Guest Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I forget who it was who said that the MM would keep an OW who was "playing up" compliant by not contacting her for a while and then reeling her back in when he knew that she was missing him. She is relieved to have him back in her life, and so continues with the A and doesn't rock the boat by asking him any questions about any future they might have. Of course, after a while, the issues for the OW are still there and she cannot help but show her disatisfaction with the A and so he withdraws for a while and so the cycle continues. I am in this situation and at first I thought he came back to me because he really loved me and missed me. Well I think he missed the sex! He also said that he can't remember when he had any fun at home and that he only enjoys sex with me. Translate-he only wants a fun filled sexual relationship that doesnot interfere wth his M and he has boring sex with his wife. The minute the fun stops he backs off. He once stormed out of my house because I was not in the mood and demanded that I drove him to the bus stop. He was red in the face and almost shaking with rage. I was shocked and drove him but made him walk quite a long way. Well he did phone a few hours later, not to apologise, but to make another arrangement to meet--I declined at the time because I thought he had been disrespectful. Then on another occasion he will say that we can just enjoy each other's company without becoming physical. How noble of him. That is all designed to make me think it is not just about sex if he thinks that I am questioning things. Big deal, just because we aren't physical on one occasion, doesn't mean a thing--he is just playing me to keep me hanging around. So then I thought, well why can't I think like some O Women who don't want any more from their MM apart from a weekly visit If I could think like that everything would be fine--he would be in heaven with no pressure or expectations from me. I tried reasoning that as I appeared on the scene several years into his marriage, what right have I got to ask him to turn his world upsidedown for me? In short, should I accept my position as the OW because that is all that is on offer. It is not a level playing field beacuse he has already made a decision to marry years ago.You don't sign up for a timeshare and then start demanding a share of the freehold. Another justification for being the OW is that the A is always alive because there is always the unreliability and unpredictability of it. The R is always hot and you don't get caught up in the everyday drudgery of living. The moments when we are together are cherished. Would that be gone if MM and I had a proper exclusive relationship? BUT I just cannot do it because I am in love with him and it wouldn't be normal to agree to share him with anyone else. So I cannot be accepting of my lot and I have decided to go NC with him as this seems like sound advice which I have read from this forum. The question for you is how would you go about doing it. I do not want to dissolve into tears and I don't want to do it over the phone or give him a letter. I do not want to just stop answering his calls before I tell him. It is more the words I am looking for. I do not want to get angry and tell I am hurt as he has not broken any promises to me. He has said things like "It might not work with you" and "You would not want a full time R with you" and "I am not going to be pressured into anything by you". I thought his comment that I wouldn't want a full time R with him was a bit strange. I also do not want to give him an ulimatum by putting a time limit on things or suddenly say that we are not having sex anymore. That just seems so artificial and manipulative on my part-yes I know he is too! I want to come across as being reasonable and supportive, but to let him know that although I love him, I can't continue with the A as it is too painful. Any constructive suggestions?
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