Which is worse?

[Kellytheidiot]

So obviously ALL infidelity is horrible. But which is worse, your significant other has an emotional affair, a one night stand or a physical affair that lasts a few months or longer? Which if any could you forgive? Does it matter if he or she confessed right away, lied about it for a few months then confessed even though you had no evidence, or never told you about the betrayal and you found out from someone else and then he or she still lied their as* off about it until you had solid evidence then they finally admitted to the cheating.

 

 

I'm asking because while i was on vacation for three days my boyfriend of 2 years had a one night stand with a girl ten years younger than him. He did this is August and I just found out Feb. 2nd. He confessed to it because I had suspicions (i found out he talked to this girl in November and that he'd been friends with her (on and off) for the last four years) This is the part that sickens me- she was eight months pregnant with her abusive boyfriend's child when my boyfriend had sex with her. He had unprotected sex with her at that.

 

He never told her ahead of time it was a one night stand. he didnt' tell her he was with me until afterward when he told her to never contact him again. He has a 7 year old son that I am very close to. I'm like a 2nd mother or an aunt to him. I'm devastated that he used this girl like that and I'm horrified that he would cheat on me at all much less with someoen like her. We had everything together, a great relationship, I thought. An amazing sex life according to him. He said he doesn't know why he did it just that I "wasn't there and he wanted me" thats his only excuse. He has no history of cheating but he does have a history of one night stands (when he's not in a relationship)

 

He says if we get back together he will never do it again. that he's learned his lesson. that he'll never talk to her again (he hasnt' had contact with her since I found out that he was talking to her (in November). He says I should go out and sleep around with another guy (his biggest fear while we were dating) and then we'll be "even" and can get back together. I really miss him but dont' want to spend my life looking over his shoulder being afraid he will cheat again. What are the odds he will cheat again? Is it more likely with an emotional affair or prolonged physical affair?

[scubafish]

He says I should go out and sleep around with another guy (his biggest fear while we were dating) and then we'll be "even" and can get back together.

PLEASE PLEASE do not even consider this, I can't believe someone would even offer that. I can't believe a guy would suggest that as a way to 'fix' things.

I would suspect the best fix, is total communication. he does sound like he is saying all the right things, and he has not had contact with her.

maybe some of these points from this link will help you, or help you talk to him-

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16

[Karma24]

Consider that the baby she was pregnant with may not actually be her "abusive boyfriend's." It could very well be your boyfriend's, which is why he had no problem having sex with her while she was pregnant.

 

I can't imagine a man wanting to have sex with a woman who is carrying another man's baby but then again, I'm not a man.

 

His suggestion of you cheating to get "even" would only serve to relieve his guilty conscience. And what man who loves you would want you to sleep with another man for any reason? WTF?

[outofdarkness]

So obviously ALL infidelity is horrible. But which is worse, your significant other has an emotional affair, a one night stand or a physical affair that lasts a few months or longer? Which if any could you forgive? Does it matter if he or she confessed right away, lied about it for a few months then confessed even though you had no evidence, or never told you about the betrayal and you found out from someone else and then he or she still lied their as* off about it until you had solid evidence then they finally admitted to the cheating.

 

 

I'm asking because while i was on vacation for three days my boyfriend of 2 years had a one night stand with a girl ten years younger than him. He did this is August and I just found out Feb. 2nd. He confessed to it because I had suspicions (i found out he talked to this girl in November and that he'd been friends with her (on and off) for the last four years) This is the part that sickens me- she was eight months pregnant with her abusive boyfriend's child when my boyfriend had sex with her. He had unprotected sex with her at that.

 

He never told her ahead of time it was a one night stand. he didnt' tell her he was with me until afterward when he told her to never contact him again. He has a 7 year old son that I am very close to. I'm like a 2nd mother or an aunt to him. I'm devastated that he used this girl like that and I'm horrified that he would cheat on me at all much less with someoen like her. We had everything together, a great relationship, I thought. An amazing sex life according to him. He said he doesn't know why he did it just that I "wasn't there and he wanted me" thats his only excuse. He has no history of cheating but he does have a history of one night stands (when he's not in a relationship)

 

He says if we get back together he will never do it again. that he's learned his lesson. that he'll never talk to her again (he hasnt' had contact with her since I found out that he was talking to her (in November). He says I should go out and sleep around with another guy (his biggest fear while we were dating) and then we'll be "even" and can get back together. I really miss him but dont' want to spend my life looking over his shoulder being afraid he will cheat again. What are the odds he will cheat again? Is it more likely with an emotional affair or prolonged physical affair?

Messed up!!! Go out and sleep w/ another guy so..you're even?? This is nuts! As far as which is worst....In my situation, I would much rather have learned that my H had one night stands rather then a few A's involving deep personal interaction over a 10 year time period. I don't know if that helps, but if I had to choose, I'd choose the just sex kind. NONE of it goes over well w/ me b/c I'm a BS, but it does happen...

 

How callous of him to have sex w/ this W who was pregnant! What about the baby? You, or she for that matter don't know what he might have given her as far as std's. You don't know that this is the first time he's done this do you? And...I'm willing to be it will not be the last. DON't believe what he says about never doing it again. He just doesn't sound sincere to me. And...he hasn't had enough of a "jolt" for him to really think about the consequences of his actions, and there HALF to be consequences or there is NO hope of your relationship working. Hope this helps.

[Kellytheidiot]

I am almost 100% certain that the baby is NOT my boyfriend's. For one thing he has custody of his son- which he had to fight for. so he is responsible as far as taking care of his kids. if there were any chance that was his baby he'd want to see the child and he would pay child support. He paid child support to his son's mother for almost a year while his son was living with HIM full time. He had to go to court to get custody to have the child support stopped.

 

Thats not why he got custody though. the mother would drift in and out of the boy's life. She would decide she wanted to be his mother and take him and enroll him in school so he had to live with her. She refused to let him see his dad (after she dropped him off with my boyfriend when the son was a year old and left him for three years!) When they went to court the mom admitted to the judge that she only saw her son 3-4 times a year.

 

And this is from a woman who lives only ten minutes away from my boyfriend! So I don't think it is possible that this other child is my boyfriend's baby. I just think he is used to having one night stands and this was another one. He didn't care about her, the baby or her feelings. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around the way he acted. He is normally a great guy. or at least he had ME fooled.

 

He says he doesn't think he would do this again but won't say he's 100% sure. he says he's 99% sure but he can't say 100% because he never thought he'd do this to me in the first place and he did. He is regretful and says either way- if I take him back or not he's not going to have anything to do wtih the other woman. There is no emotional attachment there so I believe him. But I was reading about sex addicts last night and maybe thats a stretch but now I'm worried he might have some kind of addiction and maybe this isn't the first time he's done this.

 

I have no suspicions or proof of any other time but outside of relationships he does have a history of a few one night stands. But he's also had several long relationships so I can't figure that one out. If it was a one time thing, I might be able to eventually forgive him. But if this is a habit I"m not putting myself thru this again.

 

Him telling me to go out and mess around with other guys I know he doesn't really want me to do that. he just thinks it would make me feel better (revenge) but that woudn't at all. He is remorseful and at least he eventually confessed. I had an ex who had a emotional thing that turned into a physical affair with someone he swore he was just friends with. Even though I questioned him about it and had evidence this guy REFUSED to admit to anything and I had to practically catch him in the act and even then he denied it.

 

What I don't understand though is my boyfriend was friends with this girl- knew and liked her family and even though she was ten years younger than him and pregnant he USED her for one night, threw her away and she didnt tell anyone what happened. Her mom called him begging him to help her daughter (she had gone back to the abusive boyfriend) so he started talking to her and when she moved back home he would stop and see her and her family once every few weeks. He even took his son there to see them. I don't get that part.

 

He said he never slept with her again, that he'd "got what he wanted and wasn't interested in her that way" He siad he'd never been interested in her sexually before and actually found her somewhat repulsive but he was horny that night and she was willing. He says it was a mistake and he can't explain why he did it other than "you weren't there" Makes me so angry. I cheated on a boyfriend a long time ago. Was a horrible thing to do. But my reasons for doing this weren't becasue my boyfriend wasn't around. It was because there was so much missing in our relationship- we didn't have sex hardly at all becasue he watched porn all the time, I resented him, I felt lonely even when I was with him, and we really didn't talk anymore.

 

So I met an old friend and we connected and this guy paid alot of attention to me, told me how beautiful he thought I was, and we could talk for hours. I was the one who seduced him. Stupid immature horrible thing to do but I can't imagine just seeing some guy that I don't even find mildly attractive and having a one night stand with him just because I wanted sex that night and my boyfriend wasn't available. I just don't understand the reasoning behind that or how it could ever be a one time thing.

 

I mean I know he and this girl were friends (well I didn't know till NOW) for a while but shouldn't he have taken her feelings into account- pregnant women are very emotional and she had to feel horrible about her body and then he goes and sleeps with her and blows her off like a piece of garbage. Had to make her feel horrible. THen he eventually comes back but then he just talks to her about me (the reason he doesn't want her). I just don't understand why this happend. I mean my boyfriend had everything "at home" so why would he mess that up?

[Karma24]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, really.

 

I just absolutely cannot believe that a guy who normally found a woman "somewhat repulsive" to begin with would suddenly be SO horny that he could look past that AND she's also eight months pregnant. Are you kidding me?!??!?! This is just bizzare.

 

As far as the baby positively not being his...just because he has a child already that he fought for and love/cares for, etc. doesn't necessarily mean this one couldn't be his. I don't know if you have kids or not, but a parent's feelings toward their child are somewhat influenced by how they feel about the other parent. So...if he finds this woman repulsive or annoying or whatever, he may not want to have anything to do with her or the baby, even if it is his.

 

I'm just amazed you're staying with him anyway, whether it's his kid or not.

 

"Her mom called him begging him to help her daughter (she had gone back to the abusive boyfriend) so he started talking to her and when she moved back home he would stop and see her and her family once every few weeks. He even took his son there to see them. I don't get that part."

 

I really, really think they have been more than just friends in the past. He sounds way more involved than you think he is/was. You are not "getting" that part of it because it is illogical. He is visiting her family and taking his son over to their house. The woman who he is "just friends" with and finds "somewhat repulsive."

 

I wish some men out there would give you an opinion on this...

[jmargel]

He says he doesn't think he would do this again but won't say he's 100% sure. he says he's 99% sure but he can't say 100% because he never thought he'd do this to me in the first place and he did.

 

All I see here is his lame attempts at giving excuses, then on top of it is not guaranteeing that he won't do it again.

 

And you know the reason why?

 

It's because of his immaturity. Sure he has a kid and taking care of his son, but that doesn't make you mature. He is emotionally immature and blaming you for his cheating (that you weren't around). That and along with the non-guarantee that he'll do it again is a HUGE red flag. You'll be constantly on pins & needles on wondering what he is doing when your not around.

 

You'll also be playing detective and mother to this bf while you are with him. He has not faced any consequences for his actions, so as long as you tolerate this, it's a matter of time before he does it again.

 

Best way of seeing how committed he is? Make it a condition that if he wants a chance at getting back with you, that he goes to counceling. If he doesn't that's a sure sign that he won't change his behavior.

[kellytheidiot]

I just wanted to clear somethings up and thank you all for your advice. I do need some "outsiders" opinions because I am stuck in the middle of this and not thinking or seeing things clearly. I know that if one of my friends was in this situation I would tell her to kick the loser to the curb. But for me a lot easier said than done. I have/had a deep emotional and physical connection to this guy. While I knew he wasnt perfect we had a good relationship. He was a HUGE part of my life and we haven' t even gone one single day without talking to eachother in over two years. So it is difficult even as hurt as I am to entangle myself from all of that and try to start over. I NEVEr said we are still together (we aren't as of Friday night when he told me) and I don't know if I will get back with him or not.

 

Its hard because there is still an emotional pull there. I'm not just saying goodbye to him but to his son who I love dearly. cutting two very special people out of my life cold turkey is very difficult. Even after what he did. It doesn't concern me as much what he did to me as what he did to HER. I mean thats just discusting for one thing and totally heartless. Im' not saying she's a little innocent 19 year old girl because she's not but hell he's 29 years old and ought to know better. After reading everyone's responses here and thinking it over I definately don't think it was a one night stand (i mean they might have only had sex once) but I think there were emotions invovled too. I mean he wasn't drunk when it happened (like when he had one night stands when he was younger) and he always told me that with a one night stand you never talk to the person again and you make an excuse to get the hell out of their house (or them out of yours) ASAP.

 

Whats different here is that he told me that he and this girl were friends on adn off for a few years and that when he started dating me he was friends with her and still stopped at her mom's house once in awhile to see her. (she would've been 16 or 17 at this time) And that the night this happened (in august) I was away on vacation and she stopped to see him and they talked for about an hour and then she followed him inside and they had sex. So I think he was probably lonely missing me or somethign and he and this girl started talking and maybe he felt an emotional connection to her and he wanted sex and felt she was good enough for a quick bang. I'm not making excuses for him there is NO excuse for he did.

 

But all I'm saying is that I think he had more of a connection with her than he's letting on. I know this because #1 he told me that if she had been some girl he'd just met that night he wouldnt' have slept with her (like a one night stand) but they had known eachother for awhile so they were comfortabel wtih eachother. Also when I first found out about this girl (that he was talking to her) it was in november. At this point in time he told me that he wouldnt' talk to her anymore. he admitted to me though that he missed talking to her (so I think they had some kind of emotional connection)

 

One reoccuring fight we've had on and off is that he thinks I don't spend enough time with him and that I won't move in with him or let him move in with me (he doesnt' have his own place). I do spend a lot of time wtih him and his son but i didnt want to move in with them until we were engaged or something. Well maybe he was attracted to this girl not in a physical sense but attracted to her because of her young age and the fact that she was needy and really had no life- no friends, no job, no income, she was someone who WOULD be willing to move in with him and she'd be someone who'd never go out with friends and who would depend on him for everything. I absolutely have NO idea. I am just trying to make sense of what would make a "grown" man use a pregnant girl like that and ruin his relationship with me at the same time.

 

as for the question of if the baby is his- ok yes, I don't know for sure. I guess I could ask for a paternity test but no one is going to pay for that if they KNOW there's no chance its not their kid. and he and she both say she was pregnant before they started talking again. Also my boyfriend HATES his son's mother. She cheated on him with his own brother and ended up marrying someone else. She also never told him about his son till he was a year old when she dumped him off and never came back. Then when his son was four years old the mother decided she wanted him back and took him and went to court for child support. My boyfriend had to get full custody to get him back. so I dont' think how he feels about a child's mother would affect his relationship with the child.

 

Also if it were his kid all of his family would know about it and he would accept responsiblity for her. Also this girl is mad at him becasue she found out about me when SHE wanted to have a relationship with him so she woudl probably make SURE I knew it was his kid if it were. I could be wrong but I dont think there is any possibility this is his kid. Like I said before, I've already left him I'm just trying to decide if I made the right choice or if he deserves another chance.

 

I know thats weak and its easy for someone looking in to say geez its common sense just leave him. But its hard to lose that much at once. I still think of the good times and I'm trying to sort out my thoughts. Not making excuses for him- there is NO excuse. I'm just terrified right now becasue of top of everything else I have to go get tested and hope he didn't catch anythign from her. Scary.

[tweldy]

And the law is some program of recovery that you lay out for him. Counseling, therapy, I don't know. Obviously he's got some serious problems and there's no way you can fix it and there's no way he can fix it on his own. So I recommend you lay down the law and say until he follows it he cannot come back. Makes sense?

[Kellytheidiot]

And the law is some program of recovery that you lay out for him. Counseling, therapy, I don't know. Obviously he's got some serious problems and there's no way you can fix it and there's no way he can fix it on his own. So I recommend you lay down the law and say until he follows it he cannot come back. Makes sense?

 

 

 

I dont' think I can get him to "follow the law" I want to be the love of someone's life not their keeper. I don't think I"ll be working this out with him. Its just not worth it. I now think he's done this before. In November I also found a note in his bedroom written to him by his brother's sister in law. she lives about three hours away but I guess she was visting when she gave him this note. It was dated Oc.t 29th. When I asked him about the note he told me that he had dated this woman when he was 17. They had sex (it was her first time) and she liked him on and off ever since. She has 3 kids now and is single. He said he saw her at his brother's house and only said hi to her and talked for a few minutes. . She sent this note home with his son. He also describes her as "fat and not attractive (his type maybe?)

 

The note reads

"hi sexy, whats going on. Not much here but sitting here thinking about your sexy body. I have been thiking about you alot for the past few weeks. Well I have liked you for the past ten years. Which you should of knew that. I remember the nights we all played hide and go seek. Also the night Sam and I came down to your house. It was the first time I ever had sex and I'll never forget that. I'm sure you could of told it was my first time. I didn't know much about sex but now I do! (sorry for writing that but its true). Anyway are you taking (his son) trick or treating. I'm taking my kids. Maybe we can all go together. That would really make my day. yes I like you that much!. Maybe you should come down and see me tomorrow night. I have to pick (my kids) up then I"m coming back and staying with (his brother and wife) I would really like to talk to you. About some things. Hope to see you tomorrow. Love always, (girl's name) "

 

So I'm trying to figure out from what she says if this woman is just someone from his past who has a crush on him again. Or if he had sex with her (tried his one night stand brush off thing) and she developed feelings for him and wanted more so she wrote this note to him. As far as I know he DID NOT see on this day she is talking about (because I was with him) and he did not go trick or treating with her and her kids (because I went with him) But from what she says in this note does it sound like he had sex with her recently (before she wrote this note?) supposedly she also wrote a letter to his son but I haven't seen that. He says nothing happened and he wasnt' interested in her. this woman is 25 but from this note sounds about 16. It sounds like he was her first love so maybe that is why she talks the way she does. But does it sound like he may have had sex with her recently and then blew her off?

 

I'm just so tired of this guessing game. At least I'll be in good shape by the time this is all over. I was so mad last night I ran on my treadmill for 45 minutes to blow off steam.

[Kathleen2260]

To answer your original question, which is worse? I guess it depends of what you consider more important. Does it offend you more that your boyfriend gave his body to another woman and violated your trust or if he gave his emotions to another woman? Either is so wrong I can't even begin to understand why people do this to each other? If one is bored or wants something new or isn't satisfied with the spouse they have at home why not just leave and spare that person's feelings? My partner cheated on me emotionally I guess you could call it and at times I almost wish it was "just" a one night stand. Because to know your partner is telling some other woman how much he can't stop thinking about her and how much he loves her and how special she is to him and then he came home and had sex with me and told me that he loved me is devastating. I stayed with him though and we go to counseling and actually now our relationship is stronger than its ever been and I"m starting to trust him more and more. I dont' know if I made the right choice- its a personal one and you have to realize that. If it was a one time thing-either physical or emotional then it is possible to work things out if you choose. But if he is a serial cheater I wouldn't give him the time of day because you are just wasting your life. You cant' change people.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

I can't imagine a man wanting to have sex with a woman who is carrying another man's baby but then again, I'm not a man.

Often the real issue in a affair is the competition between the men to win the affection of the woman, and the woman is only a pon in their game. (Graham Greene's The End of the Affair...)

[Flyin in Clouds]

Messed up!!! Go out and sleep w/ another guy so..you're even?? This is nuts!

 

I don't see it as nuts. It does "even the score". It depends if Kelly wants that or not. It is up to her. If it would let her feel better, and let her decide that she really wanted her creep of a boyfriend or she could decide that there are other guys out there that would be more than happy to be with her. ...

[ridingthebulls]

HE GOT excited and turned on by pumping his load into a woman who was carrying another man's baby. And hell, close enough to give birth! The fact that she was still with her ex who was somewhat strong in force and abusive and then he banged his girl without a condom and let his love juice flow inside her and even in the uterus where the baby is!

[Karma24]

Often the real issue in a affair is the competition between the men to win the affection of the woman, and the woman is only a pon [sic] in their game.

 

Oh but remember, she is just a FRIEND. Why the competition with another man if she is just a friend?

[Karma24]

HE GOT excited and turned on by pumping his load into a woman who was carrying another man's baby. And hell, close enough to give birth! The fact that she was still with her ex who was somewhat strong in force and abusive and then he banged his girl without a condom and let his love juice flow inside her and even in the uterus where the baby is!

 

I bet you really know how to turn a woman on, don't you?