MoonGirl Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Hi everyone! I'm beginning to seriously date a very nice man who has a 2-year-old daughter (who he has 50%-70% of the time). I have 2 children (ages 2 and 3). I have known this man for over 10 years and we know each other very well, but have not seen much of each other for about 6 years with the exception of the last 5 months (during which time we were casually dating as "friends" due to my circumstances). Our children have met each other one time, but we generally do not spend time with each other in the presence of our kids. I have been with him and his daughter on a few occasions and she is a very sweet little girl. My boyfriend has only met my children one time when we set up a play-date with his little girl. I am separating from my abusive husband (long story), and although most people think that having a new boyfriend is a bit extreme for me at this point, I am comfortable with it since I have known him for such a long time. He is a wonderful, honest, and handsome man who is very realistic about our situation. He loves children and has no qualms about the possibility of being a stepfather. As most people who end up facing the possibility of having a blended family, I never thought my life would take this direction. I have a lot of questions about how a blended family can be succesful, especially with such young children involved. I don't want this to sound like I'm rushing into anything because I am not. I am just thinking about how a blended family would affect my life, my boyfriend's life, and the lives of our children. I'm not sure if I have been specific enough. I just want to know what others have done in order to have a succesful relationship as a blended family. I know there must be some good outcomes of blended families. Unfortunately, up until now, I have really only heard about the bad... Thanks for reading!
laRubiaBonita Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 The Brady Bunch is a great example of a successfully blended family!
Jinxx Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 The Brady Bunch is a great example of a successfully blended family! What a load of fantasy crap that is! I remarried and was stepmother to my husband's two boys who he was custodial of. We are legally seaparated now. All was well the first years. My husband backed me and we worked well as a team. That is one of the key issues of a successful blended family -- the husband and wife working together to solve problems. Fast forward a few years later when the boys became pre-teens. The **** hit the fan. All of a sudden it was my kids versus his kids and naturally we defended our own flesh and blood without working together to resolve problems. My suggestion to you is to join a stepfamily forum where you can read other stories about stepfamly life. Some are successful where others are horrendous. Being in a blended family is not an easy life.
Author MoonGirl Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Thanks for your response Jinxx. I have heard so many stories like yours, and it makes me sad. It seems like in order to have a successful blended family, you need continual therapy and angelic children.
Touche Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I've been a stepmom for almost 12 years now. It was rough going at the beginning. I can't really speak to blended families though, as I had no children of my own when I entered this marriage. The key is for ALL the adults to come to an understanding. The exes must be civil. Another extremely important thing is for you and your partner to always be on the same page when it comes to the kids. You can't show favoritism. All the rules have to apply equally to all the kids.
Author MoonGirl Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 Thanks Touche, I agree. I hope that if both parents are willing to work together to set fair rules (and stick to them), show no favoritism, and get professional help when necessary, perhaps things can work out. Sometimes I think waiting 16 years until my kids are adults might be a better option.
Curmudgeon Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I have a lot of questions about how a blended family can be succesful, especially with such young children involved. I don't want this to sound like I'm rushing into anything because I am not. I am just thinking about how a blended family would affect my life, my boyfriend's life, and the lives of our children. I firmly believe that the key to success is for the couple to put their relationship first in the respect that when issues arise they present a united front whether it's dealing with the children or dealing with the other parents. Given the ages of the children involved, they'll likely adjust better than the father of yours and mother of hers will. That seems to be the trend. In my wife's and my case, our families are not blended. All of our seven children (her two and my five) are now adults but there was a time when two of them, both mine, were minors. Each of our oldest daughters did their best to try to come between us. We simply wouldn't allow it. We now have seven grandchildren between us as well, three on my wife's side and four on mine. The two sides don't like one another so we make no attempt to get them together and separate holiday observances and other events. Everyone is comfortable with that and it's not an issue because we don't make it one. Interestingly enough, my wife's oldest granddaughter (11) and mine (13) are great friends so we do provide opportunities for them to stay over in our home together and while their respective mothers can't stand one another, they're both appreciative of the fact that the "cousins" love one another and it works for everyone involved. The lesson here is to be flexible, support one another and somehow it should all fall into place.
Author MoonGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 Curmudgeon, Thank you for your post. I assume that not everything will be rainbows and butterflies. All relationships take work, and blended families seem to create a lot of stress. My ex will likely not be a problem. He and I are both firm believers in NC (for different reasons, but...) with the exception of childcare arrangements. My friend's ex is a lunatic, however...she enjoys threatening, screaming, having tantrums, etc. She is terribly insecure, jealous, and tries to be manipulative. It's very sad. I'm sorry to hear that your kids tried to come between the 2 of you, and am glad that you were strong enough to remain married.
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I'm sorry to hear that your kids tried to come between the 2 of you, and am glad that you were strong enough to remain married. Thank you. I won't say it's been a piece of cake but we just celebrated our 10 anniversary and the girls know better than to ever try that again. Our relationships with them, individually and collectively, are fine. We remain a bit wary but so far, so good. Just remember one thing, it's your friend's job to deal with his ex, not yours. If your relationship becomes permanent it will still and will always be his job to deal with her. You're under no obligation to do so.
Guest Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Jinxx my story is the same as yours! My ex and I both each had one son and they were near the same age plus total opposites. His son was raised with no morals or rules (just able to do whatever he wanted when he wanted - spoiled brat). My son isn't perfect but I raised him with morals, manners and he had to work for things he wanted, etc. His son stole from my son - he defended his son - I defended my son. My ex wanted marriage and for us to move into his house. No way - things were bad before we got married, if I uprooted our lives and moved into his house it would have turned out to be war and misery. I got out of that relationship and prefer to stay single until my son is grown and on his own (which is not that far away). Blending families sucks - it's too much work and right now I've got one kid I'm trying to raise single-handedly. Having a husband is like having another kid and I am not willing to take on anyone elses kids! Life is easier and much sane being a single mom and focusing on my job and my son. Anyone who says blending a family is easy is living in la-la land.
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