Baileykeg Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Ok, I made it through the weekend. Today is day 5 of NC. MM came home this weekend and hung out with our mutual friends. No one knew where I was. They all asked why I wasn't with him and the response was "she broke up with me. I don't blame here because I can't give her what she wants right now". Well...la..de..da...isn't he just the little martyr! So, if he "can't give me what I want" then why spend the weekend texting me with "I love you", "I miss you", "you make me crazy" and "r u ok?". What's the point? Why does he care if I'm ok? Is he still hoping I'll cave and he won't have to make a decision??? He really pisses me off that he has put our relationship where it is today. I spent the weekend out of town. While I was gone I had a drink with my xboyfriend to catch up on what had been going on in our lives. Imagine my surprise when he told me that he was out of jail on bond because he had been charged with Murder! Talk about your life in the toilet! Guess that makes my little drama not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 And I guess that makes TWO men you need to stay away from, eh? Keep busy and ask your friends to do you a HUGE favour...NOT to discuss MM in your presence, and for them NOT to discuss you with him. The less he knows about you, your life and how you feel the better. And same goes for you as well. NC is NC, and that also means you shouldn't care about what goes on in his life too.
MoonGirl Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Hi BK, I'm glad your NC is still on. It must be hard to hear about your MM through mutual friends. Be sure not to ask them about him because when you do, it will get back to him (as WWIU has already mentioned) and also make your healing process longer. Yikes about your ex! Your life sounds like a soap. Hang in there. You'll be okay soon!
ratingsguy Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Good luck to you BK. I'm on day 2 myself... and it's rough. The first few weeks are bad if any of the posts on here are any indication. But I do know that it gets better. I know you probably don't want your MM texting you or trying to contact you in any way, but at least it's showing that you got through to him. I have to be honest and say it would be a nice feeling if my MW tried to break NC, but I can't see that happening soon. It's sad.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Thanks Ratingsguy. I know how you are feeling. I've tried NC before and it was agonizing because I wasn't ready. I feel like I am now although every hour I am replaying it all in my head and having second thoughts. So far I haven't broken NC. It is a little helpful that my MM is still trying to text me but I imagine that too will stop soon. It hurts so badly to know that what I thought was a perfect love in reality wasn't at all.
kymberann Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 So, if he "can't give me what I want" then why spend the weekend texting me with "I love you", "I miss you", "you make me crazy" and "r u ok?". What's the point? Why does he care if I'm ok? Is he still hoping I'll cave and he won't have to make a decision??? He really pisses me off that he has put our relationship where it is today. Good! Stay pissed, it will help you get through. So what if he cares, so what if he thinks you will cave. He is texting to make you cave. Of course he wants you to think he cares. Don't let him win! Be consistent. That is what will send the message. Yes, he ultimately has put the R where it is today! And you don't need it. You will have good and bad days. So will you RG, but the good will start to out number the bad! Trust me. it will happen. With each day, week, and (I am up to) month you will feel more sane and back in control and no more guessing game! Hope you also decided to just back away from the x friend, that another area you don't want to venture forth with! YIKES!
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Ok, I slipped today and responded to one of his text messages. I just said "I miss you too". I don't know why I did it. I'm having such a really hard time today and the pain is really bad. I've been strong for 6 days until now. Up until today I've been so angry with him for so many things that ultimately put us where we are today. I don't know where that anger went and why I'm so sad and lonely today. I love him and miss him so very much. Do you think there is any hope that he will actually file for divorce and we can move forward? I mean....seriously...if he was still in love with his wife so much wouldn't he have tried to go back to her some time in the last two years??? Even before he and I got involved he didn't try to go back. I'm just so lost right now.
addicted2love Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Hang in the BK I know it's hard. I too am trying to get some power back over my situation. Keep up with the NC...seems like he's starting to come around. Maybe if you keep it up he will finally see what he stands to lose with you.
Art_Critic Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 When you are having trouble with staying in NC go back and re-read all the threads about this guy you have started. Pay attention to the fact that there is a pattern.. a cyclic pattern.. Hopefully you will see it and realize that he isn't going to change and neither is your relationship.. Moving on is the only way to stop the pain from this Your very first thread in July was Titled "When is Enough Enough ?" Well ?
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Thanks AC. I have previously gone back and read all of my threads. I know that we have been in a cycle over and over of him getting to the point of filing for divorce, backing off, we try to break-up and then after a few days get back together because we both miss each other so much. I'm trying very hard this time to stop the cycle. I've done better this time than I ever have. I am trying but it is really hard to deal with the empty hole that is now left in my life where he used to be. Even little daily activities remind me of him. Breaking that habit is incredibly hard and painful. Even harder for me is not being able to understand the "whys" of so many of the things he has done and said to me. I do believe that he loves me and I still hope that one day we will be able to be together again. I appreciate your kick in the teeth approach but right now I think I need a little softer approach.
Art_Critic Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I appreciate your kick in the teeth approach but right now I think I need a little softer approach. It wasn't meant to be a kick in the teeth approach.. just trying to give you something to stop from breaking NC.. Keep it up.. Time is the only thing that helps and every time that you break NC you have to start over...
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 You're right. Now I have to start over since I responded to his text today. He didn't respond to me and while that hurts a lot I know it really shouldn't matter. NC was my choice. I decided to walk away from him and put an end to this pain. I have to do it for myself and for my son before he becomes too attached (moreso than he already is). I made it 6 days before I caved so hopefully I can make it longer next time....maybe for good. Here's a question....what do I do about my things at his place and his at mine? Just write it all off and let it go? He's got some tapes that we made together that he watches every day (so don't want to go down the road of how stupid I was to do that much less leave them in his possession). Anyway...I don't feel it's appropriate for him to have them. He said last time we talked about splitting up that he wouldn't give them back to me. Do I just forget about it and chalk it up to a stupid mistake on my part? Is it better for me to just ignore the issue and see what he does?
Art_Critic Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 what do I do about my things at his place and his at mine? Just write it all off and let it go? For now.. yes you write it all off.. You can deal with it later if it becomes an issue.. Put all of his things in a box an put it out of sight.. in the closet or attic.. If you can you need to block him from texting you any more too... this stuff isn't about hurting him.. it is about healing yourself
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 You also need to block his IM and email addy so if he does contact you, you won't know. AC is right, that way you won't hurt as much. And, IF he were ever to actually get a divorce, he should be getting it whether or not you're in his life. Hope that makes sense.
ratingsguy Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Put all of his things in a box an put it out of sight.. in the closet or attic.. Good advice. And if and when you realize that it's over or that you've moved on, mail the box to him. Let him do what he wants with it, unless of course you'd like to keep it. But do this ONLY after you have no feelings left for him. So if and when he contacts you after that maybe you could be friends. And if he doesn't, you won't care anyway. I've done that once in the past and heard nothing back. I just shrugged it off. No big deal at that point.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Am I just over-anxious or "reading into" his silence about exchanging our things? Why wouldn't he just want to give my stuff back and be done with me if he "can't give me what I want" and file for divorce? Does he just not know what he's going to do and thus the silence?
YoMomma Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Am I just over-anxious or "reading into" his silence about exchanging our things? Why wouldn't he just want to give my stuff back and be done with me if he "can't give me what I want" and file for divorce? Does he just not know what he's going to do and thus the silence? Um....(rubbing my hands around the crystal ball) I see your MM...he's got those divorce papers in his hands - and he is on his way to the store to pick out a new gold band - just for you! Sorry...just kidding I don't think any of us know what's he going to do... and as far as his silence goes - it speaks louder than the words you are prepared to hear. Good luck...
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Am I just over-anxious or "reading into" his silence about exchanging our things? Why wouldn't he just want to give my stuff back and be done with me if he "can't give me what I want" and file for divorce? Does he just not know what he's going to do and thus the silence? Because he doesn't want to be done with you. He wants you to come back to him. He wants what he had all along - to be with you and to stay married. Look, he's still married after 2 years of separation and he's making absolutely no move to get a divorce. Does he sound like the kind of guy who can just "be done" with anything? What he knows is what he told you in that email - he's not ready to end his marriage, and he's wishing you'd agree to continue your relationship as it has been even though he won't get a divorce. So, no, he's not going to send you your things, and he's not going to stop sending you "i miss u" texts, and he's not going to close the door...BUT, don't mistake that for anything other than he wants what you used to give him.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 But don't you think that if I have walked away from him with NC that he'll have to do something about his situation one way or the other? He can't continue to be in limbo...especially now that I have taken our relationship out of the picture. He doesn't get to spend every weekend with me anymore. Isn't that going to force him to do something???
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 But don't you think that if I have walked away from him with NC that he'll have to do something about his situation one way or the other? He can't continue to be in limbo...especially now that I have taken our relationship out of the picture. He doesn't get to spend every weekend with me anymore. Isn't that going to force him to do something??? I just don't see him as the kind of guy who is going to do anything - he's exactly the kind of guy who CAN continue in limbo. His marriage has been in limbo for two years. Maybe his wife thought if they separated, it would force him to do something - either get a divorce or work on their marriage. Didn't happen. Instead, he found an OW and continued in limbo. Not saying he's going to run out and find another OW now, but I don't think you're going to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. NC is for you - to help you get over this relationship. It's not going to make him change who he is.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 I guess I don't see it that way since it's always so hard for him for us to be apart. Every time we've tried to take time apart he always comes back and says I'm the one he wants and that he wants to move forward. My mistake was taking him back without holding his feet to the fire and making him make good on what he was telling me. I guess I just don't want to believe that I could end our relationship and it wouldn't have some sort of catalyst effect on him to make him do something. I guess I'm making myself too self-important here. haha
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I'm sure you are important to him. Not as important as HE is to him, though. You've given him plenty of opportunity to make good on his promises. He hasn't followed through. He has placed his wants above being honorable. He is willing to put you through hell just so he can have you, but isnt willing to do what it takes for you two to really be together. He puts himself first, second, and last, always. You can't force him to change, no matter how important you are to him.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 So what do you think will happen now?
norajane Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 So what do you think will happen now? Honestly, I think that you texting him that you miss him is going to make him think he can wear you down, eventually. I think he's going to keep texting or whatever and telling you he misses you. He's expecting this to be like every other time you've come back to him, so he's going to keep trying. He might stay "silent" for a bit, too, so that you have even more time to miss him. But if he doesn't hear from you again, you'll eventually get another "I love you, I miss you" message. Do I think he's going to file for divorce? No. He hasn't in two years. But you should be asking yourself what will happen - you have the power to move on and forget about him and start going out and dating men who really can be with you. This MM shouldn't control your life.
puddleofmud Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 BK, I am so so sad to see you suffer like this--but you KNOW that this is what is going to take care of YOU, right now. And we are all here for you, darling! As to him or you returning or not returning your mutual "things"--it's too soon to worry about that one and perhaps an excuse for your separation anxiety. It is my opinion that you are dealing with a person who is simply "emotionally LAZY". I have been w/ quite a few partners who fit into that category--where one does all the emotional "work" and the other just "coasts". Of course we wish for the person of our heart's desire to be drowning from the mere "loss" of us. And, from our mind-set they shall ride up on the fairy-tail white horse and rescue us (TODAY, not tomorrow and sure as shyte NOT NEXT YEAR!). That would take a person with some resolution and great strength. Do you feel confident that he has that kind of resolution and strength? Is it worth your time to wait and see if he does or does not? To drive yourself insane about it? Or are YOU allowed to just "coast" for a while? How long has he been "coasting'? Well, how about give yourself the same parameters. It's only fair, is it not? Hugs to you!
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