I don't understand

[alasia]

Hi, I'm so confused...

 

The last time I spoke to my ex was on Friday; we got on well but he said he had a new phone and wouldn't be giving me the number.

I asked if he'd be keeping mine and he said no, he didn't want it.

 

I texted him after I'd left, saying that I'd always have feelings for him but wouldn't contact him again and wasn't expecting to hear from him either - then realised that gave him all the power back so I sent another one saying "ignore my last message, it was stupid; of course my feelings will go. Hopefully when I get back from Devon I'll be over you totally. Take care". It was a silly thing to text, but at the time it seemed like a good idea!

 

Anyway he texted straight back from his new phone, saying "this is my new number. Shouldn't but don't always ring or keep texting me".

I replied telling him I didn't want it, it was better that way; at least for a few weeks and then didn't contact him again...until just now.

 

Feeling a bit depressed today, so I sent this long stupid text saying how I can't handle this, still love him and wish he'd give me another chance to prove how much I care...etc etc.

Regretted sending it as soon as I'd done it, and he replied asking me to delete his number.

 

I phoned him asking if he meant it and he said yes. I asked why, and he asked if I was in Devon yet. I told him I couldn't until Thursday (did tell him that on friday, but hey) and he told me not to phone him, because he was in the pub and "they don't know you've got my new number" (meaning his mates and the people in the pub, I think).

I asked if he never wanted to see me or hear from me again and he said yes, then I asked if it was because he hated me and he said yes. Then I hung up.

 

He seems sure, but what I don't get is why he gave me his number in the first place! Especially after he said he wasn't going to.

Was he just messing me around again?

[loveratud]

Sounds like he's just jerking you around. He said he hates you. I'd say that's a clear sign. I'm sorry for you. Hopefully you'll meet someone who really appreciates you.

[alasia]

he's said he hates me before, then a few days later he's saying he still has "a few" feelings for me.

 

That's why I get the impression he was messing me around, but when I said that the other day he said I was just taking things he said the wrong way.

 

Things like when he slept with me and cuddled up to me all night, or said stuff like "I do think about you, you know", "I do miss you" or "I do want to get back together with you eventually".

 

Re-reading that stuff, it's all very vague. Words like 'eventually' and a 'few' stick out, but why say it in the first place?!

[loveratud]

It sounds as if he's just stringing you along, and abusing your relationship along the way. People who love one another don't say such things.

[ratingsguy]

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. It sounds like he's not being much of a man and handling this with any tact. The least he could have done was sat you down to tell you why you couldn't see each other anymore. One word answers bother me.

 

It's tough to do, but keep NC and eventually you will forget him. One thing I've noticed is that if you go NC with someone who treated you poorly, you will eventually realize that the person was a jerk... and it will greatly assist in helping you move on. The problem I'm having now is being in NC with a woman I have never gotten into an argument with. She treated me like a king... so getting over her is going to be difficult. I even said to her yesterday that I wish she had done something to make me angry to help me cope better.

 

Good luck to you!

[alasia]

I just keep thinking that he probably was confused. From his point of view, he said he still loved me and wanted me in his life a week after we first went on the break (a month ago), and I'm sure he did then. But he asked for space to sort his head out which I didn't give him.

 

All the way through this he's been asking for space, and I just haven't given it to him, so of course his feelings diminished. He's been trying to be nice, and even as recently as wednesday I asked what he wanted, and he said "ideally, friends for now". I asked if that was all, and he said "we'll see what happens". I should have taken that as my cue to leave him be for a while, but I still kept pestering him so of course it drove him away.

 

I need to learn to recognise that I'm doing this before it happens; every other break up I've had, I've handled so well. I've come out of this one looking like a psycho and desperately clingy!

 

I still hope that if I leave him alone for a few weeks, I might be able to get in touch and see if we can get some sort of a friendship back. Part of me hopes that he'll start to develop feelings again (because on weds, he also said that his feelings do get stronger when we're getting on well, it's just the arguments and constant questions he hates), but I'm not holding out any hope of that happening.

 

I do want to try and stay civil with him though, if only for the sake of our baby.

[loveratud]

It sounds like no contact is what you need. If he asked for space and you didn't give it to him for several weeks, you've done a lot of damage. You asked him what he wanted when he broke up with you, and he told you space. You didn't listen. Listen now.

[alasia]

I will. There's a part of me that's dying to phone him one last time before I go NC, just so I can tell him what I said in my last post; to show him I understand why he's being the way he is.

And so he doesn't think that what he's telling me isn't sinking in.

 

Butu I won't contact him because I know it'd make things a lot worse, I've switched my phone off

 

Do you think no contact for a few weeks would make any difference, would he stop hating me/start missing me and maybe consider the possiblity of us being friends?

[alasia]

Ok this is going to seem a bit weird, but I've been keeping a diary and Phil's been in it a lot!

 

Here's how up and down it's been over the past couple of weeks:

 

9th/10th Jan - stayed over at my ex's place both nights. It was really good. We slept together, cuddled up on the sofa, he was still calling me 'babe' and 'honey', it was just...nice. Weds (10th) I'd asked if he thought we get on better as friends than lovers and he said "we seem to be at the moment".

 

11th - he texted me to say he didn't want to see me again and it was over for good. I called him and one minute he was saying he didn't have any feelings, and the next he said he couldn't see me because when he does, he gets feelings and he doesn't want them. Also said something about his family hating me.

 

22nd - I asked my ex to meet me for a drink (non alcoholic for me, obviously!) and first he agreed, then cancelled and went out with his friends instead. I went to his place and tried to get answers about why he'd cancelled on me, which just made things worse.

 

23rd - called him and he said he was sure we wouldn't ever get back together, and he didn't have feelings for me.

 

25th - had a long chat about us, he said he wasn't ready for another relationship and it would take a long time to get over me. Ended on a good note.

 

26th - Said he wasn't sure what he wanted when I called him and asked. He said give him a day to think about whether we could meet up.

 

27th - met him on his bus to pick up some of my stuff, he asked me to stay and talk for a couple of hours, which I did. I brought up the sex thing; he said I could go out and get it whenever I wanted, I said I couldn't because the thought of sleeping with anyone else made me feel sick, especially as I'm carrying his baby. He said he'd only want to sleep with me. I practically asked to go back to his place, he said I'd only feel guilty afterwards and then made a joke saying he'd pick me up on monday and I could go back to his place!

 

29th - I said I knew we wouldn't ever get back together and he said he did want to eventually, but we had to let things die down first.

Also said he still had some feelings for me, and did miss me.

 

I texted a bit later on and asked if he wanted to see me, he said no and was really horrible (saying he'd call his family if I went over there).

 

30th - asked to meet him on his bus as I'd just been hit on by another ex (and it freaked me out) and he agreed. Ended up going back to his place and I persuaded him to have sex (didn't take a lot of arm-twisting!).

We had a little argument when I left bad for sleeping with him, and that made him feel bad.

 

31st - he wasn't going to let me stay over because he said we'd argue again, but eventually he let me, and we slept together again. With another argument about feeling like crap.

 

1st Feb (Thurs) - I'd asked to stay over again, he said he couldn't handle another night and that I was trying to rush things. Asked what he wanted and he said ideally friends for now. He took me home in the car where he said he couldn't get back together at the moment because we've been through too much. Left him on a good note.

Phoned him in the evening and I asked him not to contact me again, he agreed then I changed my mind...but he said I was right and it was better that way. Said he never wanted to see me again (I think).

 

Friday 2nd - went to meet him on his bus, he started off being in a mood and saying he ddin't want my number & wouldn't give me his, then we started chatting like normal again. I got off the bus then ran back, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said thanks for letting me stay over on tues & weds and apologiseed for being a pain. He said it was ok and he couldn't text me back as he didn't have any credit.

I sent the text saying I wouldn't contact him again but would always have feelings for him..etc, then he replied giving me his new number, but telling me not to keep phoning and texting.

I texted back saying I didn't want the number.

 

Today - sent the stupid long text saying that I couldn't handle this, still love him, wish he'd give me another chance to prove to him and everyone else how much I love him, and that I wouldn't hurt him again. He asked me to delete his number then I phoned and asked if he meant it. He said yes. Then asked if he never wanted to see or hear from me again, he said yes. Finally asked if he hated me and he said yes again.

 

So there we are. Sorry this is so long but can you see why I've been confused?

 

I know a lot of it is probably me contacting him too much and possibly my ex feeling guilted into saying stuff he didn't really mean.

 

Also looking over it all written down like that, he's been fairly consistent recently, saying he's just interested in friendship for now.

There's not a lot about him having feelings (apart from on Saturday, I think it was, when he said he always has feelings when we sleep together...but that doesn't really count!).

At some point he said he'll always have feelings for me, but I can't remember when that was.

 

I can also see that I contacted him way too much - no wonder he felt cornered and uncomfortable/confused!

 

What do you guys make of all that?

[loveratud]

Wait, you're pregant with his baby and he's doing all this? That changes everything.

[alasia]

Yep, I'm only 9 and a half weeks though.

 

The thing is, at the start of this he seemed so into being involved, saying he was excited but petrified, and only about 2 weeks ago he was saying he wanted to see the baby, he'd be different with this one than he was with his last child (the baby's a year old, with a woman who got pregnant after they'd only slept together twice, Apparently it was 'just sex' and we've seen her around, but she hasn't bothered speaking to him. Then again he only saw the baby until he was 6 months old, then they had a petty argument and neither parent bothered again! I refuse to follow their example!)

 

The last time I asked him if he wanted to be involved, was about a week ago. He said he didn't know.

That seems to be his answer to anything I ask at the moment...

[loveratud]

He sounds like a flake. He's put two girls in bad positions and bailed on them. Reprehensible behavior by any standard.

[alasia]

And you know what?

 

His mother is telling him not to stay in contact with me. Makes me wonder whether she said it about his last ex, too.

 

His mother - of all people - should be telling him to grow a spine, accept responsibility and however much he hates me, keep in touch for the sake of the baby! IMO.

 

ETA: he's always told me that Michelle (the last ex that got pregnant by him) just wanted to get pregnant because hse alreday had a daughter, and wanted a boy. As soon as she got one she wasn't bothered. Apparently he said that to her and she didn't disagree.

It ties into how she's been acting, but then maybe he treated her the same way as he is me, and she gave up in the end.

[loveratud]

Sounds like a bad guy to me. I don't even know what advice to offer you.

 

At the risk of running afoul of your religious or ethical beliefs, I'd consider terminating the pregnancy.

[alasia]

Nooo...I did consider it, but I can't.

 

This baby was wanted, and planned - well when I say planned, we talked about it and he said "if it happens, I'll support you". I asked if he could really see himself bringing up a baby, the sleepless nights, having to change his plans etc and he said yes. Then I missed a period (turned out to be a false alarm) in October and I expected him to freak out, but he got so excited and told everyone I was pregnant!

 

He looked a bit silly when I wasn't

 

So I thought I had no reason to worry that we'd end up like this.

Either way, I want to keep the baby, I don't see why an innocent child should suffer (I'm sorry,thats how I see it) because it's got two parents who can't get their act together!

 

I'll cope on my own if I have to, if he truly doesn't want to be involved then whatever; my family have said they'll help out, so I know I'm supported.

 

Btw, his mum's also told him she doesn't believe I'm really pregnant. Apparently he told her I definitely am, but who knows what he's been saying behind my back...

[alasia]

Thanks for all your advice guys.

 

Just one last little whinge - what upsets me the most about this whole thing, is the fact that my ex is calling me a stalker.

 

I'm sure his family are saying the same thing too, but what they don't know is over the past month he's slept with me 6-7 times.

 

I've been staying overnight at his place, sometimes a couple of nights in a row, then I leave without his family or friends finding out and he goes back to saying "oh, alasia came to see me on the bus the other night...she's stalking me" (conveniently ignoring the fact that yes I did go and see him on his bus, but he was happy to chat away to me like normal and then invite me back to his place for a quick...you know! All the while saying he wouldn't be able to sleep with me if he didn't have feelings, because he doesn't do 'just sex').

 

I know I should just get over it, but he spent 5 months telling me wasn't like that and that he's not that into sex that he'd just use someone - he's never had a one night stand, or anything like that.

 

I mean, on Wednesday, we slept together and by Tursday evening he was saying he never wanted to see me again! On Friday I went to see him and he was happy to talk to me then by yesterday, he hated me again.

 

And he's calling me unstable

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you genuinely think someone's stalking you (and I think that's a horrible word to be throwing around, especially when he's also saying "call me again and I'll get an injunction out on you"), you'd ignore them as much as possible.

If I got on his bus and he didn't want to see me, he'd either ignore me or ask me to leave.

You also don't keep sleeping with them and inviting them back to your house! And then give them your new phone number - but not tell any of the family that you've done it.

 

He seemed happy to use me - for sex or to chat to on the bus when he was bored, but as soon as he got tired of me trying to work out what the hell was going on he started accusing me of stalking him!

 

It just annoys me that he's been acting one way with me all this time, telling everyone he knows a different story and they're never going to know about it.

[DyingHeart]

Damn, that's pretty messed up. If I were you, I would definately try to keep the contact to a minimum. If you weren't pregnant, I'd say no contact at all, but given the situation, you are both going to have to talk because of the baby.

I'm not sure what to make of what he's doing. It sounds like he's not completely over you, but he still likes the sex. And I do believe that his friends and family probably have a part to play in all of this. It's sad really. If this is the case, then he needs to grow a set and take care of his responsibilities. And if he can't do that, then just face the facts that the relationship is over. Of course it would be great to stay civil for the childs sake, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen.

But for now, please try not to contact him so much. I know how tempting it is, but you need to give him a little time for him to sort out his priorities.

 

Also, he should know that what he is doing is causing you stress, and that is not healty for the baby.

 

Please, for your own sanity, and the childs health, refrain from contacting him for a while.

 

And I'm saying this from experience, because after my ex broke up with me, I found out that I was pregnant. (it always seems to happen that way) And because of all the stress, I lost it. And it was a very rough time indeed. So, please please please, take care of yourself. ((hugs))

[alasia]

I saw my ex in town yesterday evening (honestly, completely by mistake as he doesn't usually work Mondays!) and he offered to take me home after his shift.

 

I took the opportunity to ask why he was being so cold all of a sudden, just really callous and like nothing affects him.

 

He said things do affect him, he just doesn't show it; and then said something like he'd split up with his last two exes a few times over the time they were together (previously he'd told me they hadn't) and "you don't know the full story". I asked if he was so cold towards them and he said yes. I said he seemed to get off on making people, fall for him, splitting with them and then have them running after him and trying to win him back. He said he never wanted that.

 

He also said he liked his independence and he's happier when it's just him and the cat - and when I asked how long he hasn't had any feelings for me, he said "last month".

I asked if it was since the break and he said "before", then said he didn't know when the break started because we didn't have one. I said it wouldn't have made a difference if I'd have given him space when he asked for it back at the start of January...he said it might have done, if we hadn't texted or seen each other at all for a while.

I asked how long that would have gone on for and he said he didn't know.

 

He says he definitely doesn't have feelings for me, and when I brought up the fact we've slept together so many times (the last time was last Tues and Weds) and that he must have been using me, he said "we used each other. You said you didn't have feelings for me".

He knows I had feelings; I might have said I didn't but I was cuddling up to him, being affectionate...it's blatantly obvious when I have feelings for someone, so why try to place the blame on me!?

 

I asked how come he said what he did on Monday (I said I knew we'd never get back together and he wasn't interested in me anymore and he said I was wrong...then he said something about circumstances meaning we couldn't be together at the moment and when I said I thought the 'circumstances' were that he didn't have the right sort of feelings for me or that I'm pregnant, he said "you're way off on both counts".

Then he said he did want to get back together "eventually", but we had to let things die down a bit first) and at first he didn't remember, then when I reminded him of what he'd said, he told me "it's different now".

I think he said that was before he realised my family are crazy and then when I asked what could possibly change in a week, he said "I just said stuff to keep you happy".

 

I mentioned something about the baby and said he's got four kids now that don't know their dad - he said "it's three - yours isn't born yet".

I said it's not fair that I'm pregnant by someone who doesn't care and he said "I thought you were going to the doctors this morning to get it sorted?" (meaning arrange an abortion!)

I can't believe he's being like that; either he's a callous idiot that would prefer I aborted our baby so he doesn't have the hassle, or he said that to wind me up. Either way it was cruel.

 

When I got home I texted him because some stuff of mine was due to be delivered to his house last week and I wanted to know if it had arrived yet. He said it had, but it was at the post office near his house.

I asked him to collect it and post it to me (gave him my address) and he said he would.

 

A few petty texts were exchanged, with him saying he was changing his sim card, if I texted again he'd log the texts and show them to the police, being nasty about my family and me being just as childish and telling him to make sure he got the parcel to me by the end of the week and he said he would; he might drop it over on Friday morning. I asked him again to post it and he said he'll post it thursday.

So then I told him if didn't arrive by the end of the week, I'd consider it theft. Of course he got annoyed by that and said "f**k off, you're not having me for theft for something I haven't picked up. Get it yourself".

 

I phoned him because it was all just so childish and pathetic; we're both adults yet we're acting like 12 year olds! He refused to collect the parcel, and I just said this is all so silly. He agreed, and I said it was sad we ended up like this.

We used to love each other (at least, I loved him), I'd tried to stay friends and now we're making snide remarks through text message and he never wants to see me again!

I said all I'd wanted was to stay civil and if all he'd wanted was a 'f**k buddy", he should have admitted it and I might have been ok with that (though I doubt it, but at least I would have known where I stood).

 

I told him I'll be catching his bus home from a night out next Saturday, so if he was bothered about it he'd have to change his shift.

At first he said he would, then suddenly changed his mind and said he didn't see why he should mess his life around for me. Although he expected me to!

 

He said "you'll be with Steve (another ex who I'm now good friends with) anyway" I asked what that had to do with anything and he said "well, he'll be on the bus with you so it won't bother you that I'm driving, will it?". Not sure what he meant by that and I still wish he'd swap his shift, but hey.

 

I told him that he keeps saying we don't get on, yet everytime we talk we end up chatting like friends and suddenly he said "ok, we'll talk...".

I asked what he meant and he said "next time we see each other we'll be nice to each other".

It annoyed me that he was saying that; like when he snaps his fingers and decides we can talk then I have to jump to it and accept it. Never mind the fact I've wanted to stay on civil terms for him for the past month, and he hasn't been interested!

So I hung up.

 

A bit earlier when I'd asked why his feelings just disappeared so quickly (because in my mind, if you truly love someone you still have feelings for a while, even if you try to hide them) and he said "they've gone.

Things changed between us". I asked what that meant and he wouldn't answer. Personally I think he just realised he wasn't attracted to me anymore...

 

It just seems like he's coming out with so much bull, using every reason under the sun to explain why we're not together, and I suppose it's partly my fault; he can't or doesn't want to answer why his feelings disappeared and I keep asking him.

Even when he said his feelings "just went" I asked if he really meant that! So I guess he feels that whatever he says, I won't take it for an answer and the questions will keep coming.

I just hate not knowing...I wish he'd stick to an answer instead of always changing his mind!

 

I know I read some things wrong...like in the car when he dropped me home last night I went to hold his hand, and he grabbed it.

Then he said my hands were cold and I said "well you didn't pull away" ...so then he did!

At the time I took it as a sign that he still had slight feelings, but now I can see he was probably just feeling to see if my hands were cold!

Or he's just so used to me holding his hand and holding mine back, that it's a hard habit to break.

 

So...now I have to go to his town which is two buses away (my parents have fallen out with me at the moment over my ex, so I can't get a lift from them), collect the parcel and bring it home on the bus.

The post office is right by his house so I'm hoping I won't see him.

I really don't want to go so may leave it a few days.