own two feet again. You are only asking for trouble by trying to be with her. Step back and move on. Be her friend if you want yet it does not seem like you can accept that.

[Krytellan]

About a week and a half ago, things erupted between us and we said very nasty mean things to each other. I asked her why things were different now and she said the "no contact" thing really hurt her, and it really takes time for her to heal those kinds of scars.

 

To be completely honest, I stopped reading at this statement, as I think it says everything there is to know about this girl. All that I say is with the assumption that this is to mean she was upset at you for initiating no contact with her. I'm sure if you're like most you will argue and defend her with every ounce of your being... whatever.

 

This girl is a manipulator. I would have entertained the thought before based on her age and actions, but this comment is an obvious sign. You should be (and were) hurt by what she did to you when she went home. First of all, phones dont just send random texts... shame on you for insulting our collective intelligence. She basically told you that you weren't good enough.

 

So she comes back to school, unsure of what she wants, and is able to cooerce you into "hanging in there" though you didn't know it. She gave you what you needed at first and then began to pull away as much as possible while still being able to keep you around. You not being able to handle the situation and being emotionally affected is good for her... that means she still "has" you.

 

But wait... what's this? Dissention? Is he telling me that he wants no part of this and wants to move on? I'll be damned... hmm what can I do about this? Ahhh... yes. I will give him a morsel of hope by making him think that the only reason this is happening is because he refused to speak to me for two weeks. Then he will beat himself up over it and convince himself that he can make up for that if he continues to hang around and abide by my every whim. Aha... brilliant!

 

 

Wake up please. She will give you only what she absolutely needs to to keep you in the loop. An "I love you like no other" every three weeks or so should do it, right? Man, if you really had any idea how much she has disrespected you in this process it would make your head spin.

 

Oh, and a news flash... sorry to be the one to have to do this. She has slept with her ex no less than 15 times since Thanksgiving. Three times when he came to see her, and another 12 at least when she was home for 2 months. It was great and she loved it. Two weeks before coming back to school however, she realized it was time to start greasing the wheel with you so she could tighten your leash when she got back, so she used the old and faithful "I'm just not sure" routine... a tested classic.

 

So now, she blows you off on a daily basis. Why? Because though she wasn't sure what would happen, she is still into her ex. IF that were to change, you would most surely know. She would go back to treating you the way she used to. That is until she met some random stud in class or at work and suddenly felt "unsure about things" again. At that point, however, she know what to do. She can talk you into sticking around while she pursues a "friendship" (yeah right) with this guy to see if maybe he is what she has been missing.

 

If you aren't so pissed off at her right now that you can't see straight, then I don't know what I could say to help you. I'm not even going to attempt to tell you what you should do about it as most people don't listen or care anyway. Just do whatever makes you feel the best about the situation you are given. I think, however, one possibility presents itself very clearly.

[Island Girl]

And I know what she wants to say..."Things aren't the same way as before and you need to just deal, im very lost emotionally, i still love my ex and he loves me, and my feelings for you are strong but i just cant be in a relationship with you right now"

 

Any thoughts on what could be going on with this girl? How best to approach this, and how best to let her decide who or what she wants.

 

You already know what she is going to say - so you have an answer for that.

 

As far as letting her decide who or what she wants, the only thing you CAN do is leave her alone.

 

Being around her constantly will do nothing but keep it where it is.

 

Your choice but if you want her to figure it out you've got to step away and let her do it.

[shockandawed]

Spidey,

 

Let me say first of all I really feel what you are going through. Looking for something and hoping that patience and you will win.

 

OK, I am going to say this with absolutely no intention of hurting you. But, if her boyfriend posted the same story, just from his side, you would be labeled as a slimeball. At best, just someone she is rebounding with, destined to fail.

 

You answered your own question with your last post. By making her choose, she will pick him, he has 7 years on you. I don't know how she would pick, but here is what you have to decide. Are you happy as things are now? Can you live with the fact the girl you have feelings for also has them for her ex boyfriend? And you are confessing to being second choice. Do you think by hanging around, you will move up to first choice. She sounds very confused between both of you. I know how damn hard it is, but you have to step out if you want any peace about this. I am not buying her travels to see her and there is nothing going on. There definitely is emotionally if nothing else.

[Kamille]

I think you're receiving some very good advice and I perticularly like Krytellan's post. My initial reaction when reading your first post was : why is he letting her get away with this?

 

But the bottom line is you don't want to do NC and you sound like you're afraid of loosing her. So i'm guessing that you can't even imagine you breaking up with her.

 

So something needs to change. You're even at a space where you don't feel confortable talking about 'it' with her anymore.

 

I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what could change... And somehow the only word that comes to mind is 'fusional' ... it sounds like you two are in somewhat of a fusional relationship, probably the very same kind of relationship she had with her boyfriend. (So she was 13 when she met him?!! Wow! This must indeed be a confusing time for her and I'm sorry that the confusion is falling on you).

 

I'm thinking that without going NC, you probably need to focus on getting and feeling some independance from her. As things are now, you're both stuck. She is definitely not going to make you feel better so you need to take the time to take care of yourself and find ways for you to keep your sanity as she goes bungee jumping with her own emotions.

 

How about you decide that her drama is not your drama and you will just focus on being strong and balanced? If you are not feeling strong and balanced, then you will call up some buddies, turn off your cell phone and go play hockey or something.

 

If she is manipulating you - she will resent you for it. If she at all cares for your well-being, she will understand.

 

But I get the impression she is stuck because playing confused is reaping a lot of ego-rewards for her. She has two men in her life, both going crazy because of her. Love shouldn't be so self-centred. Does she give a **** about your feelings?

[Guest]

Understandably you are hurt and confused, yet at the same time so is she. Speaking as someone who has recently been in your shoes and hers at the same time, (don't ask) ..its time to let go. The girl that you have so many strong feelings for is not well, she sounds like she has BPD (Borderline personality disorder) where one minute she wants you real close and the next minute she does not want to be near you. Its the come here go away thing.

 

She may care for you and yes you care for her yet it is obvious that both of you need to seperate to heal on your own. THere is something in her that you see and its missing from you. The fear of letting her go, is stronger than how you feel for her. You will be able to love again and you will be able to feel joy again with another individual. This relationship is just not going to go anywhere except cause the both of you pain.

 

Although the no contact thing is hard and may seem somewhat unrealistic it is nessecarry to do for the both of you trust me. And try to get some counselling about this relationship as their is a number of issues related to this girl that you identify with. Most if them tied to self esteem and self image/ worth.

 

This journey that you are facing will be hard, yet at the same time a gift. When you come to the other side you will understand what was missing and what you need in life.