justamom Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I'm curious about those of you who have been/are in controlling relationships. What type of control have you experienced? Your spouse directly TELLING you things you could and couldn't do? Your spouse guilting/manipulating you into not doing things they don't want you to do? Any other type of control that is not so obvious? TIA!
Meaplus3 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I'm curious about those of you who have been/are in controlling relationships. What type of control have you experienced? Your spouse directly TELLING you things you could and couldn't do? Your spouse guilting/manipulating you into not doing things they don't want you to do? Any other type of control that is not so obvious? TIA! All of the above and it suck's. No one should be controlled by another person, especially a person whom is your spouse. Control in any way, shape or form in a realtionship is not healthy and need's to be addressed at once. The big one in my marriage has been the verbal attack's and insult's in front of family members, friend's and public. This is very degrading to a person and very harmful for one's sense of self worth. This is a big problem right now in my M and we are working to try and repair it. AP:)
StayClose Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 When my W & I disagree about something, she will accuse me of not hearing here, even though I hear every word she says and can repeat it back to her. If I don't go along with her, the fight shifts from whatever it was we were talking about to whether or not I listen to her. I don't know if this is deliberate manipulation, a techique learned from her mother, if she think's she's so brilliant that any disagreement can only be due to a failure to listen, or if she really has a mental bug that confuses disagreement with not hearing.
Madeamistake Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 All of the above and it suck's. No one should be controlled by another person, especially a person whom is your spouse. Control in any way, shape or form in a realtionship is not healthy and need's to be addressed at once. The big one in my marriage has been the verbal attack's and insult's in front of family members, friend's and public. This is very degrading to a person and very harmful for one's sense of self worth. This is a big problem right now in my M and we are working to try and repair it. AP:) +1 Well, I was in a controlling relationship that ended in a bad way. Yep!
Author justamom Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Well, let me give you a little scenario and you tell me if you think I should consider it controlling. Since my husband and I have been together (4 years) I've been *out (like, going out drinking/hanging out with friends) without him maybe 3 times. Any time I want to do something with out him he throws this huge guilt trip on me and talks about how he doesn't want to go out and do things without me, so why do I want to hang out without him? He tells me this is a sacrifice that he makes. note: I tell him he can go out with his friends whenever he wants. Not to mention that the night I was going out, he was at work and couldn't go anyway. We got into a huge fight this past week b/c I went out with a girlfriend that I went to school with. He made me so mad with the interrogation that I decided I would come home when I damn well please. I ended up drinking a little too much and hanging out at a friends place until I was sober enough to drive home (which was around 3am). When I got home we had a huge fight about this. It's always been like that. He tries to make me feel bad for wanting to do things. This is one situation. So what do you think?
Moose Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 If you're married, then yes, you should always include your husband with your outtings, especially if there's drinking involved. If it's a, "girl's night out", where you're with other married women, then no biggie.... But hangin' out with single women, drinking too much, then staying at a, "friends" house to sober up and to intentionally piss your husband off, is totally unacceptable. But yourself in his shoes.....
Author justamom Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 If you're married, then yes, you should always include your husband with your outtings, especially if there's drinking involved. If it's a, "girl's night out", where you're with other married women, then no biggie.... But hangin' out with single women, drinking too much, then staying at a, "friends" house to sober up and to intentionally piss your husband off, is totally unacceptable. But yourself in his shoes..... First, The girl I went out with isn't married, but in a committed relationship. I don't see what the difference is unless he is making an assumption that I'm whoring it up like "all the single girls do"? That's pretty sad. Second, I didn't stay out late to piss him off. I stayed out late b/c I drank too much b/c *I* was pissed off. THEN, I made sure I didn't drive my drunk self straight to jail. Third, I can't put myself in his shoes, b/c I don't think like he does. I was in contact with him all night, even though I was angry. I called him when I wasn't home by 1:00 (when he gets off work) to let him know I was going to be hanging out for a bit while I sobered up. He knew where I was. Lastly, I highly disagree with the idea that husband and wife should be attached at the hip. I don't think that either spouse should be out ALL the time without their partner. But, I think it's essential for people to spend time apart from one another.
Moose Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 First, The girl I went out with isn't married, but in a committed relationship. I don't see what the difference is unless he is making an assumption that I'm whoring it up like "all the single girls do"? That's pretty sad.What other motivation is there to go out? If you're not out, "whoring it up", like you put it, and you're in a comitted relationship, there really isn't any other motivation to go out other than getting drunk is there? You can do that at home right?Second, I didn't stay out late to piss him off. I stayed out late b/c I drank too much b/c *I* was pissed off.This is what you said:He made me so mad with the interrogation that I decided I would come home when I damn well please.That, (in my book), is pissing him off on purpose......you didn't drink too much until AFTER you decided you'd show him by staying out late.THEN, I made sure I didn't drive my drunk self straight to jail.If you weren't so hell bent on making your husband mad, this would've never been a problem.....right?I was in contact with him all night, even though I was angry.You might've been better off not being in contact with him at all. That's just my opinion.......no wonder he was so mad....Lastly, I highly disagree with the idea that husband and wife should be attached at the hip. I don't think that either spouse should be out ALL the time without their partner. But, I think it's essential for people to spend time apart from one another.I agree with you here. But, I have to say that going out and drinking should be enjoyed ONLY with your spouse included.
Author justamom Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 What other motivation is there to go out? If you're not out, "whoring it up", like you put it, and you're in a comitted relationship, there really isn't any other motivation to go out other than getting drunk is there? You can do that at home right? This is what you said:That, (in my book), is pissing him off on purpose......you didn't drink too much until AFTER you decided you'd show him by staying out late.If you weren't so hell bent on making your husband mad, this would've never been a problem.....right? You might've been better off not being in contact with him at all. That's just my opinion.......no wonder he was so mad.... I agree with you here. But, I have to say that going out and drinking should be enjoyed ONLY with your spouse included. Sure I can drink at home. That doesn't mean I want to. I wasn't hell bent on making him mad. I was hell bent on doing what I wanted to do, for once. If it made him mad in the process, so be it. Why exactly would it have been better to not be in contact? I'm pretty sure that would have pissed him off even more. So, not only should I have gone against what he wanted, but I should have also left him hanging, wondering where I was? That doesn't make sense. But, I'll wait to read a logical explanation
Moose Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I was hell bent on doing what I wanted to do, for once.If that's the case then:So, not only should I have gone against what he wanted, but I should have also left him hanging, wondering where I was? That doesn't make sense....you didn't accomplish anything but piss him off. Personally, if you're going to go and, "do your thang because you're all that and noone can tell you what to do", then go and do it......don't call home or his cell all pissed off at him because you have to show him you're an adult...... Yes he would be hanging and wondering, worrying......but you'll get the message across a lot better, and save him the anger if you just go and do it.... BUT, don't be too surprised when he boots you out for it....
Author justamom Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 So, your recommendation is that, while I'm "doing my thang" I should also act like I forgot he is even at home wondering? SO, that way he will eventually just leave me. That...makes...perfect sense. HOW about, instead of my husband being so posessive, he just let me be in control of myself? Seems like that would make more sense. Especially since these instances are not solely related to going out "drinking with the girls" He also acted this way when I went to my cousin's baby shower. Then again, she IS pregnant....god only knows what kind of things are going on around there.
Moose Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 So, your recommendation is that, while I'm "doing my thang" I should also act like I forgot he is even at home wondering?Yes, that is what I'm saying. Otherwise, what's your whole point? That is what you're trying to gain from all of this isn't it? To be able to go out and do whatever it is that you want to do, without having to worry about what your husband thinks?SO, that way he will eventually just leave me.Oh well, you don't want him to go out with you, so what's the point of him sticking around anyways?HOW about, instead of my husband being so posessive, he just let me be in control of myself?There's obviously more to this story that you're not telling us. They're got to be a reason he's insecure with you going out alone. And whatever that is, that's what you two should be working on, not you trying to be, "Mrs. I'm an adult and do whatever a damn well please", and him being, "Mr. Dictator"......
Author justamom Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Yes, that is what I'm saying. Otherwise, what's your whole point? That is what you're trying to gain from all of this isn't it? To be able to go out and do whatever it is that you want to do, without having to worry about what your husband thinks?Oh well, you don't want him to go out with you, so what's the point of him sticking around anyways?There's obviously more to this story that you're not telling us. They're got to be a reason he's insecure with you going out alone. And whatever that is, that's what you two should be working on, not you trying to be, "Mrs. I'm an adult and do whatever a damn well please", and him being, "Mr. Dictator"...... Oh, NOW there is a whole lot going on. Before, there really was no excuse. You can read the other thread I started if you would like to know what else is going on. But, I am an adult and I can do whatever I damn well please.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I have never been a controlling man. Never had to know every detail about where a gf went...didn't care...i always trusted them until they gave me a reason to no longer trust. Now, fast forward to the present...I found out 7 years and 2 kids later that my wife cheated on me when we were engaged...and after finding that out I suspect that she has cheated during marriage, but I have no proof. So needless to say, she no longer is allowed to go clubbing with her friends. She messed that up. Some people say its controlling.....either way...I don't care. I don't physically stop her from doing anything...I'm not that way, never have been. But she knows that if she does anything from now on that I don't much approve of, she can pack her bags and leave without my kids. She had a husband that didn't mind watching our children while she went out and blew off some steam....but now that I know what she is capable of....I expect her to act like a wife and not a college girl. Moral of the story: if you don't want to turn a caring and loving husband into a taskmaster.....don't f#ck around.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 If you're married, then yes, you should always include your husband with your outtings, especially if there's drinking involved. If it's a, "girl's night out", where you're with other married women, then no biggie.... But hangin' out with single women, drinking too much, then staying at a, "friends" house to sober up and to intentionally piss your husband off, is totally unacceptable. But yourself in his shoes..... I agree....why the hell would you go out drinking alot intentionally so that you would come home a 3am...I wouldn't blame him if he thought his wife was cheating. And thing is, she probably has before.
Moose Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 You can read the other thread I started if you would like to know what else is going on. You're going to have to be a little more specific.......
Woggle Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Any adult should be able to come and go as they please. If a person wants to cheat they will cheat and there is really nothing a spouse can do about it. If I ever found out my wife was cheating I would divorce her and move on with my life. I would never even be in a marriage where I had to worry about what my wife was doing when I am not around. If she breaks that trust she will no longer be my wife and that goes for any of the time we were together.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 But, I am an adult and I can do whatever I damn well please. Well it sounds like what pleases you is pissing off your husband. If you want to go out and act like a single woman...why not just get a divorce? Then you can go out and do whatever the hell you want without having to answer to anyone. And come on..you can tell us....why is it you just have to go out drinking and coming home late?.....not enough hot guys at home?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Any adult should be able to come and go as they please. If a person wants to cheat they will cheat and there is really nothing a spouse can do about it. If I ever found out my wife was cheating I would divorce her and move on with my life. Sometimes its a little more complicated than that. In my case, I am trying my damdest for my kids. But if my wife thinks she is going to go out and act like a single woman, she has another thing coming. If she does, then I won't put up with it and she will be packing her bags. The choice is hers...be a wife, or be a clubber/bar hopper.
Woggle Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I can understand since your wife cheated but you do not own her. Both my wife and I go on business trips alone and we both have gone on one each since the marriage and there will be more. We both trust each other and neither one of us cheat. I can go out and have fun without wanting to pick up somebody.
Moose Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I posted a few months ago looking for advice about me cheating on my H. It wasn't an affair or anything like that. I got drunk and kissed a guy that we both know.Ok....now I know enough to not waste my time on trying to talk any sense into you....the rest of your post is all about your problems, and what you feel you're lacking in your marriage. Not one reference about what he's feeling, and what he's suffering from in this marriage...... Honestly, if my wife got drunk and kissed a guy, (whether or not we knew him), she wouldn't be going out drinking without me ever again.....that's a fact..... If you're going to go out and act like an immature college gal and expect your husband to be calm about it......you've got another thing coming. I don't blame him one bit.....
serial muse Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 JAM, I read your other thread, and wow, you've both got a lot of stuff bottled up, haven't you? Yes, clearly your husband is acting out and is angry, and has some justification for that. But it's also clear that you're angry and frustrated too, and have been for some time, which is what probably prompted your previous actions. I think you have to allow yourself to acknowledge that he's pretty much justified in worrying about what you'll do when you're out late drinking, and if you want to work things out with him and find a way to be happy together, it's important for you to own up to your part in that and not get defensive. I think he's being controlling and acting out in an unhealthy way, but I also think it's not unreasonable that he doesn't fully trust you right now. Honestly, I wouldn't either, especially if you got defensive about it. That said, it's not constructive for him to just place restrictions on you, either. There has to be some kind of dialogue between you to improve communication and redevelop trust, and that is what isn't happening. You said, in the other thread, that you did have a lot of stuff bottled up that you didn't know how to bring up to him because he immediately interprets that as blaming him and won't try to work on it constructively. That's a big problem - your unhappiness isn't going to go anywhere either, until you can both have honest discussions about why you're both unhappy and what you can do about it - and can ensure that you DON'T let that unhappiness translate into treating your son badly. He may have a great deal of bottled up anger, but taking it out on your son, physically or emotionally, is NOT OKAY. You've both got a lot to work on, and you're apparently not very good at communicating with each other and working as a team, rather than combatants. I recommend marriage counseling. Sure, it might be constructive for you each to see individual counselors - him, for his anger, and you for your own frustrations. But you also need to learn how to talk - and especially listen - to each other. So please, consider seeing a MC together.
Woggle Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 After finding out you cheated I don't blame him but I would have just left the marriage.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I can understand since your wife cheated but you do not own her. I know this....thats why I won't stop her from doing what she wants to do....but she now knows there are consequences of what she does from now on out. If going out to clubs with her friends are more important to her than her family...then she will lose her family.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Ok....now I know enough to not waste my time on trying to talk any sense into you....the rest of your post is all about your problems, and what you feel you're lacking in your marriage. Not one reference about what he's feeling, and what he's suffering from in this marriage...... Honestly, if my wife got drunk and kissed a guy, (whether or not we knew him), she wouldn't be going out drinking without me ever again.....that's a fact..... If you're going to go out and act like an immature college gal and expect your husband to be calm about it......you've got another thing coming. I don't blame him one bit..... Very well said. Nothing unreasonable about it. She has proven why he is the way he is. She cheated...I wouldn't trust her either.
Recommended Posts