movinon05 Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 "she broke up with me. I don't blame here because I can't give her what she wants right now". And what about this, BK? He's told this to you and now he's told the friends. Whatever happens down the road, he readily admits he "can't" give you what you want now because he's not prepared to. You can't live your life waiting for him to do so. There's no doubt in my mind you'll hear from him again, and I'm sure you might want to hear that, but please stay strong, for your own benefit. Hell, my MM tried months later, a year later, but I didn't give an inch. He'll ride this rollercoaster as long as you allow him. You're going to go through anger and sadness, its all part of the process. But after awhile, you're going to get tired of feeling so miserable and finally get disgusted. That's when you'll start really thinking more about yourself and feeling a need to feel good, go out and have a good time and have a few laughs to lift the burdens. That's when you realize you can really do this and you can survive. Allow yourself the time to experience all the emotions. They will all get you where you need to be.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Ok. Just a quick update. I've received no contact from my MM since Sunday night. His roommate called me today to tell me that MM was a "basketcase". He said that my one reply of "yes" to MM's text message last week of "R u ok?" really hit home. My friend says that MM said that he "f**ked up this time and she's not coming back". Ok, good, right? Now here's my question...why if he "couldn't give me what I wanted" (aka him to file for divorce)...then why is he so miserably upset? He got what he wanted. He didn't want to file for divorce and now he doesn't have to. He's free and clear to run back to Mrs. Wonderful. What is his problem? What's stopping him from racing back to her (which he hasn't done). I don't get it.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 The roommate should NOT be calling you, that is breaking NC -Even if the MM isn't speaking to you directly - He's breakin' it so YOU feel bad and go back to him because he's "missing you" and a basketcase. He knows if he wants you back he has to get a divorce....He hasn't done that yet (he probably needs enough time to figure out what he wants) so do NOT go back or even speak to him! He's upset because he wants YOU. But, he's too settled into his life to make the changes necessary to have YOU in his life fully....He must sheeyt or get off the pot. And it's good you're not sitting there by his side, waiting. Don't try to figure out what is going on inside his head. Part of NC is also detaching yourself from him enough that he isn't in YOUR head all the time. Who cares why he hasn't run back to her. That's his problem to solve, not yours. Keep busy and I guess now you gotta go NC with not only MM, but his roommate too!
norajane Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Ok, good, right? Now here's my question...why if he "couldn't give me what I wanted" (aka him to file for divorce)...then why is he so miserably upset? He got what he wanted. He didn't want to file for divorce and now he doesn't have to. He's free and clear to run back to Mrs. Wonderful. What is his problem? What's stopping him from racing back to her (which he hasn't done). I don't get it. You keep saying he got what he wanted. I honestly don't understand why you say that, unless it's just the angry martyr in you talking. You didn't break this off for HIS sake, because you were preventing him from running back to his wife. You broke it off for YOUR sake, because he was preventing you from having a full, loving relationship with a future. HE didn't want to break this off. HE didn't want to run back to his wife - he could have done that at any point in the last year if she would have him. HE didn't want to make any changes - he wanted you and he wanted to stay married. So, now you've taken his cake away and he's upset. You took away his option to have you as a girlfriend, to have love and sex with someone who loves and cares for him. Of course he's going to miss that. But unless he misses it enough to actually file for divorce, you're still stuck in the same place you were before. Think of it this way: he should have been miserable this whole past year, being with you while married. He should have been miserable that he couldn't give you what you deserve. But, he wasn't. YOU were miserable. He didn't become miserable until you took yourself out of the equation.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 I guess I'm not looking at it the same way. Yes, I am angry with him for putting our relationship where it is and for the fact that we're both miserable right now but we really don't HAVE to be if he would just have done what he told me he was going to do 100 times. I don't think I'm being a martyr. It pisses me off that he is so selfish to allow both of us to continue to suffer day after day while he....what?....makes a decision as to what he wants to do with his life? he could put an end to all this pain at any time but he chooses not to. When I say that he got what he wanted I'm looking at it in the fact that he didn't want any pressure about getting divorced, he didn't want to HAVE to file for divorce for whatever his reasons are this week. Now by me walking away and leaving him alone he's got that. No more pressure from me and now he doesn't have to do anything about the divorce so therefore he got what he wanted. The fact that he's now sitting a home crying in his beer is confusing to me because it's not like he can't fix this. He's got the ability to stop being so sad and miserable. He's told me over and over that I am who he wants to be with. Therefore, he can fix it so he and I are both happy again. He's got that ability. I don't have that choice. My only choice in this is to put myself through torture by walking away and try to put my life back together without him. Every day that he sits wringing his hands is another day that he and I wasted that could have been spent together. I hope that somewhat clears up where I'm coming from and why I don't understand the situation.
norajane Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I guess I'm not looking at it the same way. Yes, I am angry with him for putting our relationship where it is and for the fact that we're both miserable right now but we really don't HAVE to be if he would just have done what he told me he was going to do 100 times. I don't think I'm being a martyr. When you say he's free to run back to his wife now, you are presenting yourself as a martyr, as though the main reason you broke up with him was to give him the opportunity to be with his wife without your interference, and you did this kind thing for him it at your expense. I know you aren't being a martyr - because you did this for you, you broke up with him so he'd make a decision about a divorce - but you might be feeling a little bit like one. It pisses me off that he is so selfish to allow both of us to continue to suffer day after day while he....what?....makes a decision as to what he wants to do with his life? he could put an end to all this pain at any time but he chooses not to. And it should piss you off! Because he could put an end to your pain, but he won't. When I say that he got what he wanted I'm looking at it in the fact that he didn't want any pressure about getting divorced, he didn't want to HAVE to file for divorce for whatever his reasons are this week. Now by me walking away and leaving him alone he's got that. No more pressure from me and now he doesn't have to do anything about the divorce so therefore he got what he wanted. But you are forgetting the other part of the equation. He didn't want pressure to get a divorce, true, but he also wanted to continue his affair with you at the same time. But, by taking the pressure away by leaving him, you've taken also taken the affair away from him, so no, he doesn't have what he wanted. And he probably doesn't see NC as you relieving him of divorce pressure. He probably sees this is you putting even MORE pressure on him to get a divorce, harder pressure, tougher pressure, pressure he can't ignore - isn't that exactly what you were trying to do? Go NC to make him get a divorce once he feels the loss of you? The fact that he's now sitting a home crying in his beer is confusing to me because it's not like he can't fix this. He's got the ability to stop being so sad and miserable. He's told me over and over that I am who he wants to be with. Therefore, he can fix it so he and I are both happy again. He's got that ability. I don't have that choice. My only choice in this is to put myself through torture by walking away and try to put my life back together without him. Every day that he sits wringing his hands is another day that he and I wasted that could have been spent together. He's got the ability, but he doesn't have the balls. The only thing that's different now is the HE is miserable where he really wasn't while you were making him happy by seeing him. This is the first time he's truly been miserable. This is the first time he's had to deal with the consequences of his situation. This is the first time he's felt the pain that you've been feeling for the last year.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 I guess it does sound like I'm trying to be a martyr but that wasn't the message I was trying to get across. My FEAR is that now that he's free of me that he will run back to her and our relationship truly will be over. I guess I was just trying to protect myself some by saying that now he's free of me he can to go back to her. Didn't mean for it to be martyr-ish. That's certainly not me. I'm the doormat....or at least have allowed myself to be for the last year by not standing up for what is right for me. haha Maybe this will put more pressure on him by me walking away. Yes, I would love for the end result to be that he file for divorce and that he and I are able to move forward our relationship free and clear of all of this crap. Yes, that is what I want but I'm so hurt, angry, lonely and scared right now that all the thoughts in my head say "nope, now he's free of you and will go back to her because it's easy". I don't want that but I don't have any control over the situation anymore so I let my fear of what might happen take over.
norajane Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I wish I had the magic words to make this easier for you, but I don't think there are any. You have to stay strong and remember that you are doing the best you can for yourself. Consider how you'd feel if you remained in limbo with him for another year - a year from now you'd feel even worse for having wasted all that time on a guy who is paralyzed in inaction. Yes, it's possible he won't get a divorce. I don't think he's going to go back to his wife. If that's what they both wanted, that could have happened at any time. It hasn't. I think it's more likely he won't do anything. He won't divorce, but he won't go back to her either. I don't understand why neither of them has filed for divorce. What reasons has he given you that SHE hasn't filed?
Author Baileykeg Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 I've never asked why she didn't file. Never occurred to me until after we broke up. Guess I should have asked that.
Guest Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 BK, I'm a lurker and let's just say I have experience in the EMA department. I think what norajane is hinting at (more than hinting, really) and that you may not be able to accept right now is for whatever reason divorce is not possible for him. (It's crazy, it's wrong, you've got yourself a real doozy here, it's just that when you examine his behavior you can see he cannot bring himself to get divorced.) Given that he feels due to whatever delusion that he CANNOT be divorced, the best case scenario was for him to be in an affair with you. Being married and having an affair makes all right in his world. When you take yourself away, he is devastated (as now). But that does not change the fact that he cannot bring himself to divorce. Having said all that, I have a radical thought for you. IF (and I don't know if this is true), his wife knows about you, his family knows about you, you spend days on end together, and you are not sneaking around, you can walk down the street in public with his arm around you, then, why is it necessarily the case that you can't be with him? If (as I think you've said), you want to have children with him, then I could understand. (How old are you?) But some couples remain separated for decades and the former partners go on to have other people in their lives. (Is he Catholic, by the way?) Look at Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. They lived their grown lives together but he never divorced. (That was worse since they HAD to sneak around due to the Hollywood system and the times.) To me, what is horrible about an affair is the deception and the sneaking. If he puts you first in every other way, truly has shown you that you are his Number One priority (you deserve that!!) and you are a known, open couple who do not have to sneak around, then what is the loss? Just my $.02. {{{HUGS}}}}
norajane Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 I am saying he won't get a divorce, but I would never suggest she accept a half-life in order to accommodate his shortcomings!! As an unmarried woman who is partnered with a married man, she would not be entitled to any of the legal benefits that accrue to a married couple - hospital visitations, making health decisions should the other person become incapacitated, health insurance coverage (should bailey want to quit her job to become a stay at home mom)...she would be a legal non-entity while his wife would still be entitled to those same benefits, including his estate and Social Security benefits, etc. Not to mention, what exactly is bailey to tell their children - daddy's married to someone else? And why should bailey accept any of that? There are men out there who would freely give their love and their lives to be with her - why should she settle for less?
Author Baileykeg Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 Thanks guest. I appreciate where you are coming from and I agree that for some people that scenerio might work. For me it's not enough. I deserve 100% and want that with him. I don't want to settle for being just the OW. I've done that (I'm sad to admit) for 13 months. Every time he promised me that "one day" we'd get past all of this and it would be just me and him. It never happened. I'm tired of waiting and tired of the empty promises. I'm struggling right now with accepting that our relationship may very well be over for good and that NC won't bring him back to me like I had hoped. It's a daily, some times hourly, stuggle to accept that I was stupid enough to believe that we could have something real. I loved him so much that I so desperately believe in the things he told me. At this point, I don't know whether he really meant all the things he told me or if he just lied to get what he wanted. I would like to think that everything was true but right now I just don't know anymore. I'm staying strong and committed to NC hoping that one day I will truly able to move on from this dark place that I am in right now.
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