Abbo Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Well, since the night she moved out, I have managed NC for 10 weeks, but since last night, i'm back to day 1. Me and my buddy went out for a friends birthday(female) and I knew there was a slight chance she could be there. I figured I was ready. But obiously not!! There were only about 3 of us there when she walked in with the birthday girl and another friend. I had no choice but to give a kiss on the cheek and say hi, I treated her the same as the other girls then carried on talking as if nothing happened. no big deal, I acted not bothered at all. Then more and more people arrived and we sat around some tables. She sat next to my buddy who sat next to me. Then for about half an hour I had to listen to her console another guy across the table who had just broke up with his girl. It was so annoying. He was saying about all the stuff his girlfriend did, and so much of it was similar to our experiences. But there she sat saying, oh no, thats so bad etc etc etc. Anyway, about an hour later me and my buddy decided to leave, I played it cool and said I was late and had to be somewhere else 20 minutes ago! but again, kiss on the cheek and goodbye to everyone. After we left they went onto a club. Background story. Me 29, her 24. 4 and a half year relationship. I needed space after 3 and a bit years as we were both working and living together. I asked her to move out. Then I realised what an idiot I had been and tried to get her back. Begged pleaded etc (big big mistake!) but I finally got her! I treated her like a princess, I knew how I had taken her for granted before. Then after a month she said the spark had gone (feb last year) we were apart for a couple of weeks, she missed me, then we tried again. Then again she lost all interest and left again. Onto July last year. I was finally moving on, and had started dating someone new, and had booked a holiday with her for mid july. The Ex then came back saying how much she loved me, how sorry she was, how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and asked me to marry her!! I took some convincing, but agreed to try again (but to hold of on the engagement!). I had to dump my new understanding girlfriend, cancel a holiday. And she moved back in. Two great months, then she started distancing herself again. Not replying to txts, no sex for six weeks, didn't say I love you back, and generally making me feel worthless and worried all the time. On two seperate occasions I asked her why she was still with me, and said if neither of us are happy then what is the point. why not just go. She didn't leave. The last time I said there's the door if you are not happy was less than 2 weeks before the final split. The final night I just had enough and once again asked her why she was still with me. her response was "I don't know" to every question I asked "i don't know" I spent three hours practically convincing her that leaving was the right option. For some reason I couldn't throw her out. I needed it to be her decision. Weak I know! Anyway, on that final night there was no shouting, or arguing, but I did say that I didn't think I ever wanted to see her again because what she had done to me wasn't nice, and she had to understand that. And off she went simply saying "i'm sorry, I know you don't believe me, but I did mean those things I said back in July" I just chuckled and said "If you really meant them then you wouldn't be walking out right now would you" And that was that until last night. I really wanted to speak to her, just to see how she is etc. But did I burn the bridges? On a side note, her friend told me today that she said nothing about me after I left, but that she knew I would be there. I did wonder if she wore the Gold satin top because she knows the material drives me wild! She was clearly awkward around me, and I did catch her looking over a few times, but neither of us made any attempt at a conversation after the "hi" I'm wondering if it is because of what I said, and do I have to make the first move at possible friendship. The girl was in my life for six years, and now we are nothing to each other. I don't want it to be this way, does it have to be? Although i'm thinking today i'm only thinking this way because I want her back. How should I proceed. I'm dying to pick up the phone and test the water/break the ice. Bad move?? Any comments welcome -ABBO-
shockandawed Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Hi Abbo, Our situations sound somewhat similar. From what you have posted, it seems your ex may have some other (depression, etc) issues going on. I suspect mine has the same. We have had about 4-5 mini breakups where she would just get so down about silly things, erupt and then come back in a few days. This time, it has been since Christmas. I am not one to advise on the NC because I have had mixed success. I had two weeks which worked her back into wondering, but it was the limited contact I was having with her that made her sense I was moving on and flipped her out. And I was moving on. Obviously, it appears you both have serious communication issues. I think before you contact her, you should decide what you want. If you want back, then what has to happen to insure you don't go right back down the same road? Is she open to counseling? Just saying I don't know sounds so familiar. Determine what you would need from her and if it is possible. Then contact her if you want, keep it light and friendly. If she brings up seeing other people, don't get upset, play along, act like you are moving along as well, let her bring the relationship up. Sounds like you have potential for reconcilliation with some hard work and taking a different route. Just make sure you take the different route. Best of luck to you!!
RocketMan2 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Shocked pretty much summed up all the advice i could give tbh Hang in there mate, good luck! Remember to keep all contact with her positive. Leave any contact you have with her with a good impresison of you in her head. Im sure you've got issues you want to talk to her about, but save those 'till later when youve got things a bit more secured. Rocket P.s. Where have you been hiding lately shocked?
shockandawed Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Rocket, I got a thread with an update in both the breakup and 2nd chance section. Any help from you is greatly appreciated.
Author Abbo Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 Thanks guys. I sent the txt earlier just to try to build up a bit of a bridge. It hasn't gone too bad so far. but don't want to push my luck. me : Listen, I didn't enjoy the awkwardness of last night. I'd like to chat/clear the air if you're interested? Up to you. Her : I didn't really think it was awkward. I was suprised how well it went considering. It will get easier but it was the first time we'd been out. me : Considering what? How did you think it would go? Her : I don't honestly know. You said you didn't want to see me again so I didn't know what to expect. me : Thats kind of what I wanted to clear the air about but never mind. Her : Ok thats fine, I didn't mean to sound rude i was just bein honest. I didn't know what to expect but I thought it went well and next time maybe it will be less awkward. Me : I don't know if I meant that anymore. It's nobody's fault you felt the way you did. It's just the way you handled it again and the fact you left me with no reasons or answers. All I know is that I genuinely wanted to say hello and see how you were. I even suprised myself! But I had no idea if you hated me for saying I never wanted to see you again. Thats what I meant by clearing the air. Her : I don't hate you at all, far from it. I just didn't know if you wanted to talk to me so I didn't try. Me : I can't promise i'll be light and fluffy towards you, but i want you to know i don't blame you for wanting to be happy, and I hope someone else can do that for you. After knowing you for 6 odd years it would just be nice to know it wasn't a total waste and we can at least be civil. Her : I totally agree with that. It would be a waste and i'm glad you feel the same. Me : Anyway, I'm done talking about all that, lets just try and be friends. Her : Ok sounds like a good plan. This is all happening right now. How am I doing?? -Abbo-
RocketMan2 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Well, talk about slow playing it! I'd have held back on the negative comments towards her tbh, even though you feel them. Does she know how you feel? it sounds like you really tried to drill into her head that you didnt want to see her again. Rocket
Author Abbo Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 I'm trying not to sound too much like a wuss. I did say that I really wanted to ask her how she was etc. Surely I can't just say listen, after 10 weeks of nothing i still think about you all the time and want you back. Help me! lol -Abbo-
RocketMan2 Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 To save reposting, have you read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/ Rocket
notmakingsense Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Is that she had already moved on by the time you guys split, so contact or no-contact -- she doesn't care much. You, on the other hand, come across as someone who is still very much caught up in it. You aren't over her, so I don't think you are ready for a friendship. To me, this is obvious in your responses/interactions via IM -- so now she's aware of it also. No, it wasn't disasterous, but I feel that she can "see through" things on the surface. For your healing's sake, I would still avoid contact until you are more fully past this. It would be even better if you are actively (albeit casually) dating again. If contact comes up -- no more discussions of the past. Period. You are looking for some response from her that she won't ever give you.
Author Abbo Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 But so many pages now, can't find the bits I need! still looking, and haven't responded to her for an hour now! not a bad thing I guess -Abbo-
Author Abbo Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 I was trying so hard for her not to see through me. I think she knows i'm casually dating. She definately knows i'm out partying a lot at the moment. darn it, I think this falls under the "trying to remind her your still around" category which is definately a no no. Just wasted 10 weeks of NC -Abbo-
notmakingsense Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I was trying so hard for her not to see through me. I think she knows i'm casually dating. She definately knows i'm out partying a lot at the moment. darn it, I think this falls under the "trying to remind her your still around" category which is definately a no no. Just wasted 10 weeks of NC -Abbo- No, you didn't waste them. You will be able to get back to feeling Ok much faster than when the breakup first happened. And, regarding what she thinks? You need to start thinking "who cares!?" to yourself. This period of NC is not so that you can get her back, it is so you can heal, build your own self-esteem, and be prepared for the woman who will put your ex to shame! Keep going out with your buddies. Do things that make you feel good. Work out, etc. In time, she may come back to you on her own, but not if you are looking for it. If you are looking for it, she'll sense it and will stay away. And, the double-benefit is that if she does come back for you, you may not care so much -- because you'll be busy fighting off all the hotties!
Author Abbo Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 I certainly hope so. Now how do I stop txting her right now!?
notmakingsense Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I certainly hope so. Now how do I stop txting her right now!? Just tell her "Hey -- gotta run now. Take it easy!" No explanations or promises of future contact necessary. Mystery is good!
guin_girl Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Abbo, Coming from a girl's perspective... your friends said she didn't talk about you after you left. She didn't think it was awkward last night. That would mean she's further along in healing that you are at this time. It also sounds like she feels like she needs to be guarded when she talks to you or is around you. The IM exchange that you had was pretty intense for a first contact after the fact. But your conversation with her sounds very familiar to me. I broke up with a guy who was more into me than I was into him. He was a nice guy and it hurt me that I hurt him. I didn't hate him, no matter how many mean things he said at the time of the break up. But subsequent runins were hard, he would drudge up the pain again and start questioning everything. I could tell he was still hurting and it was hard to be "friends" because he would misinterpret my friendliness. I don't want that to happen to you. Anytime we had a good conversation, he would "remind me how good we were together". Being in contact with me didn't heal him and held me back because I didn't want to hurt him more. I knew I wasn't going back with him, so we had to let go... it wasn't healthy for him or me. Now that it's been a couple years, we can honestly say we are friends now. We had been together/friends for almost 10 years at the time of the breakup, I had lost my best friend, but I wasn't in love with him and didn't think it was fair to him. He deserved better than I could offer. You may eventually be friends, but in order for that to work, you need to have healed and moved on. I hope this helps you to understand just a little. Good luck and keep posting, this site is great for support.
Author Abbo Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Thank you guin girl. that does make sense. I think thats what hurt the most when I saw her. she did appear to me to be further along than me, if not even completely over it. Thinking about that got me in the mess i'm in now and caused me to contact her. I was doing so well!! If only I had't said anything the next day. She would've been none the wiser and thought I was dealing with it well too. Oh well. Is there anything your nice guy could've done differently? -Abbo-
guin_girl Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Is there anything your nice guy could've done differently? My situation is different. We had been together for 8 years. We met when he was 19 as friends, started dating when he turned 21, by 27 he was a completely different person. We just grew apart. Because we weren't married, I felt that we both deserved the chance for more. He found his "more", which I'm happy for him. I still haven't found mine. You either have the feelings or not; there wasn't anything that he could have done differently. And quite frankly, I wouldn't want him to change to be something that he wasn't.
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