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This is ridiculous, but I'm curious...


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Posted

My girlfriend and I called it quits over a month ago. We were together for five years. We lived in separate cities, but were only an hour apart. She wanted to get married and also wanted me to move to her city, which is in Canada (we both went to school in Canada, and I like it there very much). She told me that she didn't think I would ever get serious about moving to Canada, and that she didn't want to live in the US or be an American. Being a liberal Democrat, I understood her position completely. There are times when I don’t feel like being an American, either. Unfortunately, she decided that I wasn't moving quickly enough and called it off.

 

Three weeks ago, she announced she was moving to California. Los Angeles, to be precise. This is, in my opinion, the absolute WORST place on earth for a person who hates the US and doesn't want to be American to move to. In spite of this, because we were broken up, I had nothing to say about it.

 

For the past eighteen months, I've become very close with a good female friend of mine here at home. We have everything in common, she's everything the old girlfriend wasn't, she’s attractive and attentive, and she's in love with me. We've started seeing each other and our prior friendship is something that has really contributed positively to our romance. It should be noted that we'd talked about being together even while I was with the old girlfriend. I'm not proud of this, but it's the truth

 

Here's the problem: My old girlfriend was also beautiful. She was hot. She had an amazing figure. She had perfect everything. I'm finding it difficult to focus on the 99% of stuff about the new girl that is good for me, and instead can only focus on my old girlfriend's ass. What the hell is wrong with me? Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get over this totally shallow, yet totally real problem?

Posted

Yes. Don't make a big mistake and be a jackass. Grow up, bro. You said the new girl is pretty and has all the qualities that your ex doesn't have!!! Did you read what you wrote? Do you have rocks in your head?

 

All you do is think about your ex's nice ass? I would take an attractive woman that has great qualities and loves me anyday over just a hot, hot woman. What happens if you marry your ex and she turns 40? I bet that nice ass isn't as nice. I bet you fight all the time and you're not very happy.

 

And your new girl? If you marry her, she's still attractive at 40, has treated you well, you've had a lot of good times, she's still your best friend, she's made a nice home for you and loves you to death. And you still think about your ex and her ass?!?!?

 

Oh, one last piece of advice: don't mistake the new girl's niceness as weakness or that she's not a challenge. Who needs the challenge or the drama in a long-term relationship? Relax. Go forward with the new girl. Enjoy her and the relationship and forget about your ex.

Posted

Well done, Davis!!!!

You opened my eyes as well, thank you!!!!!

Posted

Lol. I've got to say, it's refreshing to hear the honesty "just thinking about my ex-girlfriends ass"

 

Be good and put your energy into something that could really turn into happiness for you :bunny:

Posted
I'm finding it difficult to focus on the 99% of stuff about the new girl that is good for me, and instead can only focus on my old girlfriend's ass.

 

Like JNRR said... at least you're being honest! But come on. You can't possibly be serious. When you fall for someone, you fall for who that person is... period. Maybe you never really loved your ex... and just lusted over her. There is a difference.

Posted

Oh, one last piece of advice: don't mistake the new girl's niceness as weakness or that she's not a challenge.

 

Alright! It is so kicka** that you say this. Two weeks into my current relationship, my gf and I were having a discussion, and me being a nice guy came up somehow, I had probably just done something nice for her. I took that moment and looked at her seriously and said, "Yes, I am. But don't ever confuse my niceness for weakness or being naive."

 

She looked at me a moment, like she was caught off-guard. It was hilarious. After a minute, she said in all seriousness "I won't"

 

In hindsight, that was a great way for a nice guy to make his point about not being a doormat. I think I pulled it off :laugh:

Posted

Man! I love this thread! Davis tells it like it is and Krytellan pulls off being the confident nice guy.

 

Cheers me up to know there's men like you two out there.

 

As for the ass thing : what Davis said.

Posted

Krytellan: haha. that's funny. good for you. that was perfect. letting her know you're nice (by choice) and that you're cockey about it and will quit being nice if you want. That's a fine line that i haven't figured out, the one between being a jerk and a doormat. And remember, women ALWAYS continue you to test us to see if we're still that dominant "worthy" male!

 

I was trying to explain to CBS that his ex "hottie" probably was a challenge and a headache. In some ways he probably liked the challenge of keeping the hottie. He should try to get over the whole "challenge" and game stuff ... he should just enjoy the new gf and enjoy freedom from the bs!

 

I don't think nice people are necessarily weak. I think a mean person has trouble being nice because they have insecurities and have trouble feeling out of control. In some ways it's easier to be mean than nice. I do think you have to show that if you're nice, you're not going to be weak or a doormat.

  • Author
Posted

Excellent advice, Davis. While my post was at least partially tongue-in-cheek, the underlying theme was serious, and you told me exactly what I needed to hear (and probably knew already but didn't want to admit). It's true that it takes longer than four weeks to truly "get over" a person, but I'm doing my best.

 

You're right about the bull****, though. The relationship was definitely more of a headache than a pleasure for the final 8-12 months. Sometimes I find myself wondering if the only reason I stayed in it so long was BECAUSE of what a looker she was. I'm terribly ashamed to say that, but it gets easier with every admission...

Posted
My girlfriend and I called it quits over a month ago.

 

She told me...that she didn't want to live in the US or be an American.

 

she...called it off.

 

Three weeks ago, she announced she was moving to California.

 

because we were broken up, I had nothing to say about it.

 

Well, I'm sure your EX-girlfriend's ass is all that, however SHE broke up with YOU. About a month ago, she told you she'd never move to the US.

 

Since she decided to move to Los Angeles only a week or two after she broke up with you, I guess what she really meant was, she'd never move to the US to be with YOU.

 

So, what makes you think she would even consider taking you back? As far as I can see, you can fantasize about her ass all you want, but you have no chance of ever seeing it, or your EX, again.

 

We've started seeing each other...we'd talked about being together even while I was with the old girlfriend.

 

Are you one of those guys who always wants what he can't have? You wanted your friend girl when you were with your ex, and now that you have your friend girl, you want your EX. Perhaps, girls come to easily to you and you can't truly appreciate what you have.

 

Give this some thought before you hurt this girl who is in love with you. You didn't say you were in love with her. Are you?

Posted

Hey CBS, thanks. I'm not sure how old you are, but I made the mistake of leaving my good gf for a "hottie". It was a mistake. The hottie was a headache, drama, cheated on me and gave me an STD. I regretted leaving my nice gf. That was when I was in my early 20s. I would hate to see you burn this nice gf for your ex hottie or even another one! They're not worth it!!

 

I hate to see a guy pining over an ex because she was so "hot". Sure, we're guys and I do understand. We are always drawn to the hot one. It's hard not to think about them when they're so smokin ... especially when you see their hot a**! But, there's a point when you have to be mature and look past the hot exterior and look for a woman with depth and more to offer. It sounds like you might have found that with your new gf. Like I said, I would take an attractive, nice girl over a hottie anyday.

 

Like I said, fck the challenge. Don't get caught in that trap. Get in a mature, mutual relationship with your new gf and just enjoy it!! Nothing at all wrong with a great relationship with no bs!!

 

P.S. Just remember all the good stuff that the new gf has to offer and all the bs your ex hottie put you through.

Posted

You go Norajane! I was going to point all of that out too, but got a little side-tracked. Was that all out of "She's not that into you"?! haha! If CBS is smart, he will realize that he should fall in love with the new gf and forget all about the other one.

Posted
You go Norajane! I was going to point all of that out too, but got a little side-tracked. Was that all out of "She's not that into you"?! haha! If CBS is smart, he will realize that he should fall in love with the new gf and forget all about the other one.

 

 

Yeah, I can understand how y'all would get sidetracked by the hot ass, to the exclusion of everything else. ;)

  • Author
Posted

Norajane,

 

While I value your insight, I don't think you thoroughly understood me. I never said I wanted her back. In fact, I have very little desire to see her ever again. My original problem was not that of missing her, but missing her hot ass. You see? Therein lies the flippant portion of my original post.

 

I think your response is a bit unfair, because the reason she moved to Los Angeles was because her boss (who owns two companies -- one in Toronto and one in LA) saw that she was really screwed up over the breakup (as I was), and said something to the effect of "I've got this other opportunity in this other city that might suit you. Perhaps you'd consider a temporary change."

 

No, I don't always want what I can't have. I'm fairly levelheaded for a 25-year-old man (for those of you wondering my age), and the reason the relationship was deteriorating was because of HER immaturity/high maintenance/neediness, not mine.

 

Again, my original post was simply a question about the inexplicable urge to drool over her hot body whilst simultaneously being handed the perfect (new) girl on a silver platter. And yes, I DO love her.

Posted
Yeah, I can understand how y'all would get sidetracked by the hot ass, to the exclusion of everything else. ;)

 

Haha! Exactly! But I wasn't sidetracked by her ass, I was trying to help him not get sidetracked by her hot ass! :p

 

CBS. Thanks for more detail. I still stick by what I said before. The "hot ass" usually comes with a price (a lot of frustration, maintenance and disppointment). Take it from a guy quite a bit older than you. Don't make the mistake I made when I was your age. They're not worth it. Stay out of the hottie trap. Enjoy the good gf you have and be grateful!

Posted
Again, my original post was simply a question about the inexplicable urge to drool over her hot body whilst simultaneously being handed the perfect (new) girl on a silver platter. And yes, I DO love her.

 

Fair enough - I may have misunderstood.

 

But, I also can't understand what exactly you mean when you say you can't focus on 99% of the things your new girl has to offer because you're thinking about the hotness of the ex's ass.

 

I mean, how exactly does that manifest itself on a day to day basis that it is causing you that much of a problem? Your girl is with you; the ass is not there. So, you're at dinner with your girl and you can't concentrate on what she's saying? You're having sex and fantasizing about the ex?

 

What specifically is happening - how is the ex getting in your way?

  • Author
Posted

My ex is getting in the way because the breakup is fresh and I still think about her as much as I did when we were together. Again, I must emphasize that I'm using "the ass" as an example. A literal translation would read "I am still physically attracted to the ex, I still think about having sex with her, I still think about her having sex with somebody else, I still have feelings for the physical part of our relationship, etc."

 

None of this is particularly rational. I never said it was. Issues pertaining to relationships rarely are. I was simply looking for a way to convince myself that the physical isn't THAT important, and a way to start feeling better about losing the part of the old relationship that was seemingly most important to me.

Posted

Hey CBS. You're pretty fresh out of your old relationship. It's normal to think about your ex, sex with them and so on. Of course we think about how great their *%#* was or how great it was in bed. I used to always think about my ex ex's BJs that she gave me! But she had so many other problems, that was about all she had to offer. Now, I can't even remember how good they were.

 

As you get further down the road you will think about your ex less and less. Physical appearance is important! That's what attracts people to each other. But not all physical. Seems like what you like about your ex was her physical appearance and being physical with her. The rest, as you know, was not that great with your ex.

 

You did say that your new gf was attractive. Maybe not as hot as your ex, but look at all the good qualities that she has and what she has to offer. Sounds like a way better deal for you. At 25, this is a good point for you to turn down another road. Get off the hottie road or you'll find yourself alone at 40 like me. See where chasing hotties got me? Your new gf may or may not be the right one, but continue down this path with the attractive girls that have more to offer instead of the hotties. Years down the road you'll be glad you did.

Posted

I'm afraid I can't help you with that. As a woman, the hotness of a guy isn't at all hard to get over after a break-up. Not having his hot body isn't the part that makes me sad and still thinking about the ex. For me, it's more the emotional part of the relationship that really has an impact - missing the jokes, the affection, the caring between us. It's a lot harder for me to turn off the love when a relationship ends.

 

Maybe the guys here can give you some good advice...

Posted

OP - Whenever I am wallowing int he ruts left by the fast departing relationship wagon I have these horrible pangs of "God-I-miss-the-sex, and she-was-just-so-perfectly-physically-delicious/right-for-me".

 

It seems my mind is quite cunning and has the exceptional ability of convincing me she was perfect through a simple process called "Idealizing". I know your ex had a hot @ss, but you've been there and done that (excuse the awkward pun) - stop idealizing and dwelling and find something in the new gf that trumps it.

 

If exes were that ideal we would still be with them.

 

I figure, if it's not a good enough @rse to support a past relationship, it's not a good enough @rse to ruin the new one.

 

hahahah - hope my rambling has been more than just inane.

Posted

i understand you completely cbscinta1.



 

Im the same with my ex.

 

Shes SO beautiful, but only on the outside unfortunately :(

 

Arg i miss her :(

 

 

I know i've idealised her, put her on a pedastal etc. Its just how to get her down from there?!

 

Rocket

  • Author
Posted

Thanks, Rocketman.

 

You're right. The pedestal was QUITE large.

Posted

dude, we're totally the same. Mgirl who I cheated on constantly was also smoking. I still can't believe it.

 

JUst try to let her go gracefully, I guess. The pain heals with time. Luckily you don't seem to have as much guilt as I do.

 

Good luck, man. Feel free to read my post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111990/

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