Guest Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 so. my bf (23) and i (24) have been dating for about 3 years, and he knows about all of the following. i went to a party last week, got ridiculously drunk, and my friend kissed me. i've always thought the "i was drunk" excuse was... well, inexcusable -- i'd never (drunkenly) kissed outside my relationships -- but at this point, i cannot remember how or why it started. in any case, i participated, so i'm owning up to that, even though i still feel shocked. what makes it worse is that i voluntarily kissed a guy fairly early in our relationship, yadda, yadda, i've got issues, whatever. i'm trying to figure out why this has happened in this one relationship (and never in my previous relationships), and how i can be trustworthy, since "not kissing another guy" has recently been shattered. oh, and while it may be just shifting responsibility, i've vowed to not drink to excess unless someone <who knows me well> is watching out for me; basically, the idea is that i'm just not going to get drunk. thanks in advance for any wisdom, i need all i can run across.
Karma24 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 A guess as to the reason why... You are WAY too young! Trust me, I got married at 19. I'm divorced now and I wish to God I had my early 20's back to travel and date every hot, available guy that was out there. Q: Why didn't you do this in your previous relationships? A: Because (I assume from your age) this is the longest relationship you've ever had. Things might be getting stale after three years. At 24, you're likely not ready to be settled and put the commitment into the relationship that it needs to deal with the "staleness." Where is this relationship going? Do you plan to marry this guy? If you are, consider that you are really young and have a lot yet to experience. Are you really planning to spend the rest of your life with a guy you got involved with at age 21? If you are not planning to marry him, break up with him and date other people!
Guest Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 thank you very much for replying. whoops, hit the wrong key. we've been dating about 2 years. we are pretty young, but i'll give you a bit more background. if i gave it all, this would be extremely long, instead of just very long. i (17-20) dated my first boyfriend for about 3 years, my second for about a year, a couple rebounds (source of strife, hello!), and now my third. he and his first/previous girlfriend dated for about 3 years, with a lot of casual dating before that, so we've both experienced rather involved long-term relationships; and we both feel this... intensity towards each other that is utterly unlike those. he makes me appreciate myself and the person i want to be, and i'm learning how to return that gift, though i straight-out **** up sometimes, pardon m'language. so, yes, we want to be together. it's just a fragile process, at times. i sometimes feel it would be better if we were to take a break from each other because of all our issues (it was an "interesting" year between my second bf and him, plus this), but i don't believe that it would solve anything, merely set it aside for awhile... i think it would help me, in his situation, but he feels he is not someone who can let go of things on his own, and so it would just stew inside him. i have this gut feeling that if i can help him with this, we can make a great life together, but (i'm scared) i don't know how to live up to that potential. maybe it is that i'm just too young, irresponsible or scatterbrained to work my share of a relationship, but i think this is the one to really try on -- probably why i'm mucking it up so much... sigh. silliness. but, any advice on how to be trustworthy? i've read some of the other posts on here, advising that we be supportive of paranoia, random phone calls, questions about schedules and who we're with -- basically being as transparent as possible, but those all seem to be for long-term cheating. mine have been for 30-second stretches, tops, the recent one at a party with my friends... how can i reassure him when that is normally an incredibly reassuring scenario, but probably not so much now? i need time to prove myself worthy again, but i need a way to reassure him now, so he doesn't feel he's just wasting more of his time, hoping that i'll find a way to make things better... i really did try to keep this short, but i appreciate the help.
Karma24 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I think that the same rules for re-establishing trust are the same, whether it's a long term affair or kissing someone at the bar or whatever. The things that you listed; be supportive of paranoia, random phone calls, questions about schedules, etc. are what you should be doing. Since it sounds to me like you want to make it work with this guy, that's all the advice I can give you for now. Cheers!
Crazy Eddie Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Um, 24 is not "way too young"... it's close to the median age of marriage in this country. And it's plenty old enough for people to know that kissing one guy while dating another is likely to royally piss off one's boyfriend and ruin one's chances of a happy married life with him. So what to do? Well, if drinking to excess leads you to do dumb things, then stop drinking. Apply the "kids test" to your boyfriend. Basically, do you want your kids to be like your boyfriend? Do you want to have kids with him and raise them together with him? If not, you're wasting your time dating this guy and you should play the field until you find the guy that you do want to make babies with and raise them with. If so, stop drinking to excess and don't kiss other guys (unless you're boyfriend's cool with that, of course...)
LakesideDream Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Hmmm... put the shoe on the other foot and tell me how it feels. Your B/F tells you he got drunk at a party and enjoyed a spit swapping session with a pretty lady... but it was no big deal, "Yada Yada Watever" because he has issues. Would you be his G/F the next day? Time for you to re-evaluate your personal definition of "relationship". Maybe you aren't ready for a true committment to one person yet.
Recommended Posts