brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Well as for the 26 yr old guy I was posting about, it doesn't matter anymore, cuz I called him Friday night and he has never called back; obviously he isn't interested. Something about our "date" must have change his mind; we were both drunk the 1st time we met so maybe he realized he was wearing beer goggles. I'm a cute girl, and I know this, but I'm 30 yrs old and don't even know what it's like to actually have a good looking guy like you back, or to get flowers, or a return phone call for christ sake. What is it like, to have someone like you as much as you like them? Why does it seem so hard to come by for me in 30 freakin years of being alive! I haven't been in a relationship since high school. I just feel pathetic and desperate and lonely yet perfectly happy with my looks, my life, etc....but I've dreamt of getting married and having children my whole life, yet it's so far out of my reach. I've tried all the internet dating there is to try, I go to different places and do different things as much as I possibly can, but nothing ever happens...in nursing school it's all chicks...For each day I don't have a boyfriend, it's less likely that my dreams will come true and it kills me. There's not much anyone can say, except, don't worry, you'll find someone, there's someone for everybody, blah blah blah, I've heard it all and none of it means a thing to me until it happens. It's hard to be optimistic when I've dealt with nothing but A holes for the last 10 years.
Krytellan Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I wish I knew what to say to make it easier for you. I mean, I know people somewhat in your situation. It's very easy to put the impetus on others for your situation, but it's far more productive to put the impetus on you, because you are the only person you can affect. So what can you do? Ask yourself if you may be coming off as needy in dating or social situations. I only say this because it would seem a natural byproduct of such a long dryspell. If this could be true, identify that as a thing to work on. Do you lack confidence? I mean, if you were to take a moment and be honest with yourself here, would you say that you carry yourself in way that would make people think you matter? Though it is impossible to measure, confidence alone is the most powerful thing you can have. Inner confidence affects everything about your person... the way you carry yourself (most important as others can see it), the way you talk to others, and the things you expect from others). I could not possibly overstate the importance of confidence. Confidence alone turns a self-proclaimed "5" into a 7 or 8. And are you looking in the right places? I'm gonna be blunt here. Are you a very average looking person trying to meet guys in bars and places where there are lots of stimulus? This could be a factor. You need to consider the qualities you seek in someone and look accordingly. But all in all, patience is key. My g/f is 30 and she dated a total of 2 years in her life before we met. She claims to have had a tough early adulthood because she was awkward. I, however, can't possibly imagine people not falling over themselves to be with her. So I guess the point here is I am only one person, but I'm the only person she needs at the moment (just being realistic) . So it only takes one person to change your life.
Star Gazer Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I'm 30 yrs old and don't even know what it's like to actually have a good looking guy like you back, or to get flowers, or a return phone call for christ sake.... I just feel pathetic and desperate and lonely... My gut instinct is that your feelings of being pathetic, desperate, and lonely are coming across to the guys you interact with. Not every guy you've ever dated/met/whatever could possibly NOT like you back or NOT return your call, UNLESS....(don't hate me)....you're doing something "wrong." I haven't read your other threads, so I can't refer to specific incidents of behavior, but I do agree with everything K has said above me. Confidence is huge. I'm able to fake it very, very well. It's about the way you walk, talk, your posture, your "this is me" attitude. You need to cultivate that...even if you're faking it. I do it everyday, and it works. The best advice I ever got in the confidence department is this: "Act as if ____." Act as if you're gorgeous, confident, smart, intelligent, etc. Because you ARE those things. Maybe you don't believe it, but if you ACT AS IF, others will....and someday you will too. And then you'll get flowers... :-)
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 You are right about confidence...and I've always had it, in fact a close guy friend of mine told me once that I might be approachable to men because I look intimidating, you know, like too confident I guess. That confidence just seems to dissipate for every time i get frustrated and want to give up on meeting someone. Cuz I think, if I wasn't put here to be a wife and a mother, then why the hell am I here? Hence who cares what I look like hence depression, not really low esteem, just not really self esteem either way. Sounds weird huh! I feel that I acted pretty confident on my "date" the other night, I asked him questions about himself and made sure that he learned some things about me as well..you know, the basics, jobs, hobbies, etc. And I went there with a feeling of attractiveness...as good looking as he was, I didn't feel intimidated by it...in fact I thought for sure he was attracted to...but maybe not since he hasn't called....whatever I do wrong, I don't have a clue what it could be, when all we did was talk over a couple beers...I must have let something really dumb come out of my mouth...
Krytellan Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 You are right about confidence...and I've always had it, in fact a close guy friend of mine told me once that I might be approachable to men because I look intimidating, you know, like too confident I guess. That confidence just seems to dissipate for every time i get frustrated and want to give up on meeting someone. Cuz I think, if I wasn't put here to be a wife and a mother, then why the hell am I here? Hence who cares what I look like hence depression, not really low esteem, just not really self esteem either way. Sounds weird huh! OK, you've addressed one of the ideas. I have to assume you're being honest. What about the rest?
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 If anything I try to hide my desperation...but sometimes I think they pick up on it anyway...if that's the case i am screwed!
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 If you let a guy think that you dont need a man or want a boyfriend...he'll treat you like your a slut...if you let him believe you are searching for a relationship..he treats you like you are desperate even if your not...and he runs..cuz he thinks, this girl just wants to lock me down, see ya!
Krytellan Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 If you let a guy think that you dont need a man or want a boyfriend...he'll treat you like your a slut...if you let him believe you are searching for a relationship..he treats you like you are desperate even if your not...and he runs..cuz he thinks, this girl just wants to lock me down, see ya! If that's what makes you feel better, so be it. I'm a guy and that isn't even close to how I am. What I meant about the rest is confidence was only one of the 4ish reason I posted might be the issue. What about the other 3. If it's easier to dish it off onto the men and blame them, I would understand though. That is a lot easier.
Star Gazer Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 If you let a guy think that you dont need a man or want a boyfriend...he'll treat you like your a slut...if you let him believe you are searching for a relationship..he treats you like you are desperate even if your not...and he runs..cuz he thinks, this girl just wants to lock me down, see ya! Mmmm, kinda. But not quite. There's a difference between saying "I don't need a man/BF, but I'll f*ck you anyway" (yes, comes across as a slut), "Oh, I'm only a serious relationship kinda girl, will you marry me??" (desperate!!) on the one hand, and saying AND BEHAVING like, "I am perfectly happy with JUST ME. If a GREAT guy comes along, then I'm willing to entertain the idea of getting to know him... But I am a prize - a prize that has to be earned" on the other. Do you see the difference?? You have to BELIEVE the latter part of the above paragraph before they're believe it too. You have to figure out a way to completely love yourself first before anyone is ever going to really love YOU.
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 I want to call this guy badly, and ask him out, even though he hasn't called me from Friday. I want another chance to make him see what he could have, cuz a meeting over a couple beers just doesn't cut it. I want to go out with him one more time and woo him to death then tell him if he wants more he has to earn it...the worst that can happen is that he won't call back...again
Krytellan Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 It's obvious you're making no attempt to get to the bottom of this, so I'm out ----> Good Luck
guin_girl Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 BH. First off, I'm much older than you and I have not been married or had children, so I can relate to "life passing you by". But you need to stop thinking like that. Do you like you? Are you comfortable with the person you are? God put us on earth for a reason, it may not have been to be a wife and a mother. We don't know that. But more than anything, you will not find happiness until you are truly happy with yourself. A man will pick up on the fact whether you are comfortable with who you are or not. Yes I have been told that I am intimidating. I have the car, the house, the career and `gasp` a life outside of dating. Some men are intimidated, yes, but for the most part not really. There are also some men that will assume because of my age, I'm looking for a baby maker... yes I want children, I have a personal deadline for that. I will go to a sperm bank before I would desperately latch on to some guy. But again, those are just some men. It is intimidating to some people that someone has their life together.
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 It's obvious you're making no attempt to get to the bottom of this, so I'm out ----> Good Luck What are you talking about? And of course I put some blame on the men...for not seeing what they could have...but I put blame on myself also, for what I'm not sure, but obviously I contribute somehow. I hardly ever go to bars anymore, and if I do, I know better than to think I might find my husband there. Otherwise, I work full time + go to nursing school, which doesn't leave much time for meeting men in other ways. Plus, all of my friends are married with kids, and don't have single friends left to set me up with...I'm just backed into a corner, as the dating pool in my age group gets smaller.
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 BH. First off, I'm much older than you and I have not been married or had children, so I can relate to "life passing you by". But you need to stop thinking like that. Do you like you? Are you comfortable with the person you are? God put us on earth for a reason, it may not have been to be a wife and a mother. We don't know that. But more than anything, you will not find happiness until you are truly happy with yourself. A man will pick up on the fact whether you are comfortable with who you are or not. Yes I have been told that I am intimidating. I have the car, the house, the career and `gasp` a life outside of dating. Some men are intimidated, yes, but for the most part not really. There are also some men that will assume because of my age, I'm looking for a baby maker... yes I want children, I have a personal deadline for that. I will go to a sperm bank before I would desperately latch on to some guy. But again, those are just some men. It is intimidating to some people that someone has their life together. Thanks for the advice, but for the last time, I like ME just fine, more than I ever have before, but we all long for love, and I know that not every woman is supposed to have babies and be a wife; but I think that I AM supposed to and I WANT to, BADLY. I don't have a problem with being strong, independent, happy with my life, but while I do that I could be getting robbed of what I would consider the most precious gift on earth, love and family. I go after it, like agreeing to have a beer with this guy the other night (which was more like just for fun...but I go for it however you want to look at it) but it seems to be the only thing I can't get no matter how hard I work for it... ...which I guess is what makes me just want to call the guy and ask him out, just because it's a totally different approach for me...maybe I need to work even harder than I thought I was...I don't know...
Author brokenhart2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 Krytellan, sometimes I just wonder if my father leaving my mother for another woman, even though I consider him one of the kindest men I've ever known, and we are very close; i wonder if it's lead me to expect every man I meet to do the same to me.
guin_girl Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 ...which I guess is what makes me just want to call the guy and ask him out, just because it's a totally different approach for me...maybe I need to work even harder than I thought I was...I don't know... Well it could be that you are too strong and independent, and they can sense that. Men do want to feel needed, not demanded. You may need to find a balance. As for calling him, that's not a problem. But this was a first date, on a weekend. A super bowl weekend at that, for him not to call this weekend, is actually not a surprise. I would give him time, and then if you still feel this strongly, call him on Wednesday.
tanbark813 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Maybe he just thinks you're too old for him. I think you're beating yourself up too much.
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