blackangel Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I've known this guy for about a year and we have always got on. As I he hadn't seen me for 3 weeks he contacted my friend asking me if I would go out with him. I agreed and we got on really well. We talked about everything and about his ex wife and kids. I was being bombard with text messages which didn't bother me as I thought it was quite nice someone paying attention to me. We met up on friday night and which we spent the night together and everything was brillent. Saturday morning I went round my friends and I spoke to him during the day and he was all was well. Later saturday night I sent him a text to find out what time he was finishing work and the reply was so cold. It ended up with him calling me and he was a total different person to me. When I asked what the matter was all he said that things where going to fast for him and that he didn't want anything serious and that he was getting hassal from work plus his ex wife. As you can imagine I was a bit taken back. Considering everything was brillent. I stated to him if things where going to fast for him that is only beause of him and they he's come across. He said that it wasn't him it was me. (But he was the one who was always texting or calling me) I said ok fine (what else can I say) and if he wanted out of the relationship just to say so and that would be it. He made it clear that he wanted to carry on with the relationship and that we would talk about it sunday. Sunday came slowly went......I heard nothing I had sent a couple of texts to him and heard nothing. I ended up calling him so I asked him again whats the problem and again he said that things where going to fast for him and the reason why he hadn't called was because he was flat out at work. Again I asked him if he wanted us to split up and he said no as we get on really well blah blah blah. I asked him if anything that he said to me was a lie and he said that he ment everything he said. Again he said that he would call me tomorrow (monday) so we can talk about it. I texted him sunday night and the reply I got back was "I told you I will call you tomorrow". Its Monday now I've heard nothing....I'm not going to call him why should I. But what I don't understand is why? He's a gentleman, a loving kind gentle man and anybody that knows him they would say the samething about him. I can't understand what I have done (thats if its me) for him to be so cold towards me. Basically the way he's acting now is totally the oppsite the way he really is. Someone please help me as I'm totally lost and confused. My heart is telling me to stand back and that he will call when he's ready but I'm scared that I will never hear from him again.
Davis Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 BlackAngel: how old are you?? I think the issue is you. You seem obsessed. He spent the night? Did you have sex? I think you have been in more contact or at least "pushy" then you admit. Regardless, it's time for you to do NC!! Either you have pushed him away or he's not interested regardless of what he tells you. Either way, you have to do NC. Do Not chase after they pull away!! You have to do NC so that you give him some time to think and hopefully "shrink" the distance between you two. Stop asking him if he wants to be in this relationship!! While doing NC, you have to work on your head. You have to start to understand the following, even if you never hear from him again. This is not the perfect guy. This is not the only guy for you. This is not the only guy you'll ever love. This is a guy that you have idealized. You're not in love with him, you're in love with ideal version of him in your head. If you cannot get your head together and stop obsessing and acting compulsively, then give it up. It will never work! DO NOT call, text, email, phone or leave messages!! DO NOT!!! You're only going to push him away more. Is that what you want? If he contacts you, let it go to voice mail or whatever. DO NOT respond for 3 days. Then keep it light. Do not make demands or rush back into your old behavior. If he's interested, you're going to have to show him you're different. Good Luck.
blackangel012002 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Davis: If anyone was obsessed it was him, if I didn't answer his texts within a certain time he was calling me to find out what I was doing. I will take your advice and if nothing happens then fine life goes on.
contemplater Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I doubt this is what you want to hear, but it sounds to me like he's just not that into you. Initially he bombarded you with texts because winning you over gave him the excitement of something new and challenging, but once you two spent the night (and had sex?), he knew he had you hooked since you kept contacting him so much instead of letting him do some of the contacting. That's why he's blaming you for rushing things: he subconsciously wanted more of a challenge from you and feels crowded when you keep contacting him. In his eyes you're surrendering yourself too early, too quickly, too easily, and you're being too dramatic by repeatedly asking what's wrong and if he wants to end the relationship because it lets him know how much you keep worrying about losing him. When he says things are going too fast, what he really means is you're not presenting enough of a challenge to keep his interest level up. He's pulling away because you keep leaning in on him and putting things out of balance. He keeps postponing, brushing you off, and saying he doesn't want anything serious because he doesn't want the feeling of having someone else's happiness dependant on his confusion. He needs time to himself to figure out whether/how much he likes you. So back off some, give him space and time to think about everything, and he'll appreciate you more for it. It's obvious that you care about him a lot, but emotions aside, one thing you might want to be asking yourself - if his desire for you is waning or uncertain this early on, is he really worth worrying about and trying to win over?
Davis Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Contemplator: well said! BlackAngel, your story reminds me of how a lot of women are acting these days: they stroke the guys ego, contact them a lot, have sex with them, suck them in and then they back way off or dump them. Actually I think it's a classic guy maneuver. Anyway, it could be the challenge is over for him or he's not that interested. By backing off (ie NC) you will see if he responds and if he's interested. If he already lost interest, do you really want him anyway?
blackangel012002 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I totally agree with what Contemplator had posted. I had been thinking about it today and I am going to just let him get on with it. As fair as I am concerned its over between us and he's not worth it. Pleanty more fish in the sea. Thanks to you both for your advice it was a great help.
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