Guest Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I am seventeen and am dating a guy who is eighteen. We have been together for four years. We have shared so many great experiences, shared so many bad experiences, but we are each other's best friends and are so close. I love him more than anything in the world and want the very best for him. The problem is I am growing up, and after experiencing my parents' painful divorce, I am starting to realize all the things I think I need in a relationship. My mom constantly talks about how it is important that I marry someone with "character" who is as ambitious and intelligent and hardworking as I am. Ever since she started talking about those things I started to notice things my boyfriend doesn't have and how different we are. I've been a 4.0 student all of high school, and he has not been a very good student. I am definitely college bound; he is unsure. I would score relatively high on an IQ test; he might score average or lower. He has done some things that I don't understand, like pierce his lip or smoke cigarettes or move from job to job. I come from a more wealthy background, and he has less financial freedom. I have had trouble dealing with this turmoil in my mind, so for the past year or so I have nagged, nagged, nagged, about very important things. I keep telling him to get a job as soon as he can and take it seriously so he can earn money for college, and he agrees he will but I see no progress. I am constantly stressing to him the importance of school and I am not sure how much importance he finds in it. I tell him how crucial it is for him to save money because he'll be out on his own soon. And I find myself getting irritated inside when he says things that sound "stupid." I find myself being fidgety and nervous when he is around my parents for fear of him looking like a foolish kid. Whenever he talks of tattoos I feel squeamish and get angry. We have different natures at this point. I am more practical, and I like to plan things and succeed; he lives his life just doing things that make him happy, regardless of the consequences. He is not the type to stick with something unless he is completely content with it. It is getting to the point where I realize how tough it must be on him for me to nag all the time and criticize him. I know that it hurts him. He is astonishingly flexible and listens to me even when I am critical. I know he is deeply in love with me, totally loyal, and seriously and truly would love to be with me as long as possible. He is always trying to make me happy. I feel constantly stressed and hurt and bad about myself, knowing that my critical nature is hurting him emotionally. But I know that if I don't say anything and he doesn't do those things and start taking life seriously like I do, I can't be at all happy with him. In fact, I can't be with him at all. I love him as the kind, loving person that he is, but some of the important life stuff (ambition, intelligence, drive, motivation, work ethic) doesn't seem to be there. Part of me knows he is young and will figure it out eventually and maybe just isn't as mature as I am yet, but part of me wonders if this is all just who he is. I feel like if I don't nag I will be unhappy because he won't do the things I would need him to do...but if I do nag he will be unhappy.
Karma24 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Oh honey, You are still a baby. I got married at 19 and my circumstances were much the same as yours. We divorced two years ago though we are friends and I still care very much about him. We were WAY too young and WAY too different. I WISH I could get my 20's back as a single woman. Oh well, I shall spread my wisdom instead.
HennyPenny Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 You're realizing that this isn't going to work. It's hard because you care about him and love him very much. It seems like I'm stating the obvious, especially since you seem to have your head on straight, but the sooner you face it, the better. I've known quite a few intelligent people who remained in unhealthy relationships because they didn't want to hurt anyone and feared for their partner's emotional well-being. This really wouldn't be fair to either of you. I'm not saying you should flat-out dump him, I'm saying to at least keep a balanced perspective on things. In order for there to be a satisfying relationship there need to be big changes. Do you see this happening? If changes can't be made, resentment will build. I wish you the best. I've been in a similar situation and wish I'd handled it differently. Someone once told me that it's much much easier for some who's down to pull you down with them, than it is for you to pull them up. It sounds harsh, but it's so true.
silentcharon Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Take it from someone who has experience, or at least, so far. I was with my ex for 7 years, from the ages of 15 and 16, till we were 22. Our relationship ended because we were at a crossroads of our lives- we both were facing the prospects of life itself. We both wanted different things- I wanted to go back to school, because it would secure a better future for myself while he didn't. There were other things, but keeping your post in mind, it was a factor in our break up. I was concerned how things would work out if I went back to college, and then went into the work force, I wanted him to be able to keep up with me, to be on the same page as I was, while he wasn't. He didn't know what he wanted to do, so he didn't want to. I understood but I was on a time line. If you're concerned about him 'dragging' you down, well... then, break up with him if he isn't willing to change. You need to tell him that. You are concerned how you might end up with a dead beat, how it might drag you down. I know it probably doesn't sound like what you would say, but that's exactly what you're saying here. You want to be with someone who is secure finacially with a head down on his shoulders, and your bf is not that. That's the bottom line. You need to tell him WHY you've been nagging him so much. Maybe he'll change. If he doesn't, well, you've got your answer what he really wants to do with his life. And really, you are young. It's hard to imagine, but I've been there. Your post really touched me. There are so many possibilities, it's really hard to imagine what's out there when you've been in a such long relationship at a young age. You have to know what you want and go after it!
Star Gazer Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I'm not sure what to tell you other than to congratulate you for being an incredibly mature, self-aware 17 year old. If only we all could have been in your shoes at your age... The world is your oyster. Don't let him poison it.
riobikini Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Guest, if you were my daughter, I would be very proud of you. You're coming out of that "coccoon" that *some* people much, much older than you never leave. And you're doing it with courage -and the support and wise advice of your mother, who has, I gather, had some experiences she would rather not see *you* go through. You both are very lucky to have each other. As for your boyfriend -it's going to hurt in all kinds of ways to leave him behind, as you grow into young adulthood. It's true that, generally speaking, young males tend to linger on the "fence" awhile longer in leaving behind childhood behavior and many of the more "not-quite-grow-up" dreams, and routine patterns they've developed. And in regards to *knowing* if your boyfriend (or anyone) will ever suddenly grow up -well, there may be a handful of semi-strong indicators for that- but for the most part, it's a crap shoot, nowadays, that depends on (it seems) more than ever, the kind of environment and life experiences he's been exposed to, thus far in his life. And still there's this great "unknown" factor: his own inherent drive to consider, which can turn things around for him -God knows when. But *you* (Smile) -have already made your choice -and I think it's a wise one. You seem to be a "thinking" person. Keep it that way -always think for yourself- consider the good advice and example of others (your mother, for instance) and weigh your options, and your dreams with your passions, and your goals. I have little doubt, given the rationale and reasoning of your post, the sincerity of your concern, and all the wisdom you've soaked up and are surrounded with, that you will continue to evolve into a person who makes *contributions* through her intelligence, her work, and her capacity for caring. Certainly, a butterfly worth knowing. (Smile) -Rio
TheDC Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Change is a constant of the universe. And between the ages of thirteen to seventeen that change is considerable. I'm sure that he has changed a lot in that time as well. As one grows older the rate of change decreases as we get set in our ways and learn who we are and become comfortable in our own skins. You shouldn't feel guilty about growing apart and wanting different things. You have spent a significant portion of your life with this boy and so the feelings are strong but it's probably best to go your separate ways before the difference becomes insurmountable and you begin to resent one another.
brokenhart2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 When I was exactly your age, (I'm 30 now)...I had a boyfriend just like that...I was a good student, etc, but he job-hopped and dropped out of school. I had to nag him to death (just like you were saying) just to get his GED. But we loved each other very, very much. When I went away to college (2 hrs. from home) it was very hard, but it didn't take long before I realized that I had such a new and exciting life now; I became so involved in it that I sord of just fell out of love with him...which I never would have believed would happen..I wanted to marry him. From what I know he had a pretty hard time with our break up...he even tried to date me again just a few years ago even though he has found someone and gotten married!...no matter what we always care about our 1st love. But I am very glad now that I didn't stay with him, and chose to explore myself and life instead, and like your mother told you, by the time you are my age you will also realize that you deserve the best from a man...the best meaning what ever makes you comfortable and happy. It might be best to let him know, you are at that point in your life where it could all change drastically (like it did for me). Starting college means getting ideas on how you want to spend the rest of your life. This is a time to focus on you more than anything. My boyfriend became jealous of that quickly and accused me of "changing". But it was a good change. If your boyfriend doesn't start making efforts for his future as well, he will be standing still while you move forward. That leaves no choice but to break up. Good luck.
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